When I woke up this morning, I had a killer headache. I even took a couple acetaminophen tablets trying to get some relief, but it only took it from throbbing to a dull ache. Knowing what I know now, I wish the medicine would have taken care of the pain fully because I have a feeling that witnessing three fear landscapes is going to bring it back full force. In past years, Lauren's fear landscape has been used for the initiate's practice run but since she's no longer an instructor, it's unethical to use her fears, so Uriah, Christina, Tobias, and I have to have our fear landscapes mapped. Since I'm pregnant, Tobias called Isobel for her okay but she won't let me take the serum so I'm stuck living three other people's fears. This is something I didn't want to do with anyone other than my husband but I'll step up and just do it.
I'm still not sure why Tobias needs to go through his fear landscape. He has at most five fears, and that number is entirely too low to be used. He joked that we could add the number of our fears together and still have less than the number of initiates. My suspicion is that he just wants to see if there have been any changes so I don't argue with him. I will admit, I'm secretly hoping that he's Four again. I don't like knowing that I've gotten into his head and caused his greatest fear.
My mind drifts over the past couple days while we get the fear landscape room ready for Uriah and Christina who should arrive at any moment. My lunch with Isobel was so much fun. We talked for nearly three hours throughout the meal and beyond, learning about each other. We really have a lot in common. She was born in Candor and has a brother who is one year older. Her husband who is two years older was born in Erudite. They met and fell in love during his final year of upper levels when he was 16 and she was 14. He always wanted to be a doctor so he knew he didn't want to leave his faction so she decided to join his. It was a very long wait for them both until her choosing day. They married three years to the day later. Her parents and brother are still in Candor, and she sees them on a quite regular basis because her father and brother both are treated at the clinic in town for diabetes. She talked a lot about her husband, Carter, and her 4-year-old boys, Jace and Alec. I can't wait to meet them. She showed me their pictures, and the twins look exactly like their father, curly blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. They're very cute. I asked if she thought they would ever have any more kids, and she blushed before telling me that she's nearly three months along and hoping for a girl to complete their family. We set up a double date for a couple of weeks after initiation begins while eating tiramisu and drinking coffee. Carter starts his vacation on the 15th so we plan on meeting here at the Italian restaurant on the 16th.
Before I left for home, I asked Isobel why she had the extra tests done the day before, and she told me that my steadily rising blood pressure has her troubled and that it's better to be safe than sorry. Well, I couldn't help myself and immediately started to fret about my baby but she reassured me and told me that it was her job to be concerned and that it was my job to keep the baby safe and healthy. She assured me that if there was anything to truly be worried about that I would be the first to know but so far all the results she's looked at have been within the normal range, which is good. I have to say, I'm trying really hard not to be apprehensive because I know too much stress isn't good for Peanut but it's really hard to know there's a potential problem and that there's nothing I can do about it.
Yesterday, Tobias and I had our first marriage counseling session with the psychiatrist recommended by Dr. Wilson. The first thing Dr. Amelia Shaw did was give us a questionnaire about the state of our marriage. After grading them, she told us that she didn't quite understand why we were seeking counseling. In her opinion, even though our relationship is young, it is very strong. We explained to her that we've had an extremely rough year. Tobias talked about Marcus' lies about his mother; learning his mother was still alive and had abandoned him; learning about the existence of three additional younger siblings; finding out where Laurel was; Evelyn's death; the custody battle; and Tessa and Tyler's adoptions. I talked about Cameron Wright's deception on New Year's Eve and the attempted poisoning; the unplanned pregnancy; the rushed wedding; the attempted assault in the training room; the kidnapping, memory serum administration, forced wedding, and rape; and getting shot. After we were ensured complete discretion, together we talked about stopping the war on Abnegation; becoming Dauntless leaders; the mess with the potential Divergent lists, although we didn't reveal that we both are in fact Divergent; the trouble with Maria, Erin, and Dr. Young in Dauntless; the mass shooting at the council meeting; Caleb and Dad's injuries; and Mom's kidnapping. After this massive list, Dr. Shaw leaned back in her chair, took a deep breath, and told us that we would definitely benefit from a few couples sessions but she thought that individual appointments would be better suited for us but we both politely declined. We will do anything for each other and our family so we're okay with discussing our shared problems and divulging secrets but neither one of us is comfortable with one-on-one sessions and talking only about ourselves. She asked us questions about a wide variety of topics ranging from our parenting style to our sex life for the remainder of our time together. When she brought up Peter, the kidnapping, wedding, and assault, I tensed up. She asked if it changed our relationship, and Tobias automatically said no but after thinking carefully about her question, I said that it did. Of course, I backpedaled a bit when I realized I hurt Tobias with my answer and let him and Dr. Shaw both know that dealing with the aftermath of that experience strengthened our bond and has given us an even better relationship. Before we left, she gave us a couple pamphlets on communication styles that she wants us to read before our next appointment in one month. We agreed to have six additional visits over the next six months since our situation isn't dire.
When we left the clinic, we didn't go straight back to Dauntless. We decided to take a short detour. First, we shared a banana split at the old fashioned ice cream parlor downtown then headed over to the Navy Pier. We rode on the Ferris wheel first. Each ride we take reminds me that this was my wedding present, and I fall more deeply in love with my husband. This time we kept the ride strictly PG and only made out … a lot! After the second time around we headed to the carrousel for a spin then walked back to the car talking about the memorial service for Evelyn, which is tomorrow morning here at the Pier. Tobias invited Jeffrey and Laurel but we decided against bringing Tyler and Tessa. Tyler doesn't do well at the mention of his birth mother, and even though he hasn't brought up his adoption again, we don't want to traumatize him any more than he already has been. I hope we're making the right decision. Tobias did get word to Edward through a go between he used to communicate with his mother, and several factionless will be there also. They apparently looked to her as a leader of sorts and have been grieving since her death in mid-April. Their presence is another reason I don't want my kids there.
"Hey, guys," Uriah says as he and Christina walk in the room. She's right behind him carrying Liam.
"Hi, Uriah, Christina," Tobias says giving Christina an odd look.
"Don't start, Four," she says. "He keeps me calm, so I want him here for after my fear landscape. Tris, can you hold him while I'm in there?"
"Uh, sure," I say. I guess I won't be attached to the program after all.
"Why do we have to do this again?" Uriah asks. Tobias closes his eyes and groans.
"You know why you have to do this, and you're not alone," Tobias says. "Christina and I will be joining you."
"I'd do it too if Isobel would let me," I say.
"I just didn't think I'd ever have to do this again," he says.
"Tell me, Uriah, is the cafeteria running out of cake one of your worse fears?" I ask with a giggle, trying to lighten the mood and Tobias nearly chokes trying to cover up a laugh. The look on Uriah's face is priceless.
"Did you tell her, Four?" he gasps.
"No, you just did," Tobias says, laughing freely. Christina and I pause, give each other a dumbfounded look, and then burst out laughing. Uriah stands there shaking his head.
"I guess I walked right into that one, didn't I?" he says.
"Running out of cake is one of your worst fears?" Christina says, trying to catch her breath. "That is priceless!"
"I'll kick some ass if any of you repeat that. I don't care who you are. Marlene doesn't even know," Uriah says. "You guys know how I feel about cake. Sometimes that's all I eat. I don't think I would survive if it was ever taken away." I see him shudder at the thought. He's dead serious right now but I can't stop laughing. "I thought you were my friend, Tris Prior." Oh now he's in full on pout mode much like Tyler does. I try my hardest to stop laughing but I just can't stop, and I howl until my chest hurts from the exertion. When I finally regain my senses, they're all staring at me.
"I'm sorry, Uriah," I say, wiping the tears from my eyes. "I don't know what came over me."
"I do," Christina says. "He's hilarious!"
"It's alright," he grumbles then pulls me in for a big bear hug. "I'm sure I'll get you back someday." We all chuckle at that.
"Okay then. Fun time is over. Time to get to work," Tobias says. "Who wants to go first?"
"I will," Christina says. She kisses Liam's little head before handing him to me. I automatically go into Mommy mode when he's in my arms and cradle him just so, swaying my body ever so slightly. Wow, he's so much lighter than Tessa. Maybe I'm feeding her too much. "I'd like to get this over with. This definitely is not on my list of favorite things to do." I watch Tobias administer the simulation serum into the left side of Christina's neck then she walks through the door into the fear landscape room. Tobias kisses the side of my head then disappears into the attached control room leaving Uriah and me in the observation room. Christina stands perfectly still with her head down like she's looking at the floor, her arms held stiffly at her side with her hands balled into fists. The second the simulation begins, she starts to move.
I have every intention of watching what Christina does in that small room but my mind keeps wandering back through my multiple fear landscapes, and it distracts me. One minute I'm watching her looking around the room like she hears something that frightens her, and the next I'm back in my living room while Evelyn takes my beautiful baby girl out of my arms. Liam's cries pull me out of the past. My body has stilled, and he doesn't like it. I put him up to my shoulder, rub his back, and lightly bounce my body the way Tessa likes me to do, and he immediately calms down. I smile brightly realizing I'm really getting the hang of being a mother.
Christina suddenly stops, looks up, and then starts waving her hands frantically in front of her face then stops just as quickly. That must be the moths. I've teased her in the past but I'll never do it again. She looked absolutely terrified. Now I'm watching her walk around the room talking to herself but it's not obvious what fear she's facing at the moment. Even though it's worse than the moths it doesn't seem to be causing her the same type of distress. Next she looks at her hands and releases a blood curdling scream causing Uriah and me to jump and Liam to start wailing. This is probably not the best environment for an infant. I do my best to comfort the little guy but I think he won't calm down until he's safe and sound in his mother's arms. We watch Christina close her eyes, and almost instantly her heart rate goes down. Suddenly she falls to her knees and starts crawling across the floor then lies flat on her stomach until she calms down. She slowly gets to her feet, and I can see she's visibly shaking.
I can't tell how many fears she's faced but she seems to be working through them quickly. I stare at her movements trying to figure out what fears her mind are presenting now. Our fear landscapes are something we really never discussed. I know about moths and becoming factionless but other than that, I'm clueless. I don't even know what her number is. She starts looking around the room like she's lost something and bends over and picks something up and cradles it close to her body. Just as the simulation ends, I realize what that was. Her greatest fear has something to do with the boy who is still whimpering in my arms. She comes charging through the door into the observation room, tears streaming down her face, and takes Liam from me without a word. She holds him close, kissing his head and face almost nonstop. The minute she takes him from me, he calms down instantly.
"I told you he loves you," I whisper in her ear. She grabs ahold of me and cries into my shoulder until she has no tears left to shed.
"I'm sorry," she says, sniffling. "That last fear was horrible. He…" She can't bring herself to say it but I think I know by her actions. Finding Liam dead is her worse fear. Suddenly I'm very thankful for not having to go through her landscape today.
"Go home, Christina," Tobias says, sounding on edge. When did he come into the room? I know it's not easy for him to be privy to everyone's fears. "That's all we need from you today. Do you want Tris to walk you?"
"No, I'm fine now," she says. "I didn't mean to lose my cool. Tell me I don't have to do that again next year." Her last sentence comes out through quivering lips, and I wonder if she's truly okay.
"No," Tobias says. "It's a onetime deal."
"Thank God!" she says. "I'll see you guys later." We watch as she quickly ducks out of the room holding Liam tight and heads toward home. I text Will telling him he needs to check on Christina sooner rather than later, and he quickly responds wanting to know what happened. I don't think I should give the details away so I tell him she had a bad fear and he needs to get home.
"What was that last fear of hers?" Uriah asks, concern on his face. I don't think any of us have seen Christina as broken up as she just was. She's always the epitome of strength, and she totally fell to pieces. Sometimes I hate that we have to face our worse fears.
"I don't think you want to know," Tobias quietly says. "I'm not sure I'll ever get that image out of my mind. I'll tell you this, I wish I could hug and kiss my kids right now. You ready, Uri?"
"Yeah," he says, seeming very stoic all of a sudden. Tobias gives him the injection then he goes into the fear landscape room.
"I'll be attached to the program, Tris. There's no need for both of us to do it," he says. "You're the only one I want seeing my landscape though. I hope that's alright." I nod at him just as Uriah's simulation begins. Tobias hurries into the control room, and I stand back and watch Uriah, trying to guess what he's afraid of. Most of the time he's pacing back and forth in a small section of the landscape room or standing as still as a statue not really giving anything away. Once, he is on his hands and knees crawling around but other than that doesn't give much away. He only makes a noise once, and that is when he screams "no" at the top of his lungs. I glance through the door at Tobias who has a smile on his face, and I know I just witnessed Uriah's true obsession with Dauntless cake. After another couple fears, according to his heart monitor, the lights come back on, and Tobias shakes Uriah's hand and tells him we're done with him today.
"Are you ready to go through yours or do you want to take a break?" I ask.
"Let's go home and grab a bite to eat," he says. "I'm hungry so you must be starving."
"Actually, I am," I say rubbing my tummy. We turn off the lights, lock up the simulation room, and walk the short distance home. It's no wonder I missed that he was going through his fear landscape almost daily earlier this year. We live extremely close. He could easily slip away for 10-15 minutes, and no one would be the wiser. I know I wasn't.
"What do you want for lunch?" he asks as he stands in front of the refrigerator, taking in the leftovers.
"How about sandwiches and soup," I say.
"We don't have any soup, and I don't have time to make any right now," he says as he takes out various ingredients from the pantry, freezer, and refrigerator.
"When's the last time you were through your fear landscape, Tobias?" I ask as I get dishes and silverware out of the cupboards.
"It's been about a month," he says. "I stopped when you asked me to. It's been tough though wondering if the fears have changed."
"It's like you're addicted to your fear landscape," I mutter. "Are you sure we can't just map your last one so you don't have to do this. No one will ever know."
"I understand where you're coming from," he says. "I really do but that isn't very ethical, and we would both know. I promise I won't spiral out of control. I'll go through it this one last time, and that will be that." I put my hand on his arm, and he turns and looks at me.
"Do you promise?" I ask. He lightly caresses my cheek.
"What are you afraid of, love?" he asks. Everything. Nothing.
"I don't know," I whisper. He draws me into his arms and lowers his lips to mine. He kisses me slowly, softly. I kiss him back with an intensity that frightens me. Tears start streaming down my face.
"Hey, what's going on with you?" he asks holding me tight. I'm too emotional to speak so he just lets me cry.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I don't like that I'm in your fear landscape. I should never be a source of pain for you." He sighs.
"You're not a source of pain for me. You make me happy. I don't know what I would do without you. Please stop worrying about this," he says as he kisses my temple. "Sit down. I'll finish lunch."
"Okay." I sit down at the island and examine how I'm feeling. For some reason I'm all over the place today, one minute I'm up and the next I'm lower than I've ever been. I'm going to chalk it up to the baby hormones. I do my deep, controlled breathing and start to feel better immediately. Tobias slides a plate with a cold turkey and Swiss sandwich, potato salad, raw vegetables and dill dip, and frozen melon balls on it to me. "Thank you. This looks wonderful."
"You're welcome," he says. After he gets us each a glass of milk, he sits down next to me. "Are you feeling better?" I blush thinking about my irrationality.
"Hormones," I say, "I think. I'm really sorry."
"No need to apologize," he says. "Wow, we haven't seen the hormones for quite a while."
"I know," I say with a chuckle. I can tell by the look on his face that he isn't sure if he should have said that or not. I take a bite of my sandwich and moan. "Oh man this is good. I can't believe how hungry I am." We chat throughout lunch, and by the time we head back to the landscape room, we've forgotten about my irrational outburst.
"Are you ready?" he asks me as we're standing in front of the simulation computer entering the data for his fear landscape.
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" I ask as an illogical anxiety courses through my veins and my head starts pounding again.
"You've never done this," he says.
"You taught me well," I say. "I'll be fine." He gives me a lingering kiss before gently attaching one wire to each of my temples.
"You will be able to monitor my actions on this screen," he says pointing to the display on the left. The giant computer is as tall as it is wide and has three monitors on it. "This screen shows you my heart rate. When it reaches the acceptable level, it will flash green and the program will either move on to the next fear or end depending on which fear it's on. The last screen will give you my time. You can obviously disregard it today. Making it through in a timely manner is not the purpose of this exercise. This is the record button." He slides a finger over a worn blue square button in the center of the console. "As soon as I inject myself with the simulation serum, you need to hit this. Okay?" I nod at him. "Don't worry, Tris." He gives me another quick kiss then walks to the door and picks up the syringe.
"Good luck," I say. We both know what I mean. Please be Four again. He smiles and nods at me but it doesn't quite meet his eyes. I think he's anxious about going through his fear landscape again. He injects the serum into the left side of his neck like he's probably done hundreds of times before then turns his back on me. I watch him take a deep breath then disappear through the door into the fear landscape room.