"Who is it?" Byers asked, while Frohike was unlocking their extensive security system.
"It's Scully," Frohike sounded excited. "With a woman!"
"A woman?" Langley and Byers simultaneously raised their heads from computer screens. "What woman?"
"I don't know," Frohike shrugged. "But she's hot!"
The door finally opened and two ladies stepped inside.
"Hello, Frohike," the hot woman greeted the short man, causing his mouth to widely open and stay that way while she nodded at the rest of the team. "Byers. Langley."
"She knows our names," Byers sounded suspicious.
"Yeah," Langley, on the other hand, seemed impressed. "We are finally getting famous! We have a fan!"
"And it's a girl," Scully smiled, which made the other woman chuckle and look at the floor shyly, or at least pretending to be shy. "Do you guys ever sleep?" Scully wondered.
"Not during the night," Langley shrugged.
"We were just about to," Byers added. "The sun is almost up."
"Close your mouth," the woman said to Frohike, but it only made him gape wider. "It's me, Mulder!"
Langley and Byres looked at each other, then started to laugh, while Frohike continued staring, his jaw almost hitting the floor by this point.
"Good one, Scully!" Byers said.
"Yeah," Langley agreed. "I didn't take you for a practical joker, but you are a pro! You should have saved it for April, though."
"It's not a joke," Scully sighed. "She's telling the truth. Mulder and I found Genia and she turned him into a woman. I need your help to get him back."
"Genia?" Langley was confused.
"Female genie," Scully clarified. "She granted me three wishes and I… Well, I screwed up."
Byers and Langley gave each other another look and went on laughing. The strange woman and Frohike just stared at each other without words.
"Seriously, Scully," Byers said. "Who is she?"
"She's telling the truth," Frohike's ability to speak returned, but his eyes stayed locked with the woman's. "It's him. Come, take a look!"
Langley and Byres weren't buying it, but the opportunity to stare at an attractive woman is not something that happened every day, so they didn't object. In a second all three men surrounded the woman, staring at her eyes for signs of recognition and occasionally stealing a few glimpses at her breasts for… unspecified purposes.
Then the inquisition started.
"How old are you?"
"When did we meet?"
"Which tape did I lend you?"
"What was the name of the movie we went to see two weeks ago?"
And so on. Mulder answered all of them correctly, but the Gunmen just kept going, getting more personal and bizarre.
"How old were you when you lost your virginity?"
"I never told you that!"
"You could tell me now."
"How old will you be when you lose it, Langly?"
"Good one, Mulder!"
"Yeah, good one, but I asked you first!"
"It's none of your business!"
"Are you and Scully doing the wild thing?"
"Haven't you heard what I just said?"
"Scully is right here," Scully interrupted, reminding them of her presence. "Besides, it might be a better idea to ask him that when he's a man again."
Was she trying to give Mulder a reason to give up being a woman? Did she just want to see the Lone Gunmen's shocked faces? Why did she say that, really? She didn't know, it just felt like the thing to do.
They stared at her for a second, but the Mulder woman was more fascinating so they soon turned back to her.
"Are those real?" Frohike asked, trying to grab her breasts.
"Hey!" Mulder objected. "Keep your nasty hands away from me, you filthy man! Of course they are real!"
"How do you know?"
"It's ALL real! I checked!"
"Even… You know? Down there?"
"Are you a virgin?"
"Well, I haven't checked that."
"Why not?"
"I don't know how!"
"I could help you with that."
"For God's sake, Frohike, please stop talking!"
"Or what? Are you threatening me, Mulder? You don't have the balls!"
"Funny, Frohike, but you may want to be careful or you could lose yours as well!"
"Is that a purse? What do you have in there?"
"Hey! Langly, give that back!"
After a short struggle the purse ended on the floor, spilling its contents. It caused the men to freeze in place from a sheer horror, while Mulder crouched down, picking up his pads and clean underwear.
"It's mine," Scully tried to spare him further embarrassment, but Mulder just shook his head and stood up, proudly holding his purse.
"No, it's mine," he said, looking at Gunmen, but none of them dared to return his gaze. "Yes, I'm menstruating! Are you happy now? It means I don't have PMS anymore, but I'm still a woman, so back off!"
All the boys immediately moved away, as far away from Mulder as possible. Women in general scared them, but an angry woman yelling about… "female stuff" was more than horrifying.
"Good," Mulder was pleased with his power. "Now excuse me, I need the bathroom. Come with me, Scully."
"Mulder, you can do that by yourself," Scully hesitated.
"Jesus, Scully, I just need to ask you something! In private."
Reluctantly, Scully followed him and Lone Gunmen finally dared to breathe again.
"Wow, that was something!"
"I can't believe he's a woman!"
"Crazy, right?"
"And hot!"
"Frohike!"
"What? He is hot! Lucky bastard!"
Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Mulder sat on the floor and started to laugh his heart out.
"Are you okay, Mulder?" Scully looked a little worried.
"Yeah. Oh God, have you seen their faces?"
Scully had to admit, Gunmen's faces were truly hilarious while they watched Mulder picking up pads, which was funny on its own, if you looked at it that way. She joined Mulder on the floor and they laughed together, trying so hard to suppress it that they almost started to cry.
When they returned to the main room, Lone Gunmen were already deep in research, trying hard not to discuss their thoughts about what was going on between two women in their bathroom.
"Anything?" Scully asked them.
"Well, there's not really much information about genies anywhere," Byres informed her. "Except…"
"In fairytales," Langley finished the thought.
"And wishes never work as they are supposed to," Frohike said next. "The only way to undo them seems to be with another wish."
"So," Byers got the word again. "How many wishes do you have left?"
"This…" Scully sighed, pointing towards Mulder. "This was my last one."
"Oh Scully," Byers didn't sound hopeful.
"What were your first two wishes, then?" Frohike was curious.
"You don't want to know," Mulder answered and nobody insisted.
The men went back to work and Scully returned to the bathroom. She was feeling sick again, just like the previous morning, but she hoped Mulder wouldn't notice. She didn't want him to blame himself again.
"How about we find Genia again?" Mulder suggested. "That way we would be granted another three wishes, wouldn't we?"
"I don't think it works that way," Langley answered without looking at him. None of the man seemed to want to look at him again. Mulder felt a bit hurt, but it was better than them staring at his breasts earlier and invading his personal space in such a Neanderthal way.
"You can only be granted wishes once," Frohike agreed.
"So? Only Scully used them," Mulder pointed out. "I didn't!"
"And what would you do with them?" Langley bravely looked in his direction, though still avoiding the eyes. "Turn her into a man and live happily ever after?"
"I have a better idea," Frohike proposed. "Forget genies and wishes, stay a woman, marry me and we can live happily ever after just as well."
"Now that would be some fairytale!" Mulder joked, and they all laughed, the tension between them finally lessening. So what if he was a woman, they were still old friends.
The morning passed quickly and no one noticed that Scully went to the bathroom a few more times and came back looking pale and drained. However, they all noticed when Mulder went to the same place and came back looking like he was wearing diapers, but nobody commented anything. They analyzed all appearances of Genia that they managed to find out about, and tried to predict where she could be hiding next. Shops? Storages? Private properties? Carpets suddenly seemed to be hiding everywhere!
They ordered pizzas and kept working even during lunch. By the late afternoon they had their search narrowed down to about hundred and seventy locations, none of them completely sure why any of those places was picked in the first place. Nobody knew the odds for even one of them turning out to be of any use, but it was a start.
Scully was relieved. Though it was a long shot, at least now there was something she could do, and she had to do it fast before Mulder came to the idea of exploring his female charms further. If he decided to kiss Frohike as well, she would have to move to Antarctica and spend the rest of her life in faraway isolation, trying to forget that sight. It took him less than a day to go after Skinner, ruining their chances of using FBI's resources. But on the bright side, his trouble-causing skills were left intact by the spell.
They left in the evening, each lost in their own thoughts and too exhausted to talk on the way home. Scully worried about facing Skinner in the morning, and Mulder worried about being prohibited by Scully to see or talk to Skinner.
He couldn't get him out of his mind. He never kissed a man before, especially not as a woman. It was a completely new and exciting experience. He wanted to explore the relationship further, but even if Scully allowed him he just wouldn't dare. Why was she so against it, anyway? She seemed to be jealous and it saddened him. Scully clearly had feelings for Skinner, which meant Mulder could never have him, not even if she found somebody else. He didn't want to be a woman anymore, not if being a woman meant having a crush at your best friend's boyfriend.
He didn't want to be a man again, either, as it wouldn't make seeing Scully with Skinner any easier, but for a whole different reason. It was one thing thinking that she walked away because she wasn't ready for what happened between them, but knowing that she wanted their boss the whole time would be devastating. He wasn't ready to go through that.
Woman or man, it was both ruined for him.
He just wanted to be a dog.