I left the building and returned again to the steady, driving rain. I stood in it for a moment, allowing the cold and dampness to temper the anger which was still roiling inside of me. My addictions were raging, and I had nothing to satiate them.
I would need to try and procure, something, anything, to manage the demons that had arisen inside of me. If necessary, I would make do with just cigarettes and alcohol when I returned to my quarters later tonight.
It was difficult to light a cigarette with my injured hand, but I was able to manage it, cupping it so the rain would not extinguish it. I greedily smoked it, wanting some relief but it did little to reduce my tension and agitation. Hopefully, the other symptoms would begin to subside soon to the level of me being able to manage them. I had five days to control my inner demons before returning to duty.
My hand was now beginning to throb. The towel had become saturated with blood and droplets were falling to the ground, mixing with the rain. I did not look forward to having it sewn up, but I only had myself to blame for being unable to control my anger. I shook my head in disgust at my lack of control and weakness. I took a final drag on the cigarette and threw the half-smoked butt away.
I briskly walked to the medical area.
The medical compound was empty of other soldiers when I arrived. The lone receiving nurse took one look at the blood soaked towel and immediately escorted me into a small treatment room. She unwrapped the towel and began examining the wound, gently holding my hand.
"What were you doing, Hauptman . . . ?" I could see her quickly scan my uniform for a name, "to receive such a deep laceration? It should heal without any permanent damage, but it will leave a nasty scar."
"It's Dietrich, Major Hans Dietrich."
The nurse looked at the hauptmann rank on my shoulders and raised an eyebrow in question, clearly doubting the rank I had provided her.
"I just recently received my promotion and have not yet had the opportunity to attach the proper insignias," I explained. Soldiers probably inflated their ranks frequently to impress her, I reasoned.
"Congratulations, 'Major', on your promotion," she responded, not completely convinced I was telling the truth regarding the promotion.
"And you are Fraulein . . .?"
"Ingried Bauder."
"Fraulein Bauder," I gave her a faint smile and short nod of respect. "A glass shattered in my hand while I was holding it," I casually told the half-truth to her. "And as for scarring, I have too many scars to count," I added frankly. "One more, especially not this scratch, will hardly make a difference."
"Odd about the glass just shattering in your hand," she commented with knitted brows. "I will be able to stich it closed myself and it won't be necessary to wake the doctor. I'll take care of it immediately. You're lucky no one else is in need of care tonight."
The nurse proceeded to thoroughly clean the wound and then began closing the deep cut with small, neat stitches. I winced as she pulled the suture through the skin.
"Am I hurting you, Major?" she asked, softening her grip on my hand without looking up.
I saw the opening with her and seized it. Perhaps feeding my opiate addiction would not be as difficult as I initially feared. I would just need to establish a constant narcotic supply from someone in the medical area. I would merely switch over to morphine since heroin was unavailable.
"No, Fraulein. Your touch is actually very gentle. It is the wound itself. My hand is beginning to throb from the laceration. Is it possible to receive something for the pain? I want to ensure I am able to return to duty shortly."
"I can see about giving you something mild. You won't have to worry about it impairing your ability for duty."
"Are you referencing morphine?" I forced myself not to sound too eager.
"Morphine?" she questioned, finally looking up. "Morphine would be overly strong for a laceration, even one this deep. Surely, you cannot be in such dire need as to require morphine?"
I said nothing, looking into her eyes, hating my mental and physical weakness, hating myself for using her to feed my addiction. I saw the nurse begin to waver under my gaze.
Her next words quickly dashed my naïve thoughts. "I am unable to administer it without a doctor's approval. I will need to wake the duty doctor and ask him to order it."
"No, please, it is not necessary to disturb him," I quickly backtracked. "The pain is already beginning to subside under your care. It should be fine shortly."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am positive. I was weak to ask for it," I responded truthfully while also cursing my bad luck.
The nurse responded with a short laugh. "Your reaction actually happens more frequently than you would suspect. I see soldiers refuse morphine who have horrific wounds and yet the same ones will beg for it when they need to have a small splinter removed." She shook her head in amusement.
The nurse returned to her work, focusing on my hand. She quickly finished the remaining stitches and neatly tied a small knot. She then dusted it with sulfa before securely bandaging it. Her head was bent down and the delicate scent of her dark, brunette hair drifted up to me, stirring another addiction within me.
Her professional demeanor interrupted my thoughts. "You will need to return in a few days to have the stitches removed. Here are additional bandages for you to change the dressing in the meantime. Or, if you like, you may return and one of the staff will change them for you."
"When do you normally work?"
"Mostly in the evening."
"Then I will return in the evenings to have you change the dressing for me," I added in my most charming voice. "We have already established a working relationship and I would care very much for it to continue."
Ingried gave me a bright smile in return and I saw a small spark behind it. I was unable to procure heroin and its passable substitute, morphine. Alcohol and nicotine were not sufficing for my current level of stress. I had one addiction remaining.
"What time are you off duty, Fraulein Bauder?" I asked, in a low seductive voice.
She looked up again from her work, slightly flushing at my words. "Please, won't you call me Ingried?"
I smiled, acknowledging her request. "Ingried, I believe you heard my question. What time are you off duty?" I repeated, more forceful than the last time. I wasn't even attempting to hide my true reason for asking her the question. It was obvious what I desired. My boldness surprised even myself. I could not imagine speaking to a nurse in such a forward manner under normal circumstances.
"I am off duty at 22:00, in just a few minutes."
"Perhaps you would care to join me for a drink afterwards?" I asked her. "I would like to show you my gratitude for your excellent care and kindness. Besides, the evening is damp and chilly. A brandy will warm you up."
The nurse gave me a hearty laugh. "The tone of your voice suggests you have more in mind than a simple brandy to show your gratitude and to warm up my insides, Major."
I gave her a wry smile, neither confirming nor denying her suggestive comment. Ingried was plumper than I cared for my women to be, but at that moment I cared little about her figure. Actually, she would do quite nicely for what I had in mind.
"But yes, I would enjoy meeting you for a drink."
"Then I will meet you outside shortly, Ingried. There is a nearby inn which remains open late."
I went outside and waited. Thankfully, the rain had stopped and the sky soon began to clear, showing the stars through the clouds. It wasn't long before she joined me.
We began walking to the inn, making small talk along the way. It wasn't wise to be out at this hour given the partisans, but I was willing to take the risk. I found the recklessness stimulating. It was a recklessness I never would have exhibited on the battleground. I attributed it to my exhaustion and inebriated state, mixed with my raging physical compulsions.
We hadn't walked far when I slipped my around her shoulders and brought her to a stop on a side street. Ingried turned to face me, looking up at me with those dark eyes.
The small spark I had seen lurking within her had grown into a low, smoldering flame. Her eyes showed me a physical desire matching my own. Even deeper, there was the same need for emotional companionship which possessed me.
Her arms slipped around my neck and she gently kissed me on my lips. I found myself responding to her kiss. The kiss began lightly and soon became sensuous, and we both opened our mouths for each other. My uninjured hand reached up to touch her dark, silky hair, wanting to release it from the prim braid framing her head.
My, God! I had forgotten what it was like to hold and taste a woman. My body was alive with re-awaking feelings and desires. My needs and longings now aroused, I began to cruelly kiss Ingried.
I wrapped my arms around her, enjoying the deepening kiss between us. My hands slipped into her coat and under her blouse to feel her bare skin. I lightly caressed her back and then I pulled her close to me, feeling the warmth of her body through the thin blouse.
Ingried tasted of life, everything my body currently wanted and demanded from a woman. My body was electrified by the simple intimacy of kissing and touching a woman again. My self-imposed ten months of celibacy from women had been far too long.
The last time I had had sex had been my final day with Agathe in Italy, shortly before I was posted to France. I could remember the intimacy as if it was yesterday, the intensity of the morning sex along with the sobering realization that it would be the final time I would be with her for the indefinite future. I had been able to release of all my frustrations within a woman I loved through sex, proving my masculinity not only to her, but also to myself.
The immorality of cheating on my fiancée would make the deed all the more delicious.
While I had no excuse for being unfaithful, I had a valid reason for doing so. I was fighting a war and could be killed tomorrow. Why shouldn't I enjoy a small measure of physical comfort when the opportunity willingly presented itself? All the men, including the priests, were behaving the same. The only man who probably had not had an affair on his wife while away at the front was my father. But then again, how could he be anything less than perfect?
I began to struggle internally with my final addiction.
Was it actually infidelity to Agathe, I asked myself? It was just sex, and what could be more natural than sex? Why should I deny myself something so critical to my well-being? And how was I to know Agathe wasn't being unfaithful to me at this very moment?
Ingried was a dark brunette, just like Agathe, with the same deep, brown eyes. I would only need to close my eyes to transpose Agathe into the nurse's body, to be transported back to my final moments with her in Italy.
And then I remembered my oath to Agathe, my promise to remain faithful to her until we were married. Up until now, I had honored my oath to her although I had had more than enough opportunities to break it with numerous women. My oath had suddenly become a significant part of me.
No, I could not be unfaithful to Agathe. I would always honor the sanctity of marriage and I considered engagement to be its equal. I had unknowingly been with a married woman for my first sexual experiences and I would never be unfaithful or cause someone else to be unfaithful again.
I pulled away from Ingried, gently pulling her hands down and removing mine from her body. I closed up her coat and buttoned it, smoothing the heavy fabric. My body felt deprived and disappointed, still craving something from the nurse to calm it down, but my mind accepted it as being wrong.
"I am truly sorry, Fraulein Bauder. I am flattered for the opportunity, but I cannot as much as I would very much like to do so." I found myself blushing, stammering over my words like a young school boy. "It would be wrong of me since I am engaged," I said gently.
She was obviously confused as to what had so suddenly changed between us. "Would it really count as being unfaithful to your engagement? Tomorrow is an unknown. Can it matter for two adults to try to have a moment of sanity and closeness with another human being during a chaotic time? What, in the face of all of that, could it hurt to share a moment of normalcy with someone else?"
I looked deep into her dark brown eyes, eyes which searched my face for a confirmation of her belief.
"I would know, Fraulein, and yes, it would matter," I said to her softly. "It would matter to me. It would matter to my fiancée. And I believe it would eventually matter to you some day."
Her face fell, the disappointment and sadness clearly showing. Here was a young woman serving her country just as I was, probably just as lonely, wanting some type of intimacy to maintain her sanity and to prove she was still a woman.
"Forgive me, Fraulein, for my poor behavior," I apologized, ashamed of my actions. "It was inappropriate and disrespectful of your position."
She attempted to smile, but instead slightly shrugged her shoulders. "I understand. Wars have a way of changing people, of having them do unexpected acts they would never dream of doing during peacetime."
"We shouldn't permit wars to change us."
I looked out into the unknown darkness and what it contained. My recklessness had placed her in a dangerous situation. "Allow me to escort you to your lodging. You should not be out alone."
I escorted her to the entrance of her quarters where I stopped before entering. I removed my cover and took her hand, lightly kissing it.
"Good night, Fraulein. Thank you again."
She leaned up and gently kissed my cheek. "Good night, Major."
I waited for her to enter before quickly leaving.