I'm not sure where I am but the one thing that I am certain of is that I'm trying to sleep. I'm not at home though because my bed is big, fluffy, soft, and warm, and the bed that I'm lying in now is very small with a thin, lumpy mattress. Why the hell am I so cold? I swear I hear my teeth chattering together noisily or at least I think that's what it is. Can't anyone else hear this racket? Suddenly, something warm and heavy is placed on top of me and I sigh. Oh, that's better. The clattering noise goes away but then a woman with a high-pitched nasally voice starts pestering me, asking for numbers between 1 and 10. Who would do that? I grunt at her trying to get her to leave me alone but she's very persistent. I finally give in, and when I figure out how to use my voice again, I play her little game and give her the silly numbers she's asking for. I really wish I knew what that was about. If I had the strength, I'd tell them all too just leave me alone but I don't so I try to block out the noise and get some rest.
"Tris," I hear Tobias say. He sounds so far away and, if I'm not mistaken, he's worried about something. "Beatrice Grace, there's someone here who wants to meet you." I groan. Why would he wake me up to meet a new person? It's almost as absurd as waking me to ask about numbers. Why is everyone bothering me today?
"Tessa?" I say when I hear a baby. I pry my eyes open and see Tobias staring at me. "Did you get her? She's hungry."
"Love, Tessa's not here." It takes a minute for what he says to register.
"Where am I?" I ask, looking around the unfamiliar room, confused.
"You're in the hospital," he says. Hospital? When I try to sit up, a pain moves through my abdomen, finally clearing my head.
"The baby." He smiles a brilliant smile at me. "Is she okay? Where is she?" I think I hear my Peanut but I don't see her anywhere.
"She's right here with us," he says motioning with his head a few feet away where a portable baby bed sits. "The doctors thoroughly looked her over before letting her come in your room. They gave her a clean bill of health, love. All her systems appear to be functioning as they should. She's just little."
"I want to see her," I say. "I need my baby." He gets out of the chair he moved close to my bed and picks up a remote-control-looking thing that's attached to the bedframe.
"I'm going to move you so it will be easier for you to hold her," he says. "In case you forgot, you just had major surgery."
"Are you sure she's okay, Tobias?" I worriedly ask as the bed adjusts, causing me to groan in pain. "You're not just saying that."
"See for yourself, love," he says. He goes to the baby bed that I swear wasn't there earlier and picks up the tiniest pink swaddled package I've ever seen in my life, and tears wet my eyes. "Here's your daughter, Mrs. Eaton. She's been waiting patiently to meet you." He gently places this innocent life that I created with my husband out of pure love in my arms, and I really start crying. She's small but she's perfect. I cock my head to one side trying to figure out who she looks like. I see Tobias' eyes looking back at me and my nose. She has a spattering of dark curls on her little head. Her chin looks like Tobias' and her ears are definitely mine. She is the best of both of us. "She's so beautiful."
"Yes, she is," he says sitting back down on the edge of the chair. "Isobel brought me in here after they took you to recovery and wheeled her in about half an hour later. We've been getting acquainted with each other ever since."
"Has she eaten yet?" I ask. I lightly run my finger down her cheek, and she opens her mouth and turns her head toward it. My poor baby is hungry.
"No, she's been waiting on you. The staff didn't want to confuse her by giving her a bottle. They knew you would be awake soon. Isobel told me that there may be the possibility she has trouble nursing but she wants you to try on your own first and to call if you need her for a refresher."
"Okay," I say. "Is there a nursing pillow in here?" He gets up and looks in the closet and dresser.
"I don't see one anywhere. I'll have Isobel get one for you," he says. He kisses my temple then our little Peanut's and says, "I'll be right back," then heads out the door. I gaze down at my beautiful daughter in awe, and she starts squirming then makes a face her sister often makes. It must be a Tobias face.
"Daddy said you've been waiting for me to wake up," I say. When she hears my voice, she seems to calm and stops wriggling in my arms. "Do you remember me? I'm the one who would talk to you for hours while you were growing inside me." My hand goes down to my soft tummy and I sigh. I feel so … empty. "Mommy loves you, Peanut." Tobias comes back in holding a red nursing pillow covered in pink hearts. He helps me hold her up a little bit, and I instruct him on exactly where to put the pillow then I sit my arms back down. It's the perfect height. "Can you unsnap my gown?" Tobias unsnaps the snaps on my left shoulder and it falls, revealing my heavy breast.
"Can I sit with you?" he asks.
"Of course you can," I say. He cautiously sits down on the edge of the bed being careful not to jostle it too much as I tuck Teagan into the crook of my arm, adjusting for her small size and run my forearm along her back. I support her head and neck with my thumb and forefinger behind her ears just the way Isobel taught me then I take my other hand and hold my breast in a U-shape and put it up to her mouth. She instinctually opens wide and starts suckling at my nipple but doesn't get latched on, which causes me to grimace. I reposition her a bit and offer her my breast again, and this time she latches on. I relax and watch as she suckles. She's so small that I'm afraid I might hurt her.
"You're scared," Tobias says, gently laying his hand on my leg.
"Reading my mind again?" I ask with a chuckle, trying to hide my anxiety.
"No, only your face, love," he says. "I know she's not very big. 5 pounds, 2 ounces and 17 3/4 inches long. She's just a little peanut like the first time we saw her on the ultrasound."
"Five pounds," I mutter. He kisses my temple and continues staring at our newborn nursing from my breast. "What are you thinking about, Tobias?" He raises his eyes to mine, and I see awe in them.
"We made her. She … she didn't exist. We made love and now we have this perfect little girl. I checked, 10 fingers, 10 toes. We did this." He gives me a soft awe-filled kiss. "Since Zander told us that you were pregnant, I've imagined you like this, holding my newborn daughter in your arms, feeding her from your breast, loving her the way you love me. I always imagined that she would look just like you and she does."
"I think she's the best of both of us," I say. "She has your eyes and your chin." I run my hand over her tiny head. "I know it can change but as of right now she has your hair."
"I still only see you," he says, tears wetting his eyes. He presses his lips to mine and gives me a reverential kiss, which shows me just how happy he is in this moment. "How are you feeling, love? You've had a long, rough morning."
"It's odd. I'm exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. Part of me wants to rest but the bigger part of me just wants to look at her. I love her so much. If I don't move, I don't notice the pain so much. Has there been an update on my blood pressure?" I know that blood pressure issues can last postpartum.
"It's normal," he says.
"Normal?" I ask.
"It began to stabilize the minute she was delivered," he says. "We'll have to have a long, very serious discussion before we decide to have any more kids. Apparently, being pregnant doesn't agree with your body."
"You're getting ahead of yourself aren't you, big boy," I say. "Didn't I tell you the playground was closed?"
"I thought you took that back," he says as he snickers at my comment.
"Maybe. If all our babies are this cute, I'd consider staffing Dauntless ourselves."
"I'm serious, Tris," he says, his expression changing from playful to severe in an instant. "Preeclampsia can be deadly. We both know that first hand because of Evelyn. I don't ever want to do anything that would jeopardize your health. We have three kids. That might just have to be enough."
"I understand your hesitance but maybe we should save this conversation for a time when I don't have a, what, two hour old infant at my breast. We're young. We're desperately in love, or at least I am. We have plenty of time to make that decision."
"You're right," he says. "And for the record, I'm not sure desperately in love covers how I feel about you." I smile at his compliment.
"Have you called anyone with the news?" I ask, looking up at him with love radiating from my eyes.
"I called your parents early this morning and told them you were in labor," he says. "I haven't called and given them the good news yet. I also called Will and Christina after you went in for the C-section but haven't called them back either. I told Will that we obviously wouldn't be available for the fear landscapes or the final ratings today."
"You need to text Christina and tell her that the baby and I are alright," I say. "She's probably worried sick." When he pulls his phone out of his pocket, he jostle the bed and I gasp. "I'm sorry, love. I'll be more careful." He turns on his phone and it chimes, indicating he has messages. "Wow, you're right about Christina." He sends her a quick text and almost immediately the phone rings. He sighs as he answers it. "Hi, Christina … I'm sorry I didn't think to call you back. Tris and the baby are both fine … No, she's nursing right now … I don't think that's a good idea."
"Give me the phone, I can talk to her," I say.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," I say. He hands me the phone. "Hi."
"Tris! I've been so worried."
"Everything happened so fast. One minute we were enjoying our date and the next I was in labor. It's something I won't ever forget."
"Tell me about her," she practically begs.
"Teagan Grace Prior-Eaton was born at 9:19 a.m. I had to have a cesarean because of my blood pressure. She weighs a whopping 5 pounds, 2 ounces and is 17 ¾ inches long. She's tiny but perfectly healthy."
"When can we come see her?" she asks.
"How about tomorrow?" I say. "I'm exhausted and a little loopy from whatever they gave me during the surgery. Don't you have your plate full with the fear landscapes anyway?"
"You're right," she says, although she does sound disappointed.
"I better go," I say. "And, Christina?"
"Yeah, Tris."
"I love you."
"I love you, too. Take care of your baby. I'll see you tomorrow." I give Tobias back his phone and take Peanut away from my breast. She doesn't even make a sound but she does open her eyes and frown at me, and I'm taken aback. That was my face just staring back at me. Maybe Tobias is right, maybe she does favor me. I carefully put her up to my shoulder so I can burp her.
"Is something wrong?" Tobias cautiously asks.
"She just frowned at me, and it was like looking in a mirror," I say. "It's kind of … strange looking in a little face and seeing your own." He seems to relax, and I wonder if I'm missing something.
"I told you she looks like her mommy," he says.
"Does it ever surprise you when you see your expressions in Tyler and Tessa?" I ask. I know they are Evelyn's expressions that the three have inherited but I like to think that they are exclusively his.
"It did at first, especially with Tessa. It's strange seeing your smile on someone else face, especially a girls," he says, a warm smile turning up his lips. "I'm surprised that you told Christina that you wanted her to wait to come see you. Was she okay with that?"
"I think so, although she did seem disappointed," I say. "I reminded her of the fear landscapes. There's no way she would have time to visit anyway." Peanut makes a soft little burp, and I carefully move her from my shoulder and back into my arms. Tobias fixes my gown on the left side then unsnaps the right. It takes more effort this time, but she finally latches on to my other nipple. I'm so used to Tessa's eager suckling that feeding Teagan feels strange. "Teagan Grace Eaton, you are very beautiful, and Mommy loves you very much. I'll always be here to love you and protect you. You will never feel unloved. I promise. I'll always keep you safe." I stare at her as she continues to nurse and suddenly have a strong desire to have all my kids in one place. "Tobias, I miss Tyler and Tessa. Can you go get them? I really want to see them."
"I planned on getting them after supper," he says. "You need some rest, and Tyler will be a handful."
"I know I should rest but I really want to see them," I pout. "I miss them terribly. Please, baby."
"You know I can't resist giving you what you want when you beg," he says, leaning over and kissing my forehead. "Are you sure?" I look into his face and know that he's right.
"I'll make you a deal," I say. "I'll wait to see the kids and introduce them to Teagan if you arrange for them to spend the night with us. I need my family with me right now. If you can't arrange it, I want my kids here now."
"Demanding little thing, aren't you?" he chuckles, kissing my temple. "I'll go see what I can do."
"I love you, Tobias. You've given me so much. I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that, love," he says, his face pained. "I'm the one who's unworthy. You're an absolute angel." He caresses the side of my face with the back of his fingertips then threads them into my hair and places his lips on mine for an adoring kiss. "I love you so much. You've given me quite a gift today." We both gaze at Teagan while she slowly nurses. "Thank you. You don't know what she means to me."
"I think I do," I say. "She means the same thing to me."
"Can I get you anything while I'm out?" he asks as he carefully gets to his feet.
"I could use some juice and something to eat. I'm starving."
"Orange?"
"Apple," I say.
"I'll let the nurses know you're ready for lunch, and I'll get you that juice," he says before he gives me another lingering kiss then he kisses Teagan's head. "I'll be back soon. Love you both." I love how affectionate he is today, not that he isn't affectionate on a daily basis but today love is radiating off of him. I doubt anyone could mistake him for Four today. He's just being too sweet. He pulls his phone out of his pocket as he walks out the door.
"Well, it looks like it's just you and me," I say as I carefully move Teagan to my shoulder after she stops suckling. I pat her back until she burps then I lay her on the pillow. She's sound asleep. I remove the lightweight pink blanket that is swaddling her so I can sneak a peek. Everything about her is perfect, 10 fingers and 10 toes just like her father told me. I gently lay my hand on her and it practically covers her torso. I imagine she looks miniscule in Tobias' hands. I check her diaper, which looks like it was designed to fit a toy doll instead of an infant but it's dry. Before I swaddle her again I put her against my bare chest, skin to skin like I used to do after I fed Tessa when she was a newborn. I don't know if it does anything special for them but it gives me a very strong sense of bonding. I take her blanket and cover us up. I don't want her to get cold. Someone sitting on the bed makes me open my eyes, and I find Tobias looking at me.
"Sorry I woke you," he says as he puts the apple juice on the bedside table.
"I must have just dozed off."
"You're exhausted, love. How about I take the baby and you get some rest until the cafeteria brings you some lunch?"
"I want to hold her a little while longer," I say.
"Okay. I have some good news," Tobias says. "Isobel says this is a family birthing suite so the kids are more than welcome to stay with us. I called your mom and gave her our wonderful news. She told me to tell you congratulations and that she's eager to meet her newest granddaughter. I hope you don't mind but I told her tomorrow."
"That's fine," I say.
"I arranged to pick the kids up at 5 o'clock."
"How are they doing? Is Tessa feeling alright? Do they miss us?"
"They're both fine," he says with a chuckle. "Tessa's back to normal, and I'm sure your Mom is keeping them busy so they don't have a chance to miss us." There's a knock on the door right before it unexpectedly opens and a tall, thin man in a hairnet comes in carrying a tray.
"Lunch for," he looks at a tag on the cover, "Beatrice Prior-Eaton."
"That's me," I say. He sits the covered tray on the bedside table then promptly leaves.
"I better put her back in her bed so she can rest. It's been an exhausting day for her, too," Tobias says. I want to argue but I know he's right. I can't hold her while I'm eating anyway. He very careful picks her up off my bare chest and, I'm right, she looks tiny in his massive hands. Unexplainable fear wells up in me.
"Please be careful with her," I say and he gives me an odd look.
"Of course, I will, love," he says. He carries her and her blanket to the changing table and quickly swaddles her after checking her diaper. I forgot how good he was at that. I rest my head on my pillow after closing my gown and watch him take care of our daughter.
"I just can't get over how small she is. How do they know she's alright? She's more than a month early." He gently places her in the baby bed and kisses her head.
"We have to trust the doctors," he says. "It's all we can do beside worry needlessly. Let's enjoy our daughter instead of worrying, okay?"
"Okay," I say. "I love you."
"I love you, too," he says, kissing my forehead. He pulls the tray table across my lap after he raises it so that it won't hit my incision then uncovers the tray. My stomach growls in anticipation of the wonderful meal before me.
"Would you like to share?" I ask as I take a bite of the barbeque baked chicken. "I'll never be able to eat all this."
"You eat what you can, and I'll finish the rest," he says as he lowers himself into the chair again. I make it through half the chicken, green beans, scalloped potatoes, and applesauce then turn the plate over to him. I watch him devour the remaining food as I sip the slushy apple juice.
"Can you help me into the bathroom?" I ask when he finishes the meal.
"Of course," he says with a huge smile.
"What's the grin for?"
"I felt so useless while you were in labor," he says as he moves the tray table out of the way. He adjusts the bed and pulls back the blanket so I can get up. "Now you need me."
"I always need you, Tobias," I say. "Don't doubt that … ever." He helps me out of bed and to my feet then lets me lean on him as he leads me to the bathroom. I moan with each step and groan as I lower myself to the toilet. After relieving myself, he helps me back to my feet. I wash my hands then he helps me back to bed. "I don't know what was more exhausting, labor or walking to the bathroom just now." He lowers the bed into a reclining position, and I know I'll be out soon. "Will you lie down with me? It will make it easier for me to sleep."
"Anything you want, love," he says. He eases himself into bed, and I carefully move myself, a grimace on my face the entire time, until I'm in his arms then he caresses my hair until I drift off to sleep.