TJ

Friday mornings have always been my favorite part of the week. Whatever anyone happens to be going through at any given moment, everyone and everything just seems to be more… relaxed on a Friday. Everyone just seems less on edge, with the promise of the weekend glistening on the horizon.

And yet as I walked to school that Friday morning, an uneasy feeling had settled in my stomach. Tears lingered in the backs of my eyes, as they had done all night and morning. I kept replaying yesterday's conversation with Cyrus over and over in my head until I almost felt like I could recite it word-for-word. But beyond whatever I had said or Cyrus had said, or anything we had done that day, the one striking image that I couldn't get out of my head, that I saw burned into my vision whenever I closed my eyes, was of Cyrus; the cute, innocent, loving smile usually fixed on his face morphed into a look of sheer terror, pointed directly at me.

I wasn't even sure how it had happened. I hadn't even realized that I had snapped at him until after it was over. I just remembered him pushing and pushing, trying to get in under my tough exterior. But with every push, I only felt the frustration building up and up inside me, until Cyrus pushed in just the right way and, like a balloon, I just burst.

All I wanted was to let Cyrus in. To allow him to be there for me, the same way I wanted to be there for him. No thought warmed my heart more than the thought of me actually letting Cyrus see the side of myself that I fought to keep concealed from the rest of the world. The real TJ Kippen.

But no matter how much I wanted to let Cyrus in in that moment, I couldn't do it. I wasn't brave enough; I chickened out. And in doing so, I might have permanently pushed away the only boy that I've ever actually felt I could confide in. The only boy who never once judged me; never once wanted me to be anyone other than myself. The only boy who ever managed to make my heart race just with a smile.

The only boy I ever felt had a chance with.

I wasn't one for cursing, but…

"Shit…" I murmured to myself, closing my eyes in a desperate effort to hold the tears back.

As I'd expected, I saw very little of Cyrus all day. I shared several classes with him, but the only class where I sat next to him was math, and we didn't have math class today. I saw him in some of my other classes today, namely chemistry and history, but we were sat far enough apart that communicating was impossible.

The only time he had even acknowledged me was one brief look during history class. I had been glancing at him every few seconds, desperately praying for him to turn in my direction, and in the short few seconds that my eyes met his, I found myself filled with sadness all over again. He looked… lost. I'd never seen him look so hopeless and knowing that I caused him to feel that way made me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Between classes, it wasn't much better. Andi and Buffy, clearly in the loop about the Spoon incident, had appointed themselves as Cyrus' official bodyguards for the day. Anytime they saw me approach throughout the day, they immediately ushered Cyrus in the opposite direction without a second's thought. I couldn't blame them for wanting to protect their best friend from the guy who made him feel so much pain. But at the same time, I wished they could have just given me a chance to apologize. I'd never spoken much to Andi, but Buffy must have had some inkling of just how much Cyrus meant to me. She must have known that I would never deliberately try to upset him.

I had to speak to them. And just before the last class of the day, I saw my window of opportunity open. Cyrus had gone to the bathroom, and the girls were stood outside the boy's room like royal guards. Armed with my weird knowledge that Cyrus takes, like, three or four times longer to pee than any other guy on the planet, I quickly walked over to where the girls were stationed. They had seen me coming a mile away, and greeted me with angry scowls.

"Oh no. No way." Buffy immediately shook her head, taking a warning step towards me.

"Buffy, I j-" I tried to explain myself.

"No, TJ." Buffy repeated herself firmly. "You hurt him yesterday. More than you know."

My eyes fell to the floor as I suddenly felt like the tiniest person in the school. "I do know." I muttered quietly, rubbing the back of my neck in shame.

"You know," Andi spoke up, drawing both mine and Buffy's attention, "Apart from us and Jonah, you were the only other person that he really thought he could confide in. He trusted you." I looked down again, trying my hardest to resist the small smile tugging at the corners of my lips. "But after what you did yesterday, you'd be the luckiest person in the world if he ever forgave you for what you put him through."

Buffy nodded in agreement, turning back to me. My heart felt heavy, like it was weighing me down. I knew I had to say something and my time was running out.

"You're right." I began, to which Buffy immediately furrowed her eyebrows.

"Don't you even think of starting that whole 'you're right' schtick with me again." She growled, her extended finger pointed at me accusingly.

I visibly gulped. Bad start, TJ. Bad start. "No, I- I really mean it. I was wrong to yell at Cyrus the way I did. I was way wrong." Their faces softened, so I continued. "I don't know what came over me, really I don't. He was trying to help me with this whole math thing, and I've just been so stressed over that and a bunch of other stuff and I just… lost myself for a second. I knew right away that I had messed up."

Buffy's eyes narrowed. "What other stuff?"

"I-" My eyes widened. I was definitely not ready to get into my other 'stuff' right now. "Just… personal stuff." I waved it off, trying my best to remain casual about it. "But look, I really do care about Cyrus, okay? You absolutely have the right to not believe me but I just need you to know that it hurts me to see him this way as much as it hurts you two." I stammered, struggling to get my words out towards the end.

The three of us stood in an awkward silence for a few seconds. Buffy's face had softened considerably but Andi's was harder to read. As she opened her mouth to speak, the bathroom door opened and Cyrus strolled out before instantly stopping in his tracks at the sight of me, his eyes widening like a deer in the headlights. I visibly flinched at his reaction just to my presence.

After a few more seconds of stunned silence, Cyrus swallowed and spoke up. "TJ." He greeted me with an awkward nod.

I let out a sad sigh and looked down at the ground again, hoping my body language would convey to Cyrus whatever I didn't have the guts to say in words.

It didn't. "What do you want?" He asked, sounding surprisingly more upbeat than I would have ever expected. Perhaps all hope wasn't lost, after all.

"I want t-" My throat caught mid-sentence. Feeling my cheeks flush, I took a breath and continued. "I want to apologize. And to talk to you."

I almost could have sworn I saw Cyrus flash a brief, small smile, but it was quickly replaced with a look of uncertainty as he darted his eyes between Andi and Buffy. Buffy, surprisingly, didn't respond, but Andi subtly shook her head when Cyrus turned to her. Upon seeing Andi's reaction, Cyrus' shoulders dropped and he let out an almost-disappointed sigh.

"TJ, I… I want to talk to you. But... I just think I need a little space." He said, glancing to the girls at his sides and receiving nods of approval from both of them, this time. "At least for the weekend. Just to clear my head, you know?" He cracked a smile, prompting me to do the same.

"Okay." I nodded forlornly, my smile disappearing as fast as it had come. "I guess I'll see you guys Monday then?" I shrugged, my gaze not shifting from Cyrus.

"Monday." Cyrus nodded calmly, meeting my eyes.

After a few lingering seconds of prolonged eye contact, the final bell of the day rang, and so I finally turned around and made my way to class, my heart growing heavier with every step.

"You really don't deserve that boy." Amber commented, shaking her head.

I nodded sadly in agreement. "I know."

"You know he has every right to never talk to you again." She continued, a stern expression on her face.

I let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through my barely-gelled hair. "I know." I repeated, looking down to my feet as they tapped frantically on the sidewalk, "I'm lucky."

Amber nodded, breaking eye contact to look straight ahead. "You are." She agreed bluntly, letting the silence that followed say the rest.

We were sat on a nearby bench outside the Spoon. Not knowing where else to turn after school ended, I had texted Amber in a rather pathetic, desperate manner to talk to me during her break from work.

"Look, TJ," Amber turned to me. I looked up, avoiding her gaze. "I've known you for as long as I can remember. And growing up, you were always a miserable jerk." We both let out a short laugh at that. I didn't even open my mouth to protest, knowing she was right. I finally tilted my head to meet her eyes once again, as she took a breath and continued, "But I can't remember the last time I've seen you look as happy as you were when you two walked through that door yesterday. Before you screwed it all up, I mean." She smirked.

I couldn't help but smile, memories of Cyrus wrapped in my arms briefly flashing through my mind for the first time since yesterday. Embarrassed, I rubbed my face over with one hand as I felt my cheeks flush. "God, am I really that obvious?"

"I… already had my suspicions." Amber admitted, smiling back at me. I wasn't entirely surprised. Amber's family had been our neighbors for most of my life. Despite the one-year age gap, my parents and her parents regularly arranged playdates for us as we were growing up. Although we used to fight and bicker like all little kids do, over time she became something of a protective big sister to me.

When I started elementary school, I really struggled to make friends. I was the kid who was always left out. The kid always sat in the corner of the room not talking to anyone unless I had to. I remembered spending days looking at the groups of kids forming their first real friendships and wishing I could be like them, but for the longest time I never found the confidence to go over and talk to them.

It would be no exaggeration to say that Amber gave me that confidence, in a way. She never cared what anyone thought of her. If she wanted something from someone, she would always stomp straight over to them and say whatever she had to say to get it. Looking back, even I can now tell that what she actually taught me wasn't how to be confident, but rather she taught me how to push and bully people until they gave me what I wanted.

When her dad lost his job last year, Amber's family struggled along as long as they could, but they were eventually left with no choice but to move house. Our neighborhood had never been the priciest in Shadyside, but when Amber's dad started making the big bucks, rather than buying a better house, they decided to renovate. They expanded and expanded and expanded that little house until it was by far the biggest and fanciest in the neighborhood. It stood out amongst the rest like a shining beacon - or like a sore thumb, depending on your perspective.

But after all that expansion, when push came to shove their family just couldn't afford to maintain it. And so as Amber and her parents moved to the other side of town, I lost my closest friend and mentor, of sorts. We still saw each other a lot, given Amber's job at the Spoon and her parents' friendship with my own, and she still had my back, but we went to different schools now and life had just… moved on, for the both of us.

In a way, though, that added distance between us made it much easier for me to bite the bullet and come out to her. If she had disapproved, then we went to different schools and lived on opposite sides of town anyway, so it wouldn't have really mattered to me anyway.

But she did approve, to my relief. And although we never discussed it much, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders after I told her. It was comforting to know that I always had her as a safety net, no matter how bad things got.

As Cyrus and I grew closer and closer and I started spending more time with him and his friends at the Spoon, I couldn't help but notice her occasionally glancing over at the two of us, wearing that knowing smirk that I've grown so accustomed to.

So as Amber and I sat there on that cold, wooden bench, shivering in the cold, September air, it came as no surprise to me that she already had an inkling of my feelings.

"How long have you known?" I asked curiously, too embarrassed to look over at her.

"A few months. I mean, you guys spent so much time here during summer break. Like, a ridiculous amount of time. I think half of our income that summer came from you and Cyrus' friends." The older girl joked.

I let out a chuckle. "Spying on us, were you?"

"Eh," She shrugged, "I prefer to call it 'observing'."

"TJ? Amber?" A familiar voice interjected just as I opened my mouth to respond. I closed my eyes and winced at the awkwardness of the situation I had suddenly found myself in.

Slowly, Amber and I turned our heads to the left to see Buffy and Walker walking up to us, with Andi and, of course, Cyrus in tow. Cyrus pushed his way to the front of the group and immediately locked eyes with me.

Buffy shook her head in disbelief. "Well that was a quick weekend."

Apologies for the delay with this chapter. A family member passed away rather unexpectedly a few days ago. We were never the closest, but luckily for me, it's the first time I've ever lost a (human) family member that I can actually remember. So the last few days have been kind of crazy, and I've only just returned to this.

I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! I thought long and hard about how I wanted TJ and Amber's friendship to come cross. I didn't want to go with the classic siblings theory but I love the idea of them having a close, unspoken friendship, so I hope that what I've come up with is a nice, interesting middle ground.

New chapter in... a few days probably as I have plans tomorrow (for once).