I pause after I walk into the trauma procedure room where Tobias is lying on the gurney, resting. I breathe deeply, trying to control the debilitating ache in my chest. He's usually so strong, vibrant, and full of life but now he's so pale and still. I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting but he just looks like he's sleeping. There are no visible injuries except for the redness and swelling on the left side of his neck where Drew injected the debilitating serum he's fighting. He does have an IV in the back of his left hand pumping fluids into his body, a blood pressure cuff attached to the same arm, and familiar looking electrodes attached to his bare chest indicating that it's more than a peaceful slumber.
I force my legs to carry me forward to his side. I pick up his right hand, holding it tightly between my own. Unfortunately, the skin on skin contact does nothing to calm me like it normally does. I have so many things to say to him but I can't talk right now because of the crushing emotions robbing me of my voice. I've never felt such fear, hatred, despondency, and loneliness in my entire life. The depth of each emotion is frightening in itself but when they're combined, the feeling is nearly suffocating. I try to hold back the wracking sobs but I can't, so I bury my head against his neck and let the pent up emotions I've felt since his assault flow out of me. I don't know how long I cry but when I pull back, I feel drained emotionally as well as physically.
"Oh, Tobias," I murmur. "You've got to wake up, baby. You can't leave me. I need you so much. The kids need you. Dauntless needs you. I can't make it in this life without you; you're my rock. You're my everything. I need you to come back to me. We have so much left to do, so much life left to live. You can't leave me." I press my lips against his ear in hopes that I can somehow break through the simulation and make him realize that whatever he is experiencing in his head isn't real. "I love you so much, Tobias Eaton. Can you hear me? I don't know what kind of simulation they put you under but it's not real, baby. You're in your head. I'm right here. The kids are here. All your friends were here until I sent them home for the night. Even my mom and dad are here. We all love you very much and want you to wake up." I think back to the last fear landscape he went through and his greatest fear. A strangled sob escapes my lips as a shiver moves through my body. "It's not real. I'm not dead, baby. The kids aren't dead. We're here, Tobias. You can't jump into the chasm. I promise you, we're here. Just wake up, please." I press my lips to his while I cup his face between my trembling fingers. "Please come back to me." I climb into bed beside him and wrap my arms around him, holding him tightly, doing my best to comfort him, comfort myself. I continue you talk to him like he's awake and listening to every word I say.
Suddenly his EKG starts acting erratically, and his heart rate skyrockets. I jump out of the bed and stare down at him, my hands hovering over him, wanting to help him get through this. Did I accidentally loosen one of the electrodes? It doesn't look like it. He doesn't look any different either but his pulse is higher than I've ever seen a person's. Zander comes bursting through the doors several minutes later even though in reality I'm sure it is only seconds followed by a number of his staff members. He barks for me to leave the room, and after arguing with him and losing, I stumble out the doors and across the hallway into the large room where my family is waiting, which is getting smaller by the second.
"What's going on?" Dad asks. "We heard a commotion."
"I'm not sure," I say. I can't believe how flat and lifeless my voice sounds. "I was talking to Tobias, trying to get him to snap out of the simulation, and his heart rate and blood pressure went through the roof. Zander kicked me out."
"You know doctors don't like working on patients with their loved ones in the room," Mom softly says, placing her hand comfortingly on my shoulder.
"I know but it doesn't make this any easier."
I pace back and forth in the open doorway, once again wondering what the hell is going on in that godforsaken room. If I ever see it again after today, it will be too soon. Seconds tick by turning into minutes, which transform into hours. I comfort Tyler when he has a nightmare and can only get him to fall back to sleep by promising him that his Daddy is going to be okay. I hope I don't live to regret that promise. I nurse Peanut not once but twice during the night and not to feel left out, Tessa decides that she needs my attention also. Isobel checks on me a couple times but has nothing new to offer. I try to stay positive but break down more than once. I'm standing in the doorway, leaning up against the jamb staring at the taunting, unmoving door when Isobel walks up the hall flanked by Purple-Hair and Snake-Tattoo. I turn and look at my mom who's on the bed with the kids and tell her I'll be right back.
"Do any of you have an update for me? Have you caught any of them?"
"You're not going to like this," Purple-Hair says. I find myself holding my breath waiting for whatever it is he has to tell me. "We found Drew. It appeared that he died of his gunshot wounds before we could find him … until we looked closer. He actually was stabbed through the heart with what looks like one precise blow." Stabbed? Olivia? She was pissed at him for injecting Tobias with the Frankenstein Serum but would she go as far as to kill a dying man?
"Has there been any word on Molly, Olivia, or Lauren?" I ask. I look over my shoulder and glance at the door. They put him in that room and if it's the last thing I do, I'll make them pay.
"Molly's dead, too," Snake-Tattoo slowly says. I whip my head around, unsure of what I just heard.
"That can't be right," I murmur. "Drew and Molly are both dead?"
"Each were killed with a single stab wound to the heart, ma'am," Purple-Hair says.
"Tris. My name is Tris not ma'am," I blurt. I hate it when they call me ma'am, and they know it. "Olivia bragged about them teaching her how to use a knife. She even pulled one on Four and me. Threatened to carve a smile into my face. I doubt they knew she would turn on them in the end."
"What would her motive be to kill her friends?" Purple-Hair asks.
"She was livid when Drew injected Four," I say. "For as insane as she is, her feelings for my husband are genuine. She obviously thinks he's dead so she killed them."
"We don't have any proof of that," Snake-Tattoo says.
"Direct evidence? No, but she threatened me and got into a verbal altercation with Molly over Drew's actions. That is proof enough for me. I want her brought in unharmed but if it comes down to either her or you, don't hesitate to take her out. She may appear to just be a silly little girl but the fact is, she is highly unstable, unpredictable, and extremely dangerous. Now that she's killed twice, I don't think she would hesitate to do it again. I want her to be your personal priority. Put someone you trust on Lauren's case."
"There's a problem with that," Purple-Hair says. "We can't find her and there's been no indication of where to start looking. She's not exactly covering her tracks but she isn't screaming, 'Here I am. Look at me, look at me,' either." I take a step closer to the two giant men.
"I want all resources allocated to finding Olivia and Lauren," I say. "No one sleeps until it's done. What did you do with Molly and Drew's bodies?"
"They've been brought into the infirmary for autopsy," Snake-Tattoo says.
"Very well," I say. "Do you have anything else for me?"
"No, Tris," they say in unison.
"Go then," I say. "Find them. Report back with an update at 9 a.m." They turn and walk away without a goodbye. I'm sure they probably think I'm being harsh but I want these bitches brought in, and I want it done now. Even though I'm fine with the fact that Mr. Black, Molly, and Drew all are dead, I wanted them to face justice for what they did not have Olivia take matters into her own hands. There are so many unanswered questions. "Do you have an update on Four's condition? What's going on in there? It's been hours now, Isobel. I'm going crazy here." My heart constricts painfully in my chest. I'm not sure it will ever be the same again.
"Dr. Parrish is having a hard time getting him stabilized," she softly says. "His heart rate is once again dangerously elevated. He's trying everything he knows how to do but nothing is working so far. He's even put in another request for peace serum, although he's skeptical it will work."
"I wish we knew exactly what was going on in his mind," I say. "Has anyone tried talking to Tori? Has she given an indication of what it was like?"
"I'm afraid she has no memory of her time under the serum," she says after she hesitates for a moment. "They gave her memory serum."
"What?" I'm appalled by what I'm learning. "Why didn't someone give me this information sooner?"
"Dr. Parrish has been working tirelessly to stabilize your husband's condition, Tris," she says. "He only received confirmation earlier today."
"Of course. I'm sorry, Isobel. I shouldn't take my frustration out on you," I say. I rub my face and do my best to suppress a yawn but it escapes anyway.
"You really should get some rest, Tris," she says. "You won't be of any good to anyone if you push yourself past the point of exhaustion."
"I'm not sleeping until he wakes up," I say. "He needs me."
"Alright," she sighs. "I know better than to argue with you once your mind is made up."
"Do you know if the memory serum was part of a new concoction or was it given separately? Did they give it to Four, too?" A new kind of panic sets in. What if he can't remember me when he wakes up? What if he looks at his beloved children and doesn't recognize their angelic faces? What if the past year is all I'll ever have with him because he doesn't want me anymore?
"Relax, Tris," she says, recognizing my increasing anxiety. "You're working yourself up over nothing. He wasn't given memory serum, only the advanced death serum the others were given."
"Which is bad enough," I mutter.
"Yes, it is," she says.
"Do you have any idea what kind of long-term effects, if any, this serum will have?" I ask, rubbing my head as it throbs painfully.
"We have the lab here and at Erudite testing blood and tissue samples from Sam, Harrison, Frankie, Tori, and Four to determine the answer to that very question. The truth is, we just don't know." The thought of Erudite researchers having access to Tori and Tobias' blood and tissue samples should concern me but right now all I can think about is him waking up and coming back to me.
"Thanks for the information," I say. "I need some time alone." She reaches out and squeezes my shoulder.
"I'm here for you if you need anything, Tris," she says. "All you have to do is ask, just remember that."
"Thanks, Isobel." I take a few deep breaths then wander up and down the hallway, although I maintain visual contact with that damned door. My mind races with the new information I just learned. I can't believe that Molly and Drew are both dead. I thought I would feel relief that they're gone and can no longer hurt us but instead I feel cheated. I want to know exactly why they did what they did. Of course we have our theories but I wanted to hear the twisted truth from their lips. Olivia took that away from me. Suddenly the hatred I have for her surges. I pull my phone out not caring that it's too early to call and dial Zeke.
"Hey," he says when he answers his phone. He doesn't sound like he's been asleep. "Any new news on Four?" I'm irrationally pissed that he got to ask the first question.
"Not really. He stabilized after he was given some peace serum but then his heart rate and blood pressure went through the roof again. Isobel told me that Zander's having a hard time stabilizing him again. I haven't seen him in hours. I'm so scared, Zeke," I say. The ire I was just feeling mere seconds ago dies. "Did I wake you up? I'm sorry if I did."
"No, I've been in the control room all night looking for Molly, Drew, Olivia, and Lauren on security camera footage. James and Nathan are here with me," he says. "It hasn't been easy retracing their steps because of the cameras being shut off again. I swear I'm going to figure out a way to make sure cameras can't be turned off ever again, although then I wouldn't be able to erase sex tapes for friends." I laugh for the first time since I saw Drew inject the serum into Tobias' neck, which I'm sure is exactly what he was going for.
"Right now I'd give anything to be caught by you again," I say.
"Even though I know you don't mean that, I know what you're saying," he says. He's quiet for a moment and I think I hear him fighting tears. I've only heard him like this once before, when Hana was attacked. "He'll pull through this, Tris. He's the strongest guy I know. There's nothing in this world that would make him leave you and the kids. He loves to too much."
"I hope you're right," I say. "Hey, did Simon or Tony call you with news about Molly and Drew?"
"Um, no," he slowly says sounding confused. Why isn't the communication better during this critical time? I shouldn't have to give them orders.
"Molly and Drew are both dead," I say matter-of-factly. I hear him gasp on the other end of the line.
"How?"
"Apparently, Olivia killed them both," I speculate, "although, I don't have concrete evidence of it."
"Damn."
"Do you have any leads on her or Lauren?" I ask. "I would feel a little better if I could tell Four they are in custody when he wakes up
"Shauna phoned about 45 minutes ago. She had a tip on Lauren's whereabouts but she hasn't called back with an update," he says.
"Please tell me she has back-up with her," I say.
"An entire team," he says. "She's safe. You don't have to worry about her." Thank God! I don't think I can worry about anything else right now. "I know this is a stupid question but how are you? How are the kids? You're not alone are you?"
"No, I'm not alone. My parents are here with me. I tried to send them home but they wouldn't go, and to tell you the truth, I'm glad they stayed," I say then I sigh. "How am I doing? I don't know, Zeke. I've never felt this … numb before." It's the only word I can think of to describe this emotionless feeling. "He has to wake up. I don't know what I would do without him."
"Don't talk that way," he says. "He's going to be just fine." He's right. I've got to stop thinking the worst.
"I hope you're right," I say as I hear a muffled cry. "I'm sorry, Zeke, but I've got to go. Teagan needs me." We say our goodbyes then I head to my daughter.
"I told you that your mommy would be back soon," my mom says.
"Come here, baby girl," I say as I lift her out of my mother's arms. "You shouldn't be hungry yet." I sit down in the lone vacant leather chair in the corner of the room under the bare, dimly lit bulb and tuck her into my embrace just right. I look down into the face of one of the four people in this world I know I can't live without, and a single tear slides down my cheek but I quickly wipe the moisture away. "Did you just want your mommy, my sweet girl?" She nuzzles my breast but doesn't act like she's hungry and within a few minutes she falls back to sleep. "I can't believe you're five weeks old already. It seems just like yesterday your daddy and I saw you for the first time on the ultrasound. You looked like a perfect, precious little peanut. I was so scared when my water broke on that train but your daddy helped me through every single second until I was holding you in my arms. He loves you so much. I do, too." I feel eyes on me and look up to find my mom gazing lovingly at me. I forgot I wasn't alone. "Thank you for sitting with us tonight." I look at my dad. "You don't know what this means to me."
"There's no place else we would rather be," Mom says.
"Any time you need us, we'll be here for you, Beatrice," Dad says. "We know this is hard for you."
"I just wish he would wake up," I sigh. "I don't understand what is taking so long." I half expect a lecture about patience and good thoughts from my father but don't receive it. Hell, part of me wishes he would lay into me. I don't like everyone pussyfooting around me like I might break. If they have something to say, I wish they would just say it. Maybe a confrontation would make me feel alive right now because honestly, I feel hollow, numb, dead. I think that's why I want Olivia and Lauren found so badly so I can yell at them.
"Tris?" Zander asks as he walks into the room. I jump to my feet when I hear his voice.
"Can I see him?" I ask. "I need to see him, Zander."
"I need to speak to you in private," he says, not quite making eye contact. The look on his face makes all the air go out of my lungs. "Why don't you give Teagan to your father?" I look behind me and am surprised to see him standing right there with Mom beside him. I didn't see either one of them get up. And why is everyone wearing the same face? My heart begins to pound painfully in my chest, and I finally drag in an agonized breath into my aching lungs. They're not telling me something or maybe that's the problem, they have something to tell me that they know I don't want to hear. I put Peanut in my father's arms and kiss her head before blindly following Zander out into the hallway. "Tris, I'm so sorry. I did everything I could do but the serum was too much for Tobias. He didn't make it." Arms wrap around my waist just in time to keep me from wilting to the dirty tile floor. I want to struggle against the embrace because they aren't the loving arms of my beloved but all fight goes out of me when I realize I'll never feel him hold me again. I suddenly feel myself being dragged backward then being sat down in a chair. A heavy, suffocating weight tightens my chest.
"I need to see him, Zander," I whisper, nearly choking on the unshed tears in my throat. I can barely hear my own voice coming out of my mouth. "I need to see my husband."
"Of course," he says. He helps me to my feet and across the hall. With one arm holding me up, he opens the door to the exam room with the other then guides me over the threshold. I stifle a sob as I look around. The monitor that was erratically sounding earlier is now silent. The love of my life is gone, ripped away from me at such a young age by a deranged bitch. The tears I was desperately trying to hold back stream down my face as pain unlike anything I've ever felt before rips through my body. I'm surprised my legs hold me up. Maybe they're not. Maybe it's Zander who's keeping me upright. I break loose from his embrace and hurry to Tobias' side and crawl into bed beside him. I curl my body around his and cry into his chest. He's still warm but I feel no heartbeat beneath my trembling fingertips. This cannot be happening. I think of all the things we have planned, things we'll never get to do, and a new wave of crushing despair washes over me. I cry so hard I cry myself to sleep.
My sleep is restless though. It's plagued by disturbing nightmares. I can hear Tobias calling out to me but try as I might, I can't find him. I search and search through a dense darkness trying to make my way to him but thick sludge makes it seem like I'm moving backward. My feet finally break free from the muck, and I run toward his voice, which gets closer and closer. I think that if I open my eyes I will come face to face with him but I know that's impossible. He was taken away from me forever. New tears build behind my eyes.
"Tris, please wake up, love." This time his voice sounds so real, like it's hovering right above me, and the pain I hear in it is palpable. "She's crying, Zander. Do something. She must be in pain." Just as I feel my blood begin to pulse violently through my veins, I hear an erratic, quickening beeping sound surround me. I fight to open my eyes, knowing that I won't like what I find when I do but I do it anyway. My lashes flutter open, and I realize I'm still dreaming but I'll take it because my love's handsome face is staring down at me. "There you are." His voice is full of emotion, and as good as it is to see him, he looks like hell.
"Tobias?" My voice surprises me. It's rough, raw. "Such a lovely dream," I mutter. "I don't ever want to wake up." Surprise and then confusion registers on his face. "I miss you so much. Why did you leave me?"
"Love, what are you talking about?" he asks. "What do you think happened?" I reach up and caress his heavily stubbled face and am surprised by the IV port in my left hand.
"You died," I say staring at the IV. Confusion sweeps over me. "Why is that there? What the hell's going on?"
"Love, you're in the infirmary. Olivia attacked you," he slowly says, running his hand through my hair. "You've been unconscious for over 48 hours. You're the one who almost died." 48 hours?
"Wait, what?"