Sleep is a wish. I lie awake, like every night since my return, stare at the ceiling, and either beat myself up for what I did, or – when I eventually do fall asleep – dream about it.

My lips tingle, and my groin tingles too.

Then I hear Face stuttering out those three words, and it's all gone again. Seriously, if I weren't nuts already, this would drive me there.

I don't know why, but I walk over to the phone, pick it up, and dial the number to Face's car phone. I've done this a million times, but of course it feels different now. Not that I really count on him picking up. It's in the middle of the night, after all, and he's gone into hiding. I don't think he's taken the corvette along. Especially since the corvette is where it happened.

"Yeah."

I almost drop the receiver. Holy shit, what do I do now? For a start I do nothing, just keep the receiver pressed hard against my ear, clutching it so tightly, my hand hurts from it.

"If it's you, know that I'm not talking with... you... any... A-Are you okay?"

My stomach lurches. How can he still care?

"Are you?" he insists. He still sounds none too friendly, but, hey, he asks!

How can he even be sure it's me? Well duh, because I haven't said a word yet. "No," I say. I have to force the word out, but I have to start talking to him, or he'll disconnect.

He needs a second to answer. "Me neither."

"I know. I'm so sorry." I start sounding like a scratched record, a lame scratched record at that. How could "sorry" ever be enough?

"Why... why... why d-did..."

"I love you."

"Huh?" Completely breathless. It's so sexy, it makes my heart skip a beat.

Damn it, Murdock, get a grip on yourself! You've screwed up enough already, so save it. "I love you. As in flowers, moonshine, candlelight dinners... kissing..." the last word is an embarrassed whisper.

And my heart beats faster and faster.

"How... how long?"

Forever. – But no, that's not true, it only feels like forever. "Since I caught you making love three years ago."

"You... what?" He sounds like his usual self as he asks that: indignant and huffy. – Balm on my wounded soul.

"I didn't plan to watch, but there were strange noises in my room, so I walked over to see if I could bunk in your room." I shrug, although he can't see it. "Well, turned out you were already bunking."

"Oklahoma City?" he asks, and I'm impressed that he picks the right night; as if it were just nothing.

"Yeah."

"I thought I'd heard something that night."

"That would have been me, then."

"And... and..."

"I didn't plan any of it, Face."

"I know."

"It got worse and worse, and that weekend, when you picked me up, you were so nice to me. And you looked so damn good." My heart doesn't know anymore: beat way too fast, or stop beating altogether? "I just lost it then."

"Three years of not giving in is a pretty long time."

Tell me about it, Face. "I had to."

"You could have said something."

Hang on, is he sad? "Would you have understood?"

"I don't know. You could have tried me."

Yep, he is. Missing the old times. "I'm sorry for that, too."

He doesn't say anything, but at least he's not hanging up.

"Look, Face, I know I can apologize for this from now until Judgment Day, I won't ever have a right to expect forgiveness." No response from him. Neither positive nor negative. Okay, just keep talking, Murdock. "Regardless, I'll do whatever you want."

He still doesn't say anything.

"If it's what you want, I'll even stay out of your hair and off the team and –"

"Oh, shut up!" he interrupts me impatiently.

Huh?

"You can't..."

I can't leave the team? Well...

"There is no team without you," he says, and I can't quite determine the emotion in his voice.

"Probably not." It's the truth. "Hannibal's worried about your whereabouts." Speaking of the team has reminded me of that.

"I'll ring him up."

"Do that."

"Did you get back to the VA alright?"

"Yes." I did – eventually. I'm not gonna tell Face the whole story. I don't want to upset him. Hannibal will do that later on, no doubt.

I wish he wouldn't, but he'll want to give Face a lesson about abandoning me, shock or no shock. Murdock The Nut must not be left alone when in danger of going wonkers.

"How can we ever face each other again?"

Again, I can't determine the emotion that's swinging in his voice. Regret, maybe. Sadness, accusation... Maybe a bit of all three and then some. "We're already talking on the phone."

"Yes. But that's different."

No risk of me assaulting him with a kiss, he means. "I love you, Face. I want to see you again. I want to see you again like we used to."

"Little late for that."

I shrug and sigh. He's right. "All I can say is, I'm forever sorry."

"Yeah, and like you said, that won't be enough!" He bursts out.

If he kicked me in the stomach full force it couldn't hurt more. "I know." Tears sting my eyes. I'm not a whiny baby, so what are you tears doing in my eyes?

"I... I guess I... shouldn't have said that right now," he almost apologizes.

Why not? You're right. "No, it's okay."

"If you say so." But he doesn't sound convinced, and it nurtures my silly hopes.

"Call Hannibal, and don't let him give you a hard time."

"You know that that's his decision, not mine."

Basically, yes. "I mean it, whatever he says, whatever accusations he makes, don't listen to him. He'll preach at you about leaving me alone, but you know that's not what happened. I left you alone. He'll tell you about that relapse, but –"

"Relapse?!"

He's honestly upset over that little word. "Nothing to worry about, Face. I was lost a little for a while there, but I'm back, now. I'm fine."

There's silence again from his side. "No, you're not, Murdock." He sounds beyond sad, if such an emotion really exists. "I wish there were anything I could do to make you fine, but... but..."

"That's not your responsibility, Face. I have to make myself fine. There's nobody in the world who can do it for me. That's something everybody has to face on his own. Sane or insane, we're all responsible for our own wellbeing." Oh Jesus, when did I become a preacher? Gotta ask Richter about it, maybe he knows.

"I'm still... still... I..." he struggles. He's a smooth talker usually, but not when he gets honestly upset.

"I know. But friendship is... well, it's not what I yearn for."

"Are you telling me, that... that... we... Are you..."

"No, Face, no. Your friendship is the best I can get. And I'll take it, gladly... if you're still willing."

I have to wait for his answer, but I wait patiently. There's never been a more important answer in my life, it will decide our future.

"I can't imagine how I couldn't," he says in a thick voice. "None of this should ever have happened, but I can't imagine how I couldn't be..."

... my friend. – I love him.

I love him. "I..."

"Don't, Murdock. Not a word. I don't want to hear it. Good night." He disconnects.

TBC