I stretch and pain courses through my abdomen reminding me that I gave birth to our little Peanut just a few short hours ago. I groan and move my hand to my now soft tummy. It feels strange after months of having her inside me to no longer feel her kicks, stretches, and punches. It actually makes me feel kind of sad. When I hear whispering, I open my eyes and find Tobias sitting in the rocking chair with the baby up against his chest talking to her.
"I'm not afraid of a lot of things, Peanut. That's how I got a name you'll hear from time to time: Four. Heights, confinement, following unjust orders, and Marcus – your grandfather but I'll save that story for another time – these things have followed me around, seared into my psyche. I couldn't shake them no matter how hard I tried. That is until I met your mother then I learned a whole new meaning to the word fear.
"I was so scared when Mommy went into labor on the train. I didn't know what to do. I was terrified that something bad would happen and I would lose her and in turn lose you but thank God we made it to the hospital in time. I actually breathed a sigh of relief. Then the doctors told me Mommy had to have an operation to safely get you out of her tummy before something bad could happen to both of you because of a disease that's partially my fault. I thought I would go out of my mind with fear. I felt useless. Everything was out of my control. I paced around the waiting room like a mad man waiting for news. My friend, Zander, tried to reassure me but I was irrational and inconsolable. I owe him an apology. But here you are, safe and sound in my arms, just as beautiful as I always thought you would be; although, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine you this tiny. And the love of my life is just a few feet away, resting.
"You're pretty lucky, Peanut. You have a mother who would climb mountains, crawl through glass on her hands and knees, and walk through fire for you. Never take that love for granted because not all Mommies love the way she does. I know that from firsthand experience. Hhm. That's a story for another time, too. You remind me of her already. You're brave, a fighter. No one is going to tell you what to do. You'll do things in your own time in your own way.
"I love you so much. I'll never do anything to make you doubt that. There will be times that we're mad at each other, you may even think that you hate me but I will always be there for you no matter what. That's what Daddies are supposed to do." She makes this pitiful little whimpering sound, and he tries shushing her but she doesn't quiet down. He looks my way and color floods his cheeks when he finds my eyes on him and realizes I'm awake. "You've taken up eavesdropping, haven't you, love?"
"What can I say, talking woke me up," I say. "Is someone ready to be nursed again? I can't find a clock."
"It's almost 3:30. You've been asleep a couple hours." He gets out of the chair, readjusts the bed so I'm in a sitting position, and puts that nursing pillow where I need it. He helps me with my gown again then hands me the baby. It's just as difficult to get her to latch on as it was before but once she does, she's a natural. A nurse comes in while I am feeding her and takes my vitals and checks my pain level. I feel foolish for wondering why that nurse earlier kept asking for numbers. Before she leaves, she checks on how the baby is nursing and announces that Peanut has a good suck for a preemie.
"I never asked earlier, did you tell Tyler about his baby sister being born?" I ask as I finish nursing her.
"No, I didn't," he says, "and I asked your mom not to give the surprise away. I did tell her that she could tell Tessa since she was itching to tell someone and I thought our little one could keep a secret." I laugh and grab my stomach then wait for the pain to subside. "Are you alright?"
"I will be. You heard what the nurse said, it's a lengthy recovery," I say. "Maybe you better take her. I think she might need her diaper changed anyway." He takes her from me and changes her first diaper.
"We need to talk about something," he says as he lies a sleeping Teagan in the baby bed again. This piques my interest.
"Is something wrong?" I ask.
"Nothing's wrong. I just thought now was a good time to discuss birth control. I love this girl with all my heart but we don't need another one in a year or even sooner."
"I agree," I say. "I'll just get the shot again."
"From what I've read, it might not be safe while you're breastfeeding," he says. He picks up a pamphlet from the tray table and hands it to me. The picture on the front is a close up of a woman breastfeeding and is titled Breastfeeding-Friendly Birth Control Ideas. I look up at Tobias with raised brows and he smiles. "I was anxious and scared when you were having the C-section. I noticed this pamphlet and thumbed through it." Of course he noticed. A big naked boob on the front. What man could resist? "I had no idea there were so many different forms of birth control." I open it up and am just as surprised as he is.
"Hhm. Did you know breastfeeding under certain conditions is considered a form of birth control in itself?" We both look at each other. "I'm not sure I would want to chance it though." He sits down on the bed, and we read about the various methods.
"There's one that stands out to me as a good option but this is your body we're talking about, not mine. Do I even have a say?" he asks, quite seriously. I rest my head on his shoulder and he kisses my hair.
"We're married so I want your opinion," I say. "Besides you know my body just as well if not better than I do."
"In that case, I like the IUD method. It says it's 99% effective preventing pregnancy and can protect for five years, plus it's perfectly safe for breastfeeding. That's better than the shot," he says. I also see that it can stop my period, which would be a huge bonus.
"I actually like that idea myself," I say. "At my last prenatal appointment, Isobel said we would discuss birth control at one of the postnatal visits. This should give me an idea of what to talk to her about. Thanks."
"I hope you don't think I'm rushing anything. I'm not, I swear," he says. "Our relationship is not based on sex but …"
"It's important and will be greatly missed for the next six weeks," I say finishing his thought with a smirk on my face.
"We really do know each other, don't we?" He pulls me to him, cautious not to cause any additional pain and kisses me softly. Passion simmers just beneath the surface, and he pulls away before it can break through and burn out of control. He looks at his phone and sighs.
"I've got to stop by home and pick up a few things before I get the kids," he says. "Do you need anything before I go?"
"Yeah, I need to go to the bathroom, and I wouldn't mind another apple juice and a bottle of water," I say. He helps me to the bathroom and back into bed then gets me the drinks and sets them on the table beside me.
"Can you push her bed closer in case she needs me while you're gone?" I ask. He hesitates for a moment before parking her bed right next to me. From the angle I'm sitting, I can see inside and watch her every move.
"I'll be back soon. I love you," he says. He gently touches Teagan's head and says, "Daddy will be back soon. I love you." I watch as he walks out the door then look down at Peanut who looks smaller than she actually is in that bed. I reach out and caress her head.
"If there is one thing that I have done right in my life, my sweet baby girl, it was marrying your daddy. Not only is he the best husband in the world – he gave me you – but he's the absolute best Daddy hands down. You'll learn this. He'll love you with all his heart, and he'll protect you with all his might. If you fall down, he'll kiss your boo-boo then encourage you to get back up.
"And know this, Peanut, you came from a place of deep, deep love. I'm not sure I knew until today just how deeply I love your father. Not until I heard him with you, our little miracle. Or maybe I just fell in love with him that much more. We love you so much." I close my eyes to rest. I don't know if I actually sleep because every time she moves or breathes or makes a noise, my eyes fly open to make sure she's okay. You would think I'm a first time mother.
Before Tobias can get back, Teagan starts getting restless. I can't tell what time it is so I don't know if she's hungry or if she's just craving some attention. I gently push her bed away a couple inches then grab the remote and adjust the bed. I inch to the edge then hold my breath as I swing my legs out over the side. I take a tentative step and wish that Tobias was here but he's not. Just as I pick her up, I think that maybe I should have called one of the nurses but if I'm expected to care for her, I need to be able to do this. I cradle her close to my body and get the nursing pillow off the end of the bed and toss it up by my flat pillow. I take the two steps back and ease myself down on the bed and just sit there, resting. Whatever they gave me during the cesarean must have knocked me on my ass. I've never been this tired, and I'm the mother of an almost five month old. I inch myself back onto the bed, grunting and grimacing the entire time then hold my breath as I lift first one and then the other leg up on the bed.
"Your daddy is going to kill me when he sees I have you," I say as I manage to get myself back to my starting position. I position the nursing pillow then rest. "Are you hungry again or are you as tired as I am?" She turns her head toward my caressing finger on her cheek, and I get my answer. I just finish nursing her when the door opens.
"You need to be very quiet because your mommy is … awake," Tobias says, his voice faltering when he sees me sitting here holding the baby. "Remember that I told you I have a surprise for you?"
"Yeah!" Tyler excitedly says.
"Well come over here. We have someone we want you to meet."
"Hi, buddy," I say. I catch the confused but expectant look on his face as he walks over to my hospital bed.
"Hi, Mommy." Tobias very gently lies Tessa, who is sound asleep beside me on the bed then walks around by where Tyler is standing and lifts him in his arms and sits down on the edge of the bed. He looks all around then his eyes land on the package in my arms.
"Mommy had the baby," Tobias says. "I'd like for you to meet your baby sister. This is Teagan Grace."
"Hi, baby," he says. He leans over to get a closer look then smiles brilliantly.
"You've got to be careful with Mommy," Tobias says. "The doctors had to give her an operation to take the baby out of her tummy, and she's really sore so you've got to be really gentle with her, okay?"
"You otay?" he asks, worried. I reach out and caress his cheek.
"I'm fine, buddy. Just tired and sore but I'll be as good as new in no time."
"Not if you pick her up while no one is around," Tobias mumbles.
"I told you, Peanut," I snicker and he narrows his eyes at me.
"Tell me you at least called a nurse to help you," he pleads.
"I could but it wouldn't be the truth," I say.
"Tris," he says somewhat exasperatedly.
"I know," I say. "I just think I should be able to take care of her but maybe I pushed it a little. I won't while I'm still in the hospital. I promise."
"You know I worry," he says. Whimpering grabs my attention, and I look down at Tessa who is staring up at me with a frown on her face. And so it begins.
"I think Tessa's hungry," I say.
"I can give her a bottle," he says.
"No, I want to feed her," I say.
"Wouldn't it be easier if you just fed Teagan from now on?" he says.
"It probably would but there's something we both need to remember, Tessa's not even 5 months old yet. She needs her Mommy, too. This is what I've worried about since Zander told me I was pregnant, Tobias, but I'm going to do my best to nurse them both while I can."
"You're absolutely right," he says, sounding ashamed. He sits Tyler on the floor then takes Teagan and puts her in the baby bed. Next he walks around the bed and picks up Tessa who is chewing on her fist. "Daddy's so sorry, little one." He presses his lips against her temple, and she grins at him. I unsnap my gown so I can nurse her, and he lays her in my arms. She immediately finds my nipple and latches on, suckling eagerly.
"You don't need any coaxing do you, little one?" It's been ages since I've used a nursing pillow with her but it's coming in handy right now. While I nurse Tessa, Tobias holds Tyler so that he can see the baby, and I talk to my little one. "Do you understand what's going on? You have a baby sister now. She's not in Mommy's tummy anymore. It's going to be like she's always been here with you. You and Teagan will be as close as twins one day but I promise, no matching dresses!" She smiles at my joke, giving me hope she understands. "Mommy loves you, little one." After she finishes nursing, Tobias takes Tyler to the cafeteria and comes back with what they proclaim is a picnic lunch, which we will have in bed. Tobias sits Tyler and Tessa in the middle of the mattress then passes out turkey sandwiches, chips, and carrot sticks. While we eat, Tessa chews on her purple butterfly and grabs at all the food.
"So what do you think of your baby sister?" I ask Tyler once we are all finished with supper.
"When Daddy told me he had pwize fo me I thought it was a puppy," he pouts. I laugh then grimace.
"You otay?" Tyler asks, his eyes wide and panicky.
"I sure am. I have to remember not to laugh. It hurts my tummy," I say. "You really want a puppy, don't you?" His eyes brighten and his head eagerly bobs up and down. "Don't you think your baby sister is better than a puppy?" He narrows his eyes and thinks about this long and hard. I think we have our answer.
"I have sissy already. I don't have a puppy," he says using understandable logic. If I felt better I would hug him tightly.
"I'm afraid that a puppy just isn't in the cards right now," Tobias says. Although we haven't talked about this, I have to agree. Tyler gives him a confused look not knowing exactly what his statement means. "I'm afraid the answer is no. You can't have a puppy right now. When you are older and more responsible, we'll talk about it again, okay? Is that fair?" Tyler lowers his head and doesn't say anything for the longest time. Finally he lifts his chin, and my heart twists when I see the tears. He really wants a dog and right now I really want to give it to him. Of course, I won't. Tobias lifts him into his lap and comforts him and within minutes, he's out like a light.
"Did he have a nap today?" I ask. "It's too early for him to be asleep."
"No, he didn't," he says. "They went to the park with your mom this afternoon. He played hard so he's probably out for the night. Do you agree with my decision about the dog? I'm sorry I didn't discuss it with you first."
"As a matter of fact I do, although I wanted to give him one when he looked up at us," I say.
"I know," he says. "I did, too. It's hard being a parent."
"Yeah, it is." He gently eases himself and Tyler off the bed and sits down on the couch with him. We both know he's down for the count when Tobias changes him into his PJs and he doesn't move a muscle. After changing him, he lies him down and covers him with a blanket. He excuses himself to go to the car and get what he stopped at home for including Tessa's travel sleeper so she'll have somewhere to sleep tonight but unlike her brother, our little one is wide awake. She's jabbering and laughing, grinning from ear to ear at us. We leave Peanut in her bed so that Tessa doesn't feel left out until she needs nursed again. When I put Teagan to my breast, Tessa looks at me like, "What the hell are you doing, Mom? Those are mine." She goes as far as to start crying but Tobias finally gets her calmed down just as I'm finishing with Peanut. Is this jealousy? Is this what I have to look forward to from my daughters? Anxiety blooms in my chest, and I'm not sure I know how to do this. I think I was doing pretty well with two kids. Why did I think that three wouldn't be that different?
"Tris, are you okay?" Tobias asks, noticing my anxiety. He puts Tessa in her travel sleeper and Teagan in her bed and sits down beside me. "What's wrong, love?"
"I'm not sure I can do this," I whisper. My chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it, and I can't quite catch my breath.
"Shit," he mutters then presses the emergency button on the wall. A nurse I've never seen hurries into the room and Tobias tells her I'm having a panic attack. I must look like hell because after a glance my way she hurries out of the room and returns immediately with a syringe.
"This will calm you down and help you sleep," she says. She injects the needle into the port that Isobel put in my hand early this morning and administers something that has immediate effects, and I feel the dead weight lift off my chest and my breathing begin to normalize. The nurse checks my pulse and seems satisfied that the medication is working as intended. "While I'm here I'll get your vitals and check on Teagan's too. Okay?" I think I lied about never seeing this nurse before. This is the same bubbly blonde from the ER this morning or she has a twin.
"Okay. What did you give me? I'm breastfeeding two babies and I need to be able to do that," I say, fighting hard to keep my eyes open as she wraps a blood pressure cuff around my arm. She rattles off a word that I've never heard before and explains that it is perfectly safe to use on nursing mothers. She finishes her examination then leaves us alone. Tobias sits down beside me and picks up my hand.
"I don't know what happened just now but you can do this. You are the strongest most loving person I know. Our children are lucky to have you. If feeding them both is too much for a couple days, we can give Tessa a bottle. We have plenty of milk stored up. You don't have to do everything yourself. I'm here." I grab ahold of him ignoring the ache in my gut and lay my head on his shoulder.
"Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone," I say, my words slurring slightly from the combination of sheer exhaustion and medication. "I was overwhelmed. Tyler would rather have a puppy instead of another little sister and even though she's only four months old, I think Tessa was jealous that I was feeding another baby." He eases me back and reclines the bed.
"I want you to sleep. We'll talk about this later," he says. "I'll stay up with Tessa and give her a bottle before she goes to bed. When Teagan needs you, I'll wake you up." He kisses my head and gets up.
"Tobias, you're a good dad," I mumble then peacefully drift off.