I lie down on the couch with a wet washcloth over my eyes in an attempt to rid myself of this throbbing headache. I'm truly surprised the sex Tobias and I had earlier didn't help but I guess the humiliation of being caught on camera actually made it worse. I fall into a peaceful sleep for about half-an-hour and finally wake feeling refreshed and pain free. I glance at the clock on the wall and know that Tobias will be leaving to pick the kids up from daycare soon, so if I leave right now, I'll be able to join him. I'm giddy at the thought of seeing my babies. It's been such a long, stressful day. They are sure to put a smile on my face.
It doesn't take me very long to make my way back to the fear landscape room. I notice that I have a trepidation I've never felt about entering this room but Tobias and I have talked about his fear landscape and how it makes us both feel enough to last a lifetime so I shrug off the uneasy feeling. I try the doorknob but find it locked. He must be in his office. I go back down the hallway I just came from and go straight to his office. I don't bother to knock, I just let myself in. He's so absorbed in whatever it is he's doing, he doesn't even notice my arrival. I lean back against the door and watch him for a time then decide to sit on the couch. When the leather groans at my weight, he looks up startled.
"Hey," he says, wide eyed. "How long have you been here?"
"A few minutes," I say.
"You look like you're feeling better," he says, running his eyes over my body.
"I took a quick nap, and it helped," I say. "What are you doing?"
"Entering the data from today's fear landscapes into the mapping program. I think we might use some fears from each of us instead of just one persons. It only seems fair to me."
"That does sound like a good idea," I say. "Can I see what you're doing?"
"Sure," he says. "Come here." I cross to his desk, and he pulls me down onto his lap. He puts his head on my shoulder and wraps his arms around me. "I'm taking all the data from today and entering it into our digital personnel files. It's mundane work but necessary."
"I could do that for you," I say turning my head to meet his steady, intense gaze. He gives me a quick peck and rubs my belly lovingly.
"That isn't necessary but if you really want something to do, you could file these," he says, leaning us forward then handing me a manila file folder. I get off his lap and flip through its contents. Its paper copies of the data he retrieved from the fear landscape computer and some miscellaneous data and notes. I read over Christina' and Uriah's fears as I'm filing them away in their personnel records. It seems Christina is afraid of needles, thunder and lightning, being attacked by a dog, large bodies of water, moths, exposure, blood, falling into the chasm, a train crash, becoming factionless, being a bad mother, losing Will, and her greatest fear is Liam dying. Uriah is afraid of being out of control, the factionless, worthlessness, running out of cake, dying, getting trapped by an earthquake, his family's death, commitment, and his greatest fear is rejection. Commitment and rejection both? How strange.
"Should you be reading those?" he asks with a grin on his face, staring at me. I blush. He once told me that it was a great responsibility being privy to others greatest fears. Now I feel like I was snooping.
"Uh … I … oh," I stutter, slamming the file folder shut.
"I was kidding, Tris," he says. "You can look at them." He gives me an apologetic smile for flustering me.
"Oh," I say smiling back at him. He draws me back onto his lap after I finish my filing. I relax in his arms. There's really no place I'd rather be. "Let me ask you something. How do you know Uriah is scared of being out of control? How does that present itself? I'm picturing him running around like a chicken that just lost its head." He wraps his arms around me and laughs rather loudly in my ear. "So glad I amuse you."
"I'm sorry, love," he says against my ear then he kisses my neck sending a shiver down my spine. "Hana gets sick and there's nothing Uriah can do for her. He has no control."
"How do you know it isn't fear of his mom getting sick?" I ask. "Or of losing her? Why control?"
"The same way I know you're not terrified of crows. I've been doing this long enough to recognize the subtleties," he says. "Plus, it isn't always Hana. It's also been Zeke, Marlene, and once even … you."
"Me?"
"I think he had a bit of a crush on you at one time," he says.
"No," I say, my mouth hanging open. "I don't believe that."
"I could be wrong but I saw how he looked at you during initiation. I think he would have been happy if you'd been interested in him," he says. I twist in his lap so that we are eye to eye.
"You sound jealous, Tobias Eaton," I say, shocked at his thinking. I take his face between my hands. "You've never had anything to be jealous of. There's only been you. There'll only ever be you. You know that." I give him a slow, lingering kiss.
"I know," he says, his lips still pressed against mine. Once he pulls away he asks, "Any other questions?" He knows me so well.
"Yeah. I do have some more questions. So when it says Christina fears exposure is that exposed as in naked? I've dreamt of being naked in upper levels a few times so I know how that goes." I shudder at the memory.
"No," he chuckles then blushes. "I haven't seen that as a fear in my two years doing this but I imagine it could pop up at some point. Like your crows, there are some fears that are subtle and harder to figure out. I'm not sure that exposure is even the correct term for what she experiences. At some point the four of us need to sit down and we need to give our take on our fears. But anyway, it's related to her childhood in Candor. She doesn't want everyone looking at her. When people do, she feels exposed. It's actually kind of strange."
"That might have something to do with not wanting to go through Candor's initiation," I say. "I think she even mentioned that it leaves you feeling exposed, like you're walking around naked."
"Most fears are transparent though," he says. He runs one hand to my lower back and starts gently rubbing it. How did he know it's hurting?
"What do you mean transparent?" I ask.
"Just that. If I say someone is scared of rabbits, I mean literally terrified of cute little furry bunnies. I've seen it before, I'll see it again. Not everyone's minds works like yours or Uriah's. I've learned something about this with Tori's help. Every initiate who is found out to be divergent has less transparent fears than their counterparts. Why do you think that is?" I shrug my shoulders at him. "If you think about it, what honestly was your greatest fear during initiation?" I don't hesitate.
"Being found out that I'm Divergent," I say. I furrow my brows at him then my eyes get really big. "Why didn't that show up in my fear landscape?" And why have I only now thought of that?
"It's only a theory but we think a Divergent brain protects itself," he says. "Maybe manipulating the simulations isn't the only thing we're able to do. You're quite extraordinary, being immune to most serums. We think that a Divergents brain is hardwired differently. But it's only speculation."
"You might be right," I say. "I can't believe I never thought of this before." He starts kissing my neck as he continues rubbing my back. "What are you doing, Tobias?"
"I'm trying to seduce my wife. Is it working?" God, his mouth feel so good. I close my eyes and lean into him, and I feel his lips turn up into a smile against my skin.
"We already made love today, and we got caught," I mumble. "That will never happen again … ever. From now on it's only in our bedroom."
"I think I can persuade you," he says. I shake my head but his mouth feels so good.
"We should go get the kids," I murmur, trying to break this captivating spell he has on me. I go to get off his lap but he tightens his grip on me, keeping me in place.
"I have something else in mind, love," he says, nuzzling my ear with his nose. Damn he's good. Much more of this and I won't be able to resist. I start squirming uncontrollably in his lap when he caresses my full breast, and he groans loudly. He moves his hands to my hips and stills me. "You better stop that unless you want me inside you this instant." I gasp. "You're killing me, Tris." I feel his hardening manhood against my bottom, and a moan escapes my throat, but I shake my head and manage to clear it. We can't do this. I won't allow it.
"Tobias, no," I say, shaking my head. He immediately stops kissing me. "We can't do that here, not now. Please stop. We have just enough time to get to the daycare center and pick up the kids. Later when we get home. I promise." He stares heatedly into my eyes as he moves me off his lap. My legs feel like jelly so I clutch the side of the desk to keep from falling to the floor.
"Are you okay?" he asks, his voice husky with arousal.
"You're not playing fair. We let things get carried away earlier because we we're both feeling emotionally charged from your fear landscape and were filmed having sex. I know there's not a camera in here but I'm not going to take a chance like that for some time. I love you, and I do want you but not here."
"I'm sorry," he says, bashfully. "I'd say I wasn't thinking but the problem is I was thinking with the wrong part of my body. I'm a shit for asking you to have sex here so soon after getting caught by Zeke." He stands up right in front of me and stares down into my suddenly wide eyes. "But know this, love. I'm not giving up on our lists." Oh, our lists. I'd forgotten about them with everything that's been going on the past month or so. "The fear landscape room wasn't on mine but my office is. And one day I will make love to you on my desk." I gasp before his lips softly touch mine. He slowly moves his mouth with mine, gently coaxing it open with his tongue. We let our tongues dance then right before he lets me go, he captures my bottom lip with his teeth, giving it a playful little tug. He moves his mouth to my ear and says, "I look forward to being inside you tonight." He captures my head between his hands and gives me a swift, quick kiss. "Let's go get our kids. I really need to see them." I look up at him, dazed. I lost my ability to think straight when he whispered in my ear. He takes my hand and leads me out of his office, locking it behind us.
"Thank you," I softly say about halfway down the path. He furrows his brows at me, not knowing what I'm grateful for. "For stopping." His look becomes incredulous.
"Did you think I would force you?"
"Oh, God no," I say, appalled at the direction his thoughts took him. "I'm thanking you for not talking me into it, which you could have easily done. Maybe you don't know how much power you wield over me but I have a hard time telling you no." His look smooth over.
"I shouldn't have done that in my office … or the fear landscape for that matter," he says putting his arm around my shoulder. "And you can always tell me no."
"The problem is, I don't want to," I say. He chuckles and kisses the top of my head. I change the subject from sex and fear landscapes to our weekend plans on the remainder of our walk to the Pit, making us both a lot more relaxed.
"I can't wait to kiss the kids," he says. "Do you want to go to the cafeteria or pick up some food and take it home?" I look up at him, seeing if I can read his face. I'm not ready to face Zeke but should we really put it off? Ugh! I don't know.
"Let's grab some take out and spend a quiet night at home with the kids," I say. He smiles knowingly at me but doesn't mention Zeke or my reluctance to see him. I open the glass door to the daycare center and find Tyler pouting in the timeout chair. I take a deep breath and sigh. What's he done now?
"Hello, Mrs. Wheeler," Tobias says. When Tyler hears his father's voice he hangs his head. "Why is Tyler in the timeout chair?"
"He took toys away from Zane, Mia, Emma, and Elliott today," the daycare teacher says. "He was given multiple warnings but his behavior continued. He was told he had to sit in the timeout chair until you came to pick him up. I'll go get Tessa for you."
"Thank you," I say. Tobias and I stand staring at our son. I'm surprised when Tobias picks him up out of the chair identical to the one we have at home and holds him tight, hugging him close. Tyler clings to Tobias and starts crying. Mrs. Wheeler comes back carrying our daughter who smiles brightly when she sees me. I take her and give her a big kiss.
"Let's go home," Tobias says. "Mrs. Wheeler, we'll address Tyler's behavior with him tonight. Hopefully, we can get to the root of this problem. Thank you."
"Thank you, Four," she says, sounding relieved. I've witnessed other parents scold the daycare teachers for disciplining their children, thinking they do no wrong, and I find that behavior atrocious. Tobias and I will teach our children that their behavior, whether they are with us or not, will have consequences. We stop at the commissary's hot food counter and pick up some Chinese food. Even Tyler likes it. We don't say much on the walk home. I carry Tessa and hold Tyler's hand while Tobias carries the two bags of food. I steal glances at Tyler trying to figure out his mood but he's not giving anything away. I don't know how a two-year-old can hide his emotions so well, but ours can. I look up at Tobias, and his face is wearing an identical expression to Tyler's. I should have known.
Tessa's not hungry when we get home so I pull her swing over into the kitchen and put her in it. I set the timer, and she's out like a light in less than five minutes. We decide to eat first then talk to Tyler. We eat from a variety of dishes and savor every bite. After we put the leftovers away and clean up the kitchen we go into the living room. We usually watch movies on family night but that would be too much of a reward for Tyler so Tobias turns some music on and puts it on as background noise.
"Mommy," Tyler says, pulling on the end of my skirt to get my attention.
"Yeah, buddy?" I ask as I sit down on the couch next to Tobias.
"I bad today," he says matter-of-factly. "Mia and Emma cwy."
"Why were you acting badly today?" I ask, lifting him onto my lap.
"I wanted the toy," he says with a sigh. "They no give me when I ask so I taked it."
"Mrs. Wheeler told us that you took toys away from Mia, Emma, Elliott, and Zane," Tobias says. "She also told us that you were given plenty of warnings to stop but you ignored her and had to sit in the timeout chair."
"They had the toy I want so I taked it," he repeats, pouting forcefully.
"You have to learn to share, young man," I say. "You don't take toys away from someone else no matter how much you want to play with them. That isn't being nice. How would it make you feel if Zane took the toy you were playing with away just because he wanted it?" He looks at me confused. "It would hurt your feelings or maybe even make you mad I bet."
"Did you apologize to Mia, Zane, Emma, and, Elliott?" Tobias asks.
"No," he quietly says.
"First thing Monday morning when Mommy and I drop you off at daycare you are going to say you're sorry to your friends," Tobias says. "If you forget, I'll remind you. Tyler Aaron, I don't want to walk into daycare and see you sitting in timeout ever again. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, Daddy," he says. "What I do when I want toy?" Persistent little cuss.
"You find another toy someone is not playing with and play with it," I say. "There's lots of toys to play with at daycare. Or you could look at a book or color. But you must not take toys away from your friends. If you do that a lot, the other kids won't want to play with you anymore, and I don't want that for you. I want you to have lots of friends." I wrap him in my arms, and we cuddle until Tessa starts crying.
"I'll get Pebbles. You stay here," Tobias says as he gets off the couch. She's still cranky after she's changed into a dry diaper and sleeper so I know she's hungry.
"Why don't you sit with Daddy," I whisper in Tyler's ear. "He had a very rough day and really missed you." He gets off my lap and waits for Tobias to hand me Tessa then climbs up on his lap. I immediately begin nursing my girl, and she calm right down.
"Sometimes I'm so jealous," Tobias quietly says. I know my eyes nearly bug out of my skull at his statement but he smiles at me. "Of you, being able to feed her. I'm not jealous of our daughter, although…" He lets the innuendo hang in the air as he stares at my naked breast, and I shake my head at him. Our long, exhausting day is starting to catch up with me, and I lie my head on the back of the couch and close my eyes. A rhythmic swaying of my body makes me open my eyes, and I find Tobias carrying me up the stairs.
"What's going on?" I ask. "Where's Tessa?"
"Tyler and Tessa are both asleep in their rooms," he says as he gently lies me on my side of our already turned down bed.
"How?" I'm so confused it's disorienting.
"I finished her feeding with a bottle after you fell asleep," he says. "You were dead to the world. She was pissed at first, and I'm surprised she didn't wake you up. You just grunted and curled up into a little ball." He gets into bed and I roll toward him, cuddling up against him.
"I should go check on her," I sleepily say with a wide yawn.
"She's fine, love. She finished eating, I gave her a bath, and I put her to bed," he says. "Go back to sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day also."
"What about sex?" I mumble. I'm barely conscious but my earlier promise echoes in my head, and I don't want to disappoint him.
"I'd love to have sex but it would hurt my pride if my wife passed out while I was trying to pleasure her," he says with a chuckle. I feel his lips in my hair, and I try to smile but I think I'm too far gone now. "Sleep now. I love you."
"Mmm," I murmur before drifting further into sleep.