This is a sight I never thought I would see in my entire life ... Marcus standing with Tobias in the Pit. I feel countless Dauntless eyes on us, evaluating the situation. Everyone knows I hail from Abnegation but there are still many who don't know Tobias' true identity, and he would like to keep it that way. I know that Marcus says he wants to make amends to Tobias but a visit on visiting day? What is he thinking showing up here like this, and why can't I shake the feeling this is all a colossal joke or a ploy in some grand scheme that he's cooking up? I just can't bring myself to trust him because of the hell he put Tobias through as a child and the hell he's put me through in the short time I've really known him. I'll probably never trust Marcus but he is Tobias' father, and if he decides to forgive him and have a relationship, then who am I to stand in his way.
"You look stunned to see me," Marcus says.
"I am," Tobias coldly says, sounding as shocked as I am to see his father standing before us. "What are you doing here?"
"I've always wanted to see the faction you call home," he says, mouth hanging open as he looks all around us, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings. "I've been in your office and your apartment but I haven't been any further. I thought today would be a good day to change that. This place is amazing, a bit intimidating but I guess it wouldn't be Dauntless if you didn't defy death on a daily basis." My eyes go to where his are watching a group of young preteens racing up the path, roughhousing along the way. One misstep could easily send one or all of them over the edge, plummeting to their death. Coming from Abnegation myself, I know what he's thinking right now but seeing children run along that edge without the benefit of a railing seems very natural now.
"It isn't as death defying as you would think," Tobias says. "Now that you've seen the compound, you can leave." Frustration contorts Marcus' face momentarily but I don't see the monster I usually see when he lets his guard down. Instead of contempt I see ... sadness? No! I don't want to feel sorry for this man, the man who abused Tobias terribly, the man who was partially responsible for me almost being taken away from my family forever. I refuse to feel sorry for him.
"I am trying, Four," he says with a sigh. Tobias' Dauntless name sounds so foreign and unnatural on his father's lips. I really don't like it. "I've admitted that I made mistakes in raising you. I've admitted that I was a horrible father. I'll admit now that you deserved so much better than your mother and me. You still do. I don't know how you turned into such a fine, outstanding young man." He takes a step closer to Tobias and I see him stiffen. "I don't expect you to run into my arms, embrace me, and tell me all is forgiven but can you at least try to move past it? I wish I could change what I did but I can't."
"I'm not sure I know what you want me to say," Tobias says, "and this really isn't the time or the place to discuss my childhood."
"What I want to hear is that you will allow me to show you that I've changed," Marcus says, somewhat exasperatedly. "That's all. I'd like for you to get to know the real me, and I'd like to get to know you. I would also like to be a part of my grandchildren's lives. Please try."
"The kids?" he says, sounding like the protective father he is. "I'm not sure about that. I will never allow them to be hurt by you or anyone else for that matter."
"You are very young so you've probably never considered having grandchildren but when it happens, it changes you. I wasn't expecting it; it actually snuck up on me but one day I woke up and realized I was never going to know Tyler and Tessa or the new baby," he points at my stomach, "and it made me very sad. I want to be a part of your life and your children's. I know I've done unspeakable things to you and Beatrice, and I deeply regret it. If you still want me to leave, I'll go. Just say the word." Silence stretches between the three of us as Tobias stares at his father.
"This isn't a decision I can make on my own because it directly impacts Tris and the kids," Tobias says. "We make all our decisions together. It wouldn't be fair to her."
"I understand," he says. "I'll go now."
"We'll give you a short tour of the compound then we'll walk you out," Tobias says.
"Do you mind if I go home and rest instead of tagging along?" I ask. I'm genuinely tired but I'd rather have Tobias throw knives at my head again than spend time with Marcus.
"I don't mind at all," he says, giving me a quick kiss.
"Have … fun?" I whisper. He looks down at me and to my surprise laughs his deep belly laugh I love so much.
"Thanks," he says. "You have a good nap. I'll be home after bit and cook us some lunch." As he turns to address his father, an odd look comes over his face. I wonder what that's about. "Here's Al's letter." He looks torn as he hands me the envelope. I take it with a thanks then look at Marcus.
"I'm going home to rest. Initiation has been exhausting for me," I say. "Enjoy the tour."
"I will," he says. "Thank you, Beatrice."
"Follow me," Tobias stiffly says. I can tell he's torn as about what to do. I watch them disappear into the growing crowd that has formed on the Pit floor then turn to go home and run directly into Ruth.
"Ruth! What are you doing here?" I ask, pleasantly surprised to see her. I've been feeling a bit guilty about my reaction to seeing her last week in Candor.
"I hope you don't mind but I came to see you," she says.
"Of course, I don't mind. Is everything okay?" I ask.
"Well, I was a bit nervous about just showing up without an invitation," she says. "You didn't seem very happy to see me the last time we ran into each other." I feel heat rise into my cheeks knowing that my insecurities showed through on our last meeting.
"I'm so sorry, Ruth," I guiltily say, unable to meet her eyes. "The last time we met, I looked at you and I saw Peter then everything he did came flooding back. I hate thinking about him. I think I had convinced myself that I'm past what he did but in that moment the truth slapped me in the face … I'll never get past it, not really. It will always be a part of who I am." I finally raise my eyes to hers and see no contempt, no hatred, only worry and a deep thoughtful caring. "That's the reason why I didn't stay and have lunch with you. I was too much of a coward to face you and tell you what was going on. But the truth is, I know you are nothing like him. I've been wrestling with what to do this past week. I'm glad you came. I was just going home to rest. Would you like to join me for some coffee or tea?"
"I'd love to," she says with visible relief evident on her face. We make small talk on our trip from the Pit to the Pire. She asks about life in Dauntless, and I tell her all about it as I point out different highlights like the tattoo parlor and boutique along the way.
"Would you like coffee or tea?" I ask when we enter the apartment.
"Coffee if it's not too much trouble, please," she says as she looks around our living room.
"It's no trouble at all," I say. "You may sit anywhere you like. Please make yourself at home." I go into the kitchen and put Al's letter on the counter next to the sink then put a frozen blueberry coffeecake in the oven and start a fresh pot of coffee.
"You and Four have a lovely home," she says as she sits down on the loveseat so she can easily see into the kitchen. "I especially love the pictures. I can tell you have a very happy family."
"Yes, we are very happy and truly blessed," I say, glancing over at the new picture of Tobias, Tyler, Tessa, and me on the bookshelf next to the door that was taken at Will and Christina's wedding. I just displayed it earlier in the week, and it's quickly become my favorite. "How do you take your coffee?"
"Black," she says. I make myself a cup of tea with milk and sugar then pour her a cup of coffee and carry them into the living room.
"Here you go," I say, handing her the hot mug then sit down on the couch facing her. "We love this place but with the new baby coming soon Four and I decided that we need more space so we're moving down the hallway to a larger apartment. An artist we know from Amity is installing some furniture in Tyler's room and doing some decorative painting in the playroom and nursery. We should be able to move in in a little over two weeks. It's exciting and sad at the same time."
"A new home can definitely be exciting and stressful," she says. "I moved into a new apartment a couple weeks ago myself. I needed a fresh start. It's nice to sit down and not have bad memories bombard me everywhere I look."
"I didn't tell you last week but you look great," I say. "Is that a new haircut?"
"It is, thank you," she says with a blush coloring her cheeks. "After Porter's trial, I sulked for one week straight then decided that I needed to pick my head up and make a new life for myself."
"Have you always worked at your headquarters?" I ask.
"No, I had never worked before. Porter wouldn't allow it. He believed that a woman should be at home with the children," she says. So that's where Peter got that prehistoric notion from, his idiotic father. "A friend of mine helped me get the job, which I will forever be grateful for. It's given me so much self-confidence. Not only did I get the new apartment, I bought a brand new wardrobe, got my hair cut, and had a makeover. I feel like a brand new woman."
"You seem very happy," I say.
"You sound surprised," she says with a warm smile.
"I'm sorry," I say, cringing, "but I am surprised."
"Don't worry about it, Beatrice," she says. "I wake up each day and think about my husband and son for a few minutes. I allow myself to grieve during that time but then I choose to put a smile on my lips. It isn't always easy but each day everything gets a little better. I'm happier now than I have been in years."
"You sound … guilty," I say, searching for the right word.
"I do feel guilty for finding happiness so soon after such a tragedy," she says, suddenly looking bashful. "There's an inherent guilt in living longer than your child. Parents aren't meant to outlive their children. But that isn't what makes me feel guilty. I'm happy that my son isn't out in the world causing trouble for you and anyone else anymore, and that is what makes me feel embarrassed. I hate to say it but I didn't know Peter, and I'm the one who raised him. What does that say about me?"
"I may not have known you long but there's one thing that's perfectly clear, you're nothing at all like Peter," I say, hating the taste of his name on my tongue. "He must take after his father. You are kind, caring, compassionate. I don't think he got a single trait of yours."
"What did he do to you?" she asks. I slowly shake my head back and forth.
"Ruth, you don't need to know the details," I say, nervously wringing my hands together.
"Yes, I think I do," she says. "To totally move on."
"Okay," I finally say. I get up off the couch and take our empty mugs to the kitchen for refills. While I slowly tell her my story including every single gory detail from initiation to his death, I busy myself in the kitchen. I take the coffee cake out of the oven, cut thick slices, and put them on plates. When I'm finished I carry them and the coffee back into the living room. She takes the mug and plate from me with trembling hands, causing me to finally look into her face. I see tears swimming in her eyes. "Don't cry, Ruth."
"I knew it was bad but I had no idea how bad," she says. "I'm so sorry, Beatrice."
"You don't have to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong," I say. "You know what troubles me the most about his actions? He kept telling me that he loved me." I sigh remembering his proclamations. "You don't treat someone you love like that."
"Oh, Beatrice," she says with a sigh. "There are no excuses for his behavior but I will tell you this. The only love his father ever showed him or me for that matter came with a heavy hand and a harsh word. It's no wonder its true meaning became twisted in his mind. I should have been stronger for him and for myself. I shouldn't have looked the other way."
"What he did wasn't your fault," I say. "He was an adult and responsible for his own actions." It sounds like he had a similar upbringing to Tobias but he's never been violent with me.
"I can understand why you don't want me around," she says.
"Ruth," I say scooting closer to her and leaning over and taking her hands in mine. "I liked you immediately when Peter introduced us and now that you know everything, I think we are going to be good friends … if you would like that. I don't want to cause you any added distress." She releases my hands and leans forward to give me a big hug.
"Even though you are not, I think of you as my daughter-in-law," she says. "I would like nothing more than for us to be friends and nothing about you has ever caused me any distress." We spend the rest of the morning talking about everything. I tell her all about Tobias and how we met. Even I can hear how much I love him in my voice. I show her my wedding pictures. I tell her how excited I am about the baby but how nervous I am about the birth, and we go through several snapshots of Tobias, Tyler, and Tessa after she reassures me that my nerves are normal and that I'll do fine. I also tell her all about the plans for the new apartment then she tells me all about her new place and the friends she's made in her new building. She also excitedly tells me everything about her new job, which is easy to tell that she loves.
"Would you like to stay for lunch?" I ask when I notice her looking at the clock.
"I would love nothing more but I've really got to get home," she says. "I have to work this afternoon so I need to be going. It was nice talking to you this morning. I hope we can see each other often."
"I enjoyed our visit, too, Ruth," I say. "I'm so glad you came by today. You're welcome at any time. Do you want a ride back to Candor? I could drive you."
"Thank you for your offer, Beatrice, but I'll catch the bus," she says. "It stops right out front of every faction headquarters today. It was nice of you to offer though." We both get up, and I walk her to the door. "Thank you for telling me. I know that had to be difficult for you. You are a strong woman."
"Thanks for listening," I say. "I know that had to be hard for you."
"Harder for you," she says as the door swings open, making us both jump.
"Whoa!" Tobias says, stopping in his tracks when he sees us both standing here. "Hi, Ruth. I didn't know you were here."
"Hello, Four. I just stopped by to see your wife," she says, "but I have to be going now. It was nice seeing you. Goodbye, Beatrice. Thank you for the coffee and snacks and especially the good conversation. I'll see you again soon."
"Bye, Ruth," I say. I step out into the hallway with her and give her another hug then watch as she disappears down the stairs.
"How about some lunch, love?" Tobias asks as I come back into the apartment. "I'm starving. How does grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup sound?"
"Delicious," I say. I follow him into the kitchen, and we start gathering the ingredients for the light lunch. "So how was your morning?" We have a lot to talk about, and I'm anxious to hear about his morning with Marcus.
"Stressful," he says with a sigh. "I gave Marcus a quick tour around the compound making insignificant small talk along the way but I felt on edge and uncomfortable the entire time."
"Have you thought about his request?" I ask, knowing that he has.
"Truthfully, that's all I've been thinking about since he showed up here today. God, I hate visiting day! I still can't believe that he had the gall to show himself in Dauntless, the Pit of all places," he says. I know him well. "What do you think? I don't want to leave you out of making this decision." I lean up against the counter and watch him while he stirs the soup.
"I don't trust him, Tobias. I still feel like he's up to something," I finally say. "But ultimately it is your decision, and I'll stand behind you whatever it is you decide. Just please be careful. I know you don't want to see anything happen to Tyler, Tessa, Peanut, or me but I can't stand the thought of him hurting you again so please be 100% sure before you make your final decision."
"I understand where you're coming from, love, but try not to worry about me," he says.
"I worry because I love you," I say.
"I love you, too," he says. "By the way, I don't trust him either but…"
"...he's your father," I interrupt, understanding that bond, dysfunctional as it may be.
"Yes, he's my father and there's a small part of me who wants a normal relationship with the man," he says. "I know that sounds crazy after everything that he's done to both of us but it's how I feel."
"No, it doesn't sound crazy to want the love and respect of your parents," I say.
"I want what you have with Natalie and Andrew," he says as he turns the stove off. "You may have your disagreements but they love you no matter what, and they would never intentionally hurt you. Why can't I have that?"
"Oh, Tobias!" I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him close to me. He snakes his arms around me and kisses my head. "You deserve what I have with my parents but looking for it in Marcus Eaton could be a horrible mistake. What if he isn't capable of changing? I can't stand the thought of him breaking your heart."
"My gut feeling is to tell him what I've been telling him since I left Abnegation … I don't want anything to do with you," he says as he releases me from his embrace. "But I think I'm scared to tell him no. I don't want him retaliating when we're least expecting it. If I tell him yes, I can keep an eye on him and see if he is indeed up to something." I hadn't thought of a relationship with Marcus as a preemptive strike.
"That's actually pretty smart, Tobias," I say.
"Thank you. I think so, too," he says as we sit down at the island to eat our lunch. "There's something I need to tell you about. He really wants to get to know his grandchildren. He talked about them a lot." My head pops up and I look at him. I can't describe the look on his face.
"The kids? This is the part that scares me the most," I say. "As much as I don't want you hurt by that man, if he were to do something to Tyler or Tessa I don't think I would be able to control myself. I'd kill him."
"I did tell him that if I were to accept his proposal that he won't be introduced to the children until I know for a fact that he's on the up and up, which he seemed to understand. I told him again that I won't have you or the kids hurt because I exposed you to him. I'm tired of thinking about him right now, love," he says with an exasperated sigh. "I was surprised to see Ruth when I got home."
"When I turned around to come up to the apartment, she was standing there," I say. "We had a long talk. I apologized for my behavior at Candor. Unfortunately, she noticed. She insisted that I tell her what he did. She listened. I think telling my story again helped but I feel bad that she had to hear what her son did."
"It must be hard for her," he says. "She seems like such a nice lady."
"She is, Tobias," I say. "The more we talked, the more comfortable I became. I don't look at her and see him anymore. As a matter of fact, I feel bad for ever linking him to her the way I did. She doesn't deserve the contempt I was feeling the last time we saw each other."
"Don't beat yourself up over it," he says. "Have you read Al's letter?"
"Oh! I forgot about that," I say.
"Do you want any more soup?" he asks as he gets himself another bowl.
"No, I think I'm good," I say. "Maybe I'll have some ice cream after bit." He picks up the envelope I forgot I laid down by the sink and slides it across the island to me. I pick it up and stare at it, noticing that my heart aches a little.
"You don't have to read it if you don't want to," he says, noticing my reluctance.
"Part of me wants to know what in the world was going through his mind before he jumped into the chasm and another part of me just wants to rip this in two, throw it away, and try to forget that I ever knew Al." He sits down next to me and ignoring his bowl of soup, takes me in his arms.
"You'll never forget him," he says. "He was your friend and he made a mistake." We sit wrapped up in each other's arms for a long moment.
"You better eat the rest of your lunch before it gets cold," I say as I let him go. "I'm going to go lie down for a while. I never did get to rest." I kiss his cheek and take the letter upstairs with me. I lie down in the middle of the bed, moving the pillows around until I'm comfortable then I rip open the envelope. I pull out the single sheet of paper and run my fingers over the chicken scratch that is Al's handwriting. I've never seen it before but there's a familiarity to it anyway.
Dear Tris,
The day I met you was the greatest day of my life. Yesterday, when I helped to try and kill you was by far my worst. What I did was unforgivable so I don't blame you for hating me. A real man never would have done what I did. I really wish you could forgive me but I understand why you can't. I completely broke your trust. Hell, I can't even bring myself to forgive ME for what I did.
You are absolutely right, I am a coward, and I can't stand the thought of living factionless. It's my greatest fear. I let that fear get the best of me and allowed myself to become someone I'm not. It's what let Peter poison me against you and for that I'm deeply ashamed.
I got jealous of how well you're doing and all the new friends you're making. I felt left out, like you were moving forward without me. I know you don't feel the same way about me but I'll regret it forever if I don't tell you. I love you, Tris. No one has ever stood up for me the way you did with Eric. Most people look at me with pity in their eyes for one reason or another but I never saw that from you. That cemented you in my heart forever.
Also, watch out for Peter, Drew, and Molly. I don't know why but they absolutely HATE you, and even though I don't know any details, I know they are cooking something up far worse than what happened at the chasm. Watch out for yourself, Tris. I really am sorry. If I could take it back, I would. I hope one day you can look back and remember me with a smile on your face.
Love,
Al
I read over the letter a couple more times then set it aside and relax into the pillows. The usual guilt I feel when I think about Al seems to have magically disappeared. I think I was half expecting the letter to be full of rage and hatred aimed at me but he seems to be seeking forgiveness. Can I forgive him? No, I don't think I can but maybe one day the good times will outweigh the bad. He loved me? I guessed that during initiation but it seems weird to hear him say it ... write it. I do wonder what he meant about Peter, Drew, and Molly though. Peter was a continual thorn in my side until his death but I really haven't given Drew and Molly much of a thought since they burnt out of Dauntless. The shuffling of paper makes me open my eyes.
"I didn't know my eyes were closed," I say. Wow, I sound groggy.
"Well, you were just snoring," Tobias says with a chuckle as he lays Al's letter on the night stand.
"I don't snore, mister," I grumble. He climbs up onto the bed and lies down in front of me.
"Of course you don't, love," he says.
"Was I really asleep?" I ask around a yawn.
"You sure were," he says. "It's been one hell of a day, hasn't it?"
"Al's letter ... Ruth's visit ... Marcus. Yeah! You can say it's been one hell of a day."
"I read it, Al's letter. I hope you don't mind," he bashfully says. Oh, that's what I heard.
"I don't mind," I say.
"He loved you?" he says, sounding a little … off.
"Tobias Eaton, please tell me you aren't jealous of Al," I say, half laughing. That's absurd.
"I knew he liked you but to see it in print," he says, shaking his head. "Was there ever a time you liked him?"
"I would have told you if I did. You know you are the only one who has ever touched my heart," I say. "I knew how he felt. He wasn't exactly obvious with his feelings but ... I knew. I think it added to my guilt. His letter helped. I don't feel guilty anymore."
"You never should have been guilty in the first place," he says. "He had his own demons. He made his own decisions."
"I think I'm seeing that now," I say, reaching out and grazing my fingertips over his lips. "What time is it?" He looks over my shoulder at the clock.
"Time to go tell the transfers what their rankings are," he says. Damn! The first time I actually feel in the mood in nearly a week and Tobias and I have to go to the dorms and deal with the misfits. I groan loudly and roll over onto my back. I stretch to get all the kinks out, and when I open my eyes, he's hovering over me.
"Don't start something you can't finish," I pout.
"You have no idea how much I want to start something," he roughly says with a naughty sparkle in his eyes.
"I know. Me, too," I say. I reach up and clasp my hands behind his neck as he slowly lowers his lips to mine. He kisses me tenderly, thoroughly but we're both careful not to let the passion we're suddenly feeling explode. There's just no time. He pulls his lips away from mine with a groan and helps me to my feet. "Why thank you, sir."
"You're very welcome, love." He leans down and wraps his arms around me. With his lips up against my ear he says, "I love you, Mrs. Eaton."
"I love you, too, Tobias," I whisper into his neck. "We better go."