My entire body aches as I linger under the multiple heads in the steam-filled extravagant shower stall. I thought about asking Tobias to join me but I unleashed a beast last night, and I honestly didn't think I could take making love to him again this morning. Three times last night has left me more than a little sore … but it's a good sore. It reminds me that I got to spend some much-needed alone time with my sexy as hell, well endowed, virile husband. I shut off the water and reach out into the cool bathroom for my warmed towel. Whoever invented the warming towel rack has my undying gratitude. Now that I've gotten used to wrapping myself in soft, fluffy warmth after either a quick in-and-out shower like most days or a long, luxurious soak in the garden tub, there's no way I could go back to cold linens on my heated skin. I quickly shut the door and dry off my body then retrieve the second towel and wrap it around my wet hair. I step out onto the toasty marble tile floor thankful that whomever designed this bathroom opted to put in-floor heating in or I might just have turned into a block of ice. I don't think I've ever totally recovered from getting unbearably cold the day Peanut made her entrance. After thoroughly towel drying my hair, I step into my closet. I decide on comfort over anything else today since I got a total of five hours' sleep in two-and-a-half hour increments. Right now I don't feel too bad but later on I know I'll be dragging. I dress in a comfortable dark gray cotton nursing bra and matching boy shorts, a long sleeve black and gray striped nursing shirt, gray yoga pants, and black and gray walking shoes. I dress then return to the bathroom, hang up my wet towels, and then pull my dryer out to dry my hair. When I'm messing around with it, I catch a glimpse of a mark on the back of my neck. I dig a hand held mirror out of one of the small drawers, turn around, lift my hair, and look at myself.
"Tobias Eaton," I growl under my breath as I take in the reddish mark on the back of my neck and it isn't exactly little. Others will be able to see it.
"Did you need something?" he asks as he walks into the room.
"Yes," I calmly say even though I'm far from calm. "I would really like you to stop leaving marks on me where people can see them." I let my hair fall back into place and, just like I thought, the love bite is still visible. I groan. He brushes my hair out of the way and looks at the mark.
"I've done this before?" he asks, bewildered. Hhm. I must never have told him.
"Mm-hm," I say.
"I'm sorry," he says, genuinely meaning it as he gently runs his finger over it. "It won't happen again, although I have to be honest, love. I don't remember ever doing something like this. Does it hurt?" I shake my head. He leans over and kisses it softly making my heart rate increase. "I really am sorry." I put the mirror down and turn toward my remorseful husband.
"I'm sorry I got upset," I say. "It really isn't a big deal but the last time I had one, Christina's the one who found it and teased me relentlessly about it and, of course, it embarrassed me."
"Will she ever learn?" he asks with a growl.
"I doubt it. She was born Candor after all. She has the habit of speaking her mind," I say. I wrap my arms around his neck and go up on my tiptoes for a lingering kiss. "Good morning, Mr. Eaton."
"Good morning, Mrs. Eaton."
"Thank you for letting me sleep a few more hours after I fed Peanut. That was very thoughtful of you."
"You're very welcome but I did that for selfish reasons," he says. "I was exhausted, too, and since the kids were all still asleep, I thought we could use the time to get some much-needed rest after last night." His eyes darken, thinking about our eventful evening or should I say morning. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling perfectly wonderful," I say. I start to give him another kiss but he narrows his eyes at me. "What?"
"You paused," he says. I did? "And you're chewing on your cheek." Damn! Why do I never know when I'm doing that?
"Um … I'm … sore this morning," I quietly say, my cheeks flushing softly. His brows furrow before understanding lights his eyes. "I guess three times wasn't the charm." He doesn't even crack a smile.
"This is not a laughing matter, Beatrice Grace," he stiffly says. Uh oh, my full name. He's obviously upset by this admission but I don't know who he's angrier with, me or himself. "I knew we shouldn't..." His voice drifts off as he shakes his head, words of self-recrimination, I imagine, running through his mind. "Do you need to see a doctor?" My poor worry wart of a husband, always focusing on the negative. I loosen my hands from around his neck and gently lay them on his waist.
"I don't need a doctor," I say. I guess it's time to let him in on a little secret I've been keeping for the past 10 months. "I haven't told you this before … maybe I was too embarrassed, I don't know … but I was really sore for days after we first started making love … each time we did it."
"Tris." There's something bordering on agony in his voice. I knew he would blame himself. He doesn't want to hurt me.
"I never wanted to tell you because I knew you would beat yourself up over something that was totally out of your control, and I don't want you to do that. I love you too much," I say.
"You should have told me," he says.
"Why?" I ask. "If I would have told you I was sore, you wouldn't have touched me as often and you know I couldn't get enough of you. I still can't … obviously." I drag one hand up his body and lay it over his heart and look up into his warring eyes. "I have loved every time we made love but there are certain times that stick out to me as special, and those early days of us exploring each other's bodies, becoming familiar with each other in a new and different way are all very special to me. Plus I think there was a small part of me who thought you would take the sex away if I told you, and I liked the sex too much to give it up. Plus the soreness wasn't anything I couldn't handle."
"I should never have caused you pain … ever," he says.
"Tobias, baby, I hate when you beat yourself up over this." I sigh. "I'm not a masochist. Please don't mistake me for one," I say. "But the way I'm feeling right now … I kind of like it. When I feel this … ache, I remember you were inside me, and I love when you are inside me." I draw his mouth to mine for a passionate kiss. He holds back at first, obviously conflicted but I feel his restraint melt away when I shove my tongue into his mouth. He wraps his arms tightly around my waist and lifts me straight up, off my feet. We move our lips together eagerly, desire building until we hear giggling. I nearly fall to the floor when he suddenly releases me but, thankfully, I maintain my footing. We look around and find Tyler standing in the open doorway.
"You was kissin'," he bashfully says, still laughing at his parents' display of affection. "Daddy cawwy you."
"Yes, we were kissing," Tobias says. "I thought you were watching your sisters in our bedroom?"
"Mm-hm," he says. "But I hungwy. Can I have sompin to eat?"
"Of course," I say. "What would you like?" He makes a funny little face as I take his hand, and he thinks about it as we walk into the bedroom. Peanut is in her bouncy seat with a small smile on her face and Tessa is sitting up next to her chewing on her butterfly.
"I want toast," he finally says. "And bacon."
"French toast and bacon coming right up," Tobias says as he picks Tessa up off the floor. I unbuckle Peanut and pick her up. She nuzzles my chest a little but doesn't whine. She shouldn't be hungry quite yet but I check anyway and she eagerly suckles my knuckle when I present it to her.
"Hhm."
"What's wrong?" Tobias asks as we step into the living room. "Are you sure you don't need to see a doctor?"
"Baby, I'm fine," I whisper but then add in my normal voice, "Peanut seems warm and her nursing schedule has been all over the place the past 24 hours. Does she feel warm to you?" He presses his lips to her forehead and purposefully lingers a bit.
"Yeah," he says when he straightens up. "She does."
"I'm going to go take her temperature. I'll be right back," I say as I head back upstairs. I go into the nursery and open the top drawer of the changing table and retrieve the thermometer. She squirms a bit when I put the cold instrument to her ear but she quiets down when I gently sway her back and forth. When it beeps, it confirms a low-grade fever. I immediately get my phone out of my pocket and call the infirmary. I tell the on-duty nurse what's going on and ask how much medication I should give her because of her small size and preemie status. She tells me to give her half a dose every six hours and check in with Zander if her fever doesn't break today. I thank her then immediately give Peanut the recommended dosage. She makes a funny face then starts fussing. By the time I get downstairs, she's crying so hard that she's having a hard time catching her breath so instead of joining Tobias and Tyler for breakfast, I sit in the club chair and start nursing her, and for the first time in quite a while, she has trouble latching on. "My poor baby. Are you not feeling well?"
"What did you find out?" Tobias asks after he gives Tyler a plate of French toast and crispy bacon.
"She's got a small fever so I called the infirmary and asked how much medicine to give her," I say, worry showing through in my voice. "She didn't like it at all and started fussing then was having a full meltdown by the time we got downstairs."
"I heard her."
"I'm a bit concerned because she isn't eating the greatest right now but she seems hungry. Maybe her throat is sore. The nurse on duty said if the fever doesn't break today to bring her in to see Zander."
"Our poor girl," he says, running his hand over her head. "Maybe you should stay home with her today. I've got to make an appearance in the Pit to let the members know that I'm still around. I've probably spent too much time in my office lately. I have to stop by the infirmary and see if Zander got any DNA off the sweatshirt and pants. I also have to meet with Zeke, Shauna, and Will and update them about Lauren. I think it's time. I also have to contact a programmer I trust to see why I can't log into every program like I should be able to. If I could do it from home I would." At the mention of a trusted programmer, I remember that Avery said she and Callen found something. He's not going to be happy about this either.
"I know I should help you guys out but I'm worried about Peanut so I'll take you up on your offer." I look down at the small girl nursing from my breast. "Mommy's going to stay home with you today, Peanut. Hey, will you sit down for a minute? I need to talk to you," I say and he lowers himself onto the ottoman right in front of me, concern on his face. "Before Avery and Callen left last night, she told me that they found something on your computer."
"What was it?" he slowly asks, obviously not sure what to make of the situation.
"I don't know. I didn't ask," I say and his mouth falls open a little. "I told them it could wait until this morning." He raises one eyebrow and continues staring at me. Yeah, I was right. He's not happy with me at all.
"Let me get this straight. You thought it was more important for us to have sex last night than to follow up on what Avery and Callen found?" The way he says sex cuts me like a knife, no, a razor-sharp katana. I take a deep breath and ready myself to defend my position.
"Yes, I did, and I'm not going to apologize for it … not one bit. We needed that time last night to connect not only physically but emotionally. I was at my breaking point, Tobias – you know that – but now I feel like I can handle anything Dauntless or anyone else has to throw my way. Be thankful I selfishly thought only of us last night. Everything else could wait." I remember every healing caress, every scorching kiss, every passionate, powerful movement as he stares deeply into my eyes. When I see his pupils dilate, I know the same memories are playing in his mind.
"What if it is important information, Tris?" he asks. "What if it leads us to Tori?"
"I'm sure if it had been important Avery would have said so. She's a bright girl," I say. "She didn't even look like she wanted to argue with me when I said it could wait." He closes his eyes and sighs loudly.
"You're not the least bit sorry?" he asks, putting his elbows on his knees, leaning toward me. Even though he's upset, the electricity we sometimes feel when near each other is alive and zinging back and forth.
"No," I say as I shake my head. "Like I said, everything … else … could … wait. If it turns out that what they found is really important, I'll apologize to you then." He scoffs, although it is so low I barely hear him.
"You know how you feel about me keeping things from you?"
"Yes," I slowly say, wondering where he's going with this.
"I finally understand how you feel," he says. My heart tightens painfully in my chest. I hate it when he's mad at me.
"Please don't be upset with me," I say, my voice suddenly thick with irrational emotion. I can feel tears gathering behind my eyes and I fight them, hard, but a few traitors spill and slowly slide down my face.
"Tears aren't really fair, love," he says, wounded, as he reaches up, cups my face, and gently wipes them away. I close my eyes as he lovingly caresses my cheek with his thumb, trying to get the tears to stop trembling in my throat, robbing me of my voice. "Why is it that you can get upset with me and come unglued but I can't be angry with you?"
"You're right," I say, sniffling pitifully. "You have every right to be upset with me. I shouldn't be reacting this way. I'm not entirely sure why I'm acting this way. I swear I didn't mean to cry. I tried to stop. I promise." My voice starts quivering again, and he wraps his arms around me being mindful of Peanut. After a couple minutes I pull away. "I'm sorry. I talked to Isobel about the lingering hormones, and she told me that it's perfectly normal. I just wish they would go away sooner than later."
"I'm sorry, too," he says. I cover his lips with my fingertips.
"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, Tobias," I say. "I made a judgment call last night, which I still stand by but you have every right to feel however you want to about things. I don't want you thinking I'm dismissing your feelings. I wouldn't do that. I honestly tried to stop the tears but I really don't like it when you're upset with me."
"Love, we're going to get angry with one another," he says. "We're human. Let's both try to do a better job of expressing our anger in a healthier way." He sighs and runs his hand roughly through his hair. I reach up and grab it and kiss his palm.
"You're going to give yourself a bald spot if you keep doing that." He gives me a relaxed smile and there's an ornery sparkle in his eyes.
"I thought you told me you would love me even if I was bald." I chuckle, relieved he's regained his good mood.
"Completely bald not missing chunks of hair here and there," I say shaking my head with a look of mock disgust. "I couldn't be seen with you in public." We laugh together lightly then I sigh. "I promise that I'll try to do a better job in the future of not jumping down your throat or bursting into tears when we disagree."
"And I promise to try not to shut down emotionally," he says. "I love you, do you know that?" he asks.
"Yeah, I do. I still don't fully understand why, probably never will. But the one thing I do know is that I love you just as much as you love me." He's moving his mouth toward mine when we hear a crash in the kitchen. He jumps up and goes to investigate. Pretty soon Tyler comes moping up beside me with his bottom lip thrust out about a mile. Uh-oh!
"I got in twouble," he says, sounding so forlorn. "I just twying to help."
"What did you do?" I ask as I reach out and caress his face. It should never be this sad.
"He tried to put his plate in the sink and it broke. There's glass everywhere," Tobias says as he sits Tessa in my lap next to Peanut. "I have to clean up the mess. Stay in here, Tyler."
"Otay."
"Thank you for trying to help but you're still too little to put things in the sink. You can't even see into it yet," I say. "When you get bigger you can help, okay?"
"Otay. Can I sit with you?" he asks as he stares at his sisters who are sitting contentedly in my arms. I pull Tessa to the right then very carefully situate Peanut next to her, facing out. I pat the empty spot on my lap and help him up the best I can. I kiss his head as he snuggles into my side. Tessa looks up over her shoulder at me then starts babbling. This captures Peanut's attention so she smiles at her sister. For smiling the first time earlier this week, she seems to have gotten it down pat and does it all the time now. Tyler leans against me chuckling at his sisters. I see movement out of the corner of my eye and find Tobias leaning against the wall, gazing at us, a strong look of love in his eyes. He comes over and lowers his lips to mine and gives me a soft kiss.
"I love you very much," he emphatically says, his gaze burning into me like an ember. "I'm sorry about our … spat, especially after the nice evening you planned for us. Did I ever thank you?"
"Yes," I say.
"I sowwy I bwaked the plate, Daddy," Tyler says sounding absolutely despondent.
"Oh, Tyler," he says, lifting him out of my arms and wrapping him in his embrace. "Daddy's very sorry for yelling. It's okay the plate got broken. I just got scared when I saw you standing barefooted in the middle of all that glass. I don't ever want you hurting yourself, and if Daddy hadn't been there, you could have cut yourself." They hug each other tightly then Tobias peppers his face with kisses making not only him giggle but Peanut smile and Tessa laugh out loud. He sits him back on my lap then gets his phone out and takes a picture. He shows it to me, and it's definitely a keeper. All four of us are looking into the camera with happy smiles on our faces.
"That one is definitely frame worthy," I say, kissing each of my children's heads. Children? What a difference a year makes.
"You must be starving," he says, "because I'm famished. I'm in the mood for bacon and eggs. Do you want that or French toast?"
"Actually scrambled eggs sound delicious," I say. I stay in the living room with all three kids on my lap. After a few minutes, Tyler gets restless. "Go play."
"Thanks," he says. He starts to get down then hesitates. "Love you, Mommy." He kisses my cheek then jumps off my lap and opens the toy box. He gets out a few cars and disappears behind the couch where there's a large open space he likes to use as a racetrack.
"Ma ma ma ma," Tessa babbles.
"Do you need something, little one?" She continues jabbering and cooing then laughing at absolutely nothing or maybe it's everything that she finds entertaining. When Tobias finishes our breakfast, he takes Tessa and puts her in the swing, and I put Peanut who fell asleep a little bit ago in the bassinet. I sit down at the table and am immediately presented with a plateful of fluffy scrambled eggs, crispy thick cut bacon, hash browned potatoes, orange segments, and wheat toast slathered with honey butter. My stomach growls loudly as I inhale the aroma. I don't wait for him before digging in. I moan after my first bite and find Tobias looking at me. "This tastes so good. One day you're going to have to tell me what your secret is. I've stood and watched you make scrambled eggs and duplicated every step and mine never taste like this."
"It's a secret ingredient," he says with a smirk. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you." He laughs as he sits down across from me. We chat about nothing important as we eat our meal.
"It's nice to sit like this with you," I say. I kick off my shoes and reach out and rub my foot against his leg. His hand stalls a moment before he puts a bite in his mouth, and I wink at him. His phone rings at the same time mine starts buzzing, interrupting us. We both pull our phones out and while he says, "What can I do for you?" I read a text message from Will that says 911. I try to call him but there's no answer, so I assume he's the one talking to Tobias. I sit nervously listening to his side of the conversation, which consists mainly of grunts, yes's, no's, and nods that the other person obviously can't hear so I honestly have no clue what's going on. Peanut starts fussing so I get up to go to her and find Tessa on the verge of sleep so I turn the swing back on knowing it will lull her to sleep. I pick up Peanut and excuse myself to change her diaper. While I'm upstairs, I take her temperature again, and it's holding steady, which is both good and bad. When I get back downstairs, I put her in her bassinet so she can continue to rest. He's still on the phone, so I sit back down at the table, nearly busting from curiosity. I try Will again, and it goes to voicemail … again. I think about calling Christina but I don't want to worry her needlessly. Finally, he presses the end button on his phone. I'm about ready to launch into my interrogation when his face goes from confused to completely bewildered.
"That was Johanna Reyes," he says but doesn't continue. Johanna Reyes?
"Leader of Amity?" I ask, bemused. Once the name registers I remember her completely. She's a hard woman to forget. She has a thick scar that runs from just above her eyebrow down the right side of her face in a jagged line to the corner of her mouth, rendering her blind in that eye. Why would she be calling now of all times? I don't recall a time since we took over Dauntless leadership that Amity reached out for anything.
"Yeah," he says. "They found a car registered to Dauntless in one of the abandoned outbuildings surrounding Amity."
"The car linked to Tori's disappearance?" I ask and he nods.