With every step she took up the stairs she gripped the hand rail even tighter. Her head felt strangely light, as though there were only the one thought in it, going around and around – What am I doing? What am I doing? Over and over...

At the top of the stairs she stopped. Now that there was nothing to grasp hold of, nothing to anchor herself to this moment, nothing to stop her from floating away and disappearing altogether.

Perhaps Rita was asleep, the thought only just occurred to her. She had spent so long thinking things over that even Grace had taken herself off to bed without a fight. She had no idea of the time, except that it was late...or perhaps it was early morning. From where she stood in the middle of the dark landing she couldn't tell.

From here she could hear nothing except the gentle hum of the central heating, the odd popping creak of the water in the pipes and the beat of her own heart loud and strong within her ears.

She breathed in slowly, filling her lungs, and then without thinking she held her breath. She held it until her chest ached and her head felt light. She wondered for a moment what it would be like to push past that feeling, and to just fall into heady unconsciousness.

She released the breath all at once and mentally shook herself. She was over thinking things. She curled her hands next to her sides then flexed her fingers, and steadying herself she walked towards the bedroom.

She opened the door slowly, inside the room was dark, though the curtains were open and from outside the window the moon hung low and full, shining on the snow outside and illuminating the room with a silver light that caught every smooth surface and made it gleam.

She could see the shape of Rita in the bed, curled up small beneath the duvet, only the very top of her head visible.

For a moment she wondered whether to retreat back out into the hall, to go to sleep in another room, or perhaps just to stay awake, she doubted very much that she would be able to sleep anyway, but when she shifted her weight slightly and the floor boards creaked she heard the unmistakeable catch of a breath and saw the shift of the covers over Rita's body, as though she were cocooning herself in against whatever terrible things were to come.

"Rita?"

She whispered her name but no response came.

She wrapped her arms about herself, pulling the jumper that she wore tighter about her body and made her way silently over to the bed.

She sat down gently in the curve between Rita's knees and her elbows.

"Rita?"

She touched her fingers to the rise in the duvet where Rita's shoulder was and felt her stiffen beneath the covers, her whole body was trembling, and when Connie gently eased the duvet from her face she squeezed her eyes closed, her face was wet from crying, her lips were swollen and parted and her breathing was shallow.

"Sweetheart..."

Connie exhaled, her throat ached suddenly. She had done this. She had caused Rita pain because of her own selfishness.

"I hate this."

Rita whispered, turning her face into the pillow as she struggled against a sob, fresh tears spilling from her eyes.

"I didn't mean to upset you."

Connie murmured, reaching out to stroke the hair from Rita's eyes as her face crumpled again.

"You didn't upset me. The situation upsets me."

Rita managed to choke, her eyes still screwed tightly closed and her jaw was set, her whole body rigid. Connie stared down at the carpet in the darkness.

"Do you want me to go?"

Rita whispered.

"Go?"

Connie repeated, her hand pausing, her fingertips against the damp flesh of Rita's temple.

"Do you want me to leave?"

Rita asked again, rephrasing herself.

"No!"

Connie exclaimed, drawing her hand away.

"No! I don't want you to leave!"

"Well what're we going to do?!"

Finally she opened her eyes, her body jerking and her breath hitching as she spoke, and she looked up at Connie, her face wet, her eyes sparkling.

"I've been speaking to Grace."

She said quietly.

"I told her why you were upset. I explained our situation."

Rita raised an eyebrow.

"You did?!"

"Mmm."

"What did she say?"

She asked after a pause.

Connie made to speak but her throat clogged and ached and she pursed her lips, blinking as she looked down at her hands, taking a moment to calm the sudden uproar of emotions before replying.

"She said that if we had a child together, then perhaps I would do a better job of it this time."

She whispered, turning away slightly, not wanting Rita to see the single tear that slipped from her eye and scuttered across the rise of her cheek to her lips.

Slowly Rita sat up, easing the covers from herself so that she could lean back against the head board, hugging her legs to her chest. Gently, without a word she extended a hand to Connie's, pressing the warmth of her palm against the other woman's.

Connie puffed out her cheeks and exhaled slowly.

"I think."

She said slowly.

"I think I can't be the one to deny you a child."

Rita withdrew her hand slowly, a rise of nausea throbbing in the back of her throat.

"I can't be without you."

She choked, touching her fingertips to her lips as though somehow that would hold back the tears.

Connie smiled a tight involuntary smile, her lips downturned, her eyes lowered to where her palm now lay alone and cold, upturned and pale in her lap.

"I'm selfish."

"Con-"

Rita interrupted her and she shook her head.

"Let me finish."

She murmured.

"I've always been selfish. I've always been driven...I've always put my needs above everyone else's, including Grace's."

She paused to swallow against the knot in her throat.

"But one thing I've never been, is in love. Not really, not like this."

She glanced to Rita, her expression unreadable.

"This, what we have is something else...it's the love you read about in books written by people so desperate to experience it that they have to create it themselves..."

She reached out to stroke tears that wet the curve of Rita's cheeks.

"And that's why...I think we should do it."

She felt her own body wince as she finally said it.

"Do it?"

Rita repeated as though she hadn't heard.

"Make that commitment to one another, move in together, get married, have a child together...not all at once I hasten to add..."

"But you said you didn't want another child!?"

Rita leant forwards slightly and Connie drew up her shoulders.

"I've thought about it. I will probably still be thinking about it for weeks to come. But this is what I want. You are what I want, and if I want to spend the rest of my life with the person that I love then I have to compromise. I realise now that I was thinking solely of myself. I didn't take into account that Grace has always wanted a sibling, I didn't think about how you, as a woman, would want to become a mother...and you're right. I won't be alone. I will be in a stable, loving relationship, and our child will have two parents who love one another...two parents who support one another."

"Connie..."

She let her head fall back against the wall, closing her eyes again, willing herself to believe her.

"I want to have a child with you."

Connie spoke louder this time, and Rita exhaled a quivering breath.

"I thought I was going to lose you."

She whispered, her words directed up to the ceiling.

"No..."

Connie shook her head and ran her fingertips from Rita's temple to her jaw, just savouring the way the light shone upon her tear stained face.

"No, you'll never lose me."

She smiled, letting her hand fall to where Rita's were folded in her lap, and as Rita moved her head to look back at her she leant forwards to kiss her, but just moments from her lips Rita jerked back, her eyes widening.

"Did you just say you wanted to marry me?!"

She asked.

-.-

This may or may not be the end to Connie's apprehensiveness about having another child... I'd be interested to know what you think! Whether or not you could imagine them having a child together?

Anyway, I hope the chapter was enjoyed :) More soon.