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Audition 4: Fred Flintstone
Former Occupation: Bronto Crane Operator, Part-time Police Officer
I YABBA DABBA DON'T OWN POKÉMON!
Amaxing: Well that one was good, I suppose. Any others?
BARNEY! NOT MY POKÉMON!
Amaxing: All right, that was… less good, I suppose. Anything else?
Ack, Ack, A-Dak. I don't own Pokémon.
Amaxing: I'm sorry, Fred, but I don't think you're quite the fit we're looking for, Fraternal Kinship of the Water Buffalo aside. Sorry.
Ah, it's fine.
Chapter 36: A Ranger
He stalks through the woods at night, putting evildoers in their place.
He protects the forests from fire, and the mountains from the careless treading of ignorant hikers.
His hair. Is perfect.
By day, he is mild-mannered Daniel German, Pokémon Ranger, but by night, he is…
RANGER DANGER! … Man.
What does he do?
His Ranger duties. But much better than plain old Daniel German could.
How does he do it?
With the help of his faithful partner and sidekick, Archimedes the Noctowl, of course.
Where is he now?
Bound, gagged, and locked inside of a trunk, as it were.
It's… a long story. I was alone in the Ranger Station (as I often am, since the area isn't populated enough to merit more than one) when a group of thugs held me at gunpoint, tied Archimedes and I up, and stuffed us into the back of a truck.
Not quite as long a story as I'd thought, actually, but it's emotional and historical weight? It'll make it last for DECADES. DECADES, I say!
From what the great Ranger Danger has been able to hear from inside the trunk of this car, these people are poachers, hunting Sawsbuck, so I should be ok. They'll search the woods, they won't find any because we don't have any, and then they'll let me go, presumably with an apology and a 'we really should have asked you first, huh?' All in a day's work for Ranger Danger.
So I might not be in a position to arrest them, but oh well. Win some, lose some.
Ha ha… ha… I'm dead, aren't I?
Yeah.
Holding up there, Archimedes?
I'll take the ruffling feathers and the hoots as a yes.
Ranger Danger… could use a hero right about now. Somebody cool, calm, and collected, to smoothly deal with these evildoers and then join forces with me as my sidekick!
Qwill
Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!
It's been super long since I've ridden on anybody's shoulders but Axel's and it was a little uncomfortable at first because I'd gotten used to that exact groove between Axel's clavicle and his neck but I got used to it really quickly because Vanna's actually really soft like a big, cuddly, silk-covered pillow and so it was really comfortable!
Gardevoir was out too and she was walking besides us and every now and again she'd turn back and look where we'd come from like she was worried which didn't make any sense because there wasn't anything bad happening but she seems like she worries about a lot and I guess I shouldn't be so quick to judge so I'm sorry Gardevoir because I don't want you to not be my friend because I want to keep being your friend!
I don't know why but Vanna sort of seemed uncomfortable with having me along at first which was weird because we've known each other for a while now and as I just said she's a really comfortable person but once we'd been walking for a little while she seemed to relax and that was good because then she started talking to me!
"I don't know how Axel does it," she said, picking me up and cuddling with me and tickling me in my belly, "I mean, look at you! How does he not break out into baby talk every five minutes and hug the life out of you? Who's a cute Cyndaquil? Who's a cute Cyndaquil?" I know that you think I might be making this dialogue up because Vanna doesn't normally talk like that but I swear I'm a reliable narrator and I don't make things up especially when they make me look good because I sometimes always tell the truth!
So she kept talking to me for a while and saying how cute I was and playing with me but then all of a sudden Gardevoir stopped moving and closed her eyes and she started shaking a little and Vanna got worried so she put me down to go look at her and I started getting worried but she turned out to be ok except then there was a loud BANG from somewhere up ahead! So Vanna and Gardevoir and I all hid in some nearby trees and crept forward and then oh my gosh so many people! There were a lot of big men with guns and chainsaws and there were a few really big machines that I didn't even know what they were supposed to do but they looked kind of scary.
Vanna thanked Gardevoir for warning her and bit her lip and sat thinking for a minute and then she told Gardevoir to find some mud and get herself dirty which didn't make sense to me because I'd imagine her dress is really hard to clean because I think at least parts of it might actually be part of her body but I can't really tell because I've never gotten into the sort of situation where I can check and I'm not sure I want to but yeah so Gardevoir went and found some mud and started smearing it over herself.
"Qwill," Vanna asked me, starting to smear some mud on herself too, "can you act really sick, like you have a fever of however many degrees would hurt you?" I nodded my head up and down because Shelligan taught me how to act a little and so I slumped over on the ground and started kicking my right leg at irregular intervals and started whining in a low, moaning sound and panting and when Vanna saw it she went awwwww and picked me up and hugged me and said "damn it, Qwill, how do you do that? Anyone who saw that would get their heart broken in an instant! That's good, considering what we're getting ourselves into." She sighed and said "I really liked this blouse too," which didn't make any sense to me because it was a nice looking blouse and I liked it too and I didn't see any reason why that would change but then she smeared mud on it too and actually ripped it from the collar down a little and poked a few holes on the sides of it with a stick so she looked all ragged and worn but still really cute somehow!
"All right Qwill, listen to me," she said. "Start acting like you're deathly ill, and don't stop until I tell you to, ok?" And so I nodded my head ok because I understood and Vanna smiled at me and put one of her high heel boots in her backpack so she was only wearing one which I didn't think was a good idea because we were outside and she'd probably hurt herself but I didn't worry about it and I started acting sick and then Vanna grabbed me in her arms and started crying and limping towards all the big scary men with guns and machines!
They acted all shocked and mean at first and started yelling that she shouldn't be here and that she should turn around but that was only for a few seconds because they saw Vanna and Gardevoir and me whimpering and crying and Vanna started wailing about how she needed help because I was her first Pokémon and her best friend and she didn't want to see me die and so the big men stopped yelling really quickly and started hustling over to be the first one to help us!
The first one who got over starting comforting Vanna and talking with her to figure out what had happened and Vanna made up a really good story about us being on our way to Highbank to get a badge when I just randomly came down with a fever and throwing in some random details about how I'd scraped my leg on a rock back in Severna which was true because it had happened during my fight with Daddy and she just kept crying and eventually they took her inside the cabin that was nearby and laid me down on a bed and they had somebody who wasn't a doctor but was probably the best with medicine in the group take a look at me.
Vanna just kept crying on his shoulder which I thought was impressive because according to Shelligan fake crying is a really hard skill to master and just blubbering nonsense words about how I was one of the only things she had left and stuff like that and slowly she started pulling back and composing herself and straightening herself up.
Then she acted like she'd just realized that her blouse was ripped down the front and she acted kind of embarrassed and asked if there was a shirt she could borrow and so the man went and got her a shirt from somewhere in the cabin. She started to get up and look around but the man came back before she could find anything and so she sniffled and said thank you and asked him to turn around real quick which didn't seem to really have a point because even though he couldn't see her she was still changing shirts in front of the window and so all the guys out there could see if they were looking which some of them probably were but Vanna's really weird like that sometimes.
So when she was done changing which took longer than I thought it should but I don't wear any clothes so I suppose I really can't say anything about it but anyway when she was done changing she told the guy he could turn around and he started looking at me again and Vanna sat down kind of close to him and sniffled a little and she started asking who all these people were and what they were doing here except she wasn't that direct about it, it was more like: "Wow… there's a whole lot of you here, huh?" and "I've never seen a big machine like that before, what's it do?"
The guy turned red but it wasn't really noticeable because he was pretty red in the face to begin with but I guess it was noticeable because I noticed it and he started talking and he told Vanna about how they were a hunting party and they were in the area looking for Stantler pelts which I'm pretty sure was a lie because we know all about those Sawsbuck and he said that the big machines were for chopping down trees because sometimes animal rights groups build big walls made out of trees to block hunters even though they're allowed to hunt and the walls upset the natural order and I knew that that was a lie too! But I didn't say anything because I was supposed to be acting sick and so I kept acting sick and whenever one of Vanna's questions seemed to make the man a little suspicious I'd whimper really loudly and Vanna would inch a little closer to the two of us and kind of press up against the guy a little.
Even though it was kind of a serious situation because we were in what I guess you could call the 'enemy's camp' if you wanted to and we were stealthily trying to gather information and whatnot it was actually kind of fun! I don't get to act a lot and by a lot I mean I'm pretty sure I don't get to act ever but it really is cool especially when people are buying into it! Hooray!
Iamb
The boy seems… comfortable, doing what he's doing.
Walking about, making as little noise as possible and surveying the area… it's like he's not even thinking about it. Perhaps he isn't.
I allowed him a good distance, a bit more so than I would normally give, actually, just to make sure I wouldn't be caught following him. He'd no doubt understand why I was following him, but he'd still change the way he was acting, and I couldn't have that. The only way to really measure a man is to see what he's like when no one's around.
After we'd gotten a good distance from the camp, the boy straightened up, as if hearing something. I'd heard it too… the gentle cracking of twigs beneath a boot, the subtle shuffling of clothes as a man readjusts the weapon he's carrying. I started to flash back to older, harsher times, but I shook myself out of it. There was too much happening in the present to reflect on the past.
The boy pressed himself up against a tree, looking out into the distance to see where the Hunter was coming from. Then, to my surprise, he turned the other way, walking a few paces backwards. For a minute, I thought he was coming towards me, and that my cover was blown, but after no more than a few steps he turned around again… and began to sing.
"Seventy-five thousand four-hundred and thirty-three green bottles hanging on the wall. Seventy-five thousand four hundred and thirty-three green bottles hanging on the wall, and if ONE GREEN BOTTLE should accidentally fall, they'll be seventy-five thousand four hundred and thirty-two green booottlllllles HANGING ON THE…"
"What the hell are you singing?" The Hunter asked, walking up to Axel with annoyance lining his voice. "And what exactly are you doing out here this late at night?"
"I could ask you the same question, man," Axel smiled. "I'm looking to catch some Pokémon… I've always wanted a Swellow and I heard they roost around here. Figured I could sneak up on one."
"Not like that you can't," the Hunter advised. "You have to be quiet, sneaky, you know?"
"Yeah… I know," Axel said, shrugging. "But it gets so dang boring out here alone in the middle of nowhere, I have to have something to keep me occupied." His face lit up, and he asked the man: "Oh! Could you remember for me that I was on forty-five thousand seven hundred and eighty-two, please? I'll forget. I'm awful with this sort of thing…"
"You were on seventy-five thousand four hundred and thirty-two," the Hunter corrected with a smile. "I can see what you mean about being forgetful."
"Yeah… thanks for that," the boy smiled broadly. "Axel, by the way. From a little town east of Woodale, Sunfall. Ever heard of it?"
"They've got that big circus there, right?" The Hunter asked.
"Right! Exactly! Man, I used to save my allowance for a month just to get enough cash to go? It was totally worth it, though, those performers and those Luxray tamers and those clowns. Ah, I always loved the clowns."
"You actually like clowns?" The Hunter expressed in amazement. "I think you might be the first person I've met like that… most kids are terrified of clowns."
"Well, I knew one of them personally, used to call him Mr. Bobo. He'd take me out for ice cream sometimes after the show, since I couldn't ever afford it otherwise. Nice guy."
The boy was lying… I was sure of it. There was an uncertainty present in his voice as he told the Hunter his story… but not much, I'll admit. He was doing an amazing job, casting himself as a trustworthy, sympathetic figure, and the Hunter was buying into it completely.
I had to think, then: had I bought into it so readily?
"But that's enough about me," Axel laughed, as he began to walk with the Hunter away from our camp. I crept forward silently, keeping within earshot. "What about you, man? What are you doing out here so late at night?"
"Birding," the Hunter lied, showing Axel his gun. "I'm looking to catch some Swellow too but… probably for a different reason then you. Got to put food on the table, after all?"
"Can you eat Swellow?" Axel asked, interested.
"Tastes a bit Cornish Hen," the Hunter went on. "Very good cooked on the grill with a nice barbeque rub."
"You don't say…" Axel mused. "You caught any yet? I might be in the mood to try some."
"Nah, they're a skittish breed. Can't barely get off a shot before the entire flock goes all up in a ruckus."
"Could I suggest changing guns?" Axel said, examining the rifle the Hunter was holding. "You're not going to catch any birds with that thing."
The Hunter stopped walking briefly, looking offended. "And what do you mean by that?"
"Well, a good birding rifle is light, maneuverable. Usually double-barreled, too, and it couldn't hurt to have a semi-automatic." The boy looked at the rifle again. "That bolt-action heavy-gauge thing you've got going there's better for deer hunting, you know? You've probably even got buckshot in there and, well, they call it buckshot for a reason," he smiled.
The Hunter made a full stop now, clutching the gun a little closer to his person. "All right, just who exactly are you, kid?" He questioned.
"Axel. From Sunfall. I told you that already, man, try to keep up," he smiled, continuing to walk.
The Hunter lifted his gun, and I fought the urge to dart forward and take him down. I couldn't reveal myself into I was absolutely certain of what was happening, could I? "And just what exactly do you do, again?"
Axel turned around slowly, raising his hands over his head. "I told you, I'm a Pokémon Trainer. I'm looking for Swellow."
"And what's a Pokémon Trainer like you doing knowing so much about guns and what not, huh?" The Hunter accused. This logic didn't entirely make sense to me, but it seemed enough reason for the Hunter to act suspicious.
"I… went to military school?" Axel offered.
"I don't believe that for a second," he said, drawing back the safety on the gun. "Where you really from, huh? You police? Ranger? Some sort of activist?"
"Nothing of the kind," Axel said, acting scared. "I really am just a Pokémon Trainer, see look…" he slowly grabbed his jacket and opened it, revealing two Gym Badges fastened to the inner lining.
"Hm…" the Hunter thought, still not lowering his gun. "All right, here's what we're going to do. I don't trust you, still, so I'm going to take you to some friends of mine and they'll… see if they can get anything else out of you, ok?" He walked towards Axel, nudging him with the rifle. "Get moving."
Axel breathed out slowly, gradually lowering his hands to his sides as he walked forwards. When they were level with the barrel of the gun, he ducked quickly, grasping the rifle with one hand as he twisted the man's wrist with the other. In a matter of seconds, the gun was in Axel's hands… and then he emptied it and broke it on a tree.
I didn't quite understand that, but at least it wasn't going to go off any time soon. The man, recoiling from the shock of what had happened, charged Axel blindly. Axel stepped aside, grasped the man's wrist again and, with a well placed shove on the back, sent him tumbling to the ground… roughed up, but fairly unharmed.
"All right…" Axel said with a sigh. "I didn't want to have to do this, but… here's the situation we find ourselves in," he explained as the Hunter slowly stood back to his feet. "You're going to need to come with me to see some of my friends, and we'll see what we can get out of you. Now, I don't want to hurt you so… I mean, if you could just come quietly, that'd be great. Heck, we could even pick up on sixty thousand five hundred and eighty-one where I left off, if you'd like…"
"Don't think for a second you're in control here, slick," the Hunter said, drawing a large buck knife from a waist pocket. "You either come with me now, or things are going to get ugly."
"Does it have to come to this?" Axel asked. "I mean, why is this so life-or-death important to you?"
"Like I said," the Hunter answered. "Got to put food on the table." He raised the knife. "Are you coming with me or not?"
Axel shook his head. "Nope. I got to take you in. Going with you would make that a heck of a lot more difficult."
"Fine," the Hunter said, rushing Axel with the knife. Unblinkingly, Axel grasped the man's wrist when he was no more than a foot away from him, and used the man's own force to flip him head over heels. The Hunter, now face-first on the ground, could do nothing but struggle futilely as Axel pinned the knife-wielding hand behind its owner's back and tore the weapon away.
It was Aikido, no doubt about it. Morihei Ueshiba, founder of the art, once said that a practitioner must be willing to receive ninety-nine percent of an opponent's attack and stare Death in the face in order to execute techniques without hesitation, and from the looks of it, Axel had taken those words to heart.
"You see, this is what I didn't want to do," Axel told the Hunter as he struggled. "There's nothing you can to break out of here… you're basically a Croconaw with its mouth tied shut. Now, you'll notice, if I take your arm and bend it a little this way…" He made a motion, and the Hunter stifled a scream. "You see that's what I'm going to have to do if you don't agree to come with me. If I push hard enough, your arm is going to snap, I don't care how strong you think you are, and I… don't want to do that. It's very messy. So I'm told."
The boy let go of the Hunter's arm, but did not remove his knee from his back. "Now… are you going to come answer some questions for me, or keep charging me like a drunken rhino?"
The Hunter swore under his breath, but eventually said, "Fine, you win. I'll come with you."
"You see how easy this is?" Axel laughed, helping the Hunter to his feet and pinning one of his arms behind his back. "Now let's go. We shouldn't be too far, you have no idea how close you were getting."
The Hunter swore again, struggling to try and hit Axel, but could do nothing. With a feeling of satisfaction, I darted away, back towards the camp. Everything was handled here.
Author's Note:
Sometimes, as a writer, you need to sit down and iron out the nitty-gritty details.
You've read this far, so you've probably seen that my attention to detail is… lax, at best. My strong suits, at least, I think my strong suits have always been dialogue, plot coherency, and a veritable arsenal of Chekov's guns. I could be wrong, though.
Anyway, I figured that since I've finally got some things nailed down for good, I'd do those brief little… character file things. You'll know it when you see it.
Name: Axel Rosebud Jackson
Age: 19
Birthday: December 13th
Western Zodiac: Sagittarius
Eastern Zodiac: Dragon
Blood Type: AB -
Name: Amber Marie Gold
Age: 18
Birthday: May 2nd
Western Zodiac: Taurus
Eastern Zodiac: Snake
Blood Type: A –
Name: Vanna Persephone Albright
Age: 17
Birthday: February 14th
Western Zodiac: Capricorn
Eastern Zodiac: Horse
Blood Type: B +
The current month is November.
In the Shengxiao (Eastern Zodiac), the current year is the year of the Pig.
ALSO: for those of you are wondering how I could just… randomly spring Axel being kind of kickass out of nowhere. I didn't. MWAHAHAHAHA. We've all known he can do this stuff since chapter one, remember? It's one of the first things Medici ever says:
Let me see… a little more about myself… uh… when I'm not meditating (which is all the time) I enjoy playing my triple-neck guitar (thanks to my psychic prowess, I can play on all three necks at the same time), doing aikido with my trainer (I hold back), and taking long walks on top of the cliffs of Cliffkiln while pondering classic Existential questions. Who am I? What's my purpose? Why am I the way I am?
Yeah. That was a thing. That was established. That Axel could do aikido kind of on par with Medici, I mean. Hooray for Chekov's guns! Although, I suppose that's really just foreshadowing. Or just… straight up telling you something. I'm not sure… ah well.
Viva la feminism?