Hey everyone! Great news, I'm still alive and working on this fic!

I realized a while ago that January was the one year anniversary of this story. I really wanted to post a chapter on that day, but unfortunately didn't get to :/

Anyways, I really want to thank you all, especially those who've stuck to this story from the very beginning and those who consistently reviewed. I really wasn't expecting so many people to like this story so it means a lot to me!

I hope this chapter was worth the wait because it's the most important one (and I think the longest too?)

Enjoy!

Chapter 16

Thank You

"SHE HATES ME ICHIGO! SHE ABSOLUTELY HATES ME!" Kenpachi wailed and buried his face into his giant hands. While Ichigo was typing Toshiro's story for his still unnamed book, Kenpachi started banging the door so hard, Ichigo was convinced it would break down. And something about it told Ichigo that Kenpachi was going to break down the door because just as Toshiro opened it, Kenpachi burst in and crashed into the wall. The guy had ran in with so much force that he lay on the ground completely knocked out for a solid five minutes before getting back up, grabbing Ichigo's shoulders, and shaking him so violently that Ichigo thought his neck would snap. Now, Kenpachi was sitting on Ichigo's bed and crying about how Unohana "hated" him.

"Calm down, calm down," Ichigo said, awkwardly patting Kenpachi's back. "Just tell me what happened." He briefly glanced at Toshiro, who seemed to be struggling to keep his eyes from rolling.

Breathing heavily, Kenpachi looked up and replied, "I was running over to Unohana to ask her if she wanted to hang out-"

"Wait wait wait," Ichigo said. "You were going to ask Unohana out? Kenpachi, you-"

"I know it was stupid!" Kenpachi snapped. "But I just saw her and I couldn't help myself. So I asked her out and Unohana thought I was trying to make another move on her, like ask her if she wanted to fuck. So she started yelling at me." Kenpachi stopped and whimpered.

"What did she say exactly?" Ichigo asked.

Kenpachi hesitated. "Well she started out telling me how I should stop harassing her and again threatened to call the cops…"

"Uh huh…"

"And then I said that if she really didn't enjoy it she would've called the cops already…"

Ichigo swallowed. He knew where this was going.

"And then she started telling me how she could lose her job and people would slut-shame her and then she started talking about how rape victims often don't call tell others for reasons like that." Kenpachi buried his face in his hands. "And now I just feel like an asshole and she completely hates me now and everything is just awful."

Choosing his words carefully, Ichigo replied, "I wouldn't say she hates you but Unohana is right: advancing on her the way you did before is problematic. Just apologize to her and show that you know what you did was wrong. If she forgives you, great. If she doesn't, just give her some space."

"W-What do I say though?" Kenpachi sputtered. "A simple 'sorry' isn't enough."

"You're right," Ichigo said. "It's not. That's why Toshiro and I are going to help you come up with a nice, long apology." Ichigo turned to Toshiro, who had winced at the offer. "Right, Toshiro?"

Toshiro sighed. "Fine." As he walked over to them, he shot Ichigo a glare that seemed to say, "you owe me."

"OK," Ichigo said, clapping his hands together. "Toshiro, get a pencil and paper. Kenpachi, think of what you want to say."

Toshiro opened Ichigo's bed-side table and pulled out a pencil and sheet of paper. He handed the two items to Kenpachi, who took it reluctantly and stared sheepishly at the blank space.

After what seemed liked forever, Kenpachi tossed the pencil and paper aside. "I can't fucking do this, Ichigo," he said dejectedly.

Ichigo's eyes widened, absolutely baffled by Kenpachi's lack of determination. "Yes you can!"

"No I can't!"

"And why can't you?"

"I just can't."

"There's obviously a reason, Kenpachi. Why can't you write an apology?"

"I'm not a great writer."

"You wrote Unohana that poem once."

"Only because I had help."

"Toshiro and I are here to help you write this letter too."

"Still, I can't write anything."

Ichigo's temper was quickly rising. He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself down. "Why the fuck not?"

"BECAUSE I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH TO!" Kenpachi broke out. "I BARELY GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL AND NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE! YES I DID FUCKING WRITE A POEM BEFORE BUT ONLY BECAUSE I HAD A SHIT TON OF HELP. YOU, RANGIKU, AND TOSHIRO ACTUALLY PRACTICALLY WROTE IT FOR ME. BUT THIS LETTER IS DIFFERENT. THIS LETTER IS FOR SHOWING UNOHANA HOW DEEPLY SORRY I AM FOR EVERYTHING. IF I CAN'T WRITE EVEN HALF OF IT BY MYSELF THEN I DON'T DESERVE TO EVEN LOOK AT HER!"

The three of them sat there, with the only sounds being Kenpachi's heavy breaths. Ichigo was too surprised to break the silence. Never before had he seen Kenpachi so defeated; no matter how hopeless the situation seemed, Kenpachi always faced it confidently, even arrogantly.

Ichigo quickly searched his minds for the right words to say. "Look, Kenpachi…"

All of a sudden, Toshiro got up and said, "You know what Kenpachi? You're right. You incapable of writing a decent apology letter…"

Ichigo whirled around. "Toshiro, what the-"

"…if you keep telling yourself you can't," Toshiro continued. "Kenpachi, if there's anything I know about you, it's that you can accomplish whatever you set your mind on. Remember when you wanted to befriend me when you saw I was alone? I fucking hated your persistence at first, but look where we are now. You're one of my closest friends and I trust you with my life." He paused and grinned. "If you want to apologize to Unohana, then fucking go apologize to her!"

There was another moment of silence, but this time Ichigo was pleasantly surprised. He never would've in a million years imagined Toshiro giving an inspirational speech.

Kenpachi said in quiet, surprised tone, "You actually trust me with your life?"

"Only sometimes. Let's be real, you could also be the reason why I die. Remember when you thought it would be fun for us to try to join the Yakuza?"

Kenpachi howled with laugher. "That was hilarious, though! They actually came to visit us and you almost pissed yourself!"

Toshiro flushed. "That was not funny at all, are you kidding me? We almost got kicked out of here!"

"It's still the coolest thing you ever probably did and will do though," Kenpachi retorted. His gaze softened. "Well, besides what you did just now."

Kenpachi stood up and wrapped his giant arms around Toshiro's miniature body. Ichigo stifled a laugh; Toshiro looked as if all his bones would break.

Kenpachi released Toshiro, who started gasping for air. "Thanks, Toshiro. I seriously owe you one." He turned to Ichigo. "And thank you too, Ichigo."

Ichigo raised his hands, feeling slightly awkward. "Hey don't thank me. That was all Toshiro just now."

"But you still offered to help," Kenpachi said. "And I will come to you for help if I can't think of the perfect word to use." Kenpachi stretched himself and crossed his arms. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go write my letter."

He marched out of the room, closing the door with a loud bang. After a few seconds, someone knocked on the door. When Ichigo opened it, he saw Kenpachi outside with a sheepish grin.

"I just remembered that I don't have a paper and pencil."

Ichigo and Toshiro both chuckled. For a body builder in his thirties, Kenpachi sure acted like a kid sometimes. Toshiro picked up the paper and pencil Kenpachi had thrown away and handed them to him.

"OK, now I go," Kenpachi said and marched off.

As Ichigo closed the door, he turned to Toshiro and said, "You're a good friend, you know."

Toshiro shrugged. "Eh, I guess." Despite his nonchalant tone, his eyes flickered with pride.

The dance room was empty.

Knitting his eyebrows, Ichigo walked to the right wall and sat down against it. He leaned his head back. Normally, Rukia arrived earlier than he did. On any other day, Ichigo wouldn't have cared too much.

But this was different.

Ichigo shut his eyes as he recalled yesterday's practice. Rukia had just suddenly taken off during their practice. For what reason, Ichigo had no idea. It wasn't anything strange was happening. They were just dancing…

Ichigo felt a strange ripple in his heart at the memory of looking into Rukia's eyes. They really were beautiful; her eyes were one of the first things he had noticed about her. But somehow, they seemed different yesterday. They had completely captivated Ichigo and made him feel as if he lost all control of himself. It was actually quite scary. The last time he felt like that was when he and Orihime-

Ichigo's train of thought was interrupted by the sound of footsteps from outside.

"Sorry I'm late!" Rukia exclaimed, her cheeks flushed as if she had been running. "I just… took a while to get ready."

Ichigo could tell she was lying, but didn't ask any questions. "It's fine," he replied. "I was actually afraid you weren't going to come." Ichigo stopped. He had added that last part without thinking. Actually, he hadn't even realized he felt that way until now.

"Yeah…" Rukia mumbled. She didn't seem to know how to respond. "Anyways, let's begin."

Practice began the same way it usually did: Ichigo and Rukia dancing their routine. All the steps were done without any clumsiness or awkwardness, yet everything felt completely off. Rukia had lost her usual flair and looked so distracted by something.

Ichigo placed his hand on Rukia's back and dipper her down. Her head tilted back and once again, Ichigo could see the arch of her neck. He lifted her up and their eyes met and for a split second, Ichigo's heart stopped and everything around him seemed to freeze.

Then, Ichigo realized that both he and Rukia had stopped moving.

It was like déjà vu. Ichigo was sure that Rukia was going to run off like yesterday.

But she didn't. She didn't even look uncomfortable. Instead, she stood there and held his gaze, with an intense, unreadable expression on her face. She seemed to be waiting for him to do something.

Ichigo's heart was racing so fast, he thought it would burst from his chest. Without thinking, he leaned down and he could smell her sweet scent.

When their lips were centimeters apart, Rukia jerked back looking absolutely horrified. "No no no…" she murmured repeatedly as she stepped away from Ichigo. "No, I can't do this." She clutched her head with her hands as if she were having a terrible migraine.

Ichigo's chest felt as if he had just been stabbed. "I'm-I'm sorry Rukia. I-"

Rukia shook her head vigorously. "No no, it's not your fault." She leaned against the wall and slid down, bending her legs and wrapping her arms around them. She hid her face behind them.

Ichigo hesitated, unsure what to do, before slowly making his way toward her and sitting down beside her.

After what felt like hours of silence, Rukia slowly looked up. Her face was a little puffy and her eyes were red with tears. "Ichigo, how much do you know about me?"

"What?"

"How much do you know about my past?"

Well, you grew up under the strict care of business mogul Byakuya Kuchiki. You were close with his wife and learned to dance from her. You became a lawyer and got married. And then your husband died and you started living here.

Rukia quickly wiped her tears away. "You know… I didn't have any friends growing up. My brother's power intimidated everyone and my introverted tendencies made it even more difficult. I was close with his wife, Hisana, but she died of sickness when I was in middle school. I was so alone."

She paused, and Ichigo wondered if he was supposed to say something until she continued, "And then I went to college and met two people: Kaien and Miyako. Miyako was like a sister to me and Kaien… well we eventually started dating." Rukia's voice cracked when she said that last word.

"Kaien was my first everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first love… I was actually convinced we were going to get married." Rukia let out a hoarse laugh. "Then one night I was walking out. It was on a whim, yet it changed everything. Because as I was walking, I saw Kaien and Miyako together. Before I could say 'hi' to them, they wrapped their arms around each other and…" Rukia's voice choked up. "I felt so betrayed. I confronted them and found out they were seeing each other for half a year already. I told them I would never speak with them again. I deleted their numbers and blocked them on Facebook. I wanted nothing to do with them."

Rukia's eyes were brimming with tears. "Then one night, a few weeks later, Kaien showed up at my door drunk, very drunk. He grabbed me and kept rambling about how he loved and missed me so much and that we needed to get back together. He dragged me to my room and I couldn't fight back, he was too strong." Tears were streaming down Rukia's face like silver rivers. Ichigo put his arm around Rukia and held her close. He knew what was going to happen and the thought made his stomach clench.

"He raped me!" Rukia sounded as if she had to force herself to say it. "He took my virginity! And when it was all over, he collapsed on me completely passed out. When I regained my strength, I threw him off of me and his head hit the edge of my bedside table so hard and he never woke up. The police came-apparently a neighbor heard my screams-and took his body away. They didn't arrest me since it was out of self-defense and even thought it was, even though Kaien deserved it, a part of me couldn't help but feel guilty. Because regardless of the reason, I still killed someone and Byakuya was at some meeting and there was no way I could bring myself to call him. I thought I was completely alone."

Ichigo held Rukia tighter. Listening to Rukia made his chest heavy.

"But I wasn't. One of the cops…he personally knew a girl who had been raped. He saw how much it could impact a person's life. He visited me every day after work and spent time with me. He never really mentioned it. He just did whatever he could to make me happy and before I knew it, I was in love again and this time, he loved me back."

Rukia let out a sob. "His name was Renji; Abarai, Renji. We got married and I thought everything would be OK. But we never consummated our marriage. Every time we were about to do it, I would get flashbacks and I'd scream and Renji would stop and hold me. After some time, we stopped trying."

Rukia wiped her tears. "And then, one night, Renji was chasing some burglar. And the burglar turned around, pulled out a gun, and fired. Renji…didn't make it and I felt so alone again. I don't know what happened exactly but one day, I was having a meeting with my boss who always had a thing for me even though he was married and at least twenty years older than me. Something inside me snapped and we did it and then I was doing it with all my other colleagues. I was addicted. Soon after I did it with a lady colleague, she realized something was wrong and talked to me. I-I completely broke down and told her everything. Her husband is a therapist that works here, so she thought it would be a good idea to check myself in and meet with him. Byakuya was furious when he found out. He got her fired and made sure we never saw each other. He even had me assigned to Dr. Ukitake instead of the husband. The only reason why he let me stay was because he heard about the rumors and didn't want me to fuck up again."

More tears fell from her eyes. "It's been three years and I'm still the same as before. I'm still messed up."

For the first time since she opened up, she met Ichigo's eyes and he saw all the pain she felt in her watery, night colored eyes. He saw how much of a failure she felt and for the first time, Ichigo understood. He completely understood her.

"It's not true, you know," Ichigo said softly. "You're not still the same as before. When I first met you, you seemed to not care about anything. And you were alone, always alone. And you seemed scared to change that: always so hostile and cold to everyone." Ichigo smiled slightly at the memory of their first encounter, how Rukia was so reluctant to even shake hands with him. "But you're no longer like that. You're smiling and laughing more and you're friends with me, Rangiku, Toshiro, Kenpachi, and my family. Your eyes have life in them now. You don't realize it, Rukia, but you've changed. You've grown. And even though you'll never be the same as you were before, you'll be a new Rukia. You'll be a Rukia that was strong enough to survive so many hardships and grow even stronger." Ichigo wiped the tears from Rukia's cheeks with his thumb. "And you won't be alone."

Rukia's eyes filled up with tears again. She buried her face into Ichigo's shoulders and began sobbing. Ichigo held her even closer and rested the hand that was on her shoulder on her head and slowly ran his fingers through her silky hair.

And then, Rukia was mumbling something. It took Ichigo several seconds to understand that she was saying "thank you" over and over again. "Thank you."

Ichigo leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. He didn't know why, but suddenly he was thinking about how Rukia blamed herself for Kaien's death. The thought sent a chill down his back and seemed to bring out some distant memory. As it was happening, Ichigo suddenly realized why he thought of Kaien's death and winced.

Rukia froze and slowly looked up. "I-Ichigo? What's wrong?"

Ichigo felt numb. "What do you mean?"

"Your body got stiff all of a sudden. What happened?"

Ichigo rubbed his temple. His head was suddenly in so much pain. "I…uh…"

"You don't have to talk about it if you're not comfortable doing so," Rukia said quickly. "Don't feel obligated to say something just because I did."

Rukia's words hit Ichigo hard and suddenly, he knew he had to let it out. "I do want to talk about it though," Ichigo replied firmly. "I have to."

This whole time, Ichigo had been so scared to bring that memory out. Every time it would resurface, Ichigo would shove it away and lock it up. Urahara kept telling him over and over that he was only hurting himself and although Ichigo knew that somewhere in the back of his head, he refused to let it all out.

But now, he was ready.

Ichigo took a deep breath. "This might be difficult for you to believe but…I didn't really have friends during my childhood. I was so awkward and my hair color turned everyone off. Before I met Chad, Uryu, Keigo, Mizuiro, and Orihime in high school, my only friend was Tatsuki. And really, the only reason why we became friends was because our karate coach paired us up together." Ichigo smirked. "Tatsuki hated me at first. She was the top student in the class and I was the worst. She beat me to a pulp every time we sparred. I think that's why we were paired up together all the time; our coach thought training with each other would benefit me."

The smirk fell from Ichigo's face. "Whenever I lost a match, I'd cry so much. It was so embarrassing but I couldn't help it. Everyone would make fun of me and that'd make things worse. But as soon as I saw my mother, I'd stop crying and start smiling."

An image of a beautiful lady with light brown hair and warm brown hairs flashed through Ichigo's mind. He didn't try to block it.

"My mother…was the center of my world. She always knew what to say and do. I loved her more than anyone else. Then one day, one rainy day…" Ichigo swallowed. "My mother was walking home with me from karate class. We were talking and holding hands and laughing and some man stopped us. I don't know if he was drunk or sober, but he was into my mother." Ichigo shut his eyes as he heard two familiar voices.

"Damn, you is fine. Want to have a few drinks with me?"

"I'm married."

"Ah come on! Don't be so prude."

"Ichigo, let's go."

"Oh you're not going anywhere."

"There was… a struggle," Ichigo stammered. "I guess in order to weaken my mother, the man decided to cut her with his knife. But my mother was moving so much, that the cut went a lot deeper then he probably planned."

Ichigo's head was swimming. He could see the man's face turn white at the realization of what he'd done and let go of her and sprint away. He could see his mother step back shakily before collapsing on the hard, wet pavement. He could see the blood gushing from her torso and the back of her head. He could see the look of panic in his mother's eyes, which had looked so warm and happy just minutes ago. He could smell the rain and feel the terror he felt from not being able to save his mother. Oh, it was so real.

"Ichigo! Ichigo!" Ichigo blinked and glanced at Rukia, who was staring at him with concern.

"You got quiet all of a sudden," Rukia whispered.

Ichigo's eyes burned. He was tearing up. "I-I couldn't protect her," he rasped. "I know that I was so young that there wasn't anything I could do but…I can't help but feel as if I could've saved her. My parents…they named me "Ichigo" because one definition is "one who protects." When my mother told me that, I knew that I wanted nothing more than to be able to protect my loved ones. And I failed to protect her."

As the words came out, it suddenly occurred to Ichigo that he hadn't been mentally healthy since that time. He had succeeded to bury memory for a while, but as he grew older, it became more difficult to hide it and attempts to forget only hurt him. The rage he felt when he saw Orihime with Grimmjow…some of it may have actually come from the pain and anger he felt from losing his mother. As Ichigo thought about it, he realized that Grimmjow and that man somewhat resembled each other: both were tall, muscular, and had spiky hair.

Rukia said nothing. Instead, she placed her tiny hand on his head and slowly moved it so that he was leaning on her shoulder. The gesture was simple, but comforting. Ichigo closed his eyes.

"I don't know your mother well," Rukia murmured. "But I don't think she'd want you to beat yourself up over it."

Ichigo opened his eyes and stared at Rukia. It was ironic how he had told Rangiku something similar and yet, never thought to think of that towards his own situation.

"You're growing, too, you know," Rukia added with a gentle smile that made Ichigo stop breathing and his heart ache.

Ichigo gave a small smile in return. The scent of rain was fading and Ichigo felt a lot lighter, as if a heavy weight was lifted off of him. Before he could stop himself, he touched his lips to Rukia's forehead. He couldn't tell if she was blushing or if her face was still red from her tears.

"Thank you, Rukia."

OK so this chapter was really angsty and I hope it wasn't too much, or that it felt too rushed. This chapter was originally gonna be chapter 15 but I pushed it back because I was worried it would feel too soon.

I really wanna know how you guys feel about this. I hoped it didn't disappoint, because it was difficult to write and you all had to wait a while.

Thank you!