"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy," Tyler quietly says, patting my cheek. I slowly pry open my heavy eyelids and find my 2-year-old's gloomy bluish-gray eyes looking at me expectantly.
"What is it, buddy?" I whisper, sleep still thick in my gravelly voice. I glance at the alarm clock on Tobias' nightstand and see that it's not quite 5 a.m., and I groan inwardly.
"I had bad dweam," he whines, a deep-set frown on his little face. "Sleep with you. Peas!" Oh, my poor boy.
"Of course," I say, lifting the new lightweight sky blue blanket. It's too hot for the quilt this time of year. "Come here." He scales the side of the bed and snuggles into my chest. I smooth the blanket around us and hold him close, kissing his head comfortingly. "Mommy loves you. Go back to sleep, my big boy. You're safe now." It doesn't take Tyler long to fall back to sleep. I gently caress his hair and stare into his now peacefully slumbering face. It's such a miracle that he looks like Tobias instead of Ethan, not that that would have made me love him any less. I glide my fingertips down his cheek and wonder what haunts his dreams. I've tried to get answers before but he thankfully doesn't remember any details. He just wakes up feeling scared and comes seeking comfort from me or Tobias. Thank, God, the nightmares don't happen very often or it would kill me.
I try to go back to sleep but my mind drifts to all the things we have to do over the next couple days. I'm sure we'll have a great time at the Candor or Dauntless party tonight … if we make it. We have Evelyn's memorial and the scattering of her ashes at the Navy Pier later today. Tobias has been pretty apathetic about it but I think he's just hiding his pain. If it's too emotional for him, we'll just have to bow out of the party. The kids are spending the night with Mom and Dad again tonight so we have to drive to Abnegation, and then Tobias and I are meeting up with Caleb, Cara, Mom, Dad, and the kids at the park tomorrow for a barbeque and family time. It's going to be the last time we can really get together and spend some quality time before initiation starts on Monday.
I hear Tessa's peaceful cooing turn into fussing over the baby monitor and gently move Tyler until he is snuggled up against his father. I drape Tobias' arm protectively over his son and kiss both their slumbering faces. I manage to get out of bed without waking either of them and go into the nursery. I pick Tessa up, and she's wet through her diaper and sleeper and soaked the sheet.
"Did you have a bad night, little one? I'm surprised you're not screaming your head off," I say as I strip her out of her soiled sleeper and dirty diaper. I wash her with wipes and put a clean diaper on then sit us the rocking chair. She immediately lets me know that she's hungry so I put her to my breast. "I love you, Tessa Beatrice. Eat, my beautiful baby girl. I sure am sorry that I fell asleep while I was feeding you last night. Mommy was physically and emotionally drained but you got to spend some quality time with Daddy. I bet you both liked that." She watches me as she nurses, never taking her eyes off mine. I smile and talk to her the entire time, occasionally stroking her soft curls. There have been times over the past 11 weeks that I wondered if she knows who I am but I'm now confident in our bond. She knows I'm her mommy. "Mommy and Daddy are going to say goodbye to Mommy Evelyn today. I may not have always gotten along with her very well but I'll always be grateful to her because she gave me three of the most precious gifts. She gave me your daddy, Tyler, and you." Movement catches my eye, and I look up to find Tobias leaning against the doorjamb, a look of strong love in his bright eyes.
"Good morning," he says.
"Good morning," I reply.
"There's a stowaway in our bed," he says with a smile, and I chuckle.
"He had a bad dream so I let him in bed just before 5 a.m. this morning. He fell back to sleep rather quickly after we cuddled for a bit," I say. "Hey, will you change the crib sheets for me please? She was soaked when I picked her up." He saunters across the small room and strips the mattress. He looks around and sighs. "What?"
"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about but I've never known how to broach the subject," he says. This makes me nervous.
"What is it?" I ask. Apprehension rolls over me, making me dread what he wants to talk about. He puts the sheet in the hamper and kneels down in front of me.
"I think we need to look at getting a bigger apartment," he slowly says. My mouth pops open in surprise. "We're quickly growing out of this place, Tris. Obviously Peanut will sleep in our room for a while after she's born like Tessa did but then where do we put her? There's no way that two cribs are going to fit in here. Tyler's room is the exact same size so switching them will do no good. And what if we want another child at some point in time? Where would they sleep? I know bunk beds are an option once they get older but I think we should look for a bigger place." I can tell that he's incredibly nervous about broaching this subject. I look around the room and know exactly what he means. I've had the exact same thoughts but dismissed them as quickly as they entered my mind. This is our home. How could we leave?
"I've had the same thought about needing more space," I sigh. "I hate the idea of leaving though, Tobias. This is our home. So much has happened here." I reminisce about the first time I walked through the door. I immediately knew I was home, felt it in my heart. I'm sure no other place will feel like that.
"I think we should at least check out apartment 15 before we dismiss the idea all together," he says. "Maybe we can look at it before the party."
"Okay," I say. "Looking won't hurt." He kisses Tessa's head then gives me a soft, swift kiss before getting a clean crib sheet out of the dresser. "Thanks for doing that for me."
"She's my little mess maker, too," he says with a grin.
"I love you, Tobias Eaton," I say. "Are you ready for today?" He takes a deep breath then blows it out hastily. I see doubt and confusion in his eyes. "It doesn't matter what she did, she was your mother. On some level you loved her, and it's okay to grieve." He closes his eyes and for a split second I see the lost little boy standing in his father's house staring hopelessly out the window, and my heart aches for him. "I'm here for you. Whatever you need. You know that." He opens his eyes and gazes at me with a deep look of love.
"I better start breakfast," he says, shaking off the melancholy. "Are you close to being finished?"
"She's slowing down," I say. "Do you think I feed her too much? She's getting kind of chubby."
"She's not chubby. I think she's beautiful just like her mommy," he says leaning down and tenderly kissing me once again. "How do pancakes, eggs, and sausage sound?"
"You're reading my mind, Mr. Eaton," I say, my mouth watering at the thought of food. "I'm so hungry this morning."
"I'll get on it but first I'll check on the stowaway." Within a minute I hear little feet on the hardwood floors and know Tyler is awake. They must make a detour to the bathroom first because I hear the toilet flush.
"Hi, Mommy," Tyler says as he walks into the room. He comes to the rocking chair, rests his chin on his hands, and looks up at Tessa. "Hi, Tess. You eatin'?" My sweet boy sure does loves his sister.
"Yes, she's almost done," I say ruffling his hair. "Why don't you go downstairs with Daddy? He's going to make pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage." His eyes light up at the mention of food and turns to catch up with his dad. "Are you about done, little one? Mommy has to use the bathroom." She releases my breast and laughs out loud. "Are you laughing at me? Am I that funny?" I try to latch her back onto my nipple but she's obviously full now. I put her in her freshly made crib after she burps and run to the bathroom. I take a two minute shower after reliving myself and dress in the simple black sleeveless swing maternity dress I hung behind the door last night. I go back into Tessa's room, and she rolls over and smiles up at me, cooing contentedly the entire time. "You are quite the talented little girl, aren't you, happy baby?"
I carry Tessa downstairs and sit down at the island with her on my lap. She relaxes into my embrace and puts her hand on my tummy. Peanut has been very active this morning and picks the exact same moment to kick where Tessa's hand is resting. At first she seems startled by the movement then she starts laughing … loudly. Every time she puts her hand down the baby kicks making her laugh again. It's like they're playing a fun little game. Tyler takes notice and wants to feel his little sister moving in my tummy so I turn my body and put his hand where she's been kicking, and she immediately stops moving. He frowns at me. After another minute, I move his hand down a little bit and to the right and his eyes light up, and he grins from ear-to-ear.
"Baby moving," he excitedly says with wonder in his voice.
"I know," I say. "She's been practicing her kickboxing moves all morning!"
"I love you, baby," he says as he leans over and kisses my belly where his hand just was. I lean over and kiss the top of his head. Oh, how I love my family.
"Breakfast is served," Tobias says as he puts one plate in front of me and another in front of Tyler. He takes Tessa out of my arms and puts her in her swing so that I'm free to eat. Everything's so good as usual. He's such a wonderful cook. We're very lucky.
After we finish breakfast, Tyler plays with his trucks at the base of the stairs and Tobias cleans up the kitchen while I give Tessa another bath. She just had one last night but with how wet everything was in her crib this morning it just seems like the right thing to do. She's all smiles throughout her bath then I dress her in a new outfit I bought earlier this week during a free moment. She's growing like a weed and a lot of her clothes no longer fit. The white peasant dress with a pink and black floral design on the front, lightweight black denim diaper cover with ruffled leg openings, and black patent leather Mary Jane's with little heart cutouts is one of the cutest outfits I've bought for her, and when I put her hair into two little ponytails on top of her head with black Velcro bows, she looks absolutely adorable. I cuddle her close kissing her everywhere, her head, cheeks, tummy, arms, and she starts laughing again.
"I'm glad to hear her good mood has been restored," Tobias says. He must be remembering her crankiness from earlier this week. "No offense to your parents but I hope she comes home happier this time."
"It's only overnight instead of an extended weekend," I say. "She probably just missed us. I'm sure she'll be fine this time." I turn around and am dazzled by my husband in his black and dark gray various-sized-stripped fitted crewneck t-shirt, snug-fitting black jean, and black faux alligator ankle boots. I drag my eyes from the top of his head to the tip of his boots and back again. Damn he looks good. "You take Tessa, and I'll finish getting ready." He smiles at me and takes Tessa from my arms. He puts his mouth on mine and gives me an explicit I-know-what-you-were-just-thinking kiss.
"Can't wait for later," he says leaving me breathless and wanting, then he turns his attention to Tessa who is smiling up at him. "Aren't you the cutest little thing ever? I could just eat you up. Mommy did a good job with this outfit, Pebbles, and I love your ponytails." I gaze at them for a while, watching my husband talk with our daughter who is laughing at him. What a difference a year makes. I step over Tyler and make my way up the stairs to finish getting ready. I put on light makeup and style my hair before deciding which shoes I want to wear today. I finally decide on my basic black ballet flats that go with anything after trying on several pairs. Heels looked nice also but I want to be comfortable today. Well as comfortable as I can be at a memorial service for someone I despised, surrounded by several factionless. I put my charm bracelet on then think twice about it. I wouldn't want anything to happen to it so the only jewelry I have on is my engagement and wedding rings. I check myself one final time in the full-length mirror then go into Tyler's room. I pick out a new black, dark gray, and white striped polo shirt, black denim shorts, and black boat shoes for him to wear to Grandma and Grandpa's. I call out for him to come upstairs. First, I give him a bath and then help him get dressed.
"You look very handsome, Tyler," I say as I comb his damp hair. "Are you excited to spend the night with Grandma and Grandpa?" He nods his head animatedly. "Remember the rules?"
"No wun in the house," he says. "Be good boy."
"Very good, buddy," I say, thoughtlessly picking him up. I feel a strain in my lower back muscles and immediately put him down. I sit down in his rocking chair, and the relief I feel is instantaneous. "Can you do something for me?" He bobs his head up and down. "Will you come sit on my lap? I want to talk to you." He hesitates for a split second then comes over and climbs up onto my lap with a little help from me. He wraps his arms around me, and I hug him close. I've missed this, just him and me in his quiet room. We rock in comfortable silence. Lately, he only wants to snuggle like this when he's really tired or has gotten into trouble so this is a real treat. After a long silence, I pull him away from me and he looks up into my eyes. "I need to talk to you about something," I remind him.
"I in twouble 'gain," he pouts.
"Not at all," I say. "It's about Mommy and the baby." I run my hand over my abdomen to emphasize which baby I'm talking about. "I'm afraid that I can't carry you around anymore until after she's born." He frowns at this news.
"Why?" he asks pouting, his feelings obviously hurt.
"You're getting to be such a big boy. It's hard for me to carry you with the baby growing in my tummy," I say peppering his head with kisses. "Mommy's back really hurts her when she lifts you."
"You have an ouchie?" he asks, so serious. I love that he loves me but I don't need my 2-year-old needlessly worrying about me.
"Yeah, I do," I say. "But it doesn't hurt as bad if I hold your hand and walk with you instead of carry you."
"I like you cawwy me," he says, moping.
"I know you do, buddy, and I love it too but we can snuggle anytime you want. Mommy can't carry you until after your sister is born. Okay?" He lunges at me, accidentally kneeing me hard in the stomach.
"Be careful with Mommy," I say rubbing where his knee painfully connected. Little tears well up in his eyes and his bottom lip starts to quiver.
"I huwt baby?" he asks.
"Hey, hey, buddy. No, no! Oh, please don't cry," I say wiping away his escaping tears. "You didn't mean to hurt Mommy. It was just an accident. I know that but you need to be careful of your little sister in here."
"I sowwy," he mumbles, holding onto me for dear life. I hold him as he cuddles lovingly with me, neither of us saying a word, both of us drinking in the moment.
"We have to be going," Tobias quietly says from the doorway.
"Okay," I say. He eyes us suspiciously. "Is everything alright in here?"
"Everything is fine," I say. I help Tyler off my lap and slowly get up.
"Everything is not fine. What's wrong?"
"I had to explain to Tyler that I can't lift him or carry him until after Peanut is born," I say. "I picked him up, I felt a sharp pain, and my back really started hurting. Sitting down helped. I think I'll have to go to the salon for a spa day. I really need a massage."
"I could do that for you," he says as he buckles Tessa into her carrier.
"I'll probably take you up on your offer sometime but I can lie flat on this special table at the salon," I say. "It's divine. I didn't know I would miss lying on my tummy but I do."
"Was he okay with your announcement?" he asks as we walk to the garage, him hauling Tessa in her seat, all coos and laughter and Tyler walking contentedly between us, happily holding my hand.
"He wasn't happy at first. I think he feels a bit left out. I see how he looks when I pick up Tessa. But when I told him my back hurts, he became very concerned and asked if I had an ouchie," I quietly say with a smile.
"He'll be fine," he says. "He looked pretty darn happy snuggling with you as you rocked him."
"I need to put him to bed more often and rock him while I read him a story or something," I say. "Maybe I should let you start giving Tessa a bottle before bed once in a while. You look a little left out yourself when I'm tending to her needs." We buckle both the kids into their car seats and head toward Abnegation. This trip has become so routine, I imagine I could drive it myself with my eyes closed.
"I'm not jealous of what you have with our daughter," he says. "But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want that closeness you have with her."
"I do 99% of her feedings, Tobias," I say. "Of course, we've bonded but I've watched her with you. You have nothing to worry about. She's going to be a Daddy's girl."
"And Tyler's already a Mommy's boy," he says.
"Mommy's big boy," Tyler states quite emphatically. Oops! We need to watch our conversations if little ears are listening to us.
"That's right, buddy," I say, turning to give him a big smile. "I love you."
"Love you," he says, then goes back to his numbers picture book. I meet Tobias' amused gaze, and we both laugh lightly. After another 15 minutes, we pull up in front of my parent's place and get the kids out of the car. My father greets us before we even make it to the door and helps by getting the diaper bag and travel sleeper out of the trunk.
"Hi, Mom," I say as we come in the front door.
"Good morning, Beatrice," she says before giving me a hug. "Hello, Tyler. Give Grandma a hug." She picks him up and gives him a huge bear hug, which he happily returns full force. "I know I only saw you six days ago but I think you've grown."
"Mommy can't cawwy me," he says, pouting. Mom looks my way with curiosity in her eyes.
"It hurts my back when I lift him," I say. I hear the sadness in my own voice.
"Mommy has ouchie," he says holding his arms out toward me. I reluctantly take a step closer to him, but he only wants to he give me a sloppy, wet kiss right on my mouth. Those really are the best kind.
"Do you have any acetaminophen?" I ask my mom.
"I sure do," she says putting Tyler down. "I'll get you some. Please make yourselves at home."
"Tris, love, I think Tessa's hungry again," Tobias says, holding a very crabby Tessa in his arms. I look at the clock.
"Already?" He brings her into the living room and hands her to me. She's really fussy, trying to shove her entire fist down her throat, and now that she's in my arms, repeatedly turning toward my chest. Hhm? This dress is definitely not made for nursing.
"I'll get her a bottle," he says sensing my dilemma.
"Wait a minute," I say as Mom comes back into the room bringing me two caplets and a glass of water.
"Thank you," I say. "Four, do I have time to nurse her?" Tobias looks at the clock and nods. "Mom, can I use a bedroom upstairs?"
"Of course," she says. "Caleb's old room has a rocking chair in it."
"Thanks," I say. "We'll go as soon as she's finished, Four." I carry her up the creaky stairs to my brother's old room, happy, contented memories of my childhood flooding back. When I open the door, I halt in my tracks. Gone is his simple gray desk replaced by a small plain pine bookcase with a few games, a puzzle or two, and a smattering of gently used toys. This is so unexpected and very un-Abnegation-like. I lie Tessa in the middle of the twin size bed and never taking my eyes off of her, lift my dress off over my head. I lay it on the bed making sure it gets no wrinkles then pick up Tessa who thankfully never moved from the center of the bed. I sit in the rocker, lower my nursing bra, and put her to my breast. She starts suckling greedily like she's never eaten before. My poor hungry little one. She must not have gotten enough earlier. I hope no one comes in while I'm partially nude, nursing my daughter. That would be embarrassing. I think about getting a blanket out of her diaper bag but remember I left it downstairs. Oh well. I gently rock us as she nurses. She falls asleep after 15 minutes. I put her to my shoulder and pat her back trying to get her to burp, and finally after five minutes she lets out a burp that would make Purple-Hair and Snake-Tattoo blush. I lightly pinch her little cheek like Isobel taught me to do when she was newly born to wake her, and she easily latches onto my other nipple but has trouble staying awake. "Do you want to eat or sleep?" I pinch her cheek again after about five minutes but she's down for the count. I fix my bra and try to get another burp out of her but it's hopeless, she's out like a light. I lie her down on the bed, put my dress back on, and pick her back up. I watch as she desperately suckles at the air as I walk downstairs, wondering what she's dreaming about. I hope she's still not hungry.
"Is everything okay?" Tobias asks when I enter the living room.
"Yeah," I say. "Mom, if she's hungry when she wakes up from her nap, you can give her a couple ounces. She had trouble staying awake." I hand Tessa over to my mom after I lovingly kiss her sleeping face. After I hug and kiss Tyler and tell Mom and Dad goodbye, Tobias and I head to the Navy Pier. I can tell that he's nervous about this informal get together but he needs to say a proper goodbye to his mother. He wasn't ready in April when the factionless held her funeral but he needs closure.
We closed down the Navy Pier this morning so we don't have to contend with a lot of strangers. It's Tobias' intention to sprinkle half her ashes at the carrousel today and the remainder at the train yard with Tyler when he gets older. I thought that was a kind gesture; one day Tyler will want to honor his birth mother. We pull into the small gravel lot across from the Pier and park the car. Ours is the only one in the lot. When I meet Tobias at the back of the car, I feel anxiety pouring off of him in waves. I wrap my arms around him, resting my head against his chest, and he immediately wraps me up in a warm embrace. After a quiet moment I look up at him.
"I love you," I simply state as I stare into his wistful, uncertain eyes. "Anything you need, anything at all, I'm here for you … today, tomorrow, forever." He releases his hold on my body and cradles my face between his hands. I tilt my chin up, and he immediately finds my seeking lips with his. Our kiss is searching, profound, adoring. I experience all the love he feels for me in this instant pouring into this kiss. He leaves me breathless and stares down into my eyes while caressing my cheeks lovingly with his thumbs.
"I love you," he softly says before his mouth finds mine once more for a slow, tender kiss. "Thank you. I think I'm ready now." He removes the small box that holds half of Evelyn's remains from the trunk, and we walk hand-in-hand to the carrousel where the small group of people we are meeting were told to be waiting for us. When we come around the corner, people are gathered around two men dressed in gray standing with their chests puffed out like game cocks, staring each other down. The tension is palpable.
"Marcus, Ethan? What are you doing here?" Tobias asks, dramatically changing into Four right before my eyes.