Disclaimer: I own Pokémon, or my name isn't John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt!

Unfortunately, my name… isn't John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt…

People still have that annoying habit of shouting my name whenever I go out, though.

Chapter 22: Bless Your Heart, Vanna Albright

Skyler

"About time you got back!" Lexi called out to me as I climbed up the mountain. "Chief wants to see us in her office, so hurry up!"

You will pardon me, sweet Lexi, but I'm in a joyful daze

One that simply can't be broken, even by your sternest gaze

"What's with the poetry all of a sudden?" she asked, looking concerned and taking a few of the grocery bags from me. "And what, no hot licks that invariably rhyme my name with 'sexy'? I've almost started looking forward to those."

"Not up to it today, I'm afraid," I smiled. "Anyway, Chief Aggie wants to meet us? What does she want now?"

"Like I know," Lexi shrugged. "We've been working here for years now, and have we ever been able to anticipate what she wants?"

It was true. Some of the errands that the chief had us go on were just plain weird. Searching for a yellow Taurus, grinding bones of Stegosaurus, buying books from shops in Jinford, asking us to 'soul search inward'… we didn't understand how any of it advanced her research… but it always turned out being useful somehow. Though that book from all the way over in Jinford was just one that she'd always wanted to read.

As quirky and fun a boss as this makes her sound, it still isn't ever a good idea to keep her waiting, which is why Lexi and I ran at full speed until we reached the office door emblazoned with "Agatha: Head Researcher." I knocked on the door, relieved to hear a friendly 'come in!' as opposed to a rabidly barked 'Get in Here!' which… happened sometimes.

She smiled at us we took our seats across her mahogany desk, dressed in the green-tinted lab coat that had become her trademark. "Hello Skyler, Alexis. Glad to see you're both so prompt."

"What do you need, Doc?" Lexi grinned. "Need a Pokémon or two captured?"

"Even simpler than that, believe it or not," Aggie assured us. "I just need you to purchase a Fly HM for me as soon as possible. I believe a Bird Keeper over in Siderun is selling them for a reasonable price."

"Siderun?" I gulped. "That's like… two towns over, isn't it?"

"Yes," the doctor affirmed. "Why? Something wrong?"

"Well…" I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "I sort of… have plans for tomorrow night. And if we've got to travel over to Siderun…"

"Wait, you have plans?" Lexi interrupted. "What sort of plans could you possibly…" She paused. "You mean… as in… like… a date?"

"Yeah," I admitted. "I met this girl a the grocery store. Red hair, freckles, warm smile… sorry." I cleared my throat, returning to the conversation at hand. "How important is it that we do this as soon as possible, Doc?"

"Of the utmost importance," Aggie responded. "We're working with a very small window of opportunity, Skyler. Preferably, I'd like you to leave first-thing tomorrow morning."

"If at all possible, Dr. Aggie… could we use the company balloon?"

She paused, mulling it over. "You know you're not technically certified to operate that, Skyler."

"But you know that I know how to use it," I argued. "Tell you what, if you let me use the hot air balloon, I'll leave tonight, and won't sleep until I return with the HM. Sound fair?"

"That… oh, that's tempting, Skyler," Aggie admitted. "Oh… all right, fine. Don't say I never did anything for you." She turned to Lexi. "Alexis? I won't require you to go with him, since you really shouldn't have to change your schedule to accommodate him."

"Great!" Lexi shouted, getting up quickly. "I'm going to go to bed then. Good night, all. And try not to crash the balloon, Skyler; I'd imagine it would ruin your big date tomorrow." She strode out of the room, allowing the door to slam behind her.

I paused, looking after her for a moment, and turned back to Dr. Aggie. "Should I feel bad about that?" I asked, motioning to where Lexi was.

"I don't think so," Aggie said, shaking her head. "Do you feel bad about that?"

"Not particularly," I admitted, chuckling. "Just making sure I haven't gone callous, is all." I excused myself, heading for the door, but Dr. Aggie called me back.

"Wait, Skyler, sit back down for a minute," she said. I obeyed, sliding into the chair again. "So…" she began. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I assured her. "Just like I was fine last week, and the week before that, and…"

"Don't you dare treat me like I'm just being a worrier," she said scoldingly, as if she were my mother. "We're not one-hundred percent certain of all the side effects treatment can have, and the last thing I want on my conscience is…"

"Doc," I interrupted. "Doc, really, it's ok. I know you care, and I'm glad, but it's been months now. If something bad was going to happen… it would have by now. We both know that."

"Don't remind me," she shuddered. "I think I would have quit research completely if you hadn't pulled through like you did."

"Don't talk like that," I said reassuringly. "What you're doing here is ridiculously important, and I volunteered willingly. The only person at fault would have been me, for being so reckless. And hey, just between you and me…" I leaned across the desk, lowering my voice. "I'm starting to be able to control it. Could have been coincidence, but last week… something happened."

She gasped. "You mean…"

"Yeah!" I said exuberantly. "So… mission accomplished, right?"

"Maybe," she said hesitantly. "Just don't push yourself, ok? And if you feel ill or weak at all afterwards, you stop immediately and come tell me, understood?"

"Naturally," I said, rising from my chair. "Now, if you'll excuse me:"

I'll soon make the ladies swoon

Riding in my cool balloon

She squinted at me judgmentally. " Not your best effort, Sky. That was a 5 at best."

"Ah… if only you'd heard my free styling from earlier… maybe when I get back, I'll tell you." I backed up towards the door, waved goodbye, and headed towards the balloon dock on the roof. Time to run another mindless errand!

Detective Jenkins

"I can't stress enough how this isn't just some mindless errand we're sending you on," I lectured. "This is a highly trained, dangerous criminal organization we're sending you in after, and you should treat it as seriously as you can."

"Question, Detective?" Amber said disapprovingly. "If this criminal organization is as dangerous as you say, why send Axel in to investigate? Isn't this a job for… I don't know… the police?"

I cringed as the truth stung like a six-hooked flail dipped in hot sauce. This hadn't been an easy decision for HQ to make, and somewhere in my gut I still knew it was a bad idea. Not that I could do much about it.

"The sad truth of it is…" I explained, "the regular police force has never been able to get anything solid on these people. From their vantage point, they can easily figure out our actions in advance, and hide whatever it is they're doing when we send someone up. And our efforts to send an officer up disguised as a Pokémon Trainer were… less than successful." I shuddered. Jenny had been a good cop. "The best thing we can hope for right now is for Axel to go up, do some training, and figure out a way inside without rousing any suspicion."

"You're putting him in a situation where his life depends on how secretive and discrete he can be?" The redhead scolded. "Really? You've met Axel, right? You almost arrested him once?"

I breathed deeply, resisting the urge to tell her to just shut her pie hole and follow orders. I was beginning to understand what those lectures on civilian etiquette had been for. They weren't working, though.

"I'll be fine, Amber," Axel assured her, thankfully saving my voice from the strain. "Besides, if I'm going to be the whole… stereotypical hero… thing, I have to single-handedly tear apart large organized criminal groups with nothing but my Pokémon, right?"

"I don't think you should use one of Death's metaphors to justify your going in there, Axel," Vanna said, concerned. "I mean, that's just begging for something bad to happen, right?"

"Death is only human," I reminded them quickly. The last thing we needed was for someone to lose their nerve. "That being said, if you can deal with his Pokémon, like I know you can, then you shouldn't have any trouble with the Pokémon that Team Musket will throw at you, if it comes to that."

"That's their name?" Amber asked. "Team Musket? Huh. Well, it's better than Team Aqua, I suppose."

"And minus the ludicrously ill-thought out goals, too," I noted. "They first caught our attention about a decade ago, when their aptly-named 'Musket Balls' started selling like hotcakes on the black market." I opened up the manila folder I was carrying, passing a picture of the small, black ball across the picnic table Axel's party sat at.

"They look kind of cool," Axel commented. "What's so bad about them?"

"You've never heard of a Musket Ball?" Vanna asked, shocked. "Their outer shells explode on contact with Pokémon, allowing a trainer to weaken them without battling."

I nodded firmly. "Glad to see some of you are in the know. Not only did these balls violate every 'fair capture' law on the books, but a significant percentage of Pokémon outright died when hit by one of these things. It was chaos for a while." I shuddered again. "Every so often you'll see a batch pop up nowadays, but… thankfully, we've got them under control.

Only problem is, Team Musket didn't just stop there. Over the years, they've released a slew of black market products, all aimed at 'giving more power to the trainer'. Steroids laced with Machamp DNA, Bug-Type insecticide… they even had a glitchier version of that Snagger of yours out for a while. Didn't always work though, and occasionally trainers would straight up lose their arms." I whistled. "That little problem resolved itself pretty quickly, let me tell you."

"Oh… I see…" Axel said, gingerly removing the gauntlet from his arm. "And this place is where they produce all of those products?"

"I wish," I grunted. "We've been looking for the central distribution plant for years now, never found a single clue. This is just one of their research facilities. Not as big as some of the other ones we know exist out there somewhere, but we still might be able to find something to help us bring the whole thing crashing down."

"And he has to go alone? You can't send anyone with him?" Amber had clearly decided not to let up. Annoying as hell, but admirable, I suppose.

"Look," I explained. "It's entirely under Axel's discretion whether he tries to get in or not. Even if he just sees something while he's up there, it could be incredibly useful."

"You didn't answer my question," Amber pointed out.

"We can't attract attention, so no," I said firmly. "And that's HQ's last say on the matter, and after that… we may never ask anything of you again." I eyed Axel. "But we have to have some good reason to consider you an honorary member of the force, and since we're leaving the Death incident under wraps…" I paused, allowing everyone to finish the sentence themselves. Mostly because I'd forgotten where I was going with it.

"So just to be clear," Amber said. "Axel is going to go up there, alone, pretend to train Pokémon, and try to work his way into a criminal organization's base with absolutely no help from the outside whatsoever?" When she put it so bluntly, it really did sound like an awful idea. But I don't call the shots, even though I sometimes think I should.

"Will giving him a wire make you feel better?" I said, not quite keeping the yell from escaping my throat.

She smiled pedantically. "Of course! That will make everything more acceptable in my eyes, Detective. In fact, now I can free up my mind and just prepare for my date tomorrow!"

"I was hoping you'd say that!" Vanna said quickly, grabbing her arm and dragging her away. "Come on! We need to get some shopping done before curfew!"

"No… wait!" Amber said as she was being dragged away. "I didn't… I didn't mean it! You know very well I was being sarcastic!" Ignoring her cries, the two girls were soon out of sight.

I sighed, allowing a smile to creep across my face, despite the grimness of the plan we were setting in motion. Bless your heart, Vanna Albright. If you weren't here, who knows how many cities that girl would have conquered by now?

Looking after them with confusion, Axel said: "Wait, she has a date tomorrow? When did that happen?"

Author's Note:

I've noticed that I update at the weirdest of times. Hey look! It's 2:30 am on a Saturday! Why am I still awake?

To this, I say, Red Bull really does give you wiings. Though the Jack is probably a significant contributing factor as well.

To adventurerXD: good guess! But you're wrong, sorry. Axel is not, in fact, based off the Axel from Kingdom Hearts, though I won't deny that he's probably my second favorite character (the first being Roxas, of course). Though Xigbar is close… and Demyx! Hm… so many to choose from.

But back on task! A good number of the characters I've introduced, or that are going to be introduced somewhat soon, have a common naming theme. I won't tell you which characters, except for, well, Axel, who you already know is part of this. If you actually get it, you just might see the story in a whole new light!

Or not! Like I actually know what I'm doing. HA.

But anyway…

Viva la feminism?