I look over my shoulder at Tobias' closed office door and suddenly feel very empty. How could this day turn so drastically? I know I should go back in there and work this mess out with him but I'm exhausted emotionally as well as physically right now. I absolutely hate it when we argue but I hate being in the dark even more. I turn the doorknob I didn't even realize my hand was resting on and go into the stairwell that leads to our apartment. I slowly drag each foot up one step at a time like I'm in no hurry when all I really want to do is sprint up the stairs, lie down on my big comfortable bed, and cry my eyes out.
Peanut starts whining before we get home but she doesn't fully wake up. I sway and shush her, and she quiets down. More than likely she has a wet diaper and is letting me know. I pick up the pace and quickly make my way to our apartment and up to the nursery. I carefully take her out of the sling and lay her on the changing table. While I take the carrier off and put it away, she wakes and really starts crying … loudly. I check her diaper, which is wet just like I thought it would be. I take her onsie and diaper off and carry her into the bathroom.
I swear it alone is the size of our old bedroom, and it was not a small room. Sometimes I feel guilty for living in such a palace. It seems selfish for one person to have so much. Tobias would tell me my Abnegation is showing if I were to tell him that. Apparently there was some water damage in here also so it was remodeled with the same materials as the fireplace and kitchen. I have to admit, it's gorgeous. I get her little tub out of the large linen closet in the corner by our massive his and hers walk-in closets and set it on the large counter in between the two sinks. Then I get her baby wash and shampoo out of the cupboard closest to the sizeable walk-in shower where we keep our essentials and turn the faucet on and get it to the right temperature. I dip up some water in the little plastic pail and pour it in the tub to warm up the cold plastic then carefully lay her in it. She keeps her eyes on me while I carefully wash and rinse her wispy curls, softly cooing the entire time.
"You love your baths just as much as your brother and sister do, don't you, Peanut?" I ask as I gently wash her body with a soft cloth. She looks up at me, her wide blue eyes staring intently. "Do you know how much your mommy loves you? To the moon and back. You are one of the best things that ever happened to me." I grab her cute, fuzzy pink towel with the owl hood off the top glass shelf in the center console when I finish and spread it across a dry section of countertop on the other side of the tub. I carefully pick her up, lay her on the towel, dry her off, and then wrap her up nice and snuggly before she catches a chill. "Let's get a diaper back on you, baby girl." I carry her into the nursery and put her in a fresh, dry diaper and a clean pink onesie scrawled across the front in black with "My Daddy's Crazy in Love with Me" and a pair of lightweight black pants. "Do you want to take a nap with Mommy?" I carry her into my bedroom and lie her down in the middle of my soft quilt then climb into bed and lie down beside her. She turns her head and continues to stare. "You seem very content right now, my sweet baby girl." I stroke her damp, barely there hair. She softly coos then does something she's never done before, she smiles at me. It's like my frozen heart receives a thawing blast of radiant heat with that little grin. "Did you just smile at your mommy?"
"She smiled?" Tobias asks from our open doorway. I'm so glad he's home. I love sharing her firsts with him.
"Yeah," I softly say. He kicks off his shoes and climbs up on the bed, lying down on the other side of our little Peanut.
"I'm sorry, love," he says, reaching over and tucking a lock of hair that escaped my ponytail behind my ear.
"I'm sorry, too," I say.
"You're right. You deserve the same consideration I give to Tori and Will when it comes to Dauntless business. The problem is when I look at them, I see colleagues, friends so it's easy to treat them as such but when I look at you, I only see my wife, the woman I love. I just can't treat you like everyone else. My first instinct is to protect you from all the … shit that rains down on us. I swear I'm not intentionally dismissing your feelings, Tris. I would never do that. You know that."
"I'm tired of this same argument, Tobias," I say. "I'm sure you are, too."
"I definitely am," he says. I reach out and lovingly caress his face. "Is there a solution?"
"Please try to consider what I want in the future before you protect me," I say. "That's all I'm asking."
"I can't make any guarantees," he says. "But I promise that I'll try." We lean across our daughter and share a tender kiss. "So our Peanut smiled at her Mommy."
"She sure did," I excitedly say. "I just gave her a bath and we were lying down looking at each other and from out of nowhere she smiled. Can you smile at your daddy, Teagan Grace?" Instead of smiling again her tired eyes flutter shut, and she falls asleep. Tobias gets out of bed, gently picks her up, and then puts her in the bassinet. He slides back into bed beside me after asking permission with his eyes.
"How are you feeling, love?" he asks when he has me in his arms. It feels so good to be this close.
"I'm exhausted. It feels like it's been a long day already," I say. "How do you do it? I know you must be just as tired as I am but you never look it." I know I must be pouting. "I'm a mess."
"You're beautiful," he says, kissing the tip of my nose.
"You're crazy," I say. "I'm an absolute mess."
"Love, you are exquisite." I chuckle and roll my eyes at his absurdity.
"There are dark circles beneath my eyes from lack of sleep. I haven't styled my hair or used any makeup in a month. I can't fit into any of my clothes. I'm frumpy and cranky."
"Do you want to know what I see?" he asks. "I see a fresh faced beauty who is doing a wonderful job not only taking care of our little Peanut but our other two children as well." He moves closer and presses his body to mine and tangles his legs with mine. He slowly glides his hand up to my thigh where it lingers for a moment before he moves his fingertips across my hip then to my back. It's the first time since Peanut was born that he has touched me like a lover instead of a mother, and I shudder with desire. "As for your body, I haven't noticed many differences." He runs his hand up into my hair, skimming my heavy breast along the way. "Your breasts are fuller but you are sustaining two precious little girls so that stands to reason." He places his lips on my neck and kisses his way to my mouth. My lips part when I sigh, and he slips his tongue inside. Oh God, how I've missed this. I press my body as close to his as I can, and we let our hands roam while our tongues tangle. "You're curvier, softer," he pants as he kisses his way back to my neck. He slowly moves us until he is lying on top of me but not giving me his weight. He pulls back a little and looks down at me. "I'm not hurting you am I?"
"No," I say, reaching up and caressing his face. "I want to feel you on me."
"Uh, Tris, I don't think that's a good idea," he says, shaking his head.
"Please," I plead. "I'll tell you if you're hurting me." I grab his head and pull his mouth back to mine. After a couple minutes, he relaxes and I finally feel the weight I've craved for months. I quickly check for any discomfort and don't find any. Our kiss deepens and suddenly he flips us so that I'm lying on top of him. He runs his hands from my shoulders to my behind and back several times while our lips and tongues aggressively move together. I tangle my fingers in his hair, keeping his mouth on mine then let my legs fall on either side of his hips. I feel his throbbing desire beneath me, and I moan into his open mouth.
"God, I've missed you, love, missed this but I think we need to stop before I can't." Even though the last thing I want to do is stop, I know he's right.
"You're right," I say as he rolls us back onto our sides but we don't part. I rest my head against his chest and listen as his racing heart calms.
"I hate wishing our lives away but I really can't wait until Isobel gives us the go ahead. I'm going to lock you in this bedroom for hours, maybe days." I can't help but giggle. He's thinking the exact same thing I am.
"I'm looking forward to it," I say. "I know we only have less than two weeks before my appointment but why do I think it's going to feel like forever?"
"I think I know," he says, playing with my hair, which he freed from the ponytail holder while we were rolling around on the bed. "Remember when we hadn't even made love yet and you fell off the path." A shudder moves through him into me at the disturbing memory. "One of Zander's last instructions was no sex. We were getting closer at the time but the minute we were told we couldn't do it, that's all we could think about and all we wanted to do. Well, it's all I could think about."
"Me, too," I say, pressing my lips to his.
"We just don't do so well at being told we have to wait," he says. He cups my face between his big but gentle hands and brings his mouth to mine. We move our lips together slowly until he slips his tongue into my mouth then another jolt of desire shoots through my body from deep in my belly outward. I move a hand down between our bodies and start caressing him through the rough material of his jeans. He growls … loudly and pulls his mouth from mine. "No."
"I could make you feel better," I pant. He takes a deep breath and holds it a few seconds before it rushes out and across my face. He's torn.
"I think it's pretty damn obvious that we want each other right now," he says. "But you can't make love so that means I can't either. We'll just have to be satisfied with making out."
"I think I can handle that," I say as we wrap our arms around each other. I snuggle against him, suddenly very tired. "I'll understand if you need to go back to your office."
"I'm not going anywhere. Work can wait. It will always come second to us," he says. "Avery and Callen are going to pick up Tyler and Tessa from daycare for us."
"That's nice of them," I say not moving an inch. "This is nice, just you and me like this. Maybe we could take a nap. I'm pretty tired."
"Well you do have a new baby at home," he chuckles.
"We do," I say.
"Yeah, we do," he says. "She looks just like her beautiful mother."
"I still see us both," I mumble against his chest. Once the desire leaves my body, I can't keep my eyes open. We doze off and on until the doorbell wakes us all up. Tobias jumps out of bed and hurries downstairs while I get up to comfort Peanut. I pick her up, and she quiets down but doesn't stop fussing.
"Is it super time, my sweet baby girl?" I ask. I take her into the nursery and change her diaper then go downstairs to see if Tessa's hungry, too.
"Hi, Tris," Avery says when I round the corner into the living room. She and Callen are sitting on our couch.
"Hi, Avery, Callen," I say. "Hi, buddy."
"Hi, Mommy," Tyler brightly says from Avery's lap. "Can I see my sissy?"
"She's getting hungry," I say. "She might be grumpy."
"That otay," he says, getting off her lap. I take Peanut's blanket and hand it to Tyler who spreads it on the floor. I carefully lie her on her tummy on the blanket and Tyler lies down next to her and talks to her. I tuck my legs underneath me in the club chair and Tobias puts Tessa in my lap.
"Ma ma ma ma ma ma."
"Hi, little one," I say, kissing her head.
"Tessa's starting to talk?" Avery asks, shocked.
"Oh, she's just jabbering," I say. "How are your jobs coming along, guys? It seems like so long since I've seen you." They brought a pink blanket over after we got home from the hospital but we haven't seen them since.
"I love the control room," Callen excitedly says. "It's everything I thought it would be, and as a totally unexpected bonus, I get to work with my dad. I had tossed around the idea of becoming a faction ambassador like my mom but this is so much more 'me.'"
"I'm glad you like it," I say. "Zeke said you're doing a great job. I know it must keep you busy."
"It does."
"How about you, Avery?" I ask.
"I've been spending a lot of time in the server room but I love it. I've always been interested in computers and now I'm learning so much," she says. "I need to talk to you and Four about something. I finally have a weekend off. Do you think I can spend some time with two of my favorite kids?" Tyler's head pops up when he hears this.
"You mean me?" he asks.
"Yes, I mean you and Tessa of course," she says, smiling ear to ear at him. It's easy to tell how much she loves him. "But I have to ask your mommy and daddy first."
"Peas, Mommy!" Tyler croons looking my way.
"If you'd like to take the kids for a while, I don't have a problem with that. Four?"
"Sounds like fun," he says. "Do you want to spend the day with Avery, Tyler?"
"Yeah!"
"How about Saturday then? I'll come over around 10 and pick them up. We'll go to the park and have a picnic. I know you like that, Tyler." He excitedly bobs his head up and down.
"We've got to go, Avery," Callen says. "We're having dinner tonight in the city with Dad and Abigail."
"That sounds like fun," I say. "If you're going to the Italian restaurant, you're in for a big treat."
"I think my Dad did mention something about Italian. You've been there?"
"A few times," I say. "It's amazing. You need to try the tiramisu for dessert. It's scrumptious." Teagan starts crying, which triggers Tessa's tears. Avery and Callen's eyes widen, and they quickly say their goodbyes. "Well, well. Do my girls know how to clear a room or what?" I chuckle. "Are you hungry, little one?" I get the nursing pillow out of the cupboard and sit back down. I get Tessa situated while Tobias picks Peanut up off the floor. When I'm ready, he puts her in my arms. Within a minute they're both nursing. Tobias takes Tyler into the kitchen to help make supper. About 15 minutes later, the aroma of pepperoni pizza wafts throughout the apartment, and my mouth starts to water.
"Do you need a hand?" Tobias asks.
"Yeah, can you take Peanut?" I ask. "She's finished by Tessa's not." He lifts her out of my arms after I kiss her head and pats her back twice before she burps then he puts her on the couch where he quickly swaddles her in a lightweight mint green blanket.
"Can I help?" Tyler asks from where he's standing next to Tobias.
"Sure, buddy. Take this and pull it over here." Tyler does what he's told then kisses Teagan's head.
"Mommy, we make pizza," he says, resting his chin on his hands, which are lying on the arm of my chair. "Daddy let me put the peppewoni on it. Then he let me put white cheese on top but he not let me put it in the oven." He loves helping.
"That's a good thing. You're too little to use the oven," I say.
"That what Daddy say." He sounds amazed that Mommy and Daddy think the same way.
"Great minds think alike," Tobias says, smiling warmly at me. "Why don't you help me set the table, buddy."
"Okay, Daddy," he says then runs into the kitchen.
"You're brother's crazy, little one," I say as I hear clattering and banging coming from the other room. Tessa finally loses interest in nursing so I put her up to my shoulder and it takes her no time at all to burp. The timer goes off in the kitchen so I get up and put her in her booster seat next to my chair. "Do you need any help?"
"You go ahead and sit down," Tobias says. "I've got it."
"Come on, Tyler," I say. "I'll help you up to the table." I watch as he climbs onto his chair, making sure he doesn't fall off, kiss his head, and then sit down myself. Tobias puts the pizza and a Caesar salad on the table between us but out of reach of Tessa's little grabby hands. "This looks wonderful."
"Yeah! Yummy," Tyler excitedly says. Tobias goes to the refrigerator and gets the bowl of apple salad and a pitcher of lemonade. He sits down after pouring us each a drink. He makes Tyler a plate then dishes up a plate for me and then one for himself.
The minute we finish eating, Tyler asks if he can go play, and he surprises us by going into the living room and pulling his puzzle books out instead of going to his room. I put my feet up in Tobias' lap and he rubs them gently.
"I love this," I say.
"What? Supper?"
"Our life," I say. "Although, supper was superb."
"It was, if I don't say so myself," he says. Tessa starts fussing in her booster seat so I lift her into my arms. She starts jabbering then squeals excitedly. "Are you happy tonight, little one?"
"Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma."
"Do you think she's actually saying mama?" I ask, suddenly hoping it's true.
"I think she might," he says. "She babbles and jabber then squeals and coos but the only time she says that is if she wants you or you have her."
"Are you trying to say Mommy, little one?" I ask. She puts her hand on my check then starts saying ma ma over and over. "I love you, Tessa. My super baby, trying to talk already."
"Why don't you take her into the living room, and I'll clean the kitchen up," he says.
"Okay," I say. I go into the living room and put her on the floor with her blocks. "Tyler?" He looks up at me. "Can you make sure that Tessa doesn't get ahold of your puzzle pieces? She puts everything in her mouth nowadays, and we wouldn't want her to choke."
"Otay, Mommy," he says. "I be caweful." I squat down and kiss his head.
"Love you, buddy," I say. "Mommy and Daddy will be in the kitchen cleaning things up. How about a movie afterwards?"
"Yeah!" he says. "I pick one out. Tess too little."
"Daddy brought you home that new dinosaur movie a few days ago. Maybe we can all watch that one."
"Otay!" I kiss his head again then go into the kitchen. I tiptoe up behind Tobias and wrap my arms around his waist and kiss his Dauntless tattoo through his form-fitting black tee. He sighs as I move my hands up his body from his abs to his chest.
"You're distracting me, Mrs. Eaton," he breathlessly says.
"I wanted to thank you for coming home this afternoon to talk things out," I say as he turns in my arms. "I heard a crash in your office before I came home. I thought about seeing what it was but then I figured you needed to cool off as much as I did."
"I, uh, threw something at the wall," he admits looking bashful. "You made me very angry this afternoon, probably just as mad as I made you. I threw a little tantrum then realized you were right. That's why I came home."
"Have I told you that I love you lately?" I say, reaching up and smoothing out his ruffled hair. I just noticed that he looks like he's been rolling around in bed all afternoon.
"You tell me all the time how much you love me," he says. "I look forward to you being able to show me again."
"I could show you later," I say slowly licking my lips. He grazes his hand up my body and threads his fingers in my hair, running his thumb over my parted lips as I pant noisily.
"As much as I love this beautiful mouth and how it feels on me," he moves his thumb away then presses his lips to mine, "I want to wait until we can make love together."
"You're right," I say. We hear Tessa's babbling getting closer, and we look at the edge of the island just as she pulls herself into view. "Holy crap! When did you get mobile, little one?" I go pick her up, and she kicks her legs excitedly and drools all over her fist, which is shoved in her mouth. I look at Tobias, and he shrugs, just as shocked as I am. We've both seen her move around the living room a little but she's never traveled this far before. Tears wet my eyes as I think about how much she's grown. I hug her closely, and she lays her head on my shoulder, jabbering the entire time. When I finish hugging her, her head pops up and she smiles brightly. God, she's a beauty! Tobias grabs a towel and wipes the drool from her chin.
"Ma ma ma ma ma ma."
"I got you, little one," I say.
"Can you say Daddy?" Tobias asks her but she just smiles and continues to babble.
"Oh, I think I hear your sister. Come on." I kiss Tobias' cheek then go back into the living room. I sit Tessa in the middle of her blocks then go to Peanut's bassinet. Before I get to the club chair, Tessa has moved. "Tobias, your daughter is coming to see you. Are you hungry, Peanut?" I put her to my breast, and she suckles eagerly. "Yes, you are." Tobias comes back into the living room carrying Tessa. He smells her behind and grimaces then gets a diaper and wipes out of the cupboard. He sits on the couch and changes her, which is quite a feat these days. The minute you get her on her back she wants to roll onto her stomach or try to sit up. She just won't stay still.
"Mommy, can we have popcown with the movie?" Tyler asks.
"I don't see why not but maybe you should ask Daddy."
"Daddy, can we have popcown with the movie?"
"Sure we can, buddy," he says then he looks at Tessa who is in his arms. "If I put you down, are you going to follow me?" She grins at him. He puts her down on the floor and heads into the kitchen. She likes being mobile because she army crawls right after him. I giggle and she stops and looks at me. When she notices Teagan, she frowns.
"Don't give me that look, little one. Your sister needs fed just like you do," I say but she continues staring at me with a scowl on her little face. "You're going to make Mommy sad." She finally lays her head down on her arms and starts crying. I sigh and shake my head. Tobias comes back into the living room carrying a large bowl of popcorn and several smaller empty bowl.
"What's wrong, Pebbles?" he asks as he picks her up after setting the bowls on the coffee table. The little tears in her eyes break my heart. He sits down after putting the movie in, and Tyler fills a bowl with popcorn until another kernel won't fit then settles in next to his dad to watch. When Peanut finishes nursing, Tobias puts Tessa in my arms so the girls can continue their bonding, but tonight they both fall asleep rather quickly. Tobias suggests putting them in bed but I don't let him move them. I love this time of night when I get to hold my girls in my arms. It won't be like this forever. After the movie is over, we take the kids upstairs and put them into bed. I change into a pair of sleep shorts and a tank top then slip between the sheets and cuddle into Tobias' side.
"Goodnight, baby," I say.
"Good night, love," he says but then his phone rings, shattering our quiet night. "Hello? … I just got in bed … Just wait until you have a newborn, Zeke. You'll go to bed early, too … Now … What do you want … Can't it wait until morning … Well, I can't leave Tris alone with the kids. You'll have to come here … Okay." He hangs up his phone and groans. "Zeke says he found something important. Apparently, it can break Sam and Harrison's cases wide open, and it can't wait until morning."