Death VIII: Life Insurance

The door to Colonel Mustangs Central Command office creaked open slowly, as a rather unusually timid looking Fullmetal Alchemist entered. He peaked around the corner; golden eyes darting nervously from side to side, as if seeking out some danger. Finally, he shut the door behind him and almost ran towards the couch in front of the Colonels' desk. Roy raised an eyebrow curiously at his youngest subordinates' actions, and smirked.

"What in the world is the matter with you Fullmetal? You act as though someone is hunting you down." He teased placing his check in the palm of his hand, eyeing the now shaking boy in front of him. Edward gulped and stood to lean over Mustangs' desk as if to whisper some horrible secret to the man.

"Someone is trying to kill me." He said hands clenching the fabric of his pants. "I think they already have, many times, I've been shot, squished and even killed by bananas'. I know I have and then I wake up in bed the next morning, only to be killed off again by the afternoon. I've narrowly avoided death today at least ten times. I have to stay away from dangerous things, you don't know how weird it feels to die everyday!"

The boy panted and glance at his superior who was giving him a strange look.

"You think I'm crazy don't you?" Edward sat back in the couch with a huff, ranting a typical 'I'm not crazy rant.' Mustang sighed deeply and stood moving from behind his desk to stand before the small teen. "I said nothing of the sort Edward. In fact that's why you're here." Ed gave the man an incredulous look.

"What?"

"Well, this morning I received a letter from an important official explaining in detail your unusual…predicament and the Fuhrer thinks that if you are indeed going to die everyday then the least the military could do is offer you good life insurance." At this Edward started and Roy placed a large stack of paperwork on his lap. "I have filled out the bulk of it for you. Normally we would offer this to soldiers who are of age and battle ready, but if we have to have a funeral for you every day then this should cover your expenses."

The boy stared down at his lap then up at Roy. He stuttered. "Life insurance? Predicament? Where is the asshole that sent you this letter? Obviously that bastard knows something I Don't!"

"That would be me." The office door once again opened and a girl with long black hair entered the room. She wore black from head to toe, with a pair of small read reading glasses on her face, her unruly hair was tied in a long braided reaching her thigh. She walked over to the Colonel and Edward barely reaching Roy's shoulder and smiled.

"Ah! Ms. Altoire, a pleasure to see you again." Mustang greeted bowing slightly. Faith returned the gesture and then turned to Ed, extending a pale hand to the boy. "I can not tell you how much of an honor it is to finally meet you in person Mr. Elric. I am Faith Altoire, author of this story."

Edward ignored her hand and growled. "Story?" he turned to Mustang.

"What the hell is this bitch talking about?" Faith pouted at being called a rude name but said nothing about it as she moved to sit beside the enraged sate alchemist. He turned to her for a moment, his eyes calculating as he took in the long knives in her thigh high boots and the revolver on her belt. His eyes widened when he noticed the sliver chain protruding from her pocket. "You're a state alchemist?" the girl glanced up from the notebook she was writing in and stared blankly at him for a second, then she chuckled to herself, waving a dismissing hand. "Oh…gracious no! I don't have the mind or patience for that. This…" she pulled out the pocket watch, clicking it open. "…Is simply a toy. I bought it on eBay."

Before Ed could question what that was, Mustang attempted to intercede, but was interrupted by the door opening once again, revealing a tall man with long silver hair, holding a try of drinks.

"Ryu-sama!" Faith exclaimed ushering the man in, and signaling him to place the drinks on the table in front of the couch. "This is my elder brother, Ryu. He was bored waiting outside, so I told him to get us some drinks. We have a long discussion ahead of us and I thought you might be thirsty. Thank you Nii-san." The man grunted nodded once and stood by the door at his full height, arms crossed menacingly.

"That was extremely thoughtful of you." Roy commented as his took his offered drink. Edward stared at the cup of orange juice before him. It was his favorite. How did this woman know that? Finding that he did not much care anymore he shrugged and reached for the glass. "As I was about to say earlier before…" Roy glanced nervously at the man at the door who was shooting them all, including Faith, a murderous glare. "…before I was interrupted. Edward you are now a part of Ms. Altoire's story. "A hundred ways to die: Edward Elric Style" She plans on having you killed a different way every chapter. That is why you have been dying a lot recently."

The boy nodded much too confused to even care to ask how that was even possible. He drank his delicious tasting drink, and tried to find a happy place in his mind.

"Take note that I do not do this because I dislike you, in fact you are my third favorite character of the FMA series, but I think it's cute when you die, because I am an anime sadist and must kill to get my relief. In reality this very scene is a chapter of my story and the only reason my brother and I are here is because it was requested that we appear by a close friend of mind who enjoys it when an author makes a cameo role and she has a huge crush on Ryu. Since this is indeed a chapter of the story, in order to keep with themes, I am sorry to say that I have to kill you now."

Edward spit out the remaining juice in his mouth as he once again eyed the gun at the girls side. He turned with wide eyes on the Colonel, a silent but desperate plea for salvation written on his face. Mustang nodded sadly, pointing to a signed contract in his hands.

"No hard feelings?" Faith asked smiling as Ed stepped back.

"Please don't do this! I don't want to be shot or stabbed…PLEASE!"

The young woman laughed slightly. "Silly boy. You have already been shot and as much as I like blood my mom would be very angry if I got it all over my clothes right before church. I like you so I got a less painful way to kill you this time." An evil glint shone in her eyes as she stood and Edward felt his heart breathing hitch as fell forward. "I poisoned your drink."

After a moment of staring at the lifeless body on the floor, Ryu finally spoke.

"Meters running and I ain't paying." He walked out the door as his sister stood startled. "O h my goodness he's right! Look at the time, where does it just go? It was nice seeing you again Colonel! Don't forget the insurance papers, saves a load off of me seeing as I'm about as poor as a dust speck. Bye!" with that she ran out the door calling for her brother to wait for her and demanding that it was his tur to pay the fair.

Roy mustang stood in his now quiet office staring down at Edward.

"Great, now everyone's going to think I killed him. That's just paperwork waiting to happen." He sighed and walked over the body to sit back at his desk.