A/N: Quote by unknown.
I sit in my comfortable chair in the fear simulation room, waiting for Tobias to bring in the final misfit of the day, staring at the once blank wall across from me. Before initiation started, Tobias, Uriah, Christina, and I decided that it could use some sort of adornment to motivate the initiates. After a lot of research, I found a quote that I thought was appropriate: Courage is not the absence of fear but the acquired ability to move beyond fear.We had it stenciled on the freshly painted white wall in a large, bold decorative font in black with red, orange, and yellow flames flowing through it. I don't know if it helps or not but at one time or another over the past four weeks, I've witnessed each one of the initiates diligently studying it before the serum sucked them into their fear simulation.
Nothing out of the ordinary has happened during the practice sims or at least that's what Tobias has told me. I took Isobel's stern advice and haven't been hooked up to the computer in an effort to keep my blood pressure and stress under control. I've basically sat in this borderline claustrophobic room, bored to death, and observed Tobias as he witnessed the initiates face common fears like spiders, rats, bats, death, storms, war, public speaking, life outside the fence, and becoming factionless and uncommon, somewhat odd fears like beards, puppets, wind, tunnels, balloons, singing, and trees. Tobias told me that I could stay at home with the kids and start my maternity leave early but I elected to do all the paperwork instead. Until initiation started I had no idea how much time and effort was expended on the day-to-day administration. Tobias makes it look easy.
This year there were no Divergents except for Avery, which we suspected before her initial serum administration. In her first simulation, she woke up in a dimly lit windowless room surrounded by glowing orange flames, and after a couple minutes of panic, she magically made the fire dissipate on its own. When she came out from under the serum, Tobias calmly asked her how she did it not wanting to startle her, and she told us she honestly didn't know; she wished they would go away and they did. We immediately went into the back hallway out of range of cameras, prying eyes, and eavesdropping busy bodies and told her that her parents were right about their suspicions without actually using the word Divergent and gave her advice on how to hide her manipulation of the simulations. Things have changed a lot in the city over the past year but divergence is still misunderstood and feared. Thankfully, she hasn't had any further problems, and no one is none the wiser.
Tobias finally comes through the door followed closely by Murphy who automatically sits in the reclining metal chair centered in the back of the room without being prompted while he brings up her file on the computer. I can't believe this is the final practice simulation of the year. Tobias, Uriah, Christina, and I are going to show the initiates the fear landscape room tomorrow morning and then after that, Tobias and I are free until we have to witness the final tests. I'm really looking forward to catching up on my sleep over the next four days. Sitting here doing nothing but paperwork is exhausting.
"Are you ready?" Tobias asks Murphy as he picks up the last syringe laying on the small table in the corner of the room.
"Bring it on, Four," she jovially says, desperately trying to hide her nervousness. I recognize the tone immediately. All the initiates have used it at one time or another. He gives her a smirk then injects the orange liquid into a vein on the left side of her neck. I was surprised the first time we were in this room with the initiates. He just explained how the serum worked and that was that. No good luck, no you'll do fine, no nothing. When I asked him about it later, he told me that I'm the only one he ever felt compelled to prepare going into the simulation so he told me to be brave.
As we sit and watch her fade into unconsciousness, Tobias applies the necessary wires to his temples that allow him to go into her simulation. He gives me a wink and a smile before he turns away and hits the record button on the computer. I note the start time and her heart rate in the paper log then watch my husband as he gets lost in her head. I love my job and I love spending time with him but I'm so glad this is basically over. If I'm honest with myself, this room is suffocating me. If I ever have any second thoughts about not doing this again next year or ever, all I have to do is remember these past four weeks.
As I mindlessly continue charting Murphy's progress throughout her fear simulation, my thoughts wander to Drew and Molly like they do most days. They've had me completely on edge for the past month wondering what they are up to. I'm convinced they're responsible for the threatening note left on our car at the Navy Pier. I keep having nightmares about authorities showing up at our door, taking our kids away from us and giving them to Ethan Black, and making us factionless because we broke some unwritten rule stating instructors and initiates can't fraternize during initiation. Tobias assures me that can't happen … no one can take Tyler and Tessa from us because they are legally ours, and we didn't do anything that warrants being made factionless. Intellectually, I know this is true but my fears are getting the best of me, and it's driving everyone around me crazy.
Even though I'm convinced, Tobias has his doubts that Drew and Molly are the ones behind the note even though she confronted me in the ladies bathroom at the park earlier that very day. He thinks it's more likely that Marcus is messing with our heads but the juvenile tone of the note just doesn't fit his style. Unfortunately, we've been bickering about it. I'd call it full-fledged arguing but after a while he has the tendency to just smile and nod, thinking my rage is all pregnancy hormones, which really pisses me off. We had Zeke go through all the security footage near the Navy Pier from that night but he didn't see any familiar faces in the sea of people milling around the Ferris wheel and carrousel that afternoon and evening. Unfortunately, there weren't any cameras focused on the parking area but there are now.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Murphy's heart rate peak then gradually start to descend and know she has conquered whatever fear she's been facing the past five minutes or so. After a couple seconds, her eyes fly open, and she looks confused as she takes in her surroundings. When her eyes meet mine, I give her a compassionate smile, and she sits up and buries her face in her hands.
"You did very well, Murphy," Tobias says. "You can go for the evening. We'll be gathering in the cafeteria tomorrow morning after breakfast. Please don't be late."
"Okay, Four," she says. She carefully gets to her feet and makes her way out the door after making sure she's not too unsteady.
"Which fear was it this time?" I ask when the door closes behind her.
"Spiders," he says. Spiders don't exactly scare me but they do kind of freak me out. I'm glad I've never had to witness the actual simulation. He leans back in his chair with his fingers locked behind his head and looks at me. "Can you believe it's almost over?"
"You have no idea how happy that makes me," I say. "I don't know how you've done three years of this. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into but I was wrong."
"Didn't I prepare you well enough?" he asks with an easy smile on his face. I could be mistaken but I think my husband is flirting with me.
"Of course, you did," I say returning his smile but then I frown. "I just had no idea how … tiresome initiation can be on this end. Sitting in that chair," I point at the metal reclining chair, "can be terrifying and because you have to practice again and again, it is emotionally draining. However, sitting here observing the initiates is just mind-numbingly tedious." He gets out of his chair after quickly saving her file and turning off the computer and pulls me out of my chair.
"You could have been at home all this time," he says. "It was your choice to be here with me."
"I know. You're right," I say. "You won't hear another peep out of me about initiation."
"That's my girl," he says. He lowers his mouth toward mine but right before his lips land on mine a knock on the door interrupts us and we both groan. "Come in." The door opens and Zeke and Will walk in.
"Hey guys," Zeke says. "Do you two have a minute?"
"Sure," we say at the same time.
"What is it?" Tobias asks.
"I found something strange on the surveillance tapes from the day Sam was murdered," Zeke says. "It's something I overlooked until this morning."
"When he realized the significance, he called me," Will says. "I know you should have been shown the footage immediately, Four, but I made the decision to wait until the final initiate was done for the day. No need interrupting when it's so close to the end."
"What did you find?" I ask, apprehensively.
"I think it's best we show you in my office," Zeke says. This doesn't sound good. We turn off the lights and secure the room then head into the back hallway.
"Have you talked to your mom since she started her new job?" Will asks as we make our way to the control room. Two days into the fear simulation practices, I had to get Christina to cover for me with the initiates so I could go to Abnegation for the unscheduled council meeting to find a replacement council member for Helen Reiter who died of a massive heart attack on visiting day. The list of potential replacements was small but impressive with such big Abnegation names as Ellie Black; Jonah Thomson's widow, Melissa; and to my surprise, my own mother. After confirming with the rest of the council members that the members were indeed okay with the potential appointment, we voted, and Mom won by a landslide. She is highly respected in Abnegation not only because she is married to my dad but because of all of her accomplishments. After the meeting was over, Dad, Caleb, and I went to the food bank where Mom was working to give her the good news. I could tell she was thrilled and honored to be picked for such a prestigious job but I'm not 100% sure my dad shared her excitement. The more I'm around the two the more worried I get. He just doesn't seem to be the same person since his head injuries and surgery but I can't get Mom to confide in me. I just hope she's talking to someone.
"We talked late last week, and she absolutely loves it," I say. "I swear she was born for that job. She's the most selfless person I know."
"I'm glad she likes it," he says. "Christina told me you're moving into your new place soon. I bet Tyler's happy about that." Unfortunately, we haven't been able to move yet because Gunner injured his hand installing Tyler's bedroom furniture, and Zander told him to take a few weeks off to let it heal. He just started working on it again last Thursday afternoon, and we have one week left before we get to move. Tobias and I are really excited about the move but it's Tyler who is the most eager. He asks every night before bed when he gets to see his new room.
"Will, are you trying to keep my mind off of whatever Zeke found?" I ask. "Because it's not really working."
"Is it that obvious?" he asks with a sheepish grin.
"Yeah, it is," I say.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I know that it's best for you not to get stressed out right now." I stop in my tracks and put my hands on my hips, pissed. Tobias, Zeke, and Will halt when I do, nearly running into me.
"When will you all learn that keeping me in the dark stresses me out more than just telling me what's going on?" I say, exasperated … my hormones in overdrive.
"Will was just being a good friend, Tris, thinking about you and the baby," Tobias says then mumbles something unintelligible under his breath. "Maybe you should go home and rest. We'll take care of this, and I'll fill you in later."
"Don't you dare treat me like some fragile little girl, Four. I'm sick of it," I hiss, getting in his face. "I'm pregnant, not helpless."
"Zeke, Will, why don't you go on ahead. We'll catch up with you later," Tobias says, his voice low but firm, not taking his eyes off of mine. I hold his heated gaze, not backing down, while Zeke and Will walk away from us. "What's your problem now?" I narrow my eyes trying to fight the building moisture. I will not cry. I will not cry.
"Are we or are we not partners?"
"You know we are," he says, his voice devoid of feeling. He's masking how he's feeling, acting like Four.
"Then stop trying to leave me out of things just because I'm pregnant," I plead. "You have no idea how frustrating it is to have everyone second guessing me all the time ... pussyfooting around me. I know that you're just looking out for me and the baby but honestly you're annoying the hell out of me, which can't be good for Peanut either." He stares down into my eyes and irritation flashes across his face. "Baby, you have to start trusting me. I will never let anything happen to me or this baby." I run my hands over my bump. I swear if she grows much more, she's going to run out of room. He finally breaks my stare and gazes at the ceiling for a few minutes, frustratingly running his hands through his hair.
"Do you know why I worry about you so much? You are predisposed to the same disease that killed my mother, and you disregard Isobel's advice time and again about keeping your stress under control. I'm sure Evelyn thought she was doing all the right things when she was pregnant with Tessa but it didn't matter. She. Died." He takes my hands in his and gets his face in mine. "Do you have any idea what I would do if I lost you? I can't live without you, Tris, so if I am overprotective, sobeit. You've got to stop fighting me on this."
"I didn't mean to lose my temper but you're suffocating me," I say.
"That's not my intention but you know I worry about you and the baby … a lot." He abruptly straightens up and releases my hands. "And don't call me Four like that. You know I hate it." I look toward the floor and roll my eyes. We're not getting anywhere.
"We should get to the control room," I say, abruptly turning around. "Zeke and Will are waiting on us."
"This conversation isn't over," he says with an exasperated sigh. We're quiet the rest of the way to the control room. I try to determine if my irritated stubbornness is warranted, and I think it is, which causes my mood to become even darker. We walk into the control room and straight into the supervisor's office where Zeke and Will are waiting for us.
"Alright. What's this bombshell you found?" I ask, ignoring the tense atmosphere. We all stand staring at each other, unmoving. "Well?" I can't keep the irritation out of my voice. Zeke is the first to move. He closes and locks the door behind him then goes to his desk, which sits before a wall lined with monitors. All the footage playing on the screens is dizzying. I don't know how he can stand looking at it for too long. He types on his keyboard, and all the monitors go black except for one small one directly in front of his chair. He scrolls through the footage, and I can't tell exactly which part of Dauntless is scrolling across the screen since so many areas in the compound resemble each other. He gets the footage where he wants it then pauses it. He gets up from his seat and offers it to me. I thank him then sit down. I feel Tobias hovering over my right shoulder but don't acknowledge his presence. I'm still pissed at him.
"This footage is from approximately 5:00 a.m. on the same morning that Sam was killed. It's taken in an isolated hallway near the cafeteria. Like I said earlier it didn't jump out at me as particularly strange until I remembered where I saw the face." He leans over my left shoulder and hits a single key on the keyboard, and the picture come to life. My eyes are glued to the screen, waiting for the big revelation. After a couple seconds I see it.
"Holy shit!" I say, excited and terrified at the same time. "Tell me we don't have a problem, Four."