When I hear the acoustic guitar at the top of a song I've never heard before, I start walking up the packed pea gravel path, which is scattered with ivory-colored rose petals and lined on both sides with mason jars hanging on little shepherd's hooks every so often at a measured pace. It is covered by a thick canopy of massive, ancient oak trees, which is blocking out the sun making it seem closer to sundown than it actually is. Half the mason jars are filled with lit ivory votive candles submerged in ivory-colored sand, and the other half have fresh ivory roses and greenery in them. The path winds through about 25 feet of woods before it curves, and I'm able to see the rustic-looking gazebo and all the wedding guests.
When I reach the seating area, my eyes meet Tobias', and I'm suddenly transported back in time to my wedding day when I was walking slowly on the arm of my father toward my soon-to-be husband. When I reach the alter, the judge inconspicuously points to where I should stand, and I quickly look around at the once white-painted gazebo, which is mostly raw wood now. It has rope lighting tacked along the rafters, illuminating the ivory rose-petal-covered dirt floor, and there is live green garland embellished with ivory, black, and silver roses casually draped along the railings. It's absolutely beautiful in a very simple and understated way. I look back at Tobias and smile warmly, and he mouths I love you, which I return immediately.
The audience rises as one when Christina comes around the bend in the path just as the second chorus starts. What timing! She walks slowly toward us, her eyes focused on Will alone. They both look happy, excited, and very much in love. She reaches the alter just as the song comes to an end, and all the guests sit at once. It's only now that I notice Liam in Stephanie's arms, looking all around. He is so cute in a suit identical to Tyler's. Will and Alicia have thought of absolutely everything.
"Let us begin," Judge Baxter says. "Welcome friends and family. Will and Christina have chosen you, those special and important to them, to witness and celebrate the beginning of their life together. Today, as we create this marriage, we also create a new bond and new sense of family, one that will undoubtedly include all who are present here today." I know I should be paying close attention to the ceremony but Tobias looks so handsome. His attire and the setting reminds me of my wedding day, and I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything but him.
"Will and Christina, true marriage is more than the joining of two persons; it is the union of two hearts. It lives on the love you give each other and never grows old but thrives on the joy of each new day. Marriage is love.
"May you always be able to talk things over, to confide in each other, to laugh with each other, to enjoy life together, and to share moments of quiet and peace when the day is done. May you be blessed with a lifetime of happiness and a home of warmth and understanding." The judge looks toward Will.
"Do you Will, accept Christina as your wife and one true love, promising to share in all that life offers and suffers, to be there for her in times of need, to soothe her in times of pain, and to support her in all endeavors big and small?"
"I do," Will says, his voice ringing out proudly for all to hear.
"Do you Christina, accept Will as your husband and one true love, promising to share in all that life offers and suffers, to be there for him in times of need, to soothe him in times of pain, and to support him in all endeavors big and small?"
"I do," Christina says, emotion thick in her voice.
"Will, please take Christina's hands and repeat after me," the judge says and he immediately complies after I shift Tessa in my arms and take her bouquet from her. "I, Will, take you, Christina, to be my wife, loving what I know of you and trusting what I do not yet know."
"I, Will, take you, Christina, to be my wife, loving what I know of you and trusting what I do not yet know," he repeats.
"I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow together, getting to know the woman you will become and falling in love a little more each day," the judge says.
"I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow together, getting to know the woman you will become and falling in love a little more each day," he repeats.
"I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life may bring us."
"I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life may bring us," he repeats.
"Christina, please repeat after me. I, Christina, take you, Will, to be my husband, loving what I know of you and trusting what I do not yet know."
"I, Christina, take you, Will, to be my husband, loving what I know of you and trusting what I do not yet know," she repeats. She has her back to me but it sounds like she may be crying.
"I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow together, getting to know the man you will become and falling in love a little more each day," the judge says.
"I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow together, getting to know the man you will become and falling in love a little more each day," she repeats.
"I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life may bring us."
"I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life may bring us," she repeats.
"May I have the rings?" Tobias takes Christina's dainty ring out of his vest pocket as I slip Will's chunky ring off my thumb, and we hand them to the judge who holds them up for everyone to clearly see. "The ring is the symbol of commitment, which binds these two together. There are two rings because there are two people, each to make a contribution to the life of the other and to their new life together." He hands Christina's ring to Will.
"Christina, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love, as I give to you all that I am and accept from you all that you are," Will says as he slips her diamond wedding band up next to her engagement ring. The judge hands Christina Will's ring.
"Will, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love, as I give to you all that I am and accept from you all that you are," Christina says as she slips his platinum wedding band on his finger. I'm impressed that she didn't stumble since she only had a few minutes to memorize that vow.
"And now, by the power vested in me by the city, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife. Will, you may kiss your bride." Will takes Christina into his arms and puts his lips on hers. He kisses her tenderly for a moment then releases her.
"Friends and family, I present to you for the first time, Will and Christina Drake." Everyone stands up in celebration. The non-Dauntless guests applaud politely as all their Dauntless guests are whooping and hollering in typical Dauntless fashion.
"Thank you," Will says, not letting go of Christina. "My wife and I," they both beam at the new title, "want to thank all of you for sharing in this special day with us. Back up at the pavilion we will have an Italian buffet, cake, dancing, and drinks. I would like all of you to stay and enjoy the evening. I need the wedding party, Stephanie, Rose, Mom, Cara, and Caleb to stay behind for a few pictures. We will join all of you for the reception in a few minutes. Thank you." Tobias steps around the new bride and groom who can't seem to keep their hands off each other and leads me to the just vacated seats and takes Tessa from my arms. Tyler comes to me, and I pull him onto my lap.
"You look so handsome, Tyler," I say. "You look just like your daddy."
"Thanks," he says. "You look pwetty. When do we get cake?"
"Not for a while I'm afraid," I say with a chuckle. My son loves his cake. "If you can manage it, you can stay up and have a slice of wedding cake."
"I not sleepy," he says, bright eyed. His late nap probably took care of that but the busy afternoon in the pool can hit him at any time, and he'll be out like a light.
"Our girl is absolutely gorgeous just like her mommy," Tobias says. "I think we all clean up quite nicely." A flash startles us and Judge Baxter smiles our way. He's holding a camera.
"I dabble in photography in my spare time," he says, "so I'm doing a favor for Stephanie. I prefer candid shots to posed ones but we'll do both. Will and Christina want some of the wedding party and then some individual shots." By the time all the photos have been taken 20 minutes have passed then we walk back up the lit path to the covered pavilion. It's just as beautiful as the ceremony area.
There are silver chairs with ivory cloth seats and backs lining two long oblong tables draped with ivory linen tablecloths in the center of the room. Decoratively folded light gray fine linen cloth napkins sit atop winter white place settings flanked by shiny silver tableware and crystal wine and water glasses at each place setting. Running down the center of each table are several crystal vases filed with now familiar-looking fresh ivory roses and greenery and lit ivory votive candles in crystal votive cups. Yet again the decorations are elegant, simple, and understated.
Hanging from the rafters of the pavilion is a black wrought iron trellis lined with steady-burning soft white lights. At strategic intervals above each table hangs two rows of crystal, round-bottom vases. Half are filled with the same flowers lining the tables and pathway, and the other half have lit ivory-colored candles floating in a few inches of water.
Against the cabin wall are several ivory linen-tablecloth-covered tables serving as an elaborate buffet filled with delicious looking and smelling Italian food from the restaurant downtown. The first table has a large frameless black chalkboard leaning against the wall listing all the buffet choices. In front of the board is a silver vase with ivory roses in it. My mouth waters as I see and smell starters like bruschetta and prosciutto wrapped melon; entrée's like lasagna, spaghetti and meatballs, chicken parmesan, and cheese ravioli; and extras like Caesar salad, roasted vegetables, assorted meats and cheeses, and baskets of garlic bread. There's enough food here for an army. At the end of the buffet, on a separate table, is a two tier soft white round cake with black, silver, and soft white fondant roses piled on top and cascading over the side and pooling around the base. It's an absolutely beautiful wedding cake.
Tessa's getting a little fussy so I take her back to the little cabin where I left the diaper bag and change her back into the more comfortable bubble romper after changing her dirty diaper. I check to see if she's hungry but she's not. I think she's just tired and needs a nap. I sit in the quiet solitude thinking about everything the day has brought while I pat and rub her back in an effort to get her to sleep. I think about Christina's wonderful surprise and can't be happier for her and Will. Alec and Callen's confrontation comes to mind, and I contemplate talking to Nathan but reconsider, thinking that it's a bad idea. Callen needs to learn to take responsibility for his own actions. Finally, my mind drifts to Olivia, and I wonder again how the bitch knows his name. It's not as closely a guarded secret as it once was but I don't get how a transfer a few days into Dauntless initiation would get that information. I also think about what she said. "He'll be mine one day." I think her audacity is what pisses me off the most. You don't say something like that to someone, especially a married woman.
"There you are," Tobias says as he walks into the cabin. "I've been looking everywhere for you."
"I'm sorry," I say. "Our girl needed a new diaper, and she was cranky so I put her to sleep." He narrows his eyes at me. "What?"
"I should be asking you that," he says.
"I was just thinking about our day," I say.
"Thinking about Olivia?" he asks.
"Yeah," I sigh after a moment of silence. "I know I shouldn't care but I can't figure her out. I wish I had some truth serum. That would make her talk." He carefully lifts Tessa out of my arms, buckles her into her car seat, and tucks a lightweight blanket in around her since it's an unseasonably cool night. He drags me into his arms and stares down at me, his eyes burning.
"I love you … only you," he says, reassuring me. "She's a silly girl. A nobody. I have no idea why she's focused on me. I sure as hell haven't done anything to encourage it." He open and closes his mouth a couple times like he's searching for the right thing to say but failing. "I want to say to forget about her but I know that neither one of us can. She's up to something. That much is obvious, and if we aren't on our toes she could cause us some serious problems. I will never cheat on you though; I have no desire to. You know that. I will never leave you or our kids. You know that, too. So her saying I'll be hers one day is a complete improbability. Ignore her."
"I love you so much, Tobias Eaton," I say. He lowers his mouth toward mine as I raise mine to meet his. I feel the kiss spiraling out of control and break away, panting for air. "We have a reception to attend. Plus I don't feel like getting busted by our friends for having sex at Will and Christina's wedding. Not to mention, I'm starving. Feed me!" He laughs then gives me another tender kiss before picking up Tessa's carrier and leading me to the pavilion.
"I'll get you a plate," he says as I sit down next to Tyler who is sitting with Uriah and Marlene. "What would you like?"
"Surprise me. It all smells so good," I say. He takes my plate and his then walks over to the buffet. "How are you, buddy? Is everything good?" Tyler eagerly nods his head up and down. He loves this style of food just as much as Tobias and I do.
"This good," he says around a mouthful of spaghetti and meatballs.
"You shouldn't talk with your mouth full," I say as I give him a quick kiss on the head. I study him while he eats, and he shows no signs of slowing down.
"Did you two sneak off and have sex during my wedding reception?" Christina whispers in my ear, startling me. I knew that's what people would think.
"No," I say, pointing to the sleeping infant at my feet. "I put Tessa to sleep. She was cranky. Plus I had to change her diaper."
"Oh," she says. "You know, I was going to be mad if you got some before me."
"Got some of what?" Will says.
"Oh, it's nothing, husband," she says throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him. "We better get some food. I'm hungry."
"I'm hungry, too," he says obviously not talking about food. I clear my throat and look at Tyler who is staring up at them. "We'll take this elsewhere."
"Thanks," I say. After they walk away, Tobias puts a plate full of food in front of me, and I thank him. We eat the delicious supper and have great conversation with all our friends at the table. Tyler curls up on his chair with his head in my lap and quickly falls asleep after he gets his tummy full, which doesn't surprise me at all. He's had a very long day, and it's well past his bedtime.
I glance over at the end of the buffet and see that Will and Christina are posing with their wedding cake. I point it out to our table, and we all sit back and watch as they cut the cake. Christina has a devilish look on her face when she smashes the piece she'd feeding him into his face causing us all to laugh heartily with them. Will grabs her and kisses her hard getting cake and frosting all over her face, too, while the judge clicks away with the camera. Tobias puts his arm around me and kisses my temple. After they clean themselves up in the cabin, they serve each of us a slice of the best cake I've ever tasted. I swear I hear Uriah orgasm after he takes his first bite.
"Tyler, honey, do you want some cake?" I ask.
"If he doesn't want it, I'll take it," Uriah says. I shake my head and roll my eyes at him.
"Leave his cake alone," I say. Tyler sits up and rubs his eyes. Now I feel bad for waking him up. "You can go back to sleep, buddy. I'm sorry I woke you."
"I want cake." He sits up and quickly eats the dessert. "That good." He stands up and wraps his arms around my neck.
"Come here," I say, lifting him into my lap. I run my fingers through his hair, and he's back to sleep in minutes.
"Is he asleep?" I nod. "Do you want me to take him?"
"No, I've got him for right now," I say. I look down at Tessa and see that she, too, is sound asleep. It's been a long, eventful day for them also.
"We should do a toast or something," Tobias says. I look around and see that most people are finished with their cake.
"I think you're right," I say. "Now is as good a time as any. I'm glad I already researched toasts and speeches. There's no way I could come up with a speech off the top of my head but I have a toast planned already."
"Shall I take Tyler for you?"
"No, I think everyone will realize why I'm not standing up," I say, kissing my boy on the top of his head.
"I'll start then." He gets to his feet and taps a knife against his glass of sparkling cider. "Can I have everyone's attention," Tobias says. Everyone quiets down and looks our way. "Tris and I didn't have a lot of advanced notice for this beautiful wedding so I'm afraid that we don't have any fancy speeches prepared but we'd each like to toast our very dear friends." He raises his glass to the happy couple who are sitting at the end of the next table with their families. "Christina and Will, may today be the beginning of a wonderful new and long-lasting chapter in your life, and may you always love, cherish, and honor each other just as you do today."
"Will and Christina," I say holding my glass up. "May you be friends to each other as only lovers can, and may you love each other as only best friends can."
"Everyone, please join us in raising your glasses and toasting the happy couple," Tobias says. "To Will and Christina!"
"We love you guys!" I say.
"Congratulations and cheers!" Tobias and I say at the same time.
"Cheers!" says a choir of voices, everyone holding their glasses high in the air. I take a sip of the chilled sparkling cider then put my glass down.
"I'd like to toast my beautiful wife, Christina," Will says, glass in hand as he stands. "You're my best friend, my lover, my soul mate, and the greatest part of me. I vow to make you just as happy as you are right now for the rest of our lives. We'll have our ups and downs just like any couple but we'll always weather whatever storm life throws our way because we will do it together. I love you very much, Christy, and am so glad that you're finally mine. Cheers!" We all raise our glasses in celebration. Christina stands and gives him a sweet kiss then turns toward her guests.
"I'm not one for making speeches," she says and almost everyone in the room scoffs at her. "You all know me very well," she laughs. "I guess I should have said I'm not very good at sharing my true feelings in front of a roomful of people even if they are friends and family. There was a reason I left Candor." She turns toward Will and takes his hand in hers. "Will, I need to thank you for so much. First, thank you for choosing me. I was surprised when our friendship turned into more but I've never regretted it for one minute. Thank you for loving me the way you do. I know we've already had our ups and downs mainly because I've been afraid to talk to you but no more. I will keep the lines of communication open because I know you love me just as much as I love you and our love needs nurturing. Thank you for our son, Liam. He is the greatest gift you have given me. And thank you for today. I've always envisioned what my perfect wedding would look like and this has surpassed all expectations. To my husband. Know you are loved a little bit more every single day. Cheers!" Once again we lift our glasses in celebration.
"We know it's late but stay, enjoy yourself. Christina and I are going to dance our first dance out behind the pavilion. Oh and Uriah," he looks up stunned to be singled out, "try not to eat all the cake."
"Man, it is so good," he says lifting his hidden piece from his lap. Everyone laughs at him but he doesn't care. We all know how much he loves cake.
"I want to dance," I say. "Maybe we can lie the kids down in a quiet corner where we can still see and hear them."
"I'll see what I can do," he says. He takes a couple chairs and slides them together in the dimly lit corner of the pavilion. He lifts Tyler from my lap and lies him on the chairs, and I cover him with one of his sister's blankets. Then Tobias brings Tessa who is still asleep and puts her next to the chairs out of everyone's way so we can take advantage of the romantic ambiance on the dance floor.
"Do you know the name of this song?" I ask Tobias as we watch Will and Christina dance to the song we walked down the aisle to.
"Yeah," he says. "It's called Love of a Lifetime but I don't know who sings it. They play it on the power ballads station all the time."
"I've never heard it until today but I like it," I say. "It seems like a very fitting song." I wrap my arms around Tobias and he returns the favor, wrapping me in his loving embrace. He kisses my hair, and I tilt my chin up so his lips can find mine. We only break away from each other when we hear the song end.
"May I have this dance?" he asks.
"Of course," I say. He leads me out on the makeshift dance floor behind the pavilion, which is illuminated by the light coming from the reception area and from the candles in the mason jars that someone took the time to move from the path to the perimeter of the gravel patch. He takes me in his arms, and we dance the next few songs uninterrupted then I dance with Will while Tobias dances with Christina for one song.
"May I have the next dance?" Caleb asks when I finish with Will.
"Yes," I say. "I'm sorry I haven't said more than hello tonight. First I was busy then I kind of zoned out. How are you?"
"Wonderful," he says. "You look beautiful, Beatrice. Tyler and Tessa were cuter than normal in their matching outfits. I held Tessa and she smiled and laughed at me. I got a couple high fives from Tyler. He is one smart boy."
"Yes, he is," I say. "They're both remarkable in their own way. I hope the new baby is as easy going as those two."
"I'm sure she will be," he says. "How are you feeling?"
"Most of the time I'm tired, achy, hungry, and slightly grouchy," I say.
"You admit to being grouchy?" he asks with a chuckle.
"My mood is kind of all over the place," I say. "One minute I'm happy and content and the next I'm either bawling or a raving maniac. It makes for an interesting time."
"I miss seeing and talking to you every day," he says, a touch of sadness in his voice.
"I know what you mean, and I miss you, too," I say. We dance the rest of the song in silence, emotion robbing us both of our voices. When we finish, Cara taps me on the shoulder.
"Can I have my fiancé back?" she asks, good naturedly.
"Of course," I say. "How's initiation?"
"Tiring," she says. "I should be planning the wedding but it's all I can do to stay awake when I get home of a night."
"I understand," I say. "I better find my husband. You guys have a wonderful evening. It was great seeing you." We say a final goodbye then I wander off to look for Tobias. He's sitting at a table with Tessa in his arms. She's wide awake and laughing at her Daddy who is making funny faces at her. I stand back, unobserved, and watch them. I must move or something after a couple minutes because he looks up and pins me to my spot with his gaze. I think it's time to go home. I break his heated stare and make my way to his side. When Tessa sees me, she grins from ear to ear.
"Let's go home," he says.
"Okay," I say, nodding. "Let's say goodbye to Will and Christina." We head back to the crowed dance floor and find them kissing and whispering in the shadows.
"We're leaving," Tobias says. They reluctantly let each other go and give us each hugs.
"Thank you for everything, Tris," Christina whispers in my ear.
"I didn't do anything," I say.
"You are always here for me," she says her eyes shimmering with unshed tears in the glow of the candlelight.
"You're my best friend," I say. "Of course, I'm here for you. I love you. You're a beautiful bride." She hugs me, practically crushing me with her embrace.
"We'll see you tomorrow," Tobias and I say as we walk away.
"I've already packed the car and got everything out of the cabin so we only have to get Tessa's carrier and our son," Tobias says. We say our goodbyes then make our way to the car. Hopefully, Tessa can hold off on wanting nursed until we get home. She's not whining or anything yet but her fist is shoved in her mouth and she's sucking vigorously. My poor girl.
It doesn't take terribly long to get home. Tobias parks at the Pire and lets me and Tessa out of the car. I'm surprised her crying hasn't woken Tyler up. I go straight to our apartment and upstairs to her room. I quickly change her diaper so she'll be more comfortable then sit in her rocking chair to nurse her. I hear Tobias come in when the front door opens with a bang. He carries Tyler to bed, changes him into a pair of PJs, and tucks him in.
"I'm going to get the rest of the stuff out of the car," he says standing in the doorway.
"Okay," I say.
"Don't take that dress off," he says, his voice low and seductive. "I want to do that."
"O-Okay," I stutter. He gives me a smile that I feel directly between my thighs and turns and walks out the door. To get my mind off of my husband and what he might do to me later, I turn my attention to the infant at my breast. "How are you doing, little one? Are you getting enough to eat?" I see her eyes drooping but she's still nursing at a steady pace. She's not very happy when I unlatch her so I can get her to burp but she quiets back down when she starts eating again. When she finishes, I change her into a long-sleeve sleeper and put her in the crib after kissing her goodnight. I go into Tyler's room and kiss him then head into my bedroom.
Tobias is not so patiently waiting and lunges at me when I walk through the door. Whoa! He pins me against the wall by the open door and kisses me enthusiastically. I match his fervor kiss for kiss. He breaks away and closes and locks the door. It's amazing what that little clicking sound does to me. I stand against the wall, weak kneed, chest heaving, and stare at him.
"Let me get you out of this dress," he says. He stalks over to me and bends down and grasps the hem of the dress, and with exaggerated slowness, he lifts it up my body, his fingers grazing my heated skin the entire way, over my head, and tosses it to the floor. "You're so beautiful, Tris." I flush as his eyes take an erotic journey over my body. "I've wanted to make love to you all night just like I did at our wedding."
"Tobias," is all I can manage to say at the moment. He's so romantic. Once again I silently thank God for how lucky I am. I step forward, and with steady hands, I unbutton his vest while looking into his eyes then slide it off his muscular shoulders. Next I drag his shirt out of his pants and unbutton it. I mean to go slow, to build the anticipation further but I practically tear off the buttons in my ravenous state. I want him badly. We haven't made love since our little game of naughty Candor or Dauntless. I lean up and put my mouth on his as I slide his shirt off his body. He thrusts his eager, talented tongue into my mouth, causing me to moan. We let our tongues dance as I dispatch him of his pants. He moves us back until he runs into the end of the bed then he turns us around and sits me down.
"I don't think I can wait," he says. I reach out and run my palm and fingers over his cotton-covered hard length and he gasps. "God, I want you." His powerful words and the look in his eyes bring tears to my eyes but I quickly wipe them away. I reach behind me and boldly take my bra off as he slides his boxer briefs down and off. He gently pushes me back on the bed and grasps the waistband of my lace boy shorts and slides them down my legs. He hovers over my body and brings his mouth to mine. We kiss passionately, each of us letting the other into our soul. I run my hands up and down his back, loving the feel of his toned muscles under my fingertips. I feel his gentle touch glide down my body until two fingers disappear into my moist, heated center. He makes love to my mouth with the same rhythm his fingers slide in and out of me.
"I … want … you," I pant breathlessly between kisses, "inside … me … now. Please, baby … please!" He takes his fingers out of me, leans back, and kneels between my outstretched legs. He positions himself at my entrance and slowly sinks into me. He leans forward and looks lovingly down into my face, takes my hands in his and laces our fingers together. I automatically wrap my legs around his waist, taking him as deeply as I can. He starts a slow, gentle rhythm, pushing all the way into my depths before pulling almost all the way out then sliding home again. We stare into each other's eyes, making slow, sweet love to each other. I feel irrational tears escape my eyes, and he reaches down and gently wipes them away with his thumbs as he caresses my cheeks.
"God, I love you," I hear myself say out loud. I raise my hips to meet every single one of his powerful, steady thrusts. I feel the familiar sensation building beneath my navel, deep inside. "Tobias. Mmm."
"I know," he says. "It's so good." He keeps the rhythm steady until I'm on the edge then he picks up the pace slightly and I fall, spectacularly hard and fast. My back arches, my toes curl, and I scream in fulfillment. He explodes deep inside of me shortly after my release then collapses on top of me. I welcome his weight for the first time in ages but he drags us down onto the floor, me sitting in his lap before I comprehend what he's doing. Oh, Peanut! He pulls out of me and wraps me in my arms.
"That was," I say, sleepily. Without a doubt one of the best times we've made love. It takes me a moment to realize I only finished my thought in my mind.
"I know," he says, nuzzling my neck and ear with his nose. "It's always good, special between us. I love you, Mrs. Eaton. Maybe we should get some sleep."
"Okay," I mutter, half asleep already. "Love you ... too." The last thing I feel is him lifting me in his arms before sleep consumes me.