Chapter 44. Hope you guys like. Thanks so much for all your wonderful reviews and sorry I`m not updating as quick as before. Euro cup time you know. Anyways, happy reading and tell me what you think.

Next chapter: Sonia and Kim finally have that chat and go on a mission to find out who exactly is creepy maggot man (though I think a lot of you have guessed already.)

Please don`t be afraid to criticize the story or what I`m doing. I do listen to you. I welcome criticism because I know my writing and story isn`t perfect. With your comments I feel like I`m being moved in the right direction. I want to write a story that everyone (not only myself) enjoys. Besos.

"Hey Sonia! How you feeling?" Bernie asked me as I met up with her at her locker. I told my friends I had come down with a horrible flu. "You still look a bit peaky." I look peaky?

"Better. It was a rough week."

"I heard Jacob was in a motorcycle accident."

"Yeah, he was pretty banged up."

"You went to see him didn`t you?" She raised an eyebrow at me.

"Yeah...I wanted to make sure he was okay." I muttered.

"Doesn`t he have a new girlfriend to do that? The skank?" She pressed.

"They broke up." I said quietly. Bernie made a disgusted noise.

"What happened to you Sonia?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on! You know exactly what I mean. Before Jacob came along you were different. The old Sonia wouldn`t go around all depressed if some guy screwed you over. Now...you`ve changed. You let him walk all over you for some strange reason."

"I don`t Bernie!"

"You do! Shit Sonia! I love Ollie but he pulled that type of crap with me he can say goodbye to his balls you know? You`re my best friend. I`m only looking out for you."

"I know you are but...but with Jacob..."

"You still love him. But that isn`t reason enough to let him get back in."

"Maybe it is."

"It isn`t. There is something more going on that you`re not telling me. I`m not going to press you on it because I know you will just shut me out. But I`m telling you this now. If you get back together with him now I`m going to kick your ass!"

"No you won`t."

"You wanna bet?"

"I`m not getting back together with him now, but, I can`t shut him out of my life."

"You are too soft Sonz. Just don`t come crying to me when he fucks everything up again." She shut her locker and fixed me with a defiant stare. She was being serious.

"He won`t fuck up again." I said, staring back. Bernie just snorted and picked up her back pack. "He won`t." I stated, harder this time.

"Don`t be so weak Sonia. You`re better than that." She flicked back her long hair and walked off towards her first class.

Urgghh. I knew she was right. But it was more complicated than that wasn`t it? I mean, me and Jacob are imprinted. It changes the rules a little doesn`t it? Was I making it too easy for him though? Was I taking the easy way out because I knew, for sure, that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together?

What did I want? I wanted love. I wanted to be happy. I wanted Jacob and now that he was finally mine I was questioning everything all over again! Yesterday was...perfect. But, I could see the whole sleeping in the bed thing and flirting turning into something more soon. I was pretty positive that if I didn`t have my period now I would have fucked him a couple of times over already. What a fucking head fuck!

Adjusting my bag a little I stalked towards History. Why couldn`t things go perfect for once. Why couldn`t I have my cake and eat it? Sitting down at my desk I opened up my book and folder, pretending to read. What could I do? I love Jacob. He loves me. He said he wanted to prove himself to me before we got back together so why shouldn`t I let him do just that? The ball was totally in my court. Jacob would wait until I said I wanted him as my boyfriend again. He did have his faults but for me, they weren`t big enough to stop me from loving him. We should wait until we`re both ready. When there were no more secrets between us.

So, school passed okay. I got another lecture, this time from Ollie about surprise surprise, Jacob. I listened to all he had to say. He was suspicious about the rest of the pack and how they all seemed to have skipped school or were sick during the week. It was like he was waiting for me to tell him something. Yeah right! The pack`s secret was one I would be taking to the grave. As much as I hated having to lie to Ollie it needed to be done. There was no other way. He seemed to be growing more and more pissed off with me, and I was pretty certain that he and Bernie were talking about me behind my back as they were both saying the same things to me.

That got to me, I mean, they are my friends. My best friends. But now I felt that our relationship had changed drastically. I had changed. I wasn`t the same carefree Sonia I was before, with all the shit that was going on in my life now I had to grow up. A lot of other people depended on me for support and to keep my mouth shut. Knowing that there were blood thirsty vampires out there put a bit of a dampener on my sense of adventure also. But La Push, this little place was my home, and now it didn`t seem as safe anymore. I needed to talk to Kim alone about that. Somewhere where we wouldn`t be overheard. I know I shouldn`t keep putting that conversation off but it was one I most certainly didn`t want to have any time soon.

"Sonia, why so deep in thought?" Jacob asked as he drove me to ballet class.

"Just thinking about some things."

"Like what?"

"Like...what my friends will think when they see how friendly we are to each other now."

"Huh? Since when have you cared about what other people think of you?"

"I`ve always cared, whether I like to admit that or not is another question."

"Really? I mean...you sure don`t seem like you do."

"How would you feel Jacob? Knowing that your dad was locked up for armed robbery? Knowing that he used to deal drugs? Crap, he probably sold them to peoples kids here!"

"You`re not your dad!" Jacob said angrily.

"I`m his daughter though! Born to teenage parents who were still in high school. You think I don`t know what people say about me? Or about my mom?" I argued.

"They`re idiots then."

"Bullshit! You thought the same." I said, growing more pissed off. Why was I starting a fight?

"I`m sorry about that...I just...I didn`t know you back then."

"Does knowing me make a difference?"

"Well yeah...it does."

"So I have to work extra hard to prove to everyone here that I`m not like my dad? That I`m not tainted."

Jacob pulled over and killed the engine.

"Okay Sonia. What the hell happened? Why are you upset?" He twisted in his seat so he was facing me.

"Why does everything have to be so goddamned hard?"

"Like what?"

"Like us? Like my friends? It seems that when one thing is finally going right another just goes wrong."

"What happened with your friends? Did you fight or something?"

"No. But...they`re getting annoyed with me. They know I`m hiding something. They don`t understand and I can`t tell them. I`m afraid of that they will think when me and you...eventually get back together, when you come back to school on Monday and everything is hunky dory between the two of us."

"Let them think what they want. If they were your real friends then they would understand."

"No Jacob. They are my real friends and they can`t understand. What they see is two normal teenagers, not one shape shifting vampire slaying wolf and his imprint spirit wife who are bound together with a bond that can`t be broken even by death."

"Okay I get it. They are just looking out for you then, can`t fault them for that, I mean, they saw me hurt you over and over again."

"So, what do you think I should do?"

"What you think is best. If you want to ignore me at school I can play along with that."

"Christ Jacob, I`m not ignoring you at school!"

"Then we should just play it cool, pretend to be on good terms now or something."

"I don`t like playing games."

"Me neither. Listen, I won`t be all heavy or go all imprinted on you at school. We can just...when we see each other we can talk to each other or whatever."

"Sounds good...you`re cool with that?"

"I just want you to be happy. I know how much your friends mean to you. I don`t want to cause problems there. So yeah, I`m cool with that."

"Thanks Jacob."

"Anything for you. So, we better head if you don`t want to be late."

"I don`t feel like ballet tonight."

"Then we can head back."

"No. Once I get there I`ll be fine."

"Cool. Can I watch, you know, when you are dancing?" He asked shyly.

"You want to watch?" I thought he didn`t like ballet.

"Yeah, I`ve wanted to watch you dance since forever."

"I`ll dance for you then." I answered him quietly. He smiled and blushed a little.

"Sonia. Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"You and me...I know that we are not officially back together again. I just want to know what you want to do."

"What I want to do?"

"Yeah like, what you want from me. How much you want from me."

"Oh okay. I want to know you`re here for me. That you`ll listen to me and just be you. That`s all I want." I watched as Jacob smiled a little.

"I can do that. What about how much you want from me?"

"Is that another way to say kissing and sex?"

"Well...yeah it is."

"We should...not do that for a while I think. Until we are both ready again."

"I`ll tone down my intense physical attraction for you then." He laughed which made me giggle. "I promise I won`t try anything until you say so."

"And I promise I won`t either. It`s not only you you know. I happen to like sex. A lot!"

"You are supposed to be saying why we shouldn`t!"

"I am!"

"I`ll wait. Even if you never wanted to again I`ll wait." Huh?

"I just feel that I`m not ready. The first time...we rushed it. I knew you were not over Bella and..and I just wanted you to think about me for once, I thought that sex was one thing I could give you that she wouldn`t." I admitted. Feeling my face go red I looked out the window.

"Crap Sonia, you give me more than she ever could. When..when me and her were 'going out' it felt so wrong. When she was trying to get me to have sex with her...I didn`t want to. I couldn`t even kiss her without your face popping into my head." I so didn`t want to think about him kissing her. I wanted to kill something.

"Where you very angry when I went to see the leech?" I asked, trying to change the topic.

"What do you think? Fuck...I would have killed him. Embry told you it was the day I wanted to get back with you and it was. I had everything planned out perfectly, then I got the news from Jared that you were spotted with him in Forks Diner. I was angry at you, I won`t deny that. But I can`t be hypocritical `cause I was hanging out with Bella. I just, I didn`t know how to talk to you. I didn`t know what you wanted. Once you shut yourself off it was so difficult to get through to you. I thought that, if you went to see the leech then...then you were over me or something."

"I could never be over you Jacob. What did Bella say to you, or what did you say to Bella that led to you two to get together?"

"I was livid after you left to go home, but Bella found me on the beach. She told me that she had come to her senses, that she really wanted me. She told me that Edward understood and wanted the best for her. She said...she said that if you could hurt me by going to see the one person I hated the most then you didn`t deserve me. That you were selfish and moody. I swallowed it even though I knew deep down she was wrong. If there is a person telling you what you want to hear then...it`s easy to fall for it." Fucking CUNT! Fucking Bella bitch! Now I wished I did more than punch her in the mouth. I felt so disappointed with Jacob right now. Thank God I wasn`t back together with him at the moment.

"Thanks for being honest." I mumbled. I couldn`t keep the annoyance from my voice.

"I`m sorry." He whispered, taking my hand.

"Okay...so...it`s in the past now. Just as long as you are serious about wanting me back then I can get over that."

"I am deadly serious Sonia. I know you still have your doubts about me, maybe you will for a long time but that`s why I said I`m going to show you that you are the only one for me. You can decide whether it`s enough or not."

"Okay Jacob." I said, still feeling pretty down. We lapsed into a long silence.

"I`m making you something." He said suddenly.

"You are? What?" Sensing that he wanted to get back into my good graces I melted.

"It`s a surprise." He said, wriggling his eyebrows.

"Come on, tell me. Please?"

"No no no. When it`s finished I`ll give it to you."

"Now I`m all curious."

"I hope you like it."

"If you made it then yeah I will."

"Can you give me a clue?"

"Nope, you`ll end up guessing it."

"Fine. Okay, I`ll wait. It will kill me but I`ll wait."

"It won`t kill you, it`s not that great anyway, just something small."

"Stop putting whatever it is down. Whatever it is I`ll treasure it."

"You are great..really great. You have so much heart."

"I don`t know about that."

"You do. It`s like, once you accept someone, you accept all of them. There`s no bullshit with you and you don`t take bullshit either. You accept me and you`re not afraid to tell me when I`m fucking up."

"Because I care about you."

"Don`t ever think I don`t care about you. It was just before, when I first imprinted, I didn`t know how to handle it. I didn`t know how to deal with my feelings for you. But don`t ever think I`ve never had your well being and safety in mind. From the very first moment I knew I had to keep you safe and well and it was something I was and will always be happy to do. I fucked up as a boyfriend but not as your protector."

"Now`s the time to make it right then."

"It is. It`s amazing that you`re even giving me the chance!"

"How can I not?" I laughed, incredulous. Jacob`s face changed and he suddenly looked grim.

"Exactly, how can you not?" He repeated quietly. I wasn`t dumb enough not to notice his mood had changed.

"What`s up?"

"Would you have noticed me if I never had imprinted on you?" Oh God! Why did he have to ask that?

"Eventually. Would you have noticed me?"

"That question scares me."

"Because you don`t know if you would have? It`s okay Jacob."

"It`s not."

"Why not though?"

"Because I can`t imagine never imprinting on you."

"Don`t imagine it then. Just accept the fact that you have."

"I`m trying Sonia...I really am. It`s just...I can never lose you."

"You are afraid of losing me. I get it. Just realize that I`m not going anywhere. You can never lose me."

"I won`t. I`ll keep you safe from anything that could hurt you." Oh! I got him now. He wasn`t afraid of losing my love, he was terrified of me being hurt and dying.

And he knew..he knew how fragile life was. How easy it could be for somebody you love and who loved you could be taken from you in an instant. So violently that their coffin had to be nailed shut. So suddenly that there was no time for goodbyes or one last 'I love you'.

His obsession to keep Bella alive must have been killing him because he knew he was fighting a losing battle. He didn`t want someone to die so needlessly, for selfish reasons. It must still hurt him that she would give up her life so easily, and so young.

But with me...if he let himself love me fully, if he let himself lose whatever bit of control he had over the imprint and just surrender, then, if I died, he would be destroyed completely. But everybody has to die sometime. I know I will, someday. He knew that too...that`s what`s holding him back.

"Jacob?"

"Yeah?"

"You know we`re going to be together forever right? Even, even after we die, whatever place our spirits go to, we will be together. It`s soul mates, not body mates."

"What are you talking about?" He asked, a bit confused.

"Forget it. We have all the time in the world to talk about it."

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