Chapter 18. Thanks so much for all the reviews. You guys know who you are and know that you are wonderful. I can`t get over how much you like the story. It`s so motivating. Seriously.

Believe me I would love to be writing all day but I have to work and take care of a boyfriend and a flat but I will try and update as much as I can. Next update will be on Friday.

Happy reading and remember if you have any questions or suggestions don`t be afraid to comment or message me. I`m all ears.

I left Jacob`s house on the verge of tears. That was so...What the hell was I thinking? I knew he didn`t love me. I just had to tell him didn`t I? Why did I tell him? Why did I do it? Shit...it seemed like a good idea in the car. Did I honestly expect him to say it back to me? I couldn`t stand the look of sympathy on his face as I said I was leaving. It was his own stupid fault! All of this! If he wasn`t so...Jacob, I would have never have fallen in love with him in the first place. Crap, he was never what I had imagined him to be. Jacob was a good person. Good to his friends, good to his father, good to the people he cared about. He was smart. He was funny. He had the cutest dimple on his chin. He had a way of smiling that just tore at my heart. He wasn`t afraid to challenge me. But the one thing that pulled me towards him more than anything was...him. Jacob. His spirit. He radiated power, security, and strength and the promise of happiness and love. The way he walked, the way he talked, the way he held himself...I could see it. Every movement of his graceful and agile body held my attention. The workings of his muscles under his skin, even when he opened a fucking can of soda I watched. I was amazed. I wanted to know more of him. To see more of him. To experience more of him. I wanted to count the faint freckles high up on his cheek bones and wrap myself around him the way Bella did. I wanted to make him happy, like she did. More than anything, I wanted him to love me like he loved her. Was that asking for too much?

He said he loved me but I don`t understand how. He didn`t understand how either. He was emotionally wrapped up in her while wanting me sexually. A man could be in love and still have sex with other women. I didn`t want to be the other woman. I wanted to be his number one. His one and only. I wanted it so bad that it was like a knife in the belly when his face would light up on the mere mention of Bella`s name. It wasn`t fair. I couldn`t take anymore of it. I need to get over it but I don`t know how or if I would ever. Imprinting was for life after all. A life sentence.

When I got home I tried acting normally for the sake of my mom and nana. Maybe I should consider acting as a future career. I was sure as hell doing a lot of it these days. Acting normal, acting happy. Acting interested when they told me about something that happened or somebody they saw. I nodded when I was supposed to. I asked questions when I needed to. They probably knew something was up as they didn`t mention Jacob once. If they did I would act happy again. Betray no sadness, no disappointment. Nobody wants to hear about what goes on in my head. The one person I want to share everything with doesn`t even want to know, he only wants my body, not my heart or mind.

I was a romantic deep down. I wanted to be wooed. I wanted to be won over. I wanted the man I loved to look into my eyes and see my soul and love it. I wasn`t going to settle for anything less. Jacob needed to understand that. Understand me as I understood him. And I understood him perfectly. He was still a boy. A seventeen year old trapped inside a mans body. He is holding onto Bella because she represents the normality before the change. He had a crush on her, he fell in love with her naturally and is unwilling to give it up because he thinks that if he does, then he would have to face fully the reality of who he really is, lose control, lose his free will. He can`t accept his power. His wolf. His heritage. He is the true born Alpha of the pack but won`t take the responsibility. He would be the future Chief of the Quileutes if we still held that tradition! He is scared in other words. And Bella does nothing to help the situation. She has her boyfriend, her soulmate, but won`t let go of mine. Leah told me about all the various conversations Bella and Jacob have had with each other. She drags him down with her unhappiness. She drains him of his own joy in hopes of getting some for herself. If her leech freak doesn`t give her what she wants she runs back to Jacob. Leads him on by telling him that she loves him. Bad mouths Sam and the others. Called him a coward, tossed him aside for a monster that dumped her for her own safety. She doesn`t believe in him or the strength of the pack. She is a leech. She was born to be a leech. She WANTS to be a leech! And yet Jacob wants her. He is such a moron.

I put away my new clothes and underwear and decided to get started on my homework. I must say that I was turning into quite a goody two shoes. I actually got my first A in maths the other day. My mom baked me a cake in occasion. I wasn`t naturally academic. I needed to work extra hard to keep up in certain subjects. Since I met (or re-met) Jacob though I wanted to prove to him that I wasn`t dumb. Stupid I know but that`s the truth. I also hadn`t been in a fight in months which is something that`s strange for me. Ciara Harris and her cronies were actually being friendly to me and my friends. The world has turned fucking nuts. Or I have.

Half way through my conjugation of Empezar into the preterit tense my mobile began to ring. It was Robbie. Oh man I forgot all about him! Shit fuck bitch. Okay okay calm down and answer it.

"Hello." I said in what I hoped was a normal voice.

"Hey Sonia, it`s Robbie." His deep voice said.

"Hey Robbie, how are you?" I made myself sound excited.

"Cool, and you?"

"Fine...what`s up?" I stood up and went to look out the window, fingering my curtains.

"Nothing much...I was just wondering if you wanted to come up to the Makah rez tomorrow, we`re having a drum circle. It`s kinda cool." He`s so nice. Jacob never invites me anywhere besides his house and to Sam and Emily`s.

"Yeah...that would be great. I love drum circles." I said honestly.

"Me too...so that`s great. So, I`ll pick you up tomorrow morning. Say eleven?"

"Wonderful."

"We could take a walk on the beach afterwards, get a bite to eat." He sounded so pleased.

"Great."

"How do I get to your house?"

I gave him the directions then we hung up after our goodbyes. How nice. Great actually. I didn`t think about Jacob once during the whole conversation. What an achievement! I was actually smiling from ear to ear because of this. Maybe Robbie was my Bella? I threw open my closet doors and searched for an outfit to wear tomorrow. Robbie was twenty, almost three years older than me. I would have to wear something more mature. It was only a drum circle but still...you know. I turned on my stereo and found a station playing Diana Ross`s I`m coming out. I sang along dancing and picking out random pieces of clothes. If I didn`t do this, keep my mind of Jacob, then I would pick up my phone and cancel on Robbie out of guilt. I needed this, if I act happy maybe I will begin to feel happy. I felt bad a bit. A little hypocritical calling Bella a user while using Robbie to get over Jacob. Well I wasn`t Bella. And this is completely different. Jacob doesn`t want me. He told me. I told him what I wanted and how I feel and he still said no so I am completely free to do and see who I choose. I was entitled to a bit of romance.

Afterwards when I had finished dinner and my mom and nana had gone to bed I went to my room with my book and started to read. Wow, that Cersei Lannister is such a bitch...

Tap tap tap.

What the fuck? Is there someone actually tapping on my window?

Tap tap tap.

Oh great. That could only be one person. I didn`t want to talk to him now. I couldn`t. No way.

Tap tap tap.

Fuck sake! I hopped off my bed and pulled back one of my curtains a little. Jacob. What a surprise. I rolled my eyes and cracked opened my window a little and walked to the other side of the room waiting for Jacob to climb in. I couldn`t help but marvel at how quiet he did it because of the size and weight of him. I concentrated on the wall behind his head instead of looking at him.

"We need to talk." He said quietly. He was using his gentle voice.

"I think that everything that needed to be said was said today." I said flatly, no emotion coloring my voice. Jacob came and stood in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders. I just stood there as a statue would.

"Sonia..." He didn`t finish, just trailed off. He pulled me towards him and I was engulfed by the heat of his body. I closed my eyes as I listened to the steady thud of his heart beating. What a beautiful sound. He just held me in silence, one hand stroking my hair. When he realized I wasn`t making any move to hold him back he stepped away.

"Please look at me." He pleaded in a whisper.

"What if I don`t want to?" I said back, looking down at the floor.

"I can`t make you look at me."

"Why do you want me to look at you?"

"I need to see your eyes." He said simply.

"I didn`t know that was part of the imprint package. I thought just being near each other was enough." I replied, trying to sound careless about it. I loved looking into his eyes.

"I want to look into your eyes." He amended. "Please Sonia."

"Why did you come here?" I asked, turning away and putting some shoes into my closet.

"To see you."

"You saw me already today." I said a bit bitterly. Of course Jacob would pick up on that.

"I know you`re upset. I`m sorry...just...when you told me that you loved me.." I actually cringed at the memory. "..I wasn`t expecting it. I never suspected that you...could love me...like that. It was a bit of a shock."

"Well you don`t have to worry anymore."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that...you know the truth...fine...I do love you.." I finally looked up at him and into his eyes. It hurt. "..but that doesn`t mean anything when it comes to me and you."

"It means everything!" He whisper shouted, stepping closer to me.

"No Jacob! Me and you. I want me and you! Not me, you and Bella! I want a boyfriend who will give me everything. I`m an only child. I don`t share."

"I`ll give you anything you want Sonia."

"Why are you saying this now?"

"Because I don`t want to lose you!" He seemed so pained.

"How can you lose me? The bond can`t be broken."

"I don`t mean the imprint bond. I mean you, now, this." He wasn`t making any sense.

"Jacob. You say you will give me anything I want."

"I will."

"What if I asked you never to see Bella again? Would you give me that?" His face changed as I expected it would.

"I don`t know."

"That`s a no then. Jacob...what`s said is said. What`s done is done. I need to move on from this."

"But Sonia..."

"But nothing! I want to be with you so fucking bad Jacob! So much that it hurts. I want the best for you...I want you to be happy. If you`re happy running after Bella then so be it. But don`t expect me to just sit around waiting for you. Don`t be selfish like her...don`t keep me on hold for later when things with her blow up in your face."

"I told you the truth Sonia. I like you...I like being with you. I`m not complete without you."

"We should go back to being friends."

"No, not after today."

"But you don`t love me."

"I DO love you!"

"You`re not in love with me!"

"Let me fall in love with you then!"

"I can`t LET you fall in love with me you fucking moron! YOU have to let yourself fall in love with me!"

"You don`t make it easy being a bitch half the time."

"Oh sorry. Maybe I should be like Bella. So meek...so fragile...like a little rose petal.."

"Shut the fuck up! I don`t want you to be her!"

"If you want me Jacob you are going to have to work hard! I mean hard. You can start by showing me some respect! Fucking call me a bitch again and I`ll show you the real meaning of the word!"

"I`ll have to show you? How?"

"Unlike Bella I can`t be won over by some shitty motorbike or dead things. Figure it out!"

"You`re impossible!"

"I`m not. You`re just..."

"What? I`m what Sonia?" Jacob spat looking furious.

"You`re just...clueless. And I`m not being mean saying it, believe me."

"Clueless?" Jacob shook his head and laughed humorlessly.

"I`m...I`m going to start living my life again. I want to be happy. If you love me like you say...you won`t make things...difficult." He looked at me with narrowed eyes. He understood the meaning of my words. His face turned hard.

"The whole boyfriend thing. That guys number." He stated. I nodded my head. "I do love you Sonia. I want you to be happy...but only with me. If that makes me selfish then I guess I`m just a selfish guy. But...if that`s what you really want then I won`t stand in the way." He gave me one last penetrating stare before climbing out the window. I shut it tight and drew the curtains. The howling lasted the entire night. Jacob was mad. But that wasn`t my problem.

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