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I am so sorry for my unexplained absence, I had some major assessments and exams and just hadn't found time to edit, but guess what? I should be back to regular updates now, I have missed updating, Thank you, and I hope you still support this fanfiction. I love you.
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Poe pulls his lips into a tight smile. "You done?" He asks and I look down to see both my hands are in my lap and I'm sitting away from my bowl. I nod and pass it into his outstretched hand. He wheels over to the conveyor belt and places it on so they will be taken into the kitchen and cleaned.
"Come on," I offer and stand up as he wheels back over to me. He spins around and rolls alongside me, weaving through the people crowding inside as we exit the hall. I grab hold of the handles and push him down the corridors towards the housing unit.
"How was work today?" His voice echoes slightly in the empty halls; we left the dining hall quite early therefore it was still busy in there.
"Started slow," I watch his wavy hair shine under the lights as he nods. I chose to not burden him with more talk of Rey. "Do you know Zarah?"
"I trained her as a rookie for a few weeks. Why?"
"Oh," my surprise is genuine, "I was just curious, she seems very quiet."
"She is, she slipped under my radar."
"Why didn't she complete the program?"
"I'm not sure. One day we did a dogfight simulation and she quietly pulled me aside and told me she couldn't do it. That was a few months ago, then I woke up and saw her working around the infirmary. I guess she found another calling."
"Hmm," I agree and nod even though Poe can't see.
"Why are you asking?" He turns around slightly to look over the back of the chair and in my general direction.
"No reason, she just gave me a suggestion that's all."
"That was kind of her."
"Very. I think I'm doing to listen to her," Poe smiles and turns back around. I push him in silence the rest of the way to the door, and key in the code.
"I'm going to have a shower, make yourself at home," Poe nods and places his bag onto the floor.
"Want me to put that in your room?" I offer.
"My room..." He trails off.
"Yeah, it might as well be yours when you stay here," Poe grins and picks up the bag and passes it to me.
"Thank you," his voice is quiet but his smile is huge.
"Not a problem." I call as I walk down the hall, carefully chucking the bag in the share room as I pass it on my way to the ensuite.
The shower washes away the day, the memory of Rey's pain and the medication that still causes my eyes to blink slowly. I rub some sweet smelling soaps into my skin, feeling the unravelling tie of belonging tighten itself again.
My hands tighten the faucets and the splattering water shuts off. As I open the shower door the sound of screeching and an eruption of sound echoes around the entire house. Penetrating the walls and my initial confused shock morphs into a sickening worry.
"Poe?" There is no response to my loud shout. I roughly run the towel over my wet skin. Droplets of water cause my undergarments to awkwardly stick to the curves of my body, and the ben shorts itch when I shove my legs in them. I shake out my hair the best I can before I rush from the ensuite, the door still swinging on its hinges by the time I reach the bedroom door. I pace down the hallway quickly, my heart beat pounding in my ears. Too many thoughts and scenarios flood through my mind and most of them include Kylo Ren for no logical reason. So I am calmed when I walk out and don't see his looming figure, but I'm devastated by the sight I am so ungraciously welcomed to.
Poe is on the floor of the kitchen one of the cupboards is wide open and his wheelchair has tipped. As I step closer into the kitchen I see the way Poe is twisted, and crumpled on the floor, but he makes no attempt to push himself up.
"Poe," my lip shakes at the sight of him, and I take a few steps towards his bent body.
Without looking at me he shouts, "Don't!"
"But..."
"Finn, just leave me."
I disobey his order and walk into the kitchen. I sit down on the tiled floor and lean against a cabinet, my knees brought to my chest.
"Are you okay?" I ask tentatively.
"I'm fine!" He snaps again and his tone chips and my heart.
"Did you hurt yourself?" His eyes lock with mine and they blaze with anger.
"There's not much more I can do to hurt myself, is there?" I stay silent, my heart aches and my stomach churns. Without warning he starts to sob, twisting his face to the floor to try and muffle the sound. But it's loud and unforgiving; his entire body shakes with the effort.
I silently start to inch closer to him until I'm cross-legged by his side. With apprehension I slowly extend my hand and rest it on his shoulder, I rub small circles which become larger and more comforting when he doesn't reject me. Soon I have my pulled him up and into me, he apprehensively wraps his arms around me, and I tighten my hold on him. He's finally broke his facade and I think it's more than just accidently toppling over that caused it.
I close my eyes when I realise just how hard it must be for him, and I'm selfishly grateful I'm here to help him through it. Rey was right I do need to be here for him.
I keep rubbing circles into his back and I don't say anything. I wait patiently until his harsh breathing slows and he awkwardly tries to move away from me. I lean forward and grasp the wheel of his chair and turn it upright with one hand while I keep Poe supported against me with my other.
"I'm s-" I shake my head and cut him off.
"Don't. Now let me help you," he closes his eyes and huffs. I carefully support him and stand him up the best I can. His legs are limp and unresponsive as I awkwardly manoeuvre him and place him in the chair. I kneel in front of him, my hands on his thighs.
"Look at me," I plead, and he does, he opens his eyes and they're bloodshot and teary.
I take a deep breath. Poe is the strong one and it is almost too hard for me try and hold him together. I don't know how to make it better.
"I can't do it anymore," his voice is barely a whisper.
"Do what?" I ask looking at the way his hands grip the arms of the chair so tightly his knuckles are turning a sickening white.
"All of it... live like this, I can't even open that damn cupboard without making a mess. I'm a mess and I can't fix it."
"Don't say that, you can do this. Your rehab must be helping, it'll just take time," my optimistic smile fades when Poe's water eyes brim with bitter tears.
"No, Finn, obviously it isn't helping, can't you see?" I shake my head.
"See what?"
"None of it is working. I can take a single step, and everyone knows it is useless. They cut out the damn bench for me!" He takes a deep breath, trying to control his anger. "Everyone knows: there is no point trying anymore..."
"There are so many reasons to keep trying, you can't give up." I try and encourage him; I shuffle a bit closer to his chair, take my hands of his legs and grasp his forearms.
"Give me one reason..." He doesn't meet my eye any longer.
"Can I be selfish and ask you to do it for me?" He closes his eyes and sighs. "Do it to prove them all wrong, Poe, do it for yourself!"
"Finn, really there is nothing they can do." his tone has switched from one of anger to one of convincing severity.
"There must be," I refuse to believe that there is no other treatment.
"I tried, I am trying, and nothing has worked. I have tried all their methods," I squeeze his forearms my eyes betraying me and tears prick my eyes as well. Poe takes his arm out of my grip and rests his hand on my shoulder, gripping tightly.
"Be strong, please..." I take a deep breath and nod. I stand up and he watches as I do so. "It isn't all bad, everyone gives me special treatment," he lightens the mood and snort a small laugh.
"I ask them for something and invariably it ends up in my hands a moment later," I chuckle.
"I'm okay, really."
"It doesn't seem like it…" I trail off, Poe wheels himself out of the kitchen.
"I just needed a bit of a cry, don't think I've gone all soft on you," I can hear the grin in his voice, and before I can respond he changes the subject. "So, when does Rey come back?"
I shrug, "A week or so," Poe nods.
"Will you make it?" Poe asks.
"Yeah," I groan and breathe a light-hearted laugh.
"So, do you need anything?" I look up at the open cupboard.
"No it's okay," I nod, whatever he was after to cause his fall must no longer be wanted. "I just wanted to see if I could reach it," he adds.
We stay up for a while longer, he asks how the pilots and soldiers are faring in rehab, and I tell him about joining the negotiation team.
Poe tells me, that he will continue to take his medication, but knows rehab is a waste of everyone's time, so he will resign from the program.
"We need to get you back in the air, Poe," this captures Poe's attention and his intense eyes focus on mine.
"I think I need to focus on teaching the new recruits the ropes, get them in the air."
"What about you?"
"Maybe one day I'll be able to find a fly to fly again. I need something else to focus on, something that won't frustrate me."
"We'll figure it out," I yawn, my mind still slightly foggy, my eyes weighed down.
We decide to get some sleep, so I help him get ready for bed, and tuck him in nice and tight. "Thanks, dad," he mumbles with a glint of humour in his eye.
"Sweet dreams, Dameron," I scoff.
"Goodnight, Finn," he calls as I leave the room and switch off the hallway light before heading to sleep myself.