I take a deep breath of my own and reach over and hit the faded blue record button on the fear landscape computer and see the red light turn green. Good it's working. I'm nervous, one, because I've never done this before, and Tobias' wellbeing has been left in my inexperienced hands and, two, I have to live his fear landscape for the second time, and I'm afraid of what I'll see. I watch him standing in the next room on one of the three massive monitors in front of me when everything shifts.
How strange. It's like I'm seeing his innermost thoughts playing out in my mind but I can still make out the computer screens in front of me. It's quite disorienting. I have to make myself concentrate. It's my job to see to it that nothing physically happens to Tobias. He no longer thinks he's standing inside the fear landscape room here in the compound. His mind has him frozen in fear 100 stories up near the edge of the roof of the Hancock Building, wind whipping violently around him. I momentarily wonder how he knows what the top of the skyscraper looks like. He's terrified of heights, and I'm confident he's never been up there. I shake the distracting thought off as I watch him pull himself together and rush toward the edge of the building and jump off. Just before he hits the ground, I see the center display flashing green, and the scene fades away, leaving him kneeling in a completely black space with his head down, trying to catch his breath.
Tobias slowly gets to his feet, obviously knowing what comes next, and I witness a cube appear out of nowhere and form around him, hugging the contours of his body. Panic quickly overtakes him, and he forcefully pushes on the walls to no avail. They don't budge. He looks around with an air of desperation on his face. Oh, my poor Tobias. He appears to be thoroughly freaking out right now, like he's in actual physical pain, and then I realize something. I may be watching his fears in my mind but I'm not feeling the same terror that I know he's experiencing at this moment. This is so strange. I watch as he shrinks down, wraps his arms around his knees, and the box contracts with him. He closes his eyes, and I see his heart rate slowly but steadily lower until the screen flashes green, and the box disappears.
"Two down, Tobias," I say, not realizing I'm speaking out loud. "Two more to go, baby. You got this." Hopefully. I'm shocked when the scene morphs into our apartment, and I witness me and Tobias laughing, talking, and fixing a meal in the kitchen. I examine his face and, although he looks like he's happy in the moment, I know him well enough to know that he's anxious about what's coming up next. About that time, a beautiful young girl about 12 or 13 with nearly black shoulder length curls, captivating light bluish gray eyes, and dimples I would know anywhere comes running down the stairs followed closely by a slightly older young man dressed head to toe in Dauntless black who looks nearly the spitting image of my husband with the exception of possessing my eyes. I choke back tears. It's Tyler and Tessa but as teenagers. I would recognize them anywhere. When they see Tobias they both stop in their tracks with a look on their face I never want to see again. They look terrified of their own father. I find myself on the edge of my seat waiting to see how this plays out even though he's already told me how he deals with this fear.
"W-we're s-sorry, D-Daddy," Tessa stammers, eyes wide with fear. "We w-won't run d-down the stairs a-again."
"Please don't use the belt," Tyler whimpers, suddenly looking years younger. At his son's words, I see Tobias flinch and glance toward the wall of windows, and I see it. The reflection staring hatefully back at him is Marcus, not himself. It's surreal seeing what he sees.
"I am so sorry that I ever hurt either one of you," I hear him whisper not only in my mind but over the monitor. He closes his tear-filled, pained eyes and begins deep breathing exercises to get his heart rate down, waiting for this fear to pass. I look at simulation me. I'm just standing there. I don't look content or distraught. I don't look concerned or upset. I look … indifferent. I know this isn't about me but does he honestly think I would just idly stand by and let him abuse my children?
The apartment quickly disappears, and I don't immediately recognize the barren space that replaces it, although I must admit it seems vaguely familiar. He scans the surrounding area slowly with the same confused look that I know I must be wearing. Are we at the hospital? Just like the confining box in his second fear appears out of nowhere, a bustling emergency room waiting room materializes around him right before our eyes. My heart starts beating in my ears wondering what comes next. Something tells that this isn't going to be good.
"Have you been briefed about their condition yet?" my mom frantically asks, rushing up to Tobias's side with my father. Caleb and Cara are right behind them, tears streaming down both their worried faces. Tobias looks lost and just stands there gawking at her. "Tobias Eaton, so help me God, how are my daughter and grandchildren?" I've only seen my mother look this way once, when she thought she was going to lose my father. She looks worse than terrible. I can tell that she's been crying, and she's trying very hard to hold herself together.
"I-I don't know," he stiffly says. His eyes consistently scan the room but he seems at a loss. He has no idea what's going on. The now very familiar set of heavy-looking oversized wooden doors marked with a no visitors beyond this point sign swings open, and Dr. Wilson purposefully walks into the waiting room, and I tense when I see his face. What the hell is this fear? Tobias has never talked about this, and I suddenly understand, he's never faced this fear before.
"Four, as you know your wife and children were brought in earlier today after an automobile accident, with particularly severe injuries," the simulation doctor says. Tobias gasps at this unexpected news. I knew this wasn't going to be good. "First, I will address your wife's condition. The trauma of the crash made an emergency cesarean necessary because the fetus was in severe distress when they arrived but I'm afraid that the injuries were too much to overcome and neither your wife nor newborn daughter made it. We did all we could to save them." Tobias stumbles backwards a couple steps until he falls onto one of the three-seat couches. He stares up at the doctor with desperate eyes but doesn't appear to be seeing him. My gaze travels along my simulation family's faces. My parents are embracing and both crying soundlessly. My brother looks lost, and Cara is trying to comfort him to no avail. They, too, are devastated. This is hard to watch on so many levels.
"Tyler and Tessa?" Tobias manages to get out barely above a whisper. I make myself look at the doctor and immediately know what's coming next.
"I'm sorry," he says. "They were both DOA." I really don't want to watch anymore of this but I don't have a choice. When I squeeze my eyes tightly shut trying to block the unfolding tragedy from my mind, it only makes the horrifying images clearer. I have no choice but to sink back into my chair and witness my husband's misery and tragic loss. Tobias puts his face in his hands and starts wailing. I've never heard such shredding pain in my life. It's ripping my still beating heart out of my chest. I look at the center monitor, and his heart rate has skyrocketed into the dangerous level. Oh, this isn't good.
"Come on, baby," I stammer. "Calm down and get yourself out of there. I can't watch much more of this. Please calm down."
"I need to see them," Tobias says, regaining his voice. No, no, no! I scream in my head. I can't see my babies like that. Oh please, Tobias, don't make me witness that. I don't think I could live through that. The doctor furrows his brows and takes a cleansing breath.
"I wouldn't recommend that," Dr. Wilson softly says, lying his hand on Tobias' shoulder. He looks up at him with wet, pleading, anguished eyes.
"That's my family in there," he whispers, his voice breaking. "I need to see them. I need to say goodbye."
"If you insist, please give us a few minutes to make them presentable," Dr. Wilson says.
"What the hell does that mean?" Tobias shouts, his voice rough with tears.
"Please calm down, son," my dad shakily says sitting down next to my distraught husband.
"I would recommend remembering them as they were, Tobias," he softly says. "No one should see their loved ones that way."
"But they're my family, Andrew. She's my wife. That's my kids, my babies." His agony is palpable. Witnessing it makes me feel like I'm going to be physically ill. I feel the hot tears streaming uncontrollably down my face and know there's nothing that will stop them. Peanut's near-constant movement is the only thing holding me together at the moment.
"I know that, Tobias," he says, trying to stay strong. "They loved you more than anything on this planet. Don't give yourself a negative image to override all the good ones. Remember Beatrice, Tyler, and Tessa healthy, happy, and smiling. That's what they would want." Tobias closes his eyes for a moment and a faint smile lifts his lips for a split second before the suffering returns.
"What about Peanut … uh Teagan?" he asks the doctor softly. "I never got the chance to meet her, hold her. Can I hold my daughter?" I cradle my growing abdomen between my loving arms and cherish every one of the kicks she's giving me.
"I'll take you to a private room so you can be alone with your daughter," he says. I watch my entire simulation family follow silently behind the simulation doctor. My heart pounds painfully in my chest. I don't want to see this.
"We'll wait out here for a few minutes," Dad says. "Give you some privacy." Tobias doesn't respond he just enters the unadorned room and sinks down into the wooden rocking chair. The door opens up and Isobel who looks just as distraught as my family comes into the room carrying a tiny bundle wrapped in a small fuzzy pink blanket.
"I'm so sorry for your loss, Four," she says as she gently places our lifeless daughter in his arms. I gasp loudly when I see her. She is so tiny and absolutely perfect. She has wisps of wavy wheat-colored blonde hair, my nose, and mouth but she has her daddy's ears and lips.
"It's nice to meet you my precious little girl, Teagan Grace Eaton. You look exactly like your beautiful Mommy." He tugs the blanket up around her face. "I don't want you to get cold, sweetheart." He sobs as he holds her tight and I sob as I observe his agony. "You're with your Mommy, brother, and sister. They'll take really good care of you. I wish we had more time but Daddy will see you soon. I promise." The door opens, and my parents walk in. Tobias gets up and gently puts the sacred bundle in my mother's trembling arms. He quickly walks out of the room, down a series of hallways, and out the front of the hospital where he collapses to his knees, running his hands through his disheveled hair. He looks so lost. He's trying hard to catch his breath but his lungs seem to be failing him at the moment. I want nothing more than to run in there and put my arms around him and tell him that it's not real, that I'm right here but I can't.
He finally gets up off the sidewalk, his Four mask firmly in place. I watch him aimlessly wander around for what seems like hours. A new dreadful thought envelopes me ... I hope you can't get trapped inside your fear landscape. Finally he finds himself back at the compound but it does nothing to comfort him. His heart rate is still in the danger zone. He winds his way down to the Pit, ignoring the numerous faceless Dauntless that pass him and stands on the edge of the chasm staring into dark oblivion. I've witnessed so much, I can't watch this too. I detach myself from the program and, thankfully, his fear landscape immediately disappears from my brain. I stare, sobbing uncontrollably at the monitors in front of me and see that his heart rate is higher than it's ever been. He's been in there for less than ten minutes but it felt like an eternity to me. I stare at him on the screen, and I know the moment the simulation ends. He makes a jumping motion then a couple seconds later he turns and quickly moves towards the door.
He comes bursting into the room and stops in his tracks when he sees me. He closes his eyes, in silent prayer maybe, then is at my side in a heartbeat. He pulls me into his arms and I'm safe, I'm home.
"I thought I'd lost you, lost them forever," he says against my ear, voice trembling. "That is the worst feeling I've ever had in my entire life. Worse than the repeated bite of Marcus' belt. Worse than the endless hours in isolation, locked in that small closet. Worse than you walking out on me." He takes a deep breath trying to calm himself. He's running his hands everywhere, feeling me, making sure I'm real. "Something happened in that fear landscape, Tris, that's never happened before. I momentarily forgot it was a simulation, and when I let myself truly feel the loss." He shakes his head and a painful expression flashes across his face. He grabs my shoulders and puts his face in mine, a look of wild desperation in his eyes. "I can never lose you, Beatrice Grace Eaton. I can never lose our kids. It would kill me. I know that without a doubt now. Please don't ever leave me." I run both my hands down his face and softly kiss his lips.
"Baby, I'm not going anywhere," I say, choking back a sob. "I'll never leave you ... never." We stare deeply into each other's eyes knowing that this is not a promise either one of us should be making. We live an uncertain life in uncertain times. Death can show its ugly face at any time. Haven't we seen enough of that this past year?
"I. Love. You," he says, each word clipped, powerful.
"I love you, too," I whisper. "Thank you for not going into that room to see them. I don't think I would have survived seeing our children..." I can't say the word. It's too horrible to think but to articulate for all to hear would be tempting fate.
He stares down into my eyes with an unfathomable look of love, and I watch as they deepen into a dark indigo. His look intensifies further and suddenly his warm lips land roughly on mine with a vigor and passion that he's never shown before. His tongue forcefully pushes through my lips and meets mine with a gusto that I willingly return. He holds me tightly, kissing me deeply, passionately as his hands roam freely over my body like he's reacquainting himself with every inch of it.
"I couldn't stand seeing you in that much pain. I wanted to burst in there and hold you," I say against his lips then deepen the kiss even more. He presses himself against me like he's trying to occupy the same space I'm in then jumps back a bit, startled, staring down. I smile.
"She kicked me," he says, disbelief clear in his voice. Newfound tears swim in his eyes. He kneels down in front of me and wraps his arms around me. He kisses every inch of my expanded abdomen and chuckles a couple times.
"I'm not exactly sure what she's doing … somersaults, jumping jacks, practicing kick boxing but she's definitely glad for her Daddy's attention," I say. I reach out and run my fingers through his hair until he looks up at me. His expression is once again unfathomable and it does something strange to me between my thighs. He slowly stands and once again his hungry mouth is on mine.
"Turn around, love," he says. "I want you right here, right now." I don't think twice. I want him. I spin on my toes until I'm facing away from him. I hear him unbutton his jeans and lower his zipper right before he bends me over until I'm holding onto the fear landscape computer. He reverently runs his hands up and down my back, over my behind, and up and down the back of my thighs then lifts my skirt up. He bends over me, molding his body to mine, and I feel his powerful erection against me. I close my eyes and revel in how his arousal makes me feel. His hands find the waistband of my black lace boy shorts, and he slowly lowers them until I feel them around my ankles. I step out of them, and he pushes my legs apart as he sinks to his knees. My entire body quakes with pleasure when I feel his mouth on me. I stiffen my legs to keep from falling to the floor and hold tight to the computer console. I hang my head while I enjoy his hot, wet tongue repeatedly thrusting back and forth into my moist heat. When he starts delicately circling my sensitive nubbin, I throw my head back and come gloriously hard, trying not to crush him with my thighs. He keeps up the ministrations until my knees threaten to buckle then he kisses his way up my back while I pant heavily beneath his magnificent body. He wastes no time in entering me, and the wonderfully full feeling threatens to overwhelm me. He slowly withdraws his manhood from my body, and I moan at the emptiness. After a moment, he enters me again then leaves me just as quickly.
"Please, baby," I pant. "No teasing. Show me how much you love me, how much you need me. God, I need you right now. Fill me, baby." I can feel him smile behind me as he once again enters me then sets a slow, steady in-and-out pace. He wraps his body around mine and circles my nubbin with his finger while he kisses my neck. I toss my head back onto Tobias' shoulder and take in all the sensation he's offering up. God, how I love this man, my man. I push back harder against him, and he increases our pace, pounding into me more forcefully, making me cry out.
"I love you, Tris," he says into my ear as we move together in perfect harmony. The consistent pressure he's placing on my aching bundle of nerves has me on a fast track to my second release of the afternoon and my thoughts are scattered. "I'll never let you go." He moves his hands to my hips and speeds his thrusts further. I hear his uninhibited cry of satisfaction in my ear as I shatter into a million pieces around his pistoning length. I feel his hand move and once again his finger is on my sensitive nubbin.
"Tobias!" I shout as yet another spasm of pure pleasure rockets through me. He knows my body so well, and I'm a slave to his touch. When the final tremor ripples through my body, he stops his welcome assault. We stay as we are, letting our racing hearts calm, and our breathing return to normal.
"That was wonderful, Mrs. Eaton," he says, kissing my neck. I smile then open my eyes. What I see makes me tense immediately.
"Oh God, Tobias," I say, panic rising to a fevered level.
"What is it, love," he pants against my ear.
"We have a camera on us."