We're alone. I never thought he'd ever dare being alone with me again. Hannibal has organized a training weekend. Well, that's his alibi, anyway. We all know it's about getting to terms with what I've done, especially me and Face. I still don't know exactly what BA knows, but couldn't care less. He treats me as always, and that's all I ask for.

And now we're here, alone, together. Me and him. Hannibal has sent BA outside to fix the tripwires a while ago, and he just left to "check on the progress". Sure, call me Abe Lincoln, folks.

And Face still sits at the table, a glass of apple juice in front of him. He has been relatively normal towards me the whole day – Means he was pretty normal when he didn't avoid me, which he did a lot.

"Hey, Face," I say sensibly, just to break the silence.

"Hey." He throws me a super-short glance, before he looks out of the window again.

I can feel the awkwardness between us grow, and grow, and grow bigger and bigger. If we ever want to get along again, we have to clear the air between us now. "We need to talk, Face."

He falters, but nods. "I know. I'm just not quite... You did... you... you..."

"I kissed you," I help out.

"Yes. And now things are different."

That's about the size of it, Muchacho. "Yeah, and that's exactly why we need to talk."

"I know." He throws me another super-short glance. "I just don't know..."

"... how?"

"No. Just... What will..."

"... become of us?"

"Yeah. That sort of thing." He sighs, then rubs his face. "See, I don't know where you want to go from here. I know where I want to go, but there's no way ever getting there."

Backwards in time. I wish I could go there, too.

"So?"

"So what?" I'm momentarily confused by my wish to make it all undone.

"Where do you want to go?"

Does that even matter? I either want to make it undone, or want to have Face in my bed. Neither is going to happen, so...

"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Now he really looks at me. "You said we need to talk. Ok, here I am, talking! Now you do your part!"

"Sorry, just... What I want..."

"Don't say it."

"... is something I can't have. So what I want doesn't matter. What do you want?"

"You know what I want."

Yeah, of course I do. "Okay, everyone's wants aside. What can we do?"

He sighs and shrugs. "I've spent the last three weeks trying to figure that one out."

"Me too." Well, and I've done a bit of daydreaming, but that hardly counts.

He looks at me as if he doesn't believe me.

"Honestly. I just didn't come to any conclusion."

He still looks doubtful, and I can't blame him for it. I probably wouldn't believe it if our roles were reversed.

"Murdock, like I told you on the phone..."

I nod, I know what he's about to say.

"That's all I can give."

He speaks so awfully gently. My heart clenches, and something's not quite right with my throat either. I have to look away, somewhere where there's no Face, somewhere that doesn't give me even a glimpse of him.

"I wish I could. I wish I could be the one you..."

Well, ask me. I wish the same. I wish I could jump you now and just smooch you down. And I wish you'd appreciate that.

"I'm not exactly good at this kind of thing, Murdock."

No? I'd say you're doing exceptionally well, better than me, that's for sure. "You're not half bad," I croak.

"Oh, Murdock."

He attempts to whine, which should make me feel a bit better. When he whines he feels on safe ground. No matter he didn't quite succeed, that he tried is already a good sign.

"Murdock, what can I do?" He asks earnestly.

"There's nothing you can do." Hey, my voice actually works! Who'da thunk?

"There has to be something. There's always something."

He definitely hangs around with Hannibal too much. Unjust anger welling up inside me helps me look at him. "Face, like I told you on the phone, I love you like in moonshine, dates and kissing. You won't give me any of this, so what do you think you can do? What do you think you can give me?" – Oy, didn't mean to make him blush, but when I'm right, I'm right.

"Like I said, I wish I could give you –"

"But you can't!" It hurts a little less to say this, thanks to my anger.

"I know!"

Great, now we're shouting. Wonderful development.

"Doesn't stop me wishing to help you, though. You're my friend, I care about you. I want you to be alright."

"Well, won't happen anytime soon." Oh, stop it, Murdock, don't start giving him guilty feelings. It's not his fault you're a lovesick moron. "Sorry."

"Well, I guess you're just right about that... about being alright..."

And when did I lose my ability to judge him? He should be upset or angry, but not understanding.

"I'm sorry you feel the way you feel. I'm sorry I can't return it. I'm sorry you feel bad for it."

I don't know why, but he puts his hand against the side of my neck. – OUCH! That must have been half a bolt of lightning just jumping from his hand to my neck! He looks as if he wants to hug me. Oh, do... please do... He does not, of course.

"You can count on me in every other aspect, you know that?"

I nod. What else can I do?

"And I know I can count on you in every aspect, just like I always could. I can count on you even more now. I feel so much safer for it, you have no idea."

I swallow. This could be heard as a declaration of love. But it isn't. I know it isn't. So stop wishing, Murdock.

"I know you'd cut your legs and arms off to save my life."

Always. – Stop stinging my eyes, you blasted tears!

"You don't know how honoured and flattered I feel."

"You seemed rather shocked to me." I squeak. Lord help me, I squeak.

"I was. I wasn't expecting quite... that." He smiles at me, and his hand gently rubs my skin. I'm sure he doesn't even notice that, or he wouldn't do it, cause if he noticed, he'd stop immediately. It feels wonderful. Small, warm ripples showering down my body from this little patch of skin where he touches me.

"What I'm trying to say is, if there were only the tiniest homosexual streak in me, I'd commit to you with all I am and have, and happily. You're a wonderful man, whoever gets to share his life with you is one damn lucky person. One couldn't wish for a better man as a partner."

And here comes the dreaded pause that will bring on the sledgehammer to pulverize my last hopes...

"But I'm a man myself."

BAMM! Here it is, thank you, universe. I lean into his touch before it's gone. He'll pull back his hand any second now.

"I can't live like that with another man."

Yeah, yeah... You haven't tried yet, Muchacho. Maybe you should just give it a go?

"Do you understand that, Murdock?"

My heart goes out to him, the way he speaks so softly and tender, and his fingers still caress me, unnoticed by him. He's trying his best to not hurt me any more than absolutely necessary. And the bad thing is, I do understand him. I was like that once. Or at least, I thought I was. It had only taken one aroused Face for me to sail under another flag. Okay, so an aroused Face is a sight to be seen, truly unique under this sun, but –

"Murdock do you understand what I said?"

His hold on me tightens somewhat, and he shakes me lightly, pulling me back from dreamland into reality. Right, mustn't worry him. "Yeah. I think I do. So where does that leave us?"

"It leaves us with a problem we're unable to solve," he promptly answers. "But we can work around it, can't we?"

"You mean, ignore it?"

He shrugs, smiles, and finally lets go of my neck. "Well, when we're together, I think it's best if we ignore it. But when we're apart, I think we – you, mainly – should work on it."

Get him out of my system, he means. Well, I'll try.

"Are we good to go from here?"

I nod. I guess we are.

He's a great person. I've dumped my biggest secret on him, knowing what it'd do, yet he's here, caring about me, and working together with me on finding a solution. Ok, being perfectly honest, he's done the work. I've been merely following along.

"Good to go," I say. And it feels right. I feel light, I feel loose, not so strung up and tight anymore. I know I can work my life around this new truth like I've built it around the truth that I love Face.

I love Face, he doesn't love me back, and that's okay. He lets me love him – for the time being anyway.

I can go from there. Work on falling out of love. I have a new goal. It's not exactly glorious, but I have it. I can go there. It'll take time, but I can reach it. I always reach my goals.

Good to go.

END

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This concludes this little story of mine, and it was a pleasure sharing it with you. I'm as of yet undecided which one to post next, so just keep a look out. So long, people!