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Audition 6: Dovahkiin
Former Occupation: Fiction dragon slayer/assassin/thief/werewolf/vampire/arch-mage/harbinger
Max: All right, Dovahkiin, let's hear it. About how I don't own Pokémon and such.
D: DO… NOT OWN!
Max: Oh, ok. I see what you did there. Put it in a three word shout, like your trademark, very clever. Anything else.
D: …
Max: Oh, right… you can't just talk again, you have to… wait for your voice to recharge…
D: …
M: …
D: …
M: …
D: …
M: … I don't think this will work out.
Chapter 38: The Gathering Storm
Danger
Get ready, Archimedes! The noise outside is practically pounding on top of the truck, screaming 'something's happening!'; we might be moved at any moment!
Yelling! Cursing! It's worse than I thought! Quick, execute move 37! Yes that one, Archimedes, what did you think?
Using my super Ranger dexterity powers, I rolled around the truck's trunk until I was next to Archimedes, and used one of his sharp talons to cut away at my ropes. Quicker… quicker… almost there…
But alas! It was in vain! The door to the trunk was unlocked and opened, and my act was displayed for all to see! Goodbye, world, I'm sorry I couldn't save you!
There was a moment of thunderous, anticipatory silence… and then a familiar voice broke on my ears like the sultry sound of the ocean crashing against a rocky shore. "Ranger Danger… Why am I not surprised to find you like this?"
"Trouble?" I breathed with relief. "Trouble, is that you?"
I was released from my bonds, and rolling over to face the back of the truck, I confirmed that my savior was, indeed, Vanna Albright… the most trouble any man could get into.
"Danger, are you still calling me that?" She pouted, causing an involuntary jolt to run through my chest.
"Is it still true?" I countered nonetheless, somehow keeping a cool face.
"Maaaybe," she teased, bending over me slightly as she untied Archimedes. This girl… I swear. "But we can catch up later." she waved off, displaying a somewhat uncharacteristic sense of duty. Was I rubbing off on her? "I'm sure you've noticed this, but there's quite a large number of poachers running amok in the woods right now."
"Aye, I had noticed…" I grumbled. "Cowards jumped me, eight on one! I apologize to the world, Vanna, but Ranger Danger's not that good… not yet, anyway."
"I just took out eight of them…" Vanna taunted, pointing down the hill to pile of seven sleeping hunters… and one hiding up in a tree.
"It's not quite the same thing, Trouble," I responded, grabbing some rope and heading over to the pile to tie the criminals up, "taking my shirt off would only make them more likely to kill me."
"Ranger Danger!" she stopped, acting indignant. "You honestly think that I…"
I turned around abruptly, staring at her with a knowing, 'Ranger Danger sees all' look.
She blushed, and beckoned for the man in the tree to come down and lie on the pile. "Well…" she admitted. "All right, fine. I may have had to change shirts because my other one ripped…"
I sighed, finishing tying up the mound of unconscious men with my patented Ranger Danger 100% Inescapable Knot. (Works 92% of the time!) "Trouble, Trouble… what would your mother say?"
"Great job, honey, you've made me proud. I'm glad to see you can use your sexuality to empower yourself?" she responded immediately, meriting a strange look from yours truly. She shrugged, explaining: "She's a Lipstick Feminist. You know."
"That explains so much," I said, clapping my hands together after surveying the scene. Yes, everything was in order. Time to move on to phase two of Ranger Danger's comeback strategy. "Archimedes!" I ordered, the Noctowl hooting with fervor. "Fetch me my capture styler; we've got a forest to save!"
"And by capture styler, you of course mean…"
"My Glock, yes. It's Super Effective at capturing humans."
Medici
"They're coming? What? What GPS sig… oh, never mind. He just thought about it. Well played, Mr. Buster."
As you can imagine, I was a bit shocked I hadn't picked up on this. It was entirely my fault too… I should have at least thought about it when he was activating it… ah, crap! I did even worse than I thought!
Axel started freaking out a little after getting Vanna's text. Not because the Hunters were coming, mind you, but because Vanna had somehow wound up getting herself in trouble, despite having 'just' gone for help. I, personally, wasn't worried… knowing her she had the situation completely under control… heck, she's probably 'persuaded' one or two of them to help her out by now… perhaps playing the part of poor, innocent, environmental activist with a heart of gold? That'd be pretty hot.
But no, Axel steadfastly refused to think of how hot the situation probably was, instead focusing on the small, minor detail that Vanna had found herself in the company of many strange, possibly murderous men. If I'm honest, I guess I was a bit worried about how Gardevoir was taking all of this, but I doubt any of the Hunters would hurt such a gorgeous creature, especially if it was hiding under a bed.
The Pidgey courier returned to the cave… just in time to be sent off again to tell Inigo, Gallant and that Heracross what was going on. Tough luck. I knocked Buster out with a swift kick to the head, making absolutely sure he wouldn't pull anything else over on me. Amber smacked me almost instinctively for that one, moving on immediately to rounding up the younger and weaker Sawsbuck that couldn't fight and taking shelter in the back of the cave. That Scizor, Iamb, quickly called Dwebble and Shelligan over to him, barking out orders.
"Warriors with me!" He commanded with absolute authority. "If our response is Swift, we can drive these Hunters back to their base and uproot them before they can even touch our fortifications!"
I began to stretch, kickboxing the air and getting ready to go, when Axel came over and put a hand on my shoulder. "Medici, I'm going to ask you to stay here and guard everyone. Ok?"
"What?" I yelled, shocked. "Come on, Axel, why waste me like that? There's what, thirty, forty people coming for us? I can tear through that many people easy, and you know it! Why do you keep risking people getting hurt like this?" My mind had, of course, immediately thought back to how Axel had returned me when freaking Deathwing tried to kill us. 'Dragonette'… excuse me.
Axel didn't have an answer right away… in fact, looking up at him, I immediately could tell he was mulling something over, choosing carefully what he was about to say. I decided to listen in psychically, maybe figure out what he was debating… but he blocked me out, as usual. Damn him and his Occlumency.
"I have to level the party evenly, Medici," he finally said, not quite lying, but sure as hell not telling the whole truth either. "And besides… the third rule of battle is 'hold your trump card 'til the end.'"
That stroked my ego a bit, and he knew it. I sighed, resigning myself to guard duty, and positioned myself near the mouth of the cave, going into meditation to heighten my senses. "None shall pass," I uttered dramatically, letting a surge of psychic power kick up a small windstorm around me.
"That's what I like to hear," Axel smiled, clapping me on the back before heading off into the woods.
Amber came up to the front of the cave with me, guessing pretty well that I was angry. "If you think about it…" she offered, "we're really the last line of defense, you know? We're just as important."
"Even more important, far as I'm concerned." The Sawsbuck leader, Buxton grumbled, scratching out a line in the dirt. "I'm trusting you to make sure not a single Hunter crosses this, you hear? Don't let me down."
I actually chortled at that. "Buddy, I am not in the business of letting people down."
"You're not in any business."
"You're no fun, Amber-chan."
Gallant
The Pidgey has been quite expeditious in relaying the Hunters' imminent arrival to us, and looking at the area we'd cleared at, I couldn't help but grimace at the little we'd been able to accomplish.
Granted, we had worked faster and far more efficiently than anyone could have dared dream. In the few hours we'd had, we had constructed a wall (more like a pile of logs) stretching East and North of the cave, leaving the South open to attack as was instructed. But it wasn't nearly as tall as we'd hoped, barely reaching to my chin, and we'd had to forego the West completely.
Luckily, knowing where Vanna had gone off to, and that she had run into the Hunter's camp, we knew that at least the vast majority would be coming from the South. If Inigo's quick survey of the land was correct, it was far easier to sweep around the lake from the East then the West, so our walls may actually see use and not just sit there, mocking us as the enemy poured in.
Now, there was just time to wait. We lopped down a few trees and threw them to the west, Inigo sending their trunks farther than I'd thought possible for him. Something had changed… he no longer seemed like my equal, as unbelievable as that may seem. He was… higher, somehow. He had evolved without changing physical form.
It was enough to make me start to question whether I could be of use. Perhaps it would have been better to accompany Lady Vanna. It would certainly eliminate the uneasiness welling up in my chest. Ms. Gardevoir is capable though, as is Xatu, and that Cyndaquil… well, I suppose his enthusiasm can't be matched, at least.
Lady Vanna's absence is not the only source of my uneasiness, however. I can feel them coming. It's one of the great advantages and disadvantages of possessing a sixth sense… you can almost taste the sour advance of ill intent as it creeps towards you, weapons drawn. There was a shaking now, a physical trembling of the earth that I couldn't quite place. I glanced over to Inigo, looking for an answer.
"Siege machines, no doubt," he said, an ear and a hand pressed to the ground. "Most likely for cutting through the walls; if you listen carefully enough, you can hear the whirring of saw blades."
And now it was all I could hear. The high-pitched grinding and whining sound, occasionally accompanied by a crackling tumble as it felled any tree that dared to stand in its path. I could smell smoke now, too; taste soot in the air. Suddenly, a mind entered into the area I was monitoring, finely in tune with its surroundings as only the troops of the advance guard would be. I alerted Hachi, who nodded knowingly.
"What should we do about it?" I whispered, looking to him for a command.
"Fire a warning shot," he instructed, a smile firmly planted on his face. "Let 'em know we know they're here. Might scare a few of them off."
I nodded, and immediately fired off a Psyshock, blasting the bark off the tree he was hiding behind. The Hunter jumped, yelping like a startled puppy, and fell to the ground, aiming his gun towards… anywhere. It wasn't the sort of thing that had an obvious source.
"You're trespassing," I said authoritatively (with Hachi's permission, of course). "Get away from this place, or we'll have little choice but to launch an assault."
The Hunter didn't listen to a word, of course, instead screaming back to his group: "found them! Get the cutters over here!" This time, my Psyshock struck him square in the chest, and he flew backwards, hitting a tree behind him with a satisfying 'crack'. It was drowned out, however, by the riotous sounds of war cries, ragged yells and hoarse shouts that sounded more animalistic than human.
There will be no mercy from me, sirs.
Author's Note
So, um… hi… and stuff.
Um… Skyrim. Yeah…
But I'm back! Sorry for taking so long… I've got something to make up for the wait, though!
Though… depending on how it goes over, it's the sort of thing that may actually make you hate me more.
Then again, that's never stopped me before. So let's get on with it, I guess.
I've prepared a little something that would never actually happen in the canon storyline. Something that rarely, if ever, happens in the Pokémon franchise in general, really. I figured: we have two gym leader characters now… why not see who would win in a battle?
I can see why the Pokémon franchise wouldn't do this. No one wants to be robbed of the chance to argue over whether their favorite Gym Leader would win in a fight with another one (though I think we all know that Sabrina would absolutely murder each and every other Gym Leader out there. Possibly literally, depending on which Sabrina we're talking about.)
But anyway, I decided to do that.
And…
Um…
Well…
Actually, I'm not sure if I want to share it now.
But I promised, didn't I? Don't really have a choice. Wouldn't want you guys to think I'm lazy AND untrustworthy, would I?
So without further ado, I suppose…
Um…
Well…
I guess I'll just…
Start playing Scotland the Brave at 120 BPM and…
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF FANFICTIOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOON!
VANNA ALBRIGHT!
VS!
GOOOOOOLIATH GOLD!
BEGIN!
Goliath:
When ye need to mete beats, I'm in the Elite Four
See to your defeat with my lyrical claymore
Scared to fight, Albright? Ye look pretty pale
Mortified that ye might go and chip a nail?
When I stand my ground I win, hands down
So tramp that tramp stamp out of town
This crown's mine, lass, I'm king of the mountain
Have been for thirty years, but who's countin'?
Vanna:
I think the prodigy deserves the spotlight, G
Doncha wish your lyrics were hot like me?
You've grown cold, Goldy, you're downright moldy
You're up on that hill yodeling with the oldies
You sure your soldiers all march to your moors?
Because Amber's too cute for her to really be yours
Is that why your Pokémon all have big horns?
To cover the fact that your bagpipes are torn?
Goliath:
The bombs that I'm droppin' are bigger than Bertrand's
Disaster is all you've picked up with your flirtin'
I'm seven foot seven of word-meltin' heaven
Bulldoze your team so that all SIX senses deafen
You're small, you're pathetic; you're downright inferior
Rock Wreck your train of thought like my Rhyperior
Your run as Gym Leader was a disgrace
Ye think they'd replace ME with such elated haste?
Vanna:
You're so darn tall; I thought you'd see who's best
Though I guess you miss a lot when you're possessed by my chest
You dis so small for someone so colossal
Bastiodon suits you, ya living fossil
Xatu used Future Sight, know what she learned?
That my rhymes would knock you out after just two turns
They ought to, since my flow's straight from Nir-Vanna
Won't you pleeeeeease admit you've lost? You know you wanna.
WHO WON?
WHO'S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE! (Maybe?)
eeeeEEEEpic RAP BATTLES OF FAAAAAANfiiiiiiiiiicTIIIIIII OON!
VIVA LA FEMINISM!