My mind is foggy as I approach the screen built into a wall in the kitchen with heavy feet, I speak the words to activate the call, dragging a chair with me. The screen flickers from black to white as I place the chair down in alignment with the camera. The white screen slowly begins to fade into the beginnings of a person. Anxiety prickles at every inch of my skin, I'm not sure what to expect when I see her. The white turns into a pixelated image of Rey and my heart becomes lighter but my stomach feels heavy.
Her smile captures her entire face and my worries evaporate, but I can't seem to smile back.
We just stare at each other for a long time. I don't know what to say. Calmness – one that no drug Starla could supply – overcomes me and I finally succumb to a small smile. It's been a few days and I haven't had the chance to see her and it makes my heart beat faster, and I forget about why I wanted her to call to begin with. It is almost as if I can feel her light seep through the screen and surround me. Her dark green eyes gleam in the light and the space behind her is a black wall.
"Hey..." I say, on the louder side, because I'm not sure how clear the sound quality is.
"Hi..." We are quiet for a moment and it's almost painful. "How are you?" She asks not really looking at me.
"Yeah, good, how are you?" I reuse her question and receive the same response.
We spiral into an awkward silence and it burns my ears; I click my tongue a few times to break it while I think if something to say. Or more accurately, try and remember what it was meant to ask.
I don't know why we are both struggling to hold a conversation. Maybe because all we have known is intimacy. From the beginning every encounter has been so visceral, so instinctual. Even when we would push each other away it was all emotion and connection. Now we're together but she isn't beside me, and now we have this barrier between us, and everything feels new and awkward.
"I wish you were here," I confess trying to gather my forgotten thoughts, I watch as her apprehension melts.
"I wish I was with you too." As if something clicks, my face falls and I remember the sickening feeling inside my stomach and a subtle ache in my ankle returns for a brief moment as if reminding me why I needed to call her.
"You're not okay," I state, because I know it's the truth and because I know she would try to deny it if I asked. She smiles a tiny smile, but it fades as she closes her eyes and nods through a soft sigh. "What happened?" I add.
"Had a heated encounter, nothing I couldn't handle," I clench my jaw.
"What do you mean?"
She seems to be thinking about her answer very carefully. "I was wandering, and let's just say I wasn't prepared." I feel as if she was here right now that she would have brushed her fingers through my hair.
"Wasn't prepared?" I wait a moment but she doesn't respond. "Are you safe now?" I feel like asking if she needs, or wants, me to come to her, but I restrain from the question. Rey searches my eyes for a moment before nodding.
"Yeah." I believe her, but I still have unease inside of me.
"How's your foot now?" Rey tilts her head.
"I didn't tell you..." She trails off and her eyes flicker down to somewhere below the screen and then back to me. We nod at each other as she remembers that whatever our connection is, it spans between galaxies, tethering us together – at least now I know why it always hurt when we tried to push the other away.
"You didn't have to, I felt it too."
"All of it?" she whispers and I nod.
"All of it," I repeat.
"I'm okay," she looks down.
"It wasn't Kylo. Was it?" I almost beg her for the answer. The fear in her eyes makes me close mine, but when she speaks her voice is strong and defiant. Her fear comes from somewhere Kylo won't ever be able to reach.
"Is he out again?" I shrug.
"I don't know what happened to him, I hope not, that's why I'm asking..."
"Did you think it was him?" her brow creases in concern.
"Of course I did, who else would hurt you like that?" she leans forward, closer to the screen.
"Like what?" I look at her neck; her skin shows no signs of a struggle.
"Suffocate you," she's surprised, and she looks questioningly at me.
"Suff-" she cuts herself off, leans back, and picks up right after, "It wasn't him, I promise." she blinks a few times. I know she's hiding something, or lying, and I can't quite figure out why.
"Who was it then?" I query, I try to be casual and not let on I know she isn't telling me everything.
She goes back to explaining instead of answering the question. I sit back into the chair, I can feel the risen skin of my scar as I lean against it, and it makes me uncomfortable. "I didn't expect to be shoved against a wall, it caught me off guard," she laughs, "I threw him off easily." she's proud and she has the right to be, but my eyes narrow at her choice of words. Rey's eyes flickers away from me and somewhere behind her screen. Her cheeks flush, it's barely noticeable and she blinks a few times, I hear Luke's mumbled voice and Rey nods a few times. As she is turning her attention back to me I click my tongue as I tilt my head slightly; my mouth parts in understanding. I lean forward a little, Rey looks at me with suspicion and concern.
"What's the matter?" She asks.
"When were you going to tell me?" I ask with an eyebrow raised. She tilts her head to mirror mine, and creases her brows, "That it was Luke?" I add. Rey huffs quietly, and then rubs her eyes, before looking at me again.
"How did you..."
"Do you even have to ask anymore," I laugh and smile reassuring her I'm not mad she kept it from me.
"I don't know; when I figured out how I'd tell you so you wouldn't despise him."
"How did you hurt your ankle?" She squints her eyes slightly, unsure where I'm going with the question.
"I rolled it accidently, he started me..." She says quietly.
"Did he hurt you on purpose?"
"No."
"Was it part of training?"
"Of course; he wants me to control my emotions even when the unexpected happens." I nod.
"Okay." I watch her shoulders relax a little.
"Okay?" Rey seems quite surprised be my reaction.
"I trust Luke, he cares about you; a lot more than he admits to himself," Rey smiles but it fades quickly. "It wasn't Kylo and you're okay, and that's all I need to know to make sure you're safe."
"I was worried about how you'd react when I found a way to tell you."
"Why's that?"
"I wasn't sure if you'd tell me to come back home, or you'd be mad at Luke for using the Force against me."
"As much as I want you to be here with me, that wouldn't be fair," her eyes shine a little bit brighter. "Not to worry, you'll have your own personal body guard soon. Well I'll mainly be yours." her brows twitch.
"My, what?" Rey seems a little uneasy.
"When my rehabilitation rounds are over, I will join the negotiation missions and help keep a watch over things as well as keeping the peace," I grin and can't help but puff my chest.
"Finn..." Rey's disappointment makes my heart sink into my stomach. A gnawing irritation mixes with the redness of shame and they overcome me all at once.
"Yeah?" I ask quietly, losing my confidence. I focus on the way her hair shines, the light dances upon the left side more than the right.
"I don't need you following me everywhere you know that right."
"I, yeah I know, but... I thought you'd be happy, I might be able to come on missions with you."
"I'm happy about that," she reassures me immediately, "But do you really want to be a part of that again?"
"A part of what?"
"Something that is so-"
I cut her off "Rey, this is nothing like the First Order, I'll be spreading peace. I want to help, not sit around and wait for another one of our pilots to have a near fatal crash and help them heal. I don't want to fight, but I do want you to be safe and the rest of us. We can't risk losing anyone else; not after the invasion." Rey immediately starts to grin and I don't understand why.
"Did you hear what you just said?" Her voice is full of joy and I rethink my wording, did I make a joke by accident? My silence is enough of a response for her. "You said 'we', Finn, that's the first time you've associated yourself with the Resistance."
I smile softly at her, I didn't realise that, and I adore the fact that she did; that she cares enough to pay attention.
"What's that look for?" She asks quietly.
"I just can't wait until you come back," if I could kiss her through this communicator I would. My fingers twitch with irritation.
"I shouldn't be much longer, about a week, maybe two," I groan instantly. Rey blinks slowly; I don't want her to feel bad for doing what she was destined to, but I can't help but let my irritation show. "I better go. Luke has organised more peace meetings. I never thought being a Jedi would be so boring," she laughs and I smile.
"It'd be worth it though," I smile and she is silent for a moment.
"I love you," she states softly with a little smile and bright eyes. She looks younger when she says the words out loud.
"I love you too." I'm sure I return her exact look. She turns and looks at somewhere off the screen.
"I'll see you soon," the hope in her eyes has the opposite effect and my heart aches. She waves, mouths a small goodbye, and turns off the screen.
"Bye," I whisper to my reflection in the screen.
I sigh and run my hands through my hair. Why is it so hard to live without her?
All I want is to kiss her, and feel her, and hear her talk to me about her day, but she's with Luke half a galaxy away. Just thinking about Rey makes me long for her; in selfish ways. The relief that still flows in my veins gives me the urge to jump in a ship and fly to her, just so she isn't in my memories anymore. So I can sweep her off her feet and kiss every inch of her and remind her how much I love her and how thankful I am she is okay.
But I'm here, sat on a chair in the middle of the kitchen, and know if she was here I'd do so much more than kiss her. I'd give her anything she asked for... But she isn't here, and annoyance prickles at the back of my neck. I groan and feel the light she so easily provides me fade, like it always does when she leaves.
I can't help but feel a small piece of anger rise in me at the thought of Luke overpowering Rey. My blind relief and rationality over their encounter fades when it hits me that he hurt her. Granted it wasn't intentional and in the moment I was okay with it, because it wasn't Kylo, but now I feel less forgiving.
**
Another hour ticks by and as I stand off the couch – where I had been brooding – to retire to the bedroom I remember what I promised Poe earlier this morning.
I rush from the bedroom grabbing my hand-me-down leather jacket and slip it over my infirmary uniform and rush to the dining hall.
**
Poe and I are in the dining hall eating our stew in relative silence. I keep swirling my spoon around starring deep into the dark soup, my mind elsewhere, but where exactly I cannot say. I hadn't realised Poe had been asking for my attention until he waves his hand in front of my face.
"I have felt blizzards warmer than your attitude. What's wrong?"
I open my mouth to respond but I close it again, not sure how to express my feelings.
"Missing your girl?"
I look up from my bowl and across the table to where Poe sits in his usual spot.
Today the General had some of the construction team saw the section of the bench that Poe had unofficially claimed years ago, so that he can now wheel his chair into its slot. It really is his place now, no one else can sit there unless they bring their own chair. I have to get accustomed to looking a lot lower than I am used to though.
Poe gazes back me with curiosity. He squints his eyes, "This is about Luke isn't it?"
I sigh, and I don't deny it.
"Rey isn't going to leave you for that old codger," not even his laugh makes me smile.
"She already did," I mutter and look down, continuing to stir my stew.
"What do you mean?"
"She's not here, is she..." I mumble, I keep our commcall private, knowing the minute I open my mouth to explain why I'm really angry Poe will just laugh and tell me I'm being ridiculous and that Luke didn't mean to hurt her.
"Finn," I look up again and see him with one raised eyebrow. "Rey is new to the whole 'Jedi' thing, she has someone who can teach her and help her..."
If he is trying to make me feel comforted he is indeed doing quite the opposite. "I know, but..."
Poe shakes his head "I wasn't finished," I flicker my eyes down for a moment and place the spoon in my mouth, gulping down some of the barely warm stew before looking back up. "Rey's fate was always intertwined with Luke's. But it was something more than destiny that binds the two of you. Rey loves you, utterly and completely – that was beyond obvious from the moment she came rushing back when she found out you were awake – I'm sure it is tearing her up being apart from you too." I am not sure how to respond. I can't help but smile and let the acceptance that he is right settle in, "That's better," he adds quietly. I watch as he sighs before resting his head on his hand, then I look down at my unappealing stew.