"I have no idea how you did it, but thank you..."
Connie allowed herself to relax back into the arm chair by the fireplace, a newly lit fire spat and hissed, glowing green and gold amongst the logs. She raised her mug to her lips, inhaling the strong scent of coffee and the smoky warmth from the fire.
Charlie swallowed and smiled. It had been a long day with Grace, but the end result had been worth it.
"I don't think she ever really wanted to be cross."
He said, resting his cup of tea on his knee and looking across at Connie, her face flickering between light and shadow as the flames fluttered and grew – glowing one moment, matt grey the next.
"She's a good kid, Connie..."
"I know, I know..."
She stared at nothing in particular and drew in a long breath.
"How are you...in yourself?"
He asked quietly, and she released the breath she held as a sigh and regained focus, glancing at him. She knew very well what he meant. And she wondered which wounds went deeper: the jagged wounds of reality, or the profound invisible bruises of the imagination? For a moment she contemplated shrugging it off. 'I'm fine...' would be so much easier to say, but this was Charlie sitting opposite her, the man who seemed to have the knack of getting her to not only realise the truth, but to speak it, too.
"I still think of it."
She whispered.
"I'm always aware of it...as though it's still inside me, like something awful I swallowed that got stuck."
She leant back in the chair and pushed the fingers of her free hand against the side of her head, her elbow resting on the arm of the chair.
"I'm sure it will fade."
She added, a vague attempt to put Charlie's mind at rest.
He nodded slowly, his fingers pressing more firmly about the cup that he held.
"Do you think counselling might-"
"Oh! No...no...I don't think that's really my thing."
She smiled as she glanced back to the fire.
"Ah, I forgot...Connie Beauchamp doesn't do emotions..."
She looked up as he spoke and saw the glimmer of amusement behind his eyes. She sighed and smiled. How was it that he just made her feel so much...better.
"I think you'd be surprised."
She readjusted herself in her seat, curling her legs up beneath her.
"I certainly bared my soul to the ED this afternoon."
He raised his eyebrows.
"How did it go?"
He asked, taking another sip of his tea, watching her through the steam that rose up in front of his eyes. She cleared her throat and widened her eyes, shaking her head and exhaling a breath through puffed out cheeks.
"Oh...fine. Better than expected I suppose. Dr Knight was certainly very pleased for us..."
"Ah..."
He smiled and held his tea against his chest.
"You know, I admire you, Connie."
He said quietly. She raised her eyebrows and blew a breath of disbelief through her lips.
"It takes an incredible amount of bravery to do what you did today, not to mention to go through everything that you've been through...and yet you're still here, going strong. You're an incredible woman, Connie."
"Oh, shh, you'll make me cry, and we both know how fond I am of emotional displays."
She murmured, but even as she spoke she had to blink back the prickle of tears and run the side of her hand beneath her eyes.
He smiled.
"You've done the hard bit."
He said.
"It will only get better."
-.-
Rita glanced in the rear view mirror to the cars behind before turning off from the main road towards the supermarket. The car purred beneath her touch, and she swallowed, unsure she could ever get used to driving such a powerful, expensive vehicle.
She licked her lips and looked at Grace from the corner of her eye.
"What do you fancy?"
She asked, turning her attention back to the road. The little girl had the ability to make her entire body tense with anxiety.
Grace raised a hand to scratch the top of her plait where it met with her head. She shrugged.
"I don't know..."
She picked at something on the dashboard and sighed, something was clearly on her mind, though she seemed to be having trouble articulating whatever it was.
"What am I supposed to call you?"
She asked before Rita could ask her anything more about what to have for dinner.
"Hmm?"
She asked, flinching as a four by four overtook them, sending a spray of bubbling muddy water against her window.
Grace looked at her pointedly, raising an eyebrow at the window with a look that quite clearly conveyed how annoyed her mother would be.
"Well, aren't you going to be my other mummy...?"
She asked, pulling her feet up from the foot well and resting them on the seat so that her knees were against her chest. Something that Rita was sure that Connie would have disapproved of.
Rita touched her tongue to her teeth. The very idea of becoming Grace's 'other mummy' made her want to laugh out loud. Instead she cleared her throat and tightened her grip on the steering wheel. She didn't know how to respond.
"I suppose you can call me what you want...within reason."
She said, not knowing what else to say.
Grace frowned and rested her chin on her knees, staring straight ahead through the windscreen.
"I tell you what."
Rita said, shifting slightly.
"You just call me Rita, for now, OK? We'll get to know one another, and if, in the future, when all of this is a little bit more 'official', you want to call me 'Mum', too, then that's absolutely fine..."
She glanced again to the little girl who sat next to her, just in time to catch the fleeting whisper of a smile before she pressed her mouth against her knees once more.
"I'm sorry for how I behaved."
She mumbled, her words muffled against her tights.
Rita stiffened, she felt as though the very seat she sat on bristled beneath her.
"Let's put it behind us. Hmm? Your mum loves you very much, I think we should do everything we can to make this easy for her, don't you?"
She asked, slowing the car down at the cross roads, catching the flash of a deer in the bushes at the side of the road.
"It doesn't feel like it."
Grace said quietly, and Rita looked across at her, unsure quite what she meant.
"You don't feel like she loves you?"
She asked. Grace just looked at her, not saying a word. And she realised, all of a sudden, that Grace's behaviour had nothing to do with the fact that her mother was seeing a woman, but that she had fallen in love – that she thought that the love that Connie gave to her was all that there was to give...she truly believed that her mother had no more love left to give to her.
"She's always working..."
Grace said quietly, her voice still muffled.
"Even when she's at home, she's always got paperwork to do. She never wants to spend time with me."
She added, as Rita pulled into the super market car park. She drove up and down the rows until she found a parking space, and it was not until she had found one, and parked, that she replied.
"Do you want to know what I think?"
She asked, pulling on the hand break and turning to face Grace properly. The little girl nodded.
"I think she's scared."
"Scared?!"
Grace lifted her head from her knees and frowned a frown so like her mothers that Rita smiled.
"I think she's always scared, or worried. She worries that she'll say the wrong thing, and that you'll argue. I think she's scared that she'll never be as good a mother as she thought she would be. I think she loves you so much that she worries about every little thing. And your Grandmother taking you to New York, as exciting as it was for you. It made your mummy feel like she had no control over what happened to her own daughter, it made her feel as though she didn't matter. And she let you go, not because she didn't care, or didn't want you. She let you go because she thought it would be best for you, because she loves you. She loves you more than anyone else in the whole world."
Grace listened, wide eyed.
"Even you?"
She asked quietly, and Rita smiled. Underneath she was still just a child...still so naïve, with every thought so black and white.
"Much, much more. And that's how it should be."
She watched as Grace contemplated what she had said, turning the thoughts over and over in her mind.
"I'm sorry."
She said eventually, her voice small and thin.
"You have absolutely nothing to apologise for, least of all to me! I just wanted to try to explain to you what might not have been said to you before."
"Nobody has ever spoken to me like that before."
Grace said quickly.
"Well, I'll always tell you the truth, I can promise you that."
Rita spoke slowly. She couldn't have meant what she said more.
"So...are you in love with her?"
The little girl asked. Somehow she needed to make sure...to know that all of this wasn't going to be taken away from her...
"Completely. I love your mum more than I've ever loved anyone else. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, if that's all right with you?"
She asked, almost holding her breath. If Grace said no this time, then they had a problem.
"What about me?"
Grace asked after another pause. Her little face pale in the dark, only faintly illuminated by the bright lights from the near by super market.
"Hmm?"
Rita frowned, and from above they heard the quiet patter of raindrops beginning to fall. Grace opened her mouth to speak, and then changed her mind. She sucked in a breath and tugged on the wool of her tights, pulling it up into a little peak before letting it go again.
"Do you want me, too?"
She asked quietly, unable to look her in the eye, and Rita couldn't help but laugh. Grace looked up sharply, and Rita reached out for her, placing a soft warm hand on Grace's arm.
"Of course I do!"
She smiled, seeing relief begin to creep within the dark of Grace's eyes.
"And wherever you are, whether you're here, or in New York, you can always come to me for a chat, OK? I will always have time for you. But more importantly, so will your Mum."
She gave Grace's arm a squeeze and the little girl leaned into her, tilting her head to one side.
"Then its OK with me."
She said, feeling how Rita's fingers hesitated against her before pulling away, and how when she inhaled, there was a slight catch in her breath before she smiled.
"Thank you."
She whispered, and cleared her throat.
"Right! Now, shall we go and get some dinner?"
She asked, letting her hand fall from Grace to the plug of her seat belt.
Grace nodded and removed her own seat belt, shuffling forward in her seat.
"Rita?"
She asked, as Rita opened the car door, but as she turned to respond, Grace's body was suddenly against her own, her arms about her neck, her face, her cold cheeks against her own. She hesitated, taken aback for a moment before hugging her back, raising a hand to stroke the long brown plait that ran the length of her back.
"I'm pleased that you're my other mummy."
She whispered, her breath hot against Rita's ear.
-.-
Oh the reviews you've all been sending have been so lovely, thank you so much! I've got a horrible cold at the moment, and a child with a stomach bug, but the lovely reviews have really helped to cheer me up! :)
Interestingly enough it was equal votes for dominant Rita/Connie...so I will just have to do both! ;)
And I can't remember off hand who mentioned the jealousy idea. But I have something planned for that, too! I really appreciate all the little ideas, and the lovely, encouraging reviews (have I gone on about that enough, yet?!)
Anyway, thank you! I will post more later! xxx