She'd never imagined it would be like this-when she thought of someone (a woman like herself) giving up a piece of herself, letting her façade slip, albeit briefly, for the happiness of somebody else.

She'd imagined shrieks and wails, she'd imagined that she would stop at the doors to the ED and find that she couldn't force herself to go any further; but now, in this moment, it seemed clear that there was another way, far quieter; a way that was numb and flat, so much so that an emotion as strong as the fear she had expected would have been a relief.

She drew in a breath as she passed by reception. Noel caught her eye, the phone held against his ear. He frowned slightly as she made her way across the floor. She knew what he was thinking, she shouldn't be here, and as she placed a hand on the double doors to the ward, she found herself thinking the same thing...she shouldn't be here...

She paused as she entered the ward. The smell of it hit her – unmistakeably sterile – she only noticed it when she had been away, and now the smell of it made her nose sting and she swallowed, tasting the tang of antiseptic in the back of her throat.

She was nervous, she realised. Her stomach popped and gurgled and if she didn't lock her knees as she stood, then they began to tremble beneath the fabric of her trousers.

She glanced down at herself. Perhaps she had over done it... she wore her highest pair of Louboutins, her tightest fitting black trousers, turned up at the ankles, and a loose fitting white shirt that billowed about her wrists. She cleared her throat. Perhaps she had felt that only Mrs Beauchamp, with her glossy dark hair curled neatly about her shoulders, and her eyes perfectly lined and dark with kohl, would be able to do what she was about to do.

As she began to move again, she noticed the glances tossed in her direction, she noticed how at the sound of her heels alone, nurses flinched, junior doctors eyes widened, and porters seemed to move just that little bit faster.

She clenched her hands by her sides, trying to steady the vibration within her that seemed intent on setting her off course. Her lips were dry and she pressed them together as she paused near the nurses station. She felt the great aching lurch of nervousness within her stomach, so here it was – the fear she had been expecting.

"To what do we owe this pleasure?"

As Dr Knight spoke she felt her entire body jump and she turned to him sharply, her lips parted.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's OK, Dr Knight...it's OK..."

She let her eyes glance behind him, she could see Robyn...Lofty...

"Do you happen to know where I could find our clinical nurse manager?"

She asked, focusing on Cal again, just in time to see the slight narrowing of his eyes, and the flicker of a smile as he pursed his lips.

"Something funny, Dr Knight?"

She asked, her voice low. She was beginning to feel light headed, she could feel the prickle at the nape of her neck, and the uncomfortable warmth that seemed to creep about her hair line.

"No, no...I uh, think she's taking inventory."

He said pointedly, and he let his gaze wander to the cupboard to their left. She glanced in it's direction.

"Thank you."

She made to move towards the cupboard, but Cal placed a tentative hand on her forearm and she stopped, looking up at him with a look of mild irritation.

"You didn't receive a text message from her this morning, did you...?"

He asked, his voice lowered and he leant closer to her, close enough so that she could smell his aftershave.

She stepped back.

"Is this question in any way related to the job that you are supposed to be doing?"

She asked, though she had to clench her fists again to stop her hands from shaking.

Cal gave a brief bow of his head and followed her lead, stepping further away from her.

"No..."

She pursed her lips. She didn't trust herself to speak again. Instead she turned away from him and made her way over to the cupboard without glancing back.

She stopped before the door, she could hear the soft sound of movement from within the room beyond. She pressed down on the handle and pushed open the door.

Rita glanced up at the sound of the door opening, and paused in her list making as she realised who it was who had opened the door.

Connie glanced from Rita to the young male trainee nurse by her side, his eyes were wide and he stared at her with such obvious terror that she found herself averting her gaze to save him some discomfort.

"Nurse Freeman, a word, please?"

She spoke quietly, and it took Rita a half a second too long to respond, so shocked was she to see Connie there...

She cleared her throat.

"Excuse me."

She murmured to the nurse by her side and handed him the list before making her way over to Connie, standing close to her in the small doorway. She looked up at her, she could smell her perfume, and now, up close, she could see the tension at the corners of her eyes, the skin their pale, creased, and paper thin.

"Are you ok?"

Connie spoke softly, but still, in the small room, her voice carried and the trainee nurse glanced across at her.

She watched as Rita frowned slightly and glanced away, her cheeks were faintly flushed, and her dark eyes were tired and rimmed with pink as though she had been crying. She wanted to touch her, to reach out for her as she began to feel a longing so great, so sharp, that she felt it would mount, and mount, until she felt it would kill her.

Connie glanced again to the trainee nurse and she knew, though he was methodically ticking off items on the list, that he was listening to them.

"Could you gather all available staff to the nurses station in fifteen minutes...please?"

She spoke with the authority that she always used at work, but right now, with Rita, it seemed so false that surely the other nurse watching them would realise...

Rita looked momentarily confused.

"O-kay...?"

She frowned, and looked up at Connie, searching for something behind the hazel eyes that met her own.

"Thank you."

Connie drew in a long breath filled with the words she couldn't say, and exhaled before stepping back out onto the ward, still facing Rita, wishing she could tell her what she had planned...

She swallowed. Everything about her had become narrow and unimportant. She was sick to death of living falsely, she realised, she had been doing it for years in some way or another, but it was only now, looking back at Rita, with her blood shot eyes, that she knew that she had to do something about it. She had to be strong...and it was her fathers voice that she heard within her own head as she made her way to her office - 'Why wait for anything when the world was is so cock-eyed and dangerous? Why sit and stare into the mirror, too fearful of what may come to make a move?'

-.-

Thank you so much everyone, for all of the lovely messages/reviews. They've certainly made me feel much better! Don't worry, I promise I won't desert this, or any other of my stories.

I will post the next update either later today, or this evening, depending on when I have time.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed this update! Let me know what you think, as always :) xxx