Piper started to get nervous, she felt that what the doctor was about to say was not what she wanted to hear. Well, nobody wanted to hear bad news from a doctor and this was definitely going to be bad, but this was the one topic that Piper really didn't want to talk about.
She knew enough about the human body to anticipate what the doctor was trying to say.
For a second she considered covering her ears to not have to have this conversation that she had dreaded for a while already, but it wouldn't have changed anything, so she kept staring past the white coat, shielding herself from the lifechanging conversation she was about to have.
For weeks and weeks Piper had made sure to not fall ill, had done everything to avoid seeing a doctor or even worse to get taken bloodsamples. But falling for a girl had changed so much, had confused her and had clouded her mind, so that everything that had been so important before had kind of faded into the backround.
„Miss Chapman?"
Piper nodded, knowing that it was pointless doing anything else.
„I think you know what I want to ask you. We have seen your blood results and, well, your dietary condition speaks for itself. Miss Chapman, how long have you been bulimic?"
There was no use in denying, no use in lying. She had kept this a secret for so long now, had hidden all her vomiting, all the shifting between binge-eating and not eating at all. Even when she had started losing pound after pound noone had assumed in what unhealthy ways she was getting rid of her fat. She had never talked about what she assumed to be her weakness, so when the doctor was expressing what she had avoided speaking out loud all this time, she faltered, tears running down her face immediately. She was half horrified, half relieved to finally talk about it.
„For about half a year, a little longer actually." she took the tissue the nurse had reached her. She had sympathy for her right away, grateful for the reassuring smile the girl, who was only a few years older than her, gave her. The insecurity in her look had disappeared, making way for compassion.
„Miss Chapman, of course nobody can force you into a therapy, but you should really consider the options. There are a lot of possibilities for young women like you and you have to know you are not alone. This isn't a bagatelle, this is a severe illness."
Piper nodded again, this was not happening, just when she had felt happy with Alex, her life betrayed her again. Was this never going to end?
She had no idea what to say and so she stayed silent.
„I have a few information brochures for you, take your time and think about it."
„Thank you" Piper whispered, taking the brochures.
'Together against bulimia' the top one said.
„Miss Chapman?"
She wished the doctor would stop saying her name all the time, it made it painfully clear that this was nothing she could hide from anymore, it made it impossible to pretend as if this wasn't about her.
„You are aware that, since you're not of age, yet, we'll have to inform your parents." The compassion in his voice didn't moderate Piper's shock, her eyes grew wide in panic.
This could not be true.
„Can I go to school tomorrow?" She had no idea why she was asking this right now, but she craved for normalty. She wanted to be able to flee in her normal life, and the fact that she considered highschool actually as a saveplace right now was proof enough of how fucked her life was.
„Of course you can. You will be realeased today right after we talked to your parents. I'll see you later, Miss Chapman, ok?"
Again, Piper nodded.
The second the doctor left the room, Alex rushed back in, face deep in worry. Piper had only enough time to hide the brochures under her pillow before Alex could see them.
She attempted a smile, but besides the fact that her eyes were still red from crying, she was not convincing at all and gave up the try.
„Pipes?" Alex voice was full of worry and it twitched the knive in Piper's heart that had been there ever since the doctor's revelation.
„What is wrong?" she kneeled down on the matress and put her hand on Piper's neck, stroking the spot under her earlobe with her thumb.
Piper couldn't tell her, Alex already knew so much about her while Piper had still no idea who Alex was, what she felt, what she wanted.
„Nothing's wrong. I just need to take some vitamins."
The stroking and Alex's hand in her neck gave her goosebumps and she was suddenly filled with desire. Wanted to pull her close, drown in her arms and forget about all the things that went wrong in her life.
But Alex pulled back instead, throwing her a pissed look.
„Bullshit Piper!" If Alex's eyebrows could talk they would yell at Piper right now. There was a layer of pain behind the anger in her eyes.
„Hey if you don't trust me, fine." It was not fine, not in the least. „But don't you fucking lie to me, ok? Cause I never lied to you."
Piper didn't trust Alex, if she was honest. But right now she wasn't honest.
„I trust you." she lied, and she wasn't really a good liar.
„Yeah, sure. You said I was your girlfriend, right?" Pipers eyes widened, she had forgotten about that already and she didn't quite understand why she was coming up with this right now.
„What? Yeah, I..." but she didn't get any further.
„So if I am, don't I deserve to know if my girlfriend is sick?"
That really got Piper off her feet, Alex had just said that she was her girlfriend, just like that. After Piper had pondered and dreaded asking, Alex had just said it and if the situation wasn't as fucked right now, this would have been the happiest moment in her life.
She took Alex's hand in her's, afraid that Alex might pull back, but Alex didn't.
„Al, I wanna be with you. I really want that."
„Yeah, I want that too." Alex whispered, making it even harder for Piper to control her heartbeat.
„But" and with that word Alex tried to pull her hand out of Piper's, but Piper didn't let her, for once she was the one in control. „But my life is complicated sometimes and I don't want to get this shit in the way of you and me, okay? Let me keep this seperated. Please trust me, there is no need to be worried, okay?" her voice was soft, nearly begging Alex to understand.
Alex bit her lower lip, her eyes were still full of worry and a little bit of anger, Piper wasn't sure if she would let it go.
„Al, I promise you, I'm alright." she smiled reasuringly and finally got a smile back, a lame one, but better than nothing. Alex leaned forward but instead of kissing her, she leaned her forehead against Piper's and for the first time Piper realized that Alex wasn't looking completely okay as well. She looked rather tired. Piper was really too self-involved sometimes.
„Are you ok?"
Alex had her eyes closed and nodded slightly, wrapping her arms around Piper, pulling her close.
Piper wanted to ask again, wanted to tell her that she could talk to her but the second she opened her mouth, Alex lips were on her's, it was a light kiss, not like those hungry ones from earlier. It was soft and tender and more intimate than every kiss before. There still was the tingly nervous feeling inside of her but there was suddelny something new, something melancholy and at the same time beloved. And a sudden fear that maybe this wasn't going to last forever.
It gave her strength and made her vulnerable.
„I have to go" Alex whispered against Piper's lips and Piper felt like a piece of her was leaving the room, the second Alex left.
It seemed like both of them had their secrets and though Piper really wanted to know everything about Alex, she knew she had to accept that she maybe never would.
Piper left home really early the next day, avoiding to see anyone of her family. After the talk with the doctor the day before her parents hadn't been leaving her alone until late at night.
Her mother had cried, her father had screamed, they had blamed Piper and themselves before starting to blame each other. Their voices haunted her in her dreams.
„My wife is a goddamn drunk and my daughter is an anorexic."
„It's your fault! You are never at home."
„You are home, why haven't you ever noticed?"
„Don't you ever think about what you do to your mother and me with this behaviour?"
„You work too much."
„The kids are alone way too much."
„My child is not having a therapy."
„What will the neighbors say?"
„You're blaming me? How should she learn to live healthy with you living off wine?"
„Can't you lose weight like other people do?"
„What if Cal sees you doing this?"
„Don't blame the child. It's your fault, you are a crappy father!"
Piper had barely slept more than 4 hours and she felt like an emtpy shell, so when she strayed through the town, killing time until school started, she couldn't help it.
She sat down in an open all night diner and started stuffing herself with waffles, pancakes, eggs, filling up the weakness and emptiness inside her.
But right when she was on the toilett, when she was about to vomit it all out again, she couldn't bring herself to it. The accusations of her parents shutting her mouth close like dried cement.
She felt gross and fat but for the first time in the past half year, she could not take this way of getting rid of the calories, it would gross her out even more.
Leaving the toilet, she put the money on the counter, grabbed her jacket off the stool and left the diner without looking back.
More than anything she wanted to be with Alex right now, wanted to tell her everything, wanted to lie in her arms and have the feeling that everything was gonna be okay, eventually.
But Alex wasn't here, and even if she was, Piper could not tell her anything about it, because as soon as Alex got bored of Piper, as soon as she realized this was all just a big mistake she had made, she would probably turn her back on her. And Nichols was too much of a threat.
So Piper was alone, with no one to talk. Should she call Polly, making her worry even more than she already did? No, she had to deal with this on her own.
It wasn't really cold outside, even though it was so early in the morning, but Piper was freezing, she pulled her jacket closer around her skinny body, being awfully aware of her full belly.
When her phone rang, she thought it was Alex, but when she pulled it out of her pocket and looked on the screen, it was a name she hadn't seen on there for a while.
It wasn't that big of a surprise though, she had kind of waited for that call. She considered not answering, but she knew he would try again and again until she answered, so she pressed the green button and brought the phone to her ear.
„Danny?"
„Hi Pipes." His voice sounded so familiar even through the phone. They hadn't talked in weeks, the time difference and their busy schedules made it hard to stay in contact on a regular basis.
„Hey" Piper's voice was cold, she wanted to show him how little she appreciated his call at this day.
„Mom's called me this morning, well, in the middle of the night on your time. She told me."
He didn't need to say that, of course she had called him, why else would he call her at seven in the morning?
„So you wanna accuse me of anything, too. Go on, just do it, though I hardly believe that there is anything left that I haven't heard last night already." Only then Piper realized how pissed she was at him, that he had left her and Cal in this unbearable family situation, that he had left her to be the big sibling, that she had to play his role now.
„Are you okay, munchkin?" He hadn't called her that in ages and it immediately brought tears to her eyes. His voice was so tender and brotherly, as if he was trying to say sorry, sorry for not being there, sorry for leaving, sorry for everything.
Piper shook her head, although he obviously couldn't see that. She was far from okay.
„Do you wanna talk about it?"
Piper shook her head again.
„Pipes, you still there?"
„Yeah, sorry, no. I … I don't know what to say." she said honestly, snuffling.
„You don't need to say anything. Just... you can call me whenever you want, okay? I'm there for you." his voice was warm and caring like it always was. Piper had just forgotten about it in all the time they hadn't talked.
„Thanks, Dan." She was actually grateful, those had been the first nice words she had heard from one of her family members ever since her big secret had been revealed. Well, one of her big secrets, considering that she had a girlfriend now.
„And munchkin" he said, before he hung up „Don't let mom and dad get to you, they are idiots sometimes. Take care!"
Piper stuffed her phone back into her pocket. Maybe, just maybe she had found a new ally in her chaotic, stressful life.
So after this cliffhanger I didn't want to let you wait for too long and so here I sit in the middle of the night, finishing the new chapter. And here it is, I really hope you like it :)
Thank you all for reviewing my lovelies, your feedback really motivates me to go on with this story (even if it is nearly half past 2 in germany ;))
I wish you all a good night/day XXX
Oh and besides, of course I do not think that eating disorders or any form of mental or physical illness should be considered a weakness, I only wrote it out of Piper's POV, because this is what she feels what it is. If any of you is struggling with those kind of things, please know that you are not weak and you are not alone.