Part III

Chapter I

40 ABY, Jedi Temple, Coruscant

00:00:03 hours

Luke Skywalker woke, startled. He glanced at his bedside chrono and saw that it was three seconds past midnight. He'd been having a nightmare about his nephew, Jacen Solo. He hadn't witnessed his wife's murder but in his nightmare he saw Jacen strike Mara across the face and Mara had retaliated in kind. Then Jacen had shot poison darts into her and she sank to the ground, whispering "Luke will crush you." Luke got out of bed and began to pace. He wrapped a blanket around himself because he'd awoken in a cold sweat, and now he was beginning to shiver. He ran a hand through his damp hair and walked to his kitchen to make himself hot chocolate. His insides still felt torn to shreds, but his anger and sadness was controlled now.

After Luke had recovered enough from his fight with the dark side enough to stand up, he had done so, and then he'd walked to the young apprentices who had witnessed his near fall. He touched the zeltron girl and the human boy on their shoulders and said, "I am sorry you had to see me like this. I hope you will not fear me. I am okay now." The apprentices had bowed respectfully, though the girl hadn't been able to contain her relief and joy so she'd also given him a quick hug and then run off out of embarrassment for doing so. Luke took a sip of his drink and let it warm him, and he smiled at the thought of the girl. He liked that she hadn't let fear of breaking protocol get in the way of that hug. Luke wasn't exactly a sap, but after today, or rather, yesterday, he needed as many signs of affection as he could get.

He was getting those signs of affection in the form of kind words by way of multiple inquiries into his mental state. His sister and niece had felt him almost fall to the dark side from clear across the galaxy, and apparently almost every other Jedi in the galaxy had felt it too because his comm had been in transmission overload for most of the day. He finally had to give it to Ben with the instructions that he tell whichever Jedi who called that he'd had a brush with the dark side because of the death of his wife, but that he had not fallen and he was recovering. No mention about Jacen being his wife's murderer was to be made. He wanted to take a moment to figure out what to do before this became public knowledge, and he wanted to tell Leia, Han, and Jaina in person.

After Luke had assured Kyp and the other Jedi at the temple that he was okay, he had made his way quietly to his quarters. His friends Kam and Tionne, along with Ben, had accompanied him. He'd been weak from fighting the dark side and he'd had to lean on Ben and Kam for support just to make it to his room. On the way, Tionne had taken the opportunity to tell him that this surely would not be the end of his anger toward his nephew and so he might want to consider talking to someone on a regular basis about this and about his Blast Shock, and then also help himself work through his feelings on his own by painting, writing poetry, or keeping a journal of some sort. Luke had scoffed at the idea of doing art, naturally, because he'd never done any sort of art before. There hadn't been time when he was a moisture farmer or a starfighter jock or a Jedi, and so he'd never developed the skill. "That, my friend," Tionne had said, "is precisely the point. This was not your only trial. Feelings of revenge and murderous thoughts will haunt you again whenever you think about what Jacen did to Mara. You need to shock your brain by doing something you'd ordinarily never do. This is on top of you continuing to meditate and, of course, reaching out to us anytime you need to talk."

"Well," Luke had considered, "you may be right, Tionne. After all, it was art in the form of a song that snapped me out of it. Your voice saved my life."

"My voice, your wife's sentiments." She'd replied with a smile.

"I still can't believe she recorded a holocron of it."

They had reached Luke's door. "She wanted to show the future Jedi of your order that emotions were not bad – that love was what gave a Jedi her strength. Having love for a single special person and also love for all the beings of the galaxy is how we stay pure while we wield such great power. It is what reminds us to stay on the side of the Light, even when other emotions such as anger and hatred threaten to destroy us."

"How did you get to be so wise, my friend?" Luke had asked the white-haired woman.

"You taught me." Tionne had said with a gentle smile. "And, though these particular words are mine, the sentiments are Mara's. She loved you, Luke, and she loved the Light in you."

Luke had squeezed Tionne's shoulder and nodded. The he'd turned to Kam, who was looking down at the floor. "Kam," Luke said quietly, "please look at me."

Kam had started to choke up but he did as he was asked. "Luke…"

"You did nothing wrong, y – "

"I almost killed you!" Kam looked down at the floor in shame again. "I gave up on you, Luke. I let you give up on yourself. Why did I do that?"

"Kam, you are one of my oldest and dearest friends. One of the things I respect about you is your wisdom and your ability to do what is right. You were doing what was right because you were respecting my wishes. I was too far gone, Kam. In that moment, barring Mara making an appearance herself, no one else but Tionne could have saved me because she was the only one other than Mara that knew that song." Luke glanced at Ben and winced, "Not even my son could have saved me in that moment."

"But Luke – "

"No, Kam. I mean it, if Tionne hadn't started singing, and if you'd tried to save me by sparing my life, I wouldn't have been able to hold on. I would have been lost. And," he sucked in a breath and shuddered, "I might have killed you all. I'd have killed Jacen but I might have become something worse than even he is. My father's fall to the dark side has haunted me all my life because I've always been afraid that I might turn one day too. Well today I came face to face with that ghost, and I'd not have survived if not for you and Tionne." Luke took his friend's hand between his own two hands and sent feelings of warmth and gratitude through the Force.

Kam had picked up his head, gave a smile, and then turned to his wife. "Let's let Master Skywalker rest, yes?"

Tionne had nodded to her husband and gave Luke and his son one last wave. "Remember what I said, Luke. And give poetry or painting a try – you might surprise yourself with how much it helps."

Luke propped his chin up on his hand as he sat at his kitchen table, and he felt a wave of appreciation flood him. He took another sip of his hot chocolate as he remembered how much his friends and family loved him. I don't deserve them, not by a long shot. He looked over at his son sleeping on the couch in the main room of his quarters. After the Solusars had left, Ben had insisted on staying with Luke. He'd helped Luke to his bed and told him that he would stay just in the main room, and if he needed anything to ask. Now, over 12 hours later he was awake and well-rested. But he was still a mess. Luke thought of his family again and how much he loved them. Ben, his beloved son: Luke felt horrible that his son had to witness him almost fall to the dark side. Luke knew more than anyone that no son should have to see their father like that. He just hoped he hadn't scarred his son for life. Then there was his sweet yet fiery sister – forever a princess in his mind. And her loveable scoundrel of a husband, Han. And their daughter – the deadly and honorable Jaina. Luke was so proud of her.

Inevitably, this line of thought drew him to the unpleasant member of his family. Luke grimaced into his hot chocolate. Jacen. Luke felt the anger and hatred rise in him again. He glanced in the direction of his bedroom and remembered the hole in the wall he'd made with his fist. He ran through a series of Jedi breathing exercises. It helped, but not much. Okay Tionne, I'll give it a try.

Luke took out a piece of flimsi and then held an ink pen above the page. He focused on his breathing – In and out, Luke. In and out – and thought about his wife. He began to write as he remembered with a wry laugh how they'd first met: From wanting to kill me to marrying me, eh Jade. Then the thought: Mara's dead. Jacen killed her. The pain cut deep and the anger rose. Luke made himself try to remember who his nephew had been as a child. A quiet, inquisitive boy. The compassionate one with a heart for animals. Luke remembered how he and Mara had danced around each other for years. Such wasted time! He could have been with her for longer had they just been honest with each other about their feelings. Then we finally got together and we had our time cut short by Jacen. Luke seethed at the thought. What happened to you, Jacen? How could you be so arrogant as to think you could dabble in the dark and yet do the right thing? Luke's memories of Mara came in flashes: Luke heard himself call her "sweetheart". Then she was lying in his arms crying softly. Next, he saw her beautiful pregnant form when she was carrying their son. In and out, Luke. In and out. Luke's flashes of Jacen intermingled with the good memories and threatened to choke him. He thought of Jacen poisoning Mara with a dart. She must have known right away that that was it for her. Were you scared, my love? And finally he considered the question that tore him apart every time he thought of it. Why did you go alone? Why didn't you let me help you? Luke's breath caught in his throat as he realized the answer. His tears spilled onto the flimsi and smeared some of the ink. He could still read what he had written though. Well, I won't be winning a poetry prize anytime soon. But Tionne had been correct – the writing had been cathartic.

"Dad?" Ben asked sleepily from the couch. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, son, I'm okay. Join me on the balcony in a minute?"

"Sure, dad."

Luke walked out onto his balcony with the piece of flimsi in his hand. Part of him wanted to share it with his son, but the other part of him was embarrassed because he didn't know if it was any good or not.

"What do you have there, dad?" Ben made his way to the balcony and motioned to the flimsi in his father's hand.

"Uh… well… it's a poem. A poem I wrote. I thought I'd try what Tionne suggested." Luke wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He was still sad, but his tears were stopping. His anger was getting under control again.

"Can I read it?"

"Umm…"

"It's okay, you don't have to show me if you don't want to."

"No, I want to. You've certainly earned the right to see inside my head, haven't you." Luke sighed and looked his son in the eyes. "I'm sorry, Ben. I'm sorry for disappointing you by giving up."

Ben crossed his arms and looked out at the city lights. He shivered. "It's a little cold out here."

"Yeah, it's definitely chilly. I don't miss Tatooine but I hate being cold. That was one thing I didn't have to worry about there."

Ben turned to look at his father. "You don't have to apologize to me, dad. I was disappointed, I can't lie. But that's on me, not you. I had put you up on a pedestal, like most people do, and even though I knew you were sad and hurt and angry, it never occurred to me that you – Luke Skywalker – could reach the point where you'd want to give up and be killed." Ben shook his head sadly, "You must have been in so much pain for you to get to that point."

Luke nodded. He put his arm around Ben and rubbed his shoulders vigorously to warm him.

"Thanks," Ben smiled, "so can I read it?"

"Sure, Ben." Luke handed the poem to his son.

Ben's eyes misted over as he read it. He sniffled but didn't cry. "This is really good, dad."

"Well, I don't know about that, but it helped."

"How did it help?"

"Well, I guess… not to be a sap but it helped me get my feelings out. It also helped me realize some things – like why your mother wrote that note and went off on her own to face Jacen. I couldn't figure out why she wouldn't have had me go with her, and I figured that out. I think she didn't want me to have to kill my sister's son. I mean, Jacen was her nephew too, but he's my twin sister's boy. She knew I've always felt guilty for Anakin's death because I sent him on the mission that killed him, so I think she thought that I would be heartbroken if I killed Leia's other son."

"I've been wondering that too and I think you might be right. It's still frustrating though because I know you would have been able to win against Jacen, and if you had then…"

"Then your mother would still be alive." Luke whispered. "I know. I wish… I wish she hadn't done what she did. But we can't look back at that now I guess. I mean, I know I still will, but we have to try to move on. And speaking of moving on, writing the poem helped me figure out one more thing."

"What's that?"

"It helped me realize that I'm in no shape to take out Jacen. I just don't trust myself to do it without falling to the dark side. It's going to have to be someone else."

"Who?" Ben asked.

"I don't know. But it can't be me."

"Okay, it makes sense. Part of me wants to see you do it because I know you can easily and I want Jacen to choke on his own arrogance, but you're right, if you feel like there would be a danger of you giving into your anger then you shouldn't. Even if we have to send ten Jedi Masters against him, it's better if it's not you." Ben moved to give his father a hug. "Anyway, the poem is good, dad. I'm glad you wrote it and I'm glad you shared it with me."

The two Skywalkers separated and Luke said, "Uh Ben, where'd the poem go?"

"Umm…" Ben looked at the hand which had previously held the piece of flimsi. "It must have slipped out of my hand!" Ben and Luke looked on the ground but did not see it. They looked at each other and Luke groaned as he realized it must have gone over the balcony. He reached out with the Force to try to sense where it was and draw it back, but in his current mental state, which was still overwhelmed, he could not sense it.

"I hope that doesn't get into the tabloids. The galaxy does NOT need to see my pathetic attempt at art. Plus, I'd really hoped to keep Jacen off-guard by letting him think I don't know yet." Luke said.

"Sorry dad…"

"It's okay, Ben. It'll probably be destroyed by a speeder before it gets in anyone's hands anyway. There are so many of them that it will probably just get sucked up into an exhaust system."

Ben laughed. "I hope you're right dad – because even though I mean it that the poem is good, I don't think the galaxy needs to know you as Luke the Poet!"

Luke chuckled at the thought. "Come on, son. Let's go inside and make breakfast, dawn's coming."

Part III

Chapter II

40 ABY, Jedi Temple, Coruscant

04:15:09 hours

The young zeltron Jedi apprentice stood on a balcony on one of the lower levels of the Jedi Temple. She stared out at the night as dawn approached. What a day it had been. Never in a million years did she think she would witness the Grand Master of the entire Jedi Order almost fall to the dark side. Luke Skywalker had always been a mystery to her. He was like the brightest shining star –untouchable and unknowable. Or, unknowable to her anyway, because she was a nobody; just a lonely new apprentice far from her family. To see him as a fallible human being touched her to her core. She'd never forget when she gave him a hug. She was embarrassed about it, but at the same time she knew it had meant something to Master Skywalker.

A movement caught the corner of her eye and broke her of her contemplation. A small piece of flimsi was flitting down from the sky. She grabbed it in the Force and pulled it to her. It was a bit crumpled, and the ink was smeared a little, but she could read the handwritten Aurebesh letters clear as day. She gasped as she read the words silently. It said:

Do I Still Breathe?

A Jedi Master should not seethe.

Did you know, at the very start,

she wanted to kill me? But I still breathe.

A sweet boy: he'd once relieved the pain of a baby nexu who teethed.

She'd come visit on Yavin, but would quickly depart.

A Jedi Master should not seethe.

Then, in his mind, arrogance took root and planted the dark seed.

Oh and ha! The first time I called her "sweetheart"

she wanted to kill me, but I still breathe.

It ravaged and roiled and wreathed.

She'd cry in my arms after war after war had kept us too much apart.

A Jedi Master should not seethe.

And when the last of the Light in him died, it was if he had sneered —

"Uncle Luke, DESOLATION to you I bequeath!"

I remember years ago, I said, "My Love, your pregnant belly is a work of art."

She wanted to kill me, but I still breathe.

So a poisoned barb into her flesh he sheathed.

Oh! - how I loved all of her, the sweetness and tart.

A Jedi Master should not seethe.

She wanted to save me. But I can't breathe.

- By Luke Skywalker

Author's Note: I have a short epilogue planned but that's about it for this story. Writing it was tortured – nothing flowed and I didn't have many flashes of inspiration like I do sometimes when I write. But I think it accomplished my goal which was to try to break my writer's block. Please review if you'd like – I'd appreciate on hearing what you think! I know it was over-the-top angsty, but meh. I'd written this poem a long time ago and then just built the story around it. Hopefully you've enjoyed it (somewhat anyway – I know it's not my best writing lol). Okay, onto the epilogue, it should be up shortly! Oh and in case anyone was wondering, the poem is in the form of a villanelle.