Author's Note: I'm sorry for the super long delay in updating! Real life went insane after fanexpo, but it is finally calming down a bit!
I tried to get these next 5 or 6 scenes into one chapter and I just couldn't give them the dedication that they deserved if I tried to rush it all, so I've broken them up in what seemed a good place. I hope you enjoy the blossoming relationship between the Doctor, Donna and the Tardis... Family is what you want it to be!
Also, yes the Doctor thinks in a mix of English and Gallifreyan. After talking with many bilingual people over the years, I've discovered that most find that their thoughts eventually become a mix of all the languages that they know and they slip seamlessly between each language in their head without even realizing it. Hope that helps the Doctor's journal make sense!
Thanks as always for all the notes and encouragement! especially to basmathgirl, sarahjag and dm1! Love to you all!
With the Tardis safely underway, the Doctor dove head first into all the data that the Tardis had been able to glean from her scan of the Medusa Cascade. The readings though were hardly complete and the Doctor knew that he wouldn't really have an idea of what he was dealing with until they actually arrived at their destination.
Donna couldn't help but smile softly as she watched him bustle around the control room, pulling up grates to rummage around in his storage areas before he dropped beneath the control console and carefully began to modify the Tardis' controls to act as a rudimentary rift manipulator similar to the one in Torchwood.
She was overwhelmed with the blaze of information flying between the Doctor and the Tardis, the figures and calculations were stunningly simplistic one moment and then completely foreign the next. She wondered if it would always be that way, if she would always have faint imprints of memory from the Doctor's own consciousness, only to feel the flashes disappear like a wisp of smoke.
She knew that he still worried over those flashes, but she had to wonder if they were only because of the intensity of the bond that she shared with him. Sometimes their minds were so lost in the other that she didn't know whose thoughts were flitting through her mind, and though it should frighten her, nothing had ever felt more right. She could tell that he was reveling in the contact far more than she was and that more and more he couldn't completely disengage from her mind, though the contact did ebb and flow depending on what he was focusing on at the time.
This was one of those times where his mind was so engrossed in his work with the Tardis, that his touch in her mind was barely an echo. It was just enough to let her know that the bond was still there and a part of him, but not enough to let her be completely overwhelmed by his intensity. She found it strange to suddenly be somewhat alone with her thoughts after having been so intimately connected with the Doctor's mind for the last few days.
Without the constant warmth of his thoughts within hers, she felt her exhaustion beating at her more fully then she had before they landed on earth. She also was far more aware of how grimy she felt from everything that had happened and she found herself longing for a nice long bath.
With that thought uppermost in her mind, she brushed her fingertips lightly along his shoulder as she made her way to her room, the contact caused the Doctor's head to jerk up and his eyes to blink owlishly while he tried to focus on her. "Is everything alright?"
She nodded and bent down beside the hole that he was crouched in, trying to fight the smile when she saw the dark smear of something across his left cheek and his hair sticking up so wildly it almost looked like he had come into contact with live electricity. Which when she considered the open panels down in that hole, it was a distinct possibility.
"Yes, Doctor, everything's alright. I just was going to clean up a bit. After yesterday with everything that happened and some of the things we were walking through, it just makes my skin crawl." She didn't have to fake the shudder that ran through her body when she remembered the layers of dust that they had run through and in some cases even choked on.
She very purposely was not focusing on those events until she was able to sit down with her own thoughts and dissect her feelings properly. This actually seemed like the perfect time to try to sort through the jumble of emotions and terror that had been her constant companion for the last few days.
The Doctor frowned softly when he saw the look in her eyes, his hand rising up to brush against hers lightly while he let his mind reach out to hers once more. She was exhausted and had been fighting against it for a while now while he had jumped headfirst into preparing the Tardis for what they would find in the Medusa Cascade. Her thoughts were even more of a jumble then he had remembered and he could tell that she desperately needed time to sort through it all.
"Are you sure you're going to be alright? I'm sorry, I just sort of dove in here when we got underway and I didn't pause to think about it first." The abashed look on his face was completely ruined by the mark on his cheek and his crazy hair, she couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled from deep within as she reached up to try to smooth his hair into some semblance of order before finally just giving up and rubbing the goop off his cheek.
"Yes, Doctor. I'll be alright. And no, I don't mean Time Lord alright. I really will be alright. I just need some time to sort through everything. I'm actually more worried about you, you look like you've forgotten all the rules about dealing with electricity!"
He shook his head and grumbled softly up at the control console above them. "Nah, she just gets very nervous and tetchy whenever I'm tinkering down here. She likes to remind me to be extra careful around the temporal regulator and sometimes gets carried away."
Donna laughed softly when she felt the huff of disapproval from the Tardis, a soft groan echoing through the ship before she settled once more. Donna reached up a hand and patted the console lovingly, her eyes shining when they focused up on the time rotor. "Just you be careful, Doctor. I'm not about to come running out to save you if I'm all dripping wet."
His eyes instantly flashed with something dark and almost predatory at that comment, his entire being suddenly intently focused solely on her as his gaze seemed to sear her to the core. "Oh now that would be a sight indeed. You sure I shouldn't come join you?"
She caught her breath at the heat that suddenly flared within her, her fingers clenching against her thigh in response before she bit her lip and reluctantly shook her head. "No, Doctor. I know you're right in the thick of it here and that you really do need to finish up before we arrive."
He took a deep breath and nodded before reaching up to her and pulling her down for a soft kiss. "Reach out to me if you need me, Donna."
She smiled against his lips, teeth nibbling playfully which elicited a soft growl in reply, before she pulled away and ran her fingers through his hair one more time. "I will Doctor. I'm just going to clean up, don't fret."
And with that, she rose to her feet and made her way up the steps towards her room, keenly aware that his gaze followed her until she disappeared into her bedroom. She felt his thoughts brushing softly against hers once more before he disengaged and dove back into whatever he had been working on before.
She leaned back against the door, letting her eyes slide closed before she huffed a soft sigh and just began to lightly bang her head back against the closed door as images flashed helter skelter through her mind. The strange sights that she had been able to glimpse through the fissures in reality, the terrifying sight of an army of angels waiting to descend on an unsuspecting world and universe so that they could finally assuage their savage hunger. She winced softly when the image of Andy in the basement suddenly flashed through her mind, the sight of his tear stained face as his gaze had focused on each of them before the brutal finality of his death. She couldn't contain the feeling of guilt that still screamed through her when she remembered that she had been the one who had been looking back towards the angels, and that it had been because of her inattention that the angels had been able to surge forward for the kill. Her body jerked with that thought, her hands flying to her mouth to stifle the sob that suddenly was screaming for release.
She desperately needed a shower just so she could try to forget if even for a little while. She needed a long, really hot shower where she could scrub all the dust and grime away and hopefully some of her guilt as well. She couldn't bear the thought for another moment that her body and hair were covered in the dust of absolute carnage, and with a desperation borne from near hysteria she ripped her clothes from her body and tossed them into a corner of her room. If she never wore them again, it would be too soon.
Hurrying into the bathroom she found the water already running, the clouds of steam that were rising from the shower stall nearly caused her knees to buckle in relief. Stepping under the spray was like coming home, the water sluicing over her body though was not enough to wash away the memories that were now surging wildly out of her control.
She leaned against the wall of the shower, her face falling into her cupped hands while she tried to catch her breath and still her racing heart. Every step of their race across the basement was replaying in her mind, every moment that had led inexorably to the next until she once more saw herself standing in that doorway and making that fateful decision to look away for just a split second.
Her fingers pressed harder against her eyes as the dam finally burst within her and she hiccoughed slightly against the burn of tears that was fast rising to choke her. All the pent up rage and fear finally pouring out of her as her mind was flooded with memory after memory of all that had happened since the Doctor had come back into her life.
She slid down the wall when it felt like a strangled scream was bubbling from deep within, her hand clenched into a fist and pressed tightly against her mouth to contain the sound. Folding over her bent knees, her other hand rose up to clutch against her head as the storm of weeping swept her away.
Back in the control room, the Doctor frowned slightly at the readings on the display, the link between the Tardis and the rift manipulator was still touchy and he wasn't happy with how the power was surging.
They would be arriving at the Medusa Cascade in a few hours and he wanted to make sure that they were ready to act as soon as possible. He looked up at a gentle prod from the Tardis, her consciousness directing him to another access panel where she believed he would find the faulty connection.
"Let's see what we've got girl. Can't have this thing acting up just when we need it most."
He pushed his glasses back up onto his nose before he popped open the other panel, making sure to hold the panel in place against the brief blaze of energy that burst out of the opening before he set it aside. He was always nervous working around this particular area in the Tardis, because it was the access point to her heart. He usually only ventured in here when the Tardis was in very real danger, and he could count the times that he had done so on one hand.
He could feel the encouragement from her coming in waves, she knew that he would always take care of her and though she would sometimes tease him for his oftentimes clumsy piloting, she had chosen him out of all the other Time Lords on Gallifrey. He was her Time Lord and she had trusted him with her very life for so very long.
This was one of those times, when she trusted him completely even though he didn't trust himself. He was panting softly, eyes adjusting to the seething fire of the heart of the Tardis held just below in its time dilated sphere. Her energy was incandescent this close to her heart, the lines nearly screaming with power as it raced outwards through the rest of the ship.
The Doctor leaned closer, squinting against the brilliance before he saw what she had been prodding him towards. There was a circuit that had shorted out when the last connection had been made on the rift manipulator, it most likely had been damaged during the events aboard the crucible and the new strain had finally been too much for it.
"Gotcha!" The Doctor reached in with a triumphant shout and carefully plucked the dead circuit from its socket. He held it up to the light noticing the scorch marks along the casing were consistent with a power overload, but that there didn't seem to be any other issue that might otherwise cause a new circuit to fail.
Tongue caught between his teeth, the Doctor leaned forward and carefully fitted the new circuit in place, waiting with baited breath for the responding surge from the Tardis. He laughed when he felt the satisfaction from the ship, the rush of power was blazing in an unfettered flow into the rift manipulator.
Satisfied that everything was ready, he carefully began to close up the different panels, his mind already filled with different possible calculations for sealing the rift. It would help better when he could get proper readings on it, he wasn't sure if it was going to behave like the one in Cardiff had or if it would need a different approach.
His people had always pretty much left the rift in the Medusa Cascade alone throughout the eons. It had existed there since time began really, a remnant from the formation of this universe and it had always been relatively passive. It did go through periods of intense activity which the Time Lords had always very carefully monitored, but then it would always settle back into quiescence. Which, if he thought about it, had actually made it the perfect location for Davros to build the crucible and begin to hatch his insane plot.
The Doctor shook his head to clear away the random thoughts, his mind already reaching out to Donna in order to check on how she was doing. He hadn't liked the chaos that he had felt in her mind, but he knew that she felt like she needed to stand on her own two feet and so he had not pressed her when she had wanted to be alone.
He stumbled when he felt the wave of anguish and rage wash over him, his mind momentarily whiting out beneath the onslaught of emotion. The Tardis flashed an image into his mind, Donna huddled into a ball against the wall of the shower whimpering and shuddering in an effort to not let herself begin to scream.
"Why didn't you tell me she was in trouble?" The Doctor shouted as he took off at a dead run, barely noticing the flicker of movement as the Tardis shifted the door to Donna's room nearly directly in front of him. He could feel the guilt from the Tardis as she had been so distracted by what the Doctor had been doing, she hadn't noticed that Donna had collapsed in a fit of weeping.
The Doctor tore through Donna's room and threw open the door of the bathroom, feeling his hearts clench when he saw her pale form huddled in a shuddering ball in a corner of the shower. His thoughts were reaching out to hers, trying to let her feel his presence and use it as a guide in the storm. She however was completely lost in her own mind, her spirit keening as wave after wave of sorrow washed over her. He threw open the shower door, not even caring that he was still fully clothed before he knelt down in front of her and pulled her unresisting body into his arms. He winced when she threw her arms around him, her hands clenching tightly against his still clothed shoulder while she buried her face against his chest and let the scream that she had been fighting burst free.
How in the world had he not felt this firestorm within her? He knew he had been distracted, but usually he was aware enough of her that he would've felt this far sooner unless she had actively tried to block it from him. He sighed softly and pulled her tighter against his body when he realized that was just what she had done. Once again her own feeling of inadequacy had made her feel like she needed to shoulder all the burden, that she somehow had to deal with all the pain and trauma without any support.
It was still too soon for her to have let go of all the conditioning that she had been subjected to during her life, her own mother, Lance, Nerys and so many others all through her life tearing her down when her own indomitable will outshone them all. How he wished she could truly believe him when he told her how brilliant she was. She could feel the truth of his words through their bond, but still something within her was afraid to believe and it led her to doing something foolish like trying to face these demons all on her own.
She was clinging to him like a lifeline, the raw emotions screaming through her mind and body until she thought she would go mad. She kept seeing the angels and the surging energies around the rift, the hollow words of angel Bob promising their deaths and Andy's death over and over again, almost as if she were bludgeoning herself with each image.
The Doctor unwrapped one of his arms from around her shuddering body and gently cupped her chin in his hand, carefully lifting her head away from his chest so that he could try to get her eyes to focus on him. "Donna, I need you to listen to me. You have to come back to me now. I can't help you if you won't let me in."
Her eyes were unfocused as her mind was floundering through the maelstrom, she could feel the touch of his mind on hers but it was almost like she was trying to grasp a twig in a windstorm. She hadn't realized just how much she had been suppressing while they had all had to deal with the rift and its aftermath. The fear she had felt with the prospect of returning to the Medusa Cascade had writhed within her when they had gotten underway and it had brought back all of the pain and anger that she had felt since she had regained herself. Coupled with that now was the very real grief over Andy's death as well as the confusion she felt at being happy to still be alive.
"Come on Donna. Follow the sound of my voice. Listen to my thoughts in yours and let them guide you back to me. I know you feel so lost right now, but I've got you. I'll always have you, just focus on me."
He felt the tentative shift within her, the sound of his voice giving her that thread of control to pull herself out of the chaos and back into herself. She blinked up at him, her body shuddering once more in response before she melted against him and buried her face against his chest. "I'm sorry Doctor. I honestly wasn't expecting it to be this bad."
He gently rocked with her in his arms, barely able to contain the sigh of relief when he felt her mind slowly beginning to calm once more in his embrace. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head, his hand rising up to press her closer against his body. "There's no need for you to apologize Donna. If anything I should apologize for not realizing that this could have happened."
She reared up, spluttering when she accidentally inhaled water and blinked up at him before she scowled softly in response. "You've got nothing to be sorry for Spaceman. I'm made of stronger stuff than this, I just.. I just didn't realize that…" It was then that she finally noticed he was still fully clothed all the way down to his trainers. She cocked her head at the incongruous sight, having momentarily forgotten what she had been about to say. "You didn't even get undressed?"
He shook his head, his eyes locked onto hers with searing intensity before his hand reached out and brushed her wet hair out of her eyes. "You were in far too much distress, Donna, I didn't even stop to think." His fingers softly stroked her pale cheek, the water falling in a mesmerizing flow down her face before his eyes once more locked with hers. "I do however think that we need to get out of this shower where we can properly talk."
She blushed slightly at the realization that she was completely naked while he was still dressed, but he was having none of that. He pulled her close and helped her rise to her feet. "You didn't even finish washing up did you?"
She worried her lip between her teeth before she shook her head in denial, feeling slightly overwhelmed with the concern she felt screaming through him. She couldn't help but feel completely helpless once more, she hadn't even been able to get through a shower before she had fallen apart. His words back in the hub had never seemed so distant than they did in that moment, she didn't feel amazing or magnificent. She felt like she most likely looked, completely broken and unable to cope with any of the changes that had been thrown her way.
The Doctor frowned when he felt those thoughts flit through her mind, his hands cupping her shoulders so that she had no choice but to look up to him. His hair was a sodden mess and his suit was in no better shape, but she could tell that he could care less while all his attention was focused on her.
"Donna, you've been through a tremendous amount of stress in a very short period of time. Soon enough, I'm going to be putting even more stress on you and could possibly rip open some of the wounds that we'd begun to heal when we get to the Medusa Cascade. You've been thrown for a loop repeatedly and had no choice but to rise to the challenge and be your usual amazing self." He shook his head when she huffed in denial of his words, his anger at her mother once more blazing within him before he savagely stomped it down. She didn't need his rage right now, she needed his understanding and his support and in that at least he could always give her what she needed. "You're safe here with me in the Tardis. If you can't break down here when it all finally becomes too much, then when can you? You seem to keep forgetting that you're not alone anymore." He smiled softly at that. "I sometimes seem to forget it as well, but we'll figure it out together alright?"
She nodded softly. "Alright Doctor. I guess I was better at bottling it up than I'd realized and it all finally became too much."
"Understandably so." He continued to hold her close to him for a moment longer, letting his mind gently stroke through hers before he pulled back. "Do you think you can finish up on your own or do you want my help?"
She shook her head with a soft laugh, leaning up to brush a kiss to his lips before she nodded towards the door. "No, Doctor, I can finish up on my own and you should probably go dry off as well. I promise to call out to you if I need your help."
With one final perusal of her mind and her body, the Doctor pulled away from her with herculean willpower and stepped out of the shower stall.
She watched him go with a soft sigh before she bent down and picked up her favorite bottle of shampoo. The Doctor was right, they had a lot to talk about.
Donna took far longer with her shower than she probably should have, but she had needed the time to try to gather some tatters of her dignity about herself before she could face the Doctor once more.
She had dried and brushed her hair until it fairly gleamed in the lights of the Tardis, before she had slipped into a pair of comfy sweats and a t-shirt and gone in search of the Doctor. A part of her wanted to dress to the nines, to use clothing as the armor and weapon she had always wielded with such expertise so that she could neatly avoid the painful discussion that she knew was going to come, but she realized that would only make things worse in the end, especially with what was looming only a few hours away. Besides, he would see quite easily through such a ploy, which was one of the downfalls of having such an intimate connection with him. He was likely not to be dissuaded so easily from the topic, especially after she had broken down so spectacularly with barely any warning.
He knew that she still had to come to terms with all that had happened to her in the last few weeks, and the addition of her new ability had only added another dimension that was making it that much more of a struggle for her to discover the beauty that he had insisted she would one day see. She had known exactly what it had been like to look through the eyes of a Time Lord but even those memories had not prepared her for the very real impact of the power and uniqueness of her own ability. His memories and sensations were solely his own, and while his consciousness had been within her, they had been hers as well. However, when that ability had been awakened within her it had nothing to work with but her own very frail human limitations. Sight, taste and smell were far more integral to her species then they were to his and thus those very important genetic differences had defined an ability that should never have even manifested in humans for countless millennia.
She sighed softly when she felt the Tardis flitting through the back of her mind , most likely keeping tabs on her mental state, as if the ship were trying to make up for having let Donna down earlier in not calling the Doctor to her sooner. Donna smiled softly at the sensations from the Tardis, her fingers rising up to run in a gentle caress along the wall. "Don't worry about it, girl. I thought I could handle it on my own, I just didn't realize it was going to get out of hand so quickly."
She felt more than heard the soft huff of delight from the ship that all was forgiven before she noticed the soft light burning beneath the Doctor's door. Taking her courage in hand, she crossed the hall and gently pushed the door open.
She spotted him instantly, sitting by the desk in the corner wearing nothing more than a pair of pants while he was scribbling furiously in one of his numerous journals. Her lip caught between her teeth while she worked up the courage to cross the distance between them. She tried to keep her thoughts as still as possible while he continued to scribble away, for once enjoying the chance to watch him unawares.
She could see droplets of water still clinging to the spiky ends of his hair as well as glistening on his back where he had obviously missed toweling off. His glasses were perched precariously on the end of his nose while he paused every now and then in his writing, eyes staring off into space for a moment before he would lean back down to the journal and resume his frenetic pace as if he had never stopped. Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, Donna let her mind shift slightly within his before she pushed away from the doorjamb, her thoughts reaching out to touch the seething whirlwind of Gallifreyan thought that was tumbling through his mind.
He stopped dead when he felt that gentle stretch within his mind, his head turning and gaze unerringly locking with hers before his lips quirked into that soft smile that she always found so devastating. He pulled his glasses off and set aside his pen, a rather ornate affair that looked like it belonged in the 1800's more than it did aboard a starship, while he watched her pad across the room to his side.
Her gaze drifted down to the pages before she blinked at the strange mix of English and Gallifreyan symbols seemingly scattered at random across the surface. Her hand came up to rest lightly on his shoulder, fingers ghosting softly along the back of his neck in an unconscious caress before she turned to look at him with that hint of fear in her eyes once more.
He had kept his thoughts very still when he had felt her moving within his mind, her own thoughts were still a cacophony of disjointed images and half realized fears that he knew she was desperately trying to sort through on her own. He frowned softly when he felt the glimmers of recognition when her eyes flicked over the page of his journal, her eyes lingering on the symbols scattered willy nilly throughout the cramped writing before she turned that gaze back to him.
"I can still understand those symbols sometimes, Doctor. Almost like I'm looking at them through a haze before it all melts away into gibberish once more."
And just like that, she had thrown the door wide open on his greatest fear. He closed his eyes briefly, his arms reaching out to wrap around her hips and pull her between his parted thighs so that he could rest his head softly against her belly.
Both of her hands rose up to softly caress his crazy hair, fingers tugging gently at the damp hairs along his nape before settling for a gentle stroking motion along his shoulders. She felt the shudder race through him at her touch, his breath hot against her cotton clad stomach before his fingers clenched almost painfully against her back.
For once, it was his turn to have his thoughts turn nearly as chaotic as hers when all the possible and sometimes impossible scenarios began to tumble through his mind. "I know you do, Donna. I can feel those moments when that flicker is there. It's like your mind reaches out to mine unconsciously, like it wants to share the connection with me. I honestly don't know what it means or what it will mean for you going forward, but I have to believe the Ood when they said that you are safe from the fate that was waiting if the metacrisis went unresolved." He leaned back, his chin coming to rest on her belly as his eyes bored into hers. "I've examined you extensively as has the Tardis, we've both delved into your mind in ways that frankly I didn't even think were possible in order to make sure that we removed the last bit of time lord energy that could harm you."
Her fingers were tracing absent minded circles along his shoulder blades, her eyes locked with his but her gaze somehow seeming to see right through him as she remembered the blaze of thought that she had felt between the Doctor and the Tardis earlier. Perhaps with time she would be able to better differentiate which thoughts were hers and which belonged to him but until then, she knew that it would all melt together into a big jumbled mess in her head. "Maybe it's an echo from our bond, Doctor. The sensation doesn't feel at all like it did when your essence was in my head, it's more like a half buried memory that is triggered for a moment before it fades away once more."
He nodded thoughtfully, feeling that explanation to be the one that made the most sense under the circumstances. He knew that he didn't have the control that he should have over their bond, because frankly, if he were completely honest with himself, a part of him didn't want to control it. He was reveling too much in being so intimately connected once more to another being, to truly lose himself in the depths of passion and belonging that had been denied to him even by his own people for so many centuries. Even then, he had never had a connection as strong as the one he shared with Donna, the complete melding of their minds and bodies was something that he had only heard whispered in dusty tones throughout the ages. He had long since given up hope of ever finding that connection again, especially since his people had been destroyed by his own hand. But just as the metacrisis had left an imprint on her that had caused her time ability to manifest so spectacularly, it was only reasonable to assume that the strength of their bond would cause something like this to occur as well. Their minds were already so comfortable moving within the other that it had to have been only a matter of time before they started to share more than just thoughts and feelings across their bond.
He frowned slightly at that thought. "Be that as it may, Donna, I think we still need to be cautious going forward. Please promise me you'll tell me if you feel overwhelmed by me or by our bond, also if you feel that you're experiencing too many moments like the one you just had now. I'd feel better if either the Tardis or I were able to examine you during those times just to be on the safe side."
The Doctor winced when he felt her hands tighten against his shoulders in a near painful grip, nails digging in just slightly before she nodded in response. "I promise, Doctor but on one condition." With those words, one of her hands rose to his head and wound through his hair before she gripped it tight and tipped his head back so that his eyes locked with hers.
His wince turned into a surprised grunt of pain though his body tensed in helpless response to the sensation, his eyes boring into hers before he ground out through tightly clenched teeth. "Of course there's always a condition with you, isn't there?"
She nodded softly, determined not to be distracted by the sudden turn his thoughts had taken. "It's a simple condition really, Doctor. I need you to include me in all the discussions, don't talk around me or over my head to the Tardis. Please if I don't understand, I need you to promise me that you'll explain it however many times I need it explained until I do understand." Her fingers had loosened their death grip in his hair and were now just tracing delicate circles over his scalp, her voice suddenly a million light years away. "I'm scared enough as it is, Doctor. I know you can feel it right now all the time, eating away at me and making me doubt myself and everything around me. I need to feel that at least in this, I have some say in what's happening to me because frankly I'm terrified that the changes aren't done yet and that I…" She couldn't finish the thought as tears welled up in her eyes uncontrollably and she doubled over him with a strangled sob.
The Doctor was on his feet in an instant, swinging her into his arms and taking her straight to the bed where he laid her out before crawling in and scooping her back tight against him. He buried his lips in her hair, finally allowing his mind reach into hers fully and wrap her trembling, terrified essence with the warm surety of his own.
"I promise Donna. I already have promised when you first agreed to come traveling with me again. But if you need to hear it again, then I will happily promise over and over again. I won't ever play god with you again, as much as I might want to and anytime a decision of such magnitude needs to be made again, I promise I won't act without your full understanding and support." She hiccoughed against his chest, body shuddering with the flood of emotion that finally had an outlet.
She buried her face against his side, eyes clenched tightly closed against the rush of sorrow that seemed to well out of a bottomless chasm within her. He just held her tightly to him, body rocking gently with her. "Shhh, Donna. I won't let you go through any of these changes alone ever again. I've been with you here so far haven't I?" Her soft snort against his chest made him add sheepishly. "Yeah yeah, so I was a little late in coming but I've been with you ever since!"
The Doctor could feel her nod against him, the tears still falling to scald his chest though the gut wrenching sobs were starting to ease. He leaned his head back against his pillows, his eyes tracing the intricate patterns in the ducting overhead seemingly without thought. Donna was clinging desperately to him, her mind cowering within the warm embrace of his thoughts and her body shuddering with the fear that was finally breaking completely free of her control.
He had to remind himself how terrified he had been all those centuries ago when he had first been taken to gaze into the untempered schism, when he had felt all of time and space burning and seething through his terribly young and unprepared mind. He had never spoken to her of that time in his life, how it had been then that he had started running and now nearly nine centuries later he had finally found a reason to stop.
He took a deep breath and with Donna clasped tightly to him, took the plunge into parts of his past that he had left buried for far too long. "I actually do understand the fear you're feeling right now Donna. I've felt that same gut wrenching terror that grabs a hold of you and shakes you until you wonder if you're going to go insane if it doesn't just stop. I remember how overwhelming it was to see all of time and space, to see the infinite possibilities of the vortex and to feel the raw power surround you and nearly destroy you."
Donna suddenly grew very still within his mind, he could almost feel the fragile thread of hope blossom within her at his words even though she was too afraid to really believe. He held his breath while he felt her shifting against him, her hand opening and closing against his chest while her breath puffed in a sudden burst of adrenaline before he felt the soft words whispered into his skin. "The untempered schism."
"The untempered schism." The Doctor confirmed, his eyes sliding closed as the memories that had been locked away for so long rose from the murky depths of his subconscious. The memories of the terrified little boy who had been so completely overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility of a Time Lord that he had without even realizing it resolved to start running that day for all that he was worth. "The Master and I were both taken on the same day actually. I remember staying up late with him the night before, both of us trying to sound brave about the initiation ceremony and what it would be like. We were prepared in a very ritualistic way for the moment, but we were not told what to expect as they felt it might influence what we saw and thus plant a fixed point in our timeline that we would never be able to avoid."
He snorted softly at the memory, his arms and mind tightening around Donna as he felt those events unfold in his mind with the inevitability of a tide. "There had always been stories of those who couldn't handle what they saw through that gap in reality, those who had been driven mad or had run away as soon as they had been old enough to do so, but no one ever really spoke of them except to say that they were forever lost. I remember when they came to wake me, they found me gazing out at the sunrise over the mountains of solace and solitude, just watching the trees burn with silver fire in the early morning light before the second sun rose. I somehow knew that would be the last day I would ever be able to look at that vista and see only the trees and the sunlight completely untarnished with a Time Lord's sight, and I so wanted to remember it just as it was right at that moment."
Donna was transfixed by his story, she had barely brushed across this memory when his mind had been in hers, most likely because he had buried it so deep and she had had slightly more pressing matters to think about than take a stroll down his memory lane. She honestly had thought that she would have centuries to explore those memories with him, before the fire had begun and everything was taken from her.
She felt closer to him in that moment than she had felt before, even though their bond engendered a wonderful and sometimes terrifying intimacy, it was not the same as when they simply laid together and talked about themselves and about each other. Once more he was demonstrating his complete trust in her by revealing one of the most terrifying memories that truthfully even he had forgotten.
She brushed a soft kiss against his chest, her hand pressing over the spot to hold it close against his right heart. She looked up at him, letting him see the warmth that she felt filling her to near bursting as he had fallen into a brooding silence once again. "Please keep going, Doctor. What happened? What did you see?"
He looked down at her, suddenly feeling like he was drowning in the depths of her watery eyes. He felt the jolt of her unwavering support like a physical blow and he suddenly knew that nothing he said to Donna would make her think any less of him, if anything these memories made him seem more accessible than he ever had before. These memories reminded both him and her that he too was just a man, though a rather extraordinary man who was the last of a dead race, he still too had fears and doubts enough to cripple other beings. It shook him to the core to be met with such a strong, unwavering support no matter what terrible ghosts from his past he shared with her, that it was in the sharing of his own burden he finally realized it was no longer his alone to bear.
He blinked against the sudden burn of tears, before he brushed a reverent kiss to her forehead. "It was two hundred and forty seven steps from the door of the academy to the circle where the schism was guarded through all eternity by four Time Lords. They stood at the four points of the compass all hours of the day and night, facing outwards should any who were not an initiate attempt to approach and steal the knowledge of time and space. I remember one of them smiled at me not too unkindly, but the second one seemed to be looking right through me. I later found out that he had marked me as a weakling who wouldn't be able to pass the initiation."
His laugh was forced when he muttered. "And look at me now, I ended up the winner." He gasped when those words spilled from his lips completely unbidden, the memory of Adelaide's face on that snow covered street suddenly flashing through his mind so powerfully that he felt Donna jerk against him in sympathetic response.
Her hand rose up to softly caress his cheek, fingers tangling in his hair to pull his gaze down to hers once more. "You can't keep beating yourself up over what happened on Mars, Doctor. People, even Time Lords, stumble and fall into dark and terrible places but it is what you do afterwards that matters." Her mind was stroking against his gently now, once more their roles so easily reversed as she strove to comfort him when he needed it most. "You are a winner in the end, though not in the sense that you had mistakenly believed on that day. You have survived, you have grown and adapted and you have saved so many countless millions during your life. And you've even managed to save one incredibly stubborn ginger from herself."
He nearly choked on a laugh at her last comment, the band that had tightened around his chest pinged loose as once again Donna reached into him and gave him the peace that had eluded him for so long. "And I will keep on saving that incredible ginger from herself!" She squeaked when his arms suddenly tightened like a steel vise about her body, crushing her against his chest with frightening force before he let go and settled her comfortably tucked back against his side.
She could tell that he still had more to tell, but that he was coming to the end of his story and that in a strange way it was already helping her to realize that it was alright that she was feeling terrified and broken because she was truly not alone on this journey. She snuggled back against his chest, fingers once more tracing lazy circles in the curly hair while she waited for him to continue.
The Doctor lay there for a few moments more, marveling again at the twists and turns his long and crazy life had taken, all of which had led him to this moment in time when a human woman was showing him more compassion and understanding than any of his own people ever had. His precious Donna Noble, who was fast becoming the most important person in his universe. "Where was I? Ah yes, two hundred and forty seven steps. I counted every single one. It felt like time was slowing down the closer I got to the schism, I knew that the Master had gone before me but as was tradition, he had not been allowed to see me once he had gone through the initiation, so in that moment I was truly alone with what would eventually become my destiny. I passed through the ring of guard stones and there before me was the frame that had been constructed around the rift with its four guards waiting for me to gaze into its unfettered depths."
He took a deep breath, a faint tremble rippling through his body before he continued. "The final ten steps were absolute torment because I could hear the swirling energies from the schism, I still to this day don't know how the guardians didn't go mad from the voices that were in that void. I had my head held high, a gesture that the Master and I had both agreed would show that we were ready to take that final step and assume the mantle of a Time Lord." He sighed softly. "Boy were we both in for a rude awakening. Very few were ever truly ready to accept what it meant to be a Time Lord at such a young age. I remember it reached into my mind even before I was in front of it so that I stumbled the last few steps, but I couldn't look away from the maelstrom. It felt like I was being ripped apart and remade all in an instant of fiery rebirth as if I had been plunged face first into a star. My mind was quite literally ripped wide open and the raw power of all of time and space poured in without any buffer or warning to fill me so completely I thought I would burn to a crisp on the spot."
His hands had tightened convulsively about Donna, fingertips digging nearly painfully into her skin so that the tips had turned white from the pressure, but she did not squirm or protest in any way. She simply let his mind clutch hers tightly to his while he took her with him through that memory so that she was actually living through the agony and terror that he had felt on that fateful day.
His words screamed through her soul in an echo of how she had felt when she had first glimpsed that gaping hole deep within the steel column in Torchwood. It had grabbed at her with hungry fingers of power, tearing at her sanity and ripping shreds from her mind in a blinding swirl of agony. She had felt him there with her in those moments when he had pulled her back from the precipice, but she had never questioned how he had known just exactly what she had been feeling.
She hadn't understood why he had yanked her mind so very cruelly back into her body and then hadn't even taken the time to soothe her from the very real pain that had ripped through her. She now finally understood that his reactions were completely unconscious, and he had acted on instinct alone. He most likely hadn't even realized how brutal his actions had been because the very real fear and pain that he had felt in those moments had been almost like the reopening of a wound that he had buried so deep he had even forgotten that he had ever been so traumatized. She gasped softly at the realization, the thought made her burrow deeper against his body, her eyes clenching closed and tears falling anew, not for herself but for the little boy that had been destroyed on a far distant and dead planet nearly a millennium ago.
"The guardians later told my mother that they had rarely seen anyone possessed so powerfully by the energies of the schism, that they had actually feared that it wouldn't let me go when I couldn't be moved from in front of it." His breath caught for a moment when he remembered so very vividly the terrifying sense of being flayed alive by time in all its infinite complexity. He remembered hearing that the schism had at times shown an almost sentient will when it interacted with certain Time Lords, how it had grabbed onto them with a hunger that could never be understood or assuaged. None had ever thought that he, a young child from a minor house, would be one that the schism would be so desperately drawn to and thus his vision had been a vision no other Time Lord had ever witnessed.
"I saw flashes of my future, though that was not at all what people usually saw, they saw time in a more abstract sense and how all the realities fit together to form the web of reality. But that was not to be my fate. I saw the Daleks burning Gallifrey though I didn't understand it at the time, I saw the Tardis convincing me to steal away with her and I saw the last day of the Time War when I became the Destroyer." His body shuddered with the memory, Donna's own mind clenched so tightly within his that she stood there with him though he was in a different and somewhat older body, when he made that fateful decision to incinerate billions.
"I saw the web of reality twisting around me and my actions in ways that my eight year old mind could never hope to comprehend, and I saw that it would be because of my hand that the Time Lords would fall. It drove the Master mad, but it showed me that my fate would be far worse than anything the Master could ever conceive of doing to me. Is it any wonder why I started running and never stopped?"
His voice trailed off towards the end until Donna realized she felt his final words in his mind more than she actually heard him speak them. She lay against him, her mind swirling with everything that she had felt rising within him while he had relived that memory. How that single memory shaped the rest of his life and set his feet irrevocably on the path that would ultimately bring about the fall of his own people.
She felt completely humbled by the experience, most especially because she had lived it with him, had held his eight year old hand as he had walked towards that unforgiving destiny. He truly did understand exactly how she felt, and in a way that she had never even dared to hope because he too had felt the agony and soul wrenching terror that came with being completely unprepared for seeing time as it seethed through the universe around them.
"You described the sensation perfectly, Doctor though I could never have described it in the way that you did. When we first stepped out of the Tardis, I felt like I was standing on the edge of an event horizon and you were the only reason why I wasn't completely consumed." His hands had risen to hold her head close against him, his own mind was still shuddering in the aftermath of his memories but he could feel that she was using his pain as a guide to her own shattered feelings.
As much as he had dreaded reliving that memory, he knew that it had been exactly what she'd needed to realize that he had not been patronizing her when he had said he understood exactly how she had been feeling. What he hadn't realized was how much of his actions were still being influenced by what had happened to him all those centuries ago.
He could feel her thoughts shifting uncertainly within his, her mind still struggling to try to make sense of all the strange fears and sensations that had been plaguing her since she had first stepped foot back on earth.
"I felt like my mind and my body were almost too small for me, like they were about to be torn apart to make space for something so much larger than I'd ever imagined. When I saw the tendrils of energy devouring the ghosts on that pier, it was almost like I could feel them attacking me as well. I couldn't help but be completely overwhelmed by everything that I saw and felt, and I could only rely on what I could understand from your own mind and memories to try to make sense of the world gone mad." She flopped onto her back with an angry sigh, her hands rising to press against her temples as the memories continued to surge within her.
The Doctor sat up and gently leaned over her, his hand rising up to brush a fiery tendril away from her forehead while he let his mind stroke her in a gentle caress. "Donna? Donna are you alright?" He was concerned when she didn't respond to the touch of his hand, his thoughts tried to make sense of the chaos that he sensed within her mind.
She blinked up at him, her mind stilling against his own when the threads slowly started to fall into place. "Yeah, Timeboy, I'm fine." If he hadn't been so deeply enmeshed in her thoughts, he almost would've believed the lie.
"Donna, come on you know better than that."
She sighed softly at the question in his eyes, his fingers were gently stroking her temple in an attempt to soothe the tension that he felt in her mind. She reached up to take his hand in hers, her eyes locking with his before a soft smile turned up the corner of her lips. "This is the first time in weeks that I've really been able to sit back and truly analyze everything that's happened to me, Doctor. We've been dealing with the changes on the run and I haven't been able to stop to really think about what this means for me and for us." She shook her head when he looked like he was about to speak, her finger pressing lightly to his lips so that she could finish. "I need to say this, Doctor, please let me finish."
His lips pursed against her fingers but he merely pressed a kiss to the tip and nodded softly for her to continue. "When I first travelled with you, I was terrified and disillusioned by all the terrible things that we saw and had to do together. When we stood in the Pyrovile's escape pod and made the decision to doom twenty thousand people to death, it opened my eyes just a tiny bit to what it must be like to see the world in has been, must be's and must not's as you have seen nearly your entire life. But nothing could have prepared me for what that sight must truly cost you, or how it could rip apart your mind when you suddenly know that once again you're going to be the one to have to decide who lives and who dies. In that basement in Cardiff, I finally understood completely the awful burden that you carry because I finally saw and understood just what you did and how that sight gives you the strength to make those decisions that sometimes others can't begin to comprehend."
His eyes had widened at her words, her understanding of choices that he regretted to this very day somehow made the truly terrible decisions that he had made seem somewhat more bearable. He wasn't sure what he had expected from her, but he shouldn't have been so surprised by the compassion that she gave without thought. He blinked against continued burn of tears, his fingers trembling against her hair with the strength of his emotions which in turn caused her smile to widen. "I didn't understand you, Doctor and it frightened me. Then when everything changed and I didn't know what I was changing into, I was terrified that I was losing the last vestiges of my humanity. But I realize now that I've only truly just found it, and that with you I can finally expand my mind and explore it all with you. Yes it's still very overwhelming and I'm struggling to truly accept the changes within me, but with time and guidance I know I'll be just fine."
Once again she felt a little of that self-doubt fall away with the realization that she was not weak or thick just because she hadn't instantly known how to handle her new ability. All that she had struggled through since he had found her again suddenly didn't seem so much like failures, but were very necessary steps towards learning and evolving beyond herself and her own limited ideals.
He pulled her back into his arms before rolling onto his back with her held tightly to him, his lips buried in her hair and eyes clenched tightly shut to stop the flow of tears. "Thank you for that Donna. I can't tell you what it means to me to know that you're right there beside me sharing this journey and that finally for the first time in my life, I have someone with me who truly understands me and the terrible things I must sometimes do."
She found herself clinging to him just as desperately, their minds were curled around and through each other in an unbreakable embrace where all of their fears suddenly just seemed to melt away. "It's like my mind is being opened all over again, Doctor, almost like it was on the crucible but in a completely different way. Thank you for sharing that with me Doctor, though I know how difficult it must have been for you. It helped to give me perspective for the first time in a long time and also to realize that maybe, just maybe I'll be able to eventually figure this all out."
He threw his head back and laughed at her words, the touch of his thoughts somewhat rueful as he muttered. "When you figure it out could you let me know? I'm still working on that bit."
She just shook her head. "I'll do that Doctor, though I think we're going to be doing a lot of figuring things out together."
They lay together for a while longer, simply taking comfort in being close to each other while the maelstrom of emotion within Donna finally began to subside. She was mulling over the grief that she was still struggling to come to terms with, even though she had barely even known Andy, the guilt that she felt for letting him down had made his death so very personal. "It never gets any easier does it, Doctor? Being the one to survive?"
He shook his head softly, his breath huffing out through pursed lips. "No it doesn't, Donna. It is something that we have to learn to live with, and unfortunately that's something that I can't help you with. You have to come to accept that our universe is a truly dangerous place, and that sometimes we're not going to be able to save everyone. However we need to remember our victories and learn from the mistakes that we'll undoubtedly make."
She thumped him softly on the chest, her mind suddenly turning within his own so that he could feel the earnestness in her words. "Listen to yourself Doctor. You need to take your own advice and not take every loss as a personal affront either. You're not a god, though you do sometimes seem like one." She snorted up at him when she felt the burst of smug pride at her words. "And DON'T go getting a swelled head just because I said you can seem to be a god. Trust me, it's a thin veneer with you."
He winced in response to that last unflattering bit. "Oi, watch it Donna! Trample on my ego anymore and I won't have anything left!"
She burst out laughing at that, arm sliding over his chest and hugging him tightly against her. "I don't think that you'll ever have that problem, Spaceman. But someone has to keep you on your toes, and it looks like I'm the only one around for the job."
He pulled her up onto his chest, his arms just wrapping around her and squeezing her for all he was worth. "That's why I need you so much, Donna. You keep me grounded and sane. You remind me of all that is good in the universe and give me a reason to keep fighting even when sometimes I just want to destroy it all because it all seems so hopeless."
His hand rose up to tangle in her hair, fingers flexing against her scalp even while his mind merged so completely with hers she was momentarily overwhelmed by the intensity that she felt within him. She leaned forward and brushed a feather light kiss against his lips, pausing when she felt the flare of hunger arc between them like a live wire.
His arms were steel bands around her body, holding her so close she felt almost as if she were a part of him. His mind was completely open to her now, all the barriers and hidden crevices that even he hadn't realized he had been harboring were opening up to her so that she knew they could spend lifetimes exploring each other and still have more to learn. She was quivering with the ecstasy of yet another layer of their bond coming to life, another step in their journey together that finally began to show her the beauty that he had promised her.
Her eyes were dark, liquid pools of desire and gratitude all mixed together with the realization that though the burden would never get any easier to carry, she was no longer alone and that hand in hand they would run as far and as fast through the universe as they needed. When she fell he would be there to catch her, and the failures that they had both endured in the past were now behind them. Together they would walk into the future with heads held high in the unshakeable knowledge that they were now so much more than they had ever been apart.
It was at that moment that Donna felt the shift of the Tardis within both of their minds, her touch almost hesitant as she had been quite happily watching the two of them open up to each other in still another new and beautiful way and she didn't want to disturb them. Her touch though was tinged with a sense of urgency that filled the Doctor with a shiver of dread. The Doctor suddenly became aware of the shift beneath them as the Tardis exited the vortex and began to shudder in the ripples of temporal energy that were pouring out of the rift in the Medusa Cascade.
His head fell back with a soft growl. "Impeccable timing as always, old girl." The brief flare of regret from his ship was enough to cause him to smile softly before he looked up at Donna with concern plain on his face and in his mind. "Are you sure you're up to this, Donna? You don't have to come with me to the control room if you would rather not face your memories right now."
She pursed her lips in thought at his question, for a fleeting moment she seriously considered cowering in his bed with the blankets over her head and a nice sturdy pillow fort built around her, before she shook her head. "No, Doctor. I need to do this with you now. I need to do this for me. I've built up this place into a terrible monster in my mind and I need to face this demon when I know I'm safe with you and with the Tardis, otherwise I can never get over what happened to me and start to really heal from it."
His answering smile was absolutely blinding as he pulled her down for a bruising hug and ravishing kiss, before he sat up and she nearly tumbled off of him onto the floor. "Alright then, Donna! Let's go face the demons together!"
She laughed when she was nearly thrown off him by the sudden exuberance in his movement, his body jumping out of bed so fast her eyes barely even registered the motion. She reached over for the simple black t-shirt that he had tossed on the end of the bed and tossed it to him before she rose to her feet and with a practiced motion, twisted her thick hair into a loose bun against the back of her neck. "You might want to put that on Doctor. Just in case we have to do any running."
He caught the shirt with an impish grin, eyes still burning with the hunger that had flared between them before he pulled it over his head and reached for her hand. She met his gaze with all the promise that he had felt within her from the first moment she had appeared in the Tardis in her wedding dress, all of time and space and the Tardis had brought her to him. She grabbed tightly to his hand, her fingers reaching up to brush across his lips in an unspoken promise. "Let's go put the past behind me, Doctor."
His answering smile nearly stopped her heart, his thoughts threading deeply within hers before he tugged on her hand and ran out of his room towards the control room. She was finally ready to face her own fears and hopefully let them go so that she could face the future that she was building with the Doctor with her head held high.
She looked up at him as they raced through the corridors of the Tardis, her heart stuttering for a split second when she realized that she had completely and hopelessly fallen in love with her crazy spaceman, and that maybe complicated wasn't such a bad thing after all.