(Authors note) I realized that i haven't done a disclaimer yet so i decided to place one here, just to be safe. I would also like to thank everyone who has commented on this story it has been a big encouragement for this story:)
Disclaimer: Hetalia or any characters within hetalia do not belong to me they belong to Hidekaz Himaruya
Cymru quickly excused himself running up the stairs to fetch the box, leaving the others to talk to one another only glancing back to check Arthur wasn't trying to follow him.
"Where is he going?" Arthur asked as his eyes followed his twins form before landing on Scotland, whom held a look of guilt on his face "what is happening Alba?" Arthur asked again worrying that he may have scared his brothers off just like the others.
"We know Arthur... we found your journal upstairs and read through it-"alba began explaining but was cut off by an angry brit "YOU WHAT!" Arthur yelled his voice holding anger although if you listened carefully you could hear the hint of worry in there 'what have they read?' Arthur thought as he looks from Alba to Shawn in an accusing manner.
"We only read one page Arthur but it was a page that caused us all to worry I would like you to explain it to us if you can?" Alba lied, leaning forward towards Arthur, waiting for the younger man to answer, as Shawn took that as the signal to go and fetch the book. After Shawn had left the youngest brother finally gave his answer deciding that he needed to get this question out before going any further just incase.
"NO! I know you'll all leave me when you find out! Just like all the others did" the blonde exclaimed causing Alba to stare at his younger brother in shock. That statement had made Arthur sound so frightened and insecure, like he had been left by them before, oh right he had. Pulling himself out of his shock, alba did something he hadn't done to Arthur since he was a little child, reaching forward he pulled England towards him sitting him onto his lap placing Arthurs head into the crook of his neck and giving him a small squeeze before speaking the promise he had said many times before to comfort all of his brothers when they had become insecure, when each of them doubted the security of their bonds with one another.
"I swear, even when i draw my last breath i shall never leave you. I always have been and will be with you, even when you don't want me there i shall be. Whether it is next to you or just in the background i shall be there to protect you... this I promise to you" feeling Arthur nod into his neck in acceptance. Truly believing that his brother's wouldn't leave him Arthur began to relax a bit preparing him-self for what was going to happen, waiting for the others to from their little jobs sitting comfortably on his eldest brothers' lap listening to Scotland's' steady breathing.
It didn't take long as they returned with two objects the journal, being carried by Wales as Ireland couldn't hold it without becoming annoyed, and the box which Alba had brought in. Placing the objects next two Scotland they both sat down on the floor in front of the two waiting. Arthur was the first to move, reaching towards his journal he flipped towards the page which his brothers had placed a book mark on clearly labelling which one was to be explained. He quickly skimmed through the writing remembering all that had happened that day, the cruel words, having to watch Alfred unconsciously rub in the fact that he had won, the pain he felt when he watched everyone leave. He was right when he said the only good thing that day was talking to his three colonies, the ones who stayed until they were ready before ASKING, not just leaving asking for permission, to leave the house. Granted Canada wasn't his colony anymore but at least when he left he just moved out, he didn't denounce their relationship, he loved his eldest colonies like and father would love his sons, sure they were not the oldest by age but they had stayed with him the longest, loved him the longest, for the briefest of moments Arthur allowed a smile to grace his face before it vanished once more, back behind his wall of emotions.
"So what part do you want me to explain?" he asked looking to all of his brothers already knowing which bit was supposed to be explained he sighed and began his explanation
"I'm guessing you want the end of it explaining hmm... well that is fairly simple, it was the rebound of my depression, it always is when it gets to that date...i was feeling really depressed that day everything was getting to me... the abuse I kept getting off of Francis wasn't really helping. Usually I can just ignore it all but I couldn't that day America just kept shouting about throwing a giant party to celebrate the anniversary of his independence and telling jokes about how weak the British were the constant digs were affecting me a bit so Australia, new Zealand and Canada came over to talk to me, Australia even told america to shut up (a small giggle escaped his lips as he carried on)... they really are good kids. That talk had cheered me up a bit but France decided to knock me down again... he was saying mainly the usual stuff but with a bit more spite in it this time it really got to me is all nothing else I just... I don't know I really didn't know why I was alive, I mean why should i even be alive i-i-i-if I" that was all Arthur could manage before he broke down into sobs. Francis's words replaying in his head, the constant gloating America shouted both playing over and over in his head like a broken record.
Alba reacted quickly when he saw Arthur breaking again, quickly placing him back into the position they were in before only this time Arthur was gripping at his shirt as sobs broke through his lips. Tears streaming down his cheeks as Alba began rocking back and forth humming to try and calm Arthur down. North Ireland and Wales just watched, waiting in silence for Arthur to calm down both wanting to help but knew Scotland knew what to do.
After a while England had finally calmed down, apologizing once again for crying. He'd been doing a lot of that today. "Ok what questions do you have?" Arthur asked finally waiting for his brothers to start, each had had enough time to think of a question to ask, nobody seemed to want to ask though just incase they upset Arthur, being the first to think of this plan Alba went first asking his question.
"Why didn't you come to us sooner? I mean I know that we didn't agree much back in the day but we got over that way before all of this so that's my question... why didn't you ask us for help?" all eye looked towards Arthur expectantly, as they all wanted to know the answer to this question. Arthur sat and thought of a way to word this correctly without sounding stuck up or weak.
"I thought I could handle it on my own, like it was just something that would go away... I guess I should have known better. But i guess that doesn't explain why I didn't come to you all before this... I guess I didn't want to bother you all with my problems I mean you all have your own countries to worry about..." he faded of realising the only thing that could come from this was insults. He felt a sequence of small taps on the back of his head, his leg and arm. Looking at each of his brothers he could see they were each sporting their own smirks. One at a time voicing their opinions going from Cymru, Shawn and finally Alba
"Geeze brawd, you made me worry a bit there"
"Yeah, I mean it's was like we thought you didn't want our help anymore I kind of began to worry"
"same...but seriously kid, if you need help you don't need to worry about us being busy just come on round were your family it's our job and it's a job I for one like doing" giving Arthur a small squeeze before looking towards Cymru waiting for his question.
"Have you had many days like that lately, I mean where the depression is worse than the day before? That page was only put in two months ago"
"only once, a couple of days ago, nothing to bad though I just went into the woods to wait it out, I can't do myself damage there and neither France or America can find me in there so it's easier" the others just nod at this answer, glad to know their younger brother let logic take over instead of rationality. He was like that most of the time, as long as he didn't do something to rash. Finally it was Shawn's turn to ask his question
"Have you ever caused yourself harm?" His eyes held unusual coldness when he asked his question. The air in the room turned cold as they waited for Arthurs answer. Arthur himself was slowly beginning to panic. Does he tell them or not? Would they even find out if he didn't?
"y-y-y-yes I have..." he couldn't even look at their faces as he spoke the words that would seal his fate. They would surly leave him now, after all who would want to stay with someone as weak as him, slowly he placed his hand over his left wrist remembering the memories each scar held, however vague they were. If he had looked up though he would have seen the shock on both Scotland's and Ireland's faces and the tears which had sprung up into Wales's eyes, their younger brother had hurt himself and they didn't even know. Letting his eyes rest on England, Wales could see him gripping at his wrist. Carefully reaching forward he removed the smaller hand and inspected the wrist. Gasping at what he saw: the wrist was full of lines going in every direction, messily spread along the wrist, ranging from small barely visible lines to large white scars. The gasp had caught the attention of the others, including Arthur who didn't even feel his brother move his hand, the next thing Arthur knew was he was pushed fully onto his back with Alba's arm across his chest and upper arms pinning him back as the others looked at both of his wrists. 'I only did the scars when I was drunk' Arthur thought as he waited to be released.
"Why the HELL DID YOU DO THIS!" all eyes looked to the one who shouted, Ireland. His breath was hitched as he glared at Arthur, waiting for his reply. The younger blond just stared at him thinking...'it wasn't as if I wanted to' anger slowly made its way into his system, moving so he could stand up he looked at Ireland, who just kept shouting insults upon his deaf ears, before giving his answer.
"You really want to know, fine I will bloody tell you! I needed to forget the dream to forget everything, I tried honestly I did... I didn't want to scar myself I would usually just burn myself it's easier and goes away but it stopped working after a while so ...so I started drinking" sighing Arthur continued backing up slightly "I would drink till I couldn't remember the night before, but every time I woke up I would have another scar... I stopped drinking 7 months ago but the scars are still there" by the end of the explanation Arthur had managed to back up far enough that he was close to the back door. His brothers weren't far behind him though, each one of them stood ready to chase after him should he run. Scotland looked around a bit confused before finally speaking
"Wait what dreams? You mentioned them in the book as well but you didn't explain them?" the others nodded their heads before looking towards Arthur, obviously trying to change to subject of which Arthur was grateful for. Sighing Arthur corrected his brothers whilst walking towards them.
"Not 'dreams' it's just A dream more like a memory... it's always the same dream it starts off with that field and ends the same way every time...the end of the revolutionary war always the same thing, same sentence right down to the same people and feelings" looking up at his brothers he before he excused himself saying he was going to retire to his bedroom, knowing he wouldn't be going to sleep just yet as it was only 10pm but he needed to get away from his brothers. He needed to think about what he had just done.
Chuckling at him-self as he thought about what had happened tonight. 'God I must have sounded like a bloody teenage girl' he continued through the house, realising he had just signed his way into a fate worse than hell in a small conversation. Stopping just next to the library door, he spends many nights in here now due to his self-inflicted insomnia. It wasn't as if he wanted to lose sleep he just didn't want to relive that day again, that was the whole reason he had the library installed into his home. Quickly he made his way over to his usual corner picking up the book he was currently reading, sitting down and continued to read his book, ignoring the world he lived in, in favor of adventures captured within the small printed words on a simple page.