I know I'm lying in bed teetering on the edge of slumber and wake. I fight hard to fall back into sleep but unfortunately my heavy eyelids flutter open, and I'm greeted by a bright sunny morning. I stretch with a groan and roll over to find my husband staring at me.
"Good morning, love," Tobias says. "Did you sleep well?"
"I did," I groggily say. "You exhausted me last night. I'm not sure if I slept or passed out." We laugh lightly at my little joke.
"I could say the same thing about you," he says with a smirk on his face. After finishing in the kitchen, we made love in the shower and then again in our bedroom. We just couldn't keep our hands off each other, and I'm not sorry one bit. We were long overdue.
"What time is it?" I ask.
"A little after 6:00 a.m.," he says. I listen carefully to the baby monitor but hear nothing out of the ordinary. "She's still asleep." I give him an inquisitive look. "I could tell you were wondering about our girl. I just checked on her right before you woke up."
"Oh," I say, moving closer to him. "That means we have a little time." I pull his mouth to mine and give him a long, lingering kiss. When we part, my head is fuzzy.
"Time for what? You know she'll be up soon," he says.
"Just us time," I say. "You can kiss me some more. I would like that." He smiles then proceeds to make love to my mouth with his talented tongue and lips as he explores my body with his nimble fingers. He is so good at this. I'm such a lucky girl. I still wonder from time to time why it is that he chose me out of all the girls here at Dauntless but I just close my eyes and thank God. I can't even imagine my life without him. We lie with each other, our arms and legs a tangled mess, kissing and groping each other like the horny teenagers we truly are. Quiet whining catches my attention, and I know Tessa is up. Tobias pulls his mouth from mine but doesn't immediately release me.
"I love you, Beatrice Grace," he says, his voice fill of strong emotion. "Thank you for last night. I had a wonderful time. I needed that connection with you. You know it's not just sex with us, it's so much more."
"I love you, too, Tobias," I say. "You're the one who made last night extra special for us. I liked the sundaes and sex in the kitchen, the quickie in the shower, and when you made love to me in our bed so I could look into your eyes. You always give me what I want, what I need." He kisses me again until Tessa really starts crying.
"Sorry," he says as we climb out of bed. I pull my robe over my bareness and go into Tessa's room as Tobias heads into the bathroom for his morning shower.
"Mommy's here, little one," I say. She's in the middle of the crib keening loudly, tears running down her face. My heart aches at the sight, and I mentally beat myself up as I change her diaper for not tending to her sooner. "I'm sorry, Tessa. I hate when you have tears." I sit down in the rocking chair and try to put her to my breast but she just cries louder so I get up and walk with her a little bit, shushing and bouncing her as I go. She calms down a little so I try again and this time she latches onto my nipple easily and suckles vigorously. As I sit and watch her eat, my mind wanders to Peanut and how I'm going to take care of two babies at once. I know I've had these fearful thoughts before and that woman have twins every day but this is a totally different situation. Tessa won't even be six months old when my due date arrives. Suddenly I realize tears are running down my face as panic sets in.
"What's wrong?" Tobias asks, alarm in his voice.
"How am I going to take care of two babies and a toddler?" I blubber almost incoherently. Tessa releases my nipple and looks at us trying to figure out what's wrong. I lift her to my shoulder, and she burps on the second pat.
"Do you want me to finish with her?" he asks.
"No," I say. "I want to finish feeding her." My heart starts calming and I feel reason returning. "Are you still hungry, little one?" I place her to my other breast and she continues to nurse vigorously showing no signs of slowing.
"You know you have me," he says, comfortingly running a hand up and down my arm. "You're not alone. I know it won't be easy when Teagan is born but we'll do it together. You and me … always."
"Always," I say. He gives me a peck on the lips then goes downstairs to make breakfast. "Daddy's right. Things will change when your little sister is born but Mommy and Daddy will always love you. I hope you know that." She smiles up at me, seeming to have forgiven me for being late with her breakfast. I continue to talk to her as she nurses, and she stares into my eyes like she's hanging on every word. When she's done I put her back in her crib and she starts whining again. "Little one, Mommy's just trying to find an outfit for you to wear. You don't have to get upset." I open the top drawer of her dresser and pull out an outfit Christina and Will bought for her when she was born. I've anxiously waited for it to fit, and I'm sure it will now. I lay it on her changing table and get her out of the crib. She starts cooing at me, and the look on her face seems like she's telling me off. "Is little miss crabby pants back?" She smiles when she's in my arms again. "Let's get you dressed and surprise Daddy with your cute little outfit." I lie her on the changing table and strip her out of the onesie I put her in last night then put her in a clean, dry diaper. "Will you lie still?" She's moving all around, trying to roll over. "Sometimes you are so hard to dress." I finally manage to get the pink onesie with darker pink ruffle cap sleeves, zebra print trim around the neck and legs, and a zebra print belt with a black tulle bow that says Daddy's girl in a frilly scroll across the front on her. I grab the matching dark pink hat trimmed in black with a black tulle and zebra print rosette and manage to get it on her head as she finally manages to roll over. "You're proud of yourself, aren't you?"
"Aaahh."
"I knew you were proud," I tell her as I give her a kiss. "Come on, little one. I think Daddy's almost got breakfast ready and Mommy's hungry." She coos the entire time as I walk down the stairs. I go to put her in the swing and she starts crying again. "Our girl is a little miss cranky pants this morning."
"Is she?"
"Every time I put her down, she starts crying," I say. "It's making me want to cry." A knock interrupts my thoughts, and I'm surprised to find Tyler, Avery, and Callen at the door when I open it. "Well hello!"
"Tyler wanted to come home," Avery says.
"I miss you," he says, his face falling as he hugs my legs.
"I missed you, too," I say leaning over and kissing his head. "Avery and Callen, would you like to come in? Four's making pancakes."
"We're having breakfast with my mom and dad this morning," Avery says, "so we've got to get back but thanks for the offer. Give me five, Tyler." She holds her hand out in front of him, and he smacks it with his then wraps his arms around her in a big hug. "I'm glad I got to see you this morning. I've missed you."
"Missed you, too," he says, pouting. "Will you visit me?" She squats down so they are on the same level.
"I tell you what, I'll get together with your mom and dad after initiation is over and plan on taking you to the park. Does that sound good?"
"Yeah!" he says, his eyes lighting up. "I like that."
"Well, we've got to go," Callen says. "Bye, Tris, Four. Bye, Tyler. See you later."
"Bye, Av," Tyler says as we stand in the doorway waving at our departing guests. "Bye, Cal."
"I made blueberry pancakes and bacon," Tobias says. "Who's hungry?"
"I am," I say. "What about you, Tyler? Are you hungry or did you eat at the Parrish's?"
"I hungwy," he says. "I comed home."
"Alright. Two plates please, Daddy," I say.
"Two plates coming right up," Tobias says. "Come here, buddy." He lifts Tyler into his booster seat then heads into the kitchen to plate the pancakes and bacon.
"Why Tess with you?" Tyler asks, cocking his head to one side.
"Your sister is a bit grumpy today so she's going to sit with me," I say. Tessa reaches out for Tyler and he takes her hand and makes a face at her, which makes her laugh out loud at him."
"She not gwumpy," he says, confused.
"She's happy to see you," I say. "She missed you last night just as much as Mommy and Daddy missed you." I continue to lightly bounce her in my lap as she laughs at Tyler as he makes funny faces at her. My stomach growls just as Tobias sets plates down in front of us. "Breakfast is ready."
"Awe," Tyler sing-songs when he sees the ears on the pancakes that make them resemble a cartoon character in a couple of his old movies. "Mick the Mouse!"
"I think his name is Mickey Mouse," Tobias says.
"Mick … key Mouse," he repeats.
"Do you like it?" I ask him.
"I love it," Tyler says then he starts giggling loudly. It takes me a minute to figure out what he's laughing about then I notice that I got Mickey Mouse shapes also. I glance at Tobias and he grins at me.
"I love my pancakes, too. Do you think Daddy will have what we're having?"
"Yeah!" Tyler says excitedly.
"Well it just so happens that I made myself Mickey Mouse pancakes, too," Tobias says as he sits his plate down next to mine. "Does anyone want some milk?"
"Tyler and I will take a glass, please," I say. After he pours us each a drink, he sits down at the island, and we enjoy the wonderful breakfast he prepared. When I finish, I put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher and hand Tessa to Tobias so I can take my shower. "Tyler, I'll lay out something for you to wear on your bed. Zane's outfit is a little big for you. Put it in your hamper please, and I'll make sure to get it back to Stella."
"Otay, Mommy," he says.
"I'm going to take a shower," I quietly tell Tobias. "I'll be down after bit then we can tell Tyler about our plans."
"Okay," he says. "Take your time, love. We're in no hurry."
"We going someplace?" Tyler asks, overhearing our conversation even though I was intentionally quiet.
"You'll have to wait and find out," Tobias says. He puts Tessa on her tummy on the floor in front of the couch next to Tyler, and she starts whining. Tyler lies down and gets in her face, making noises and faces to get her to laugh. "You better go, love."
"Okay," I say. I give him a quick kiss then jog up the stairs and head into Tyler's room. The shirt that happens to be on top when I open the drawer is absolutely perfect. It's a white t-shirt with black suspenders sewn into place and a faux multicolored zebra print tie. It looks like it was bought to match Tessa's little outfit. I pair it with black jean shorts and his black tennis shoes. I lay it on his bed like I told him I would then I head into the bathroom. I take a leisurely shower then dress in my black Dauntless t-shirt with the seal on the front that matches the shirt Tobias is wearing today but I pair it with black knit shorts and black flip flops instead of the jeans and combat boots he's wearing. I pull my hair into a short ponytail at the base of my neck and hold my bangs away from my face with a thick shiny black headband then put on very light makeup.
"Mommy?"
"Yeah, buddy," I say as I open the bathroom door.
"Tess gwumpy again," he says. I can tell his sister is exasperating him.
"She'll be okay."
"What if hew hungwy?" he asks. "I gwumpy when my tummy's hungwy."
"Well I don't think she's hungry but how about we check," I say. I take his hand, and he practically drags me down to the living room.
"See," he says as he points at a crying Tessa.
"I told you she was fine," Tobias says. Tyler starts pouting
"Come here, little one," I say as I pick her up. She puts her head on my shoulder but doesn't stop crying. Tobias gives me a questioning look. I'm sure he expected her to quiet down just like I did. "Are you hungry again?" I check for feeding cues but find none. "I'm going to go change her." I take her to her room and change her dirty diaper but it doesn't help so I sit in her rocker. After rocking for a while, she calms down then falls to sleep.
"How is she?" Tobias asks when I come downstairs.
"She fell asleep so I put her in bed," I say. "I think she was just fighting sleep and that's why she was so grumpy."
"Tris, have you seen the picnic basket?" Tobias asks.
"Isn't it in the island?" I say. "I swear I remember putting it away."
"I looked but I didn't see it," Tobias says. I go to the cupboard we keep it in but it isn't there. Hhm. I open the door next to it and there it sits.
"I could have sworn I put it where it belonged after our last picnic," I say as I pull it out and set it on the countertop, "but I obviously put it in the wrong cupboard. I think it's called pregnancy brain. I can't remember anything. It's frustrating."
"No worries. I should have thought to look there," he says. "Are we ready to pack it?"
"Awe we going to the pawk?" Tyler asks as he excitedly jumps up and down on the couch.
"Don't jump on the couch," Tobias says and Tyler immediately stops. "We don't want you to fall off and hurt yourself. And to answer your question, yes we are going to the park today, and before we come home we're going to the ice cream parlor." Tyler's eyes widen just a little more with each word.
"We wanted to make it a surprise," I say. "Are you surprised?"
"Yeah!" He gets down off the couch and runs to us. Tobias lifts him into his arms and gives him a big hug.
"I'm glad you're excited," he says. "We haven't had our family Sunday for so long. We knew we had to do something special today."
"I so happy," Tyler says as he throws his arms around Tobias' neck and hugs him tightly.
"I think I hear Tessa," I say. "She didn't sleep long." I find her lying on her tummy, crying loudly. "What's wrong, my little one? Why do you keep crying?" She quiets down when I tuck her just so in my arms. Her eyelids flutter a couple times before they close. I decide to rock her instead of going back downstairs in an attempt to make sure she doesn't wake up again so I sit in the rocking chair and put her against my chest.
"Love?" Tobias says. I open my eyes and look into the most handsome face in the world. "Are you about ready to go?"
"Isn't it too early?" I ask.
"No. You fell asleep," he says. "I packed the picnic basket for us. Tyler's practically bouncing off the walls with bottled up energy."
"Okay," I say.
"Do you want me to carry her?" he asks.
"No, I have her," I say. "I'm not sure what's up with her but her onesie should say Mommy's girl today because I can't put her down without her crying."
"Okay," he says. "I'll get the car and pull it around to the front of the building then come back in and carry everything down. I'll take Tyler with me."
"Okay," I say.
"You ready to go, buddy?"
"Mommy coming?" he asks when I sit on the couch.
"We're just moving the car. She and Tessa are coming with us."
"Otay," he says.
"Be good," I say.
"I will," he says. When they open the door, Christina is standing in the hallway. "Hi."
"Hey! Where are you off to?"
"We're getting the car then we're off to the park," Tobias says. "Tris is on the couch."
"Hi, Tris," she says, sticking her head through the open door.
"Hi, Christina," I say. "What are you doing today?"
"Will and I are going zip lining," she excitedly says. "I can't wait!"
"Is that today?" I ask as I remember zooming through the city last year, suspended from the thin wire. "You'll love it. It's such a thrill."
"I can't wait," she says. "We're just getting ready to gather some initiates and see if they want to go. I know Avery and Callen are going."
"Do me a favor," I say. "If you see Brody and Ana before you go, invite them along. They're both kind of loners. The group activity might help them out."
"We'll do that," she says, looking over her shoulder. "Here comes our sitter. I've got to go. Have fun at the park."
"Have fun yourself," I say. "See you later!"
"Bye!" Within minutes Tobias and Tyler come back, and we head to the park.
"Zip lining is today," I say, making conversation with Tobias.
"I know," he says. "It's another Dauntless tradition. Every year the day after visiting day members handpick some of the initiates to go to the zip line."
"I told Christina that if she and Will ran into Brody and Ana before they left to ask them to go," I say. "They need to socialize more."
"Good thinking. I agree," he says as we pull into the city park. I'm expecting it to be busy but in truth it looks deserted.
"It looks like we have the place to ourselves today," I say.
"Yeah!" Tyler says. "I get to play!"
"You sure do buddy," I say. As we turn into our favorite part of the park a flash of gray catches my attention and I gasp. "Did you do this?" I look at Tobias, and he flashes me his brilliant smile.
"I asked them if they were busy today, and they weren't so they agreed to meet us for lunch."
"Thank you," I say, leaning over and kissing his cheek. "I love you."
"Gwamma and Gwampa!" Tyler screams out the car window when he sees Mom and Dad sitting on the picnic table under the massive oak tree, and they wave as we park. Tyler can barely sit still waiting for Tobias to unbuckle his car seat. I get a still napping Tessa out of her car seat, wondering the entire time how she can sleep through her brother's excited screaming as he runs to my parents.
"Hi, Mom," I say when I reach them. "Hi, Dad."
"Hello, Beatrice," Dad says. "How are you?"
"I'm good," I say. My mom stands up and hugs me.
"You look so good," she says. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm tired one minute and full of energy the next," I quietly say. "And poor Four is the recipient of my irrational hormones." Tessa starts whining and sucking at the air. I stick my knuckle in her mouth and she grabs ahold of my hand and slowly opens her eyes. "Are you hungry, little one? Four, will you make her a bottle?"
"Sure, love," he says as he puts her diaper bag down on the table and gets her bottle and battery operated bottle warmer out.
"Is she okay?" my mom asks.
"She's been a bit grouchy the past couple of days," I say, as I gently sway her back and forth in an effort to keep her calm. She continues sucking on my finger like she hasn't eaten in days.
"Here you go," Tobias says as he hands me Tessa's bottle.
"Thank you," I say.
"Daddy, will you play with me?" Tyler asks.
"I sure will," he says. "Let's go." He jogs off toward the jungle gym with Tyler sprinting after him.
"I'll join you, too," my dad says then he follows behind them.
"How's he doing?" I ask Mom when Dad is out of earshot. "Is initiation too much for him?"
"He loves getting out of the house," she says. "He was cooped up after his surgery for far too long. It was suffocating for him, and it affected his mood. He's better now though."
"Is everything okay with you two?" I ask noticing for the first time that she seems haggard, which is out of character for her.
"Of course," she says but she's not her usual happy self.
"Are you sure?" I ask. "You can tell me anything, you know."
"Beatrice, your father and I are fine," she says. I'm not sure I believe her but I decide to respect her privacy and not pry. "How's your initiation going?" I tell her all about our troubles with the misfits including Faith and Sam's deaths. I choose to leave out what happened with the bitch though. Mom already seems to be stressed, and I don't want to add to it.
"How many initiates do you have?" I ask. "Do you have any transfers?" Transfers in and out of Abnegation are extremely rare. Tobias, Caleb, and I are in the minority.
"There are 16 initiates this year," she says. "They were all born in Abnegation, and it's one of our largest classes ever."
"It was our largest class also," I say, "and it's the first time in the history of Dauntless that there were more transfers than Dauntless-born, at least we started out that way."
"I heard that some factionless kids chose. Did you get any?"
"Yeah. Two. As a matter of fact the girl who died during the fight training was a factionless transfer. Her brother is still with us."
"That must be difficult for him," she says.
"It is but he's found Ana, another transfer, and getting to know her has helped him, at least it seems that way." I put Tessa's bottle down then put her up to my shoulder so I can burp her. After a few pats, she spits up all over my shirt. "Uh-oh! Do you have a tummy ache, sweetheart? Are you feeling better now? Is that why you've been so cranky lately?" I manage to wipe my shirt off then feed her the rest of her bottle while Mom and I continue catching up.
"Have you heard from Caleb? I feel so bad for not reaching out to him and Cara but we've been so busy."
"I saw them a couple weeks ago at Will and Christina's wedding," I say.
"I didn't know they were getting married," she says.
"It was very spur of the moment," I say. "Will planned it as a surprise. It was very romantic. I talked to them for a little bit but I was Christina's matron of honor, and I had the kids to look out for. They're busy with initiation, too. We all are so busy right now."
"That we are," she says. We watch Tyler play with Tobias and Dad, and I don't know who looks like they are having the better time.
"Do you want to see Grandma, little one?" I ask when she finishes her bottle. I hand her to my mom, and she smiles at her. Hopefully, she will be in better spirits. Luckily she didn't get any spit up on herself but my shirt is really starting to turn my stomach. "I'm going to go change my shirt. I'm glad I thought to bring a spare." I dig the gray tank top out of the diaper bag and head toward the bathroom.
"Where are you going?" Tobias hollers.
I hold up the shirt and yell, "To change my shirt." I walk purposefully toward the nice updated bathrooms that are across the street realizing that Peanut is sitting directly on my bladder. I go into the largest stall and after I relieve myself, I change into the clean, fitted shirt. When I finish, I stand in front of the full-length mirror making sure that she didn't get any spit up in my hair or anywhere else. Unfortunately, I hear her before I see her.
"I thought I was going to catch another glimpse of that birthmark on your butt cheek the way you were yelling at Four about changing. You're still pale, Stiff?" the irritatingly grating voice muses. I hate myself for it but I tense up. What's she doing here?
"Hello, Molly," I dryly say.