Summary: Patsy and Delia's relationship is tested.
Disclaimer: Call The Midwife belongs to the BBC and others - I am simply borrowing their beautiful characters.
Author's note: This part was very hard to write. I hope I've done it justice.
The nuns were in compline by the time Patsy got home and the kitchen was empty as she decided to make herself a mug of Bournvita. She had had a really enjoyable evening with Dr Parker, even if she had stayed out later than she intended, although she had been mildly alarmed at the drive home. The good doctor did seem to like a bit of speed. Patsy had carefully avoided engaging her in conversation on the way back so she could concentrate on the road, and as she sat down with her drink, she realised that she knew next to nothing about the other woman's background. She frowned slightly. This must be what it was like for others trying to get to know her, Patsy thought wryly, having an equally tight guard on her own private life.
"I don't suppose you made enough for two did you?" A lilting voice echoed through the kitchen as Delia appeared, unbuttoning her nurse's coat.
Patsy smiled broadly before wincing apologetically. "Sorry Deels, I wasn't expecting you back yet."
Delia came up and squeezed Patsy's shoulder briefly as she walked past toward the stove. "Not to worry, it won't take me long to whip up some more."
Patsy moved to stand right next to Delia. "You could always make do with sharing mine," she offered.
Delia grinned but was somewhat surprised. Patsy's usual reserve and guardedness was nowhere to be seen; something that usually only happened when she had been drinking, and even then only if they were completely alone. "Have you been on the sauce, Patience Mount?"
Patsy shrugged. "Only a couple of glasses of wine with dinner," she replied candidly.
"Wine with dinner here? When did the nuns start doing that?"
"No, not here. I was at Joanna's." Patsy was surprised to see Delia stiffen. "What?"
"You went to her house for dinner?" Delia's tone had suddenly turned cold.
"I didn't intend to have dinner there," Patsy explained. "I went back there to look at some research and lost track of the time."
Delia rolled her eyes and moved away from Patsy to sit down at the table. "That's an old one."
"Delia, it's what happened." Patsy was starting to get annoyed and her voice was clipped.
Delia sighed. She knew her reaction was borne from jealousy again and completely unfair on Patsy. She locked down her emotions with an effort. "I'm sorry Patsy. I'm being stupid again."
Patsy took charge of the pan of milk Delia had left on the hob and waited for it to heat. She glanced at the brunette. "Do you want me to tell you about it, or would that be pouring oil on troubled waters?"
Delia made herself think about the options. It would be so much easier to block out what Patsy was doing so she could just ignore the potential threat of the doctor, but she knew that was unfair to Patsy, who was allowed to have other friends, and the vacuum any lack of information created would only be filled by Delia's overactive and somewhat paranoid imagination. She wasn't sure she could control her reactions to whatever Patsy said however, and that might be playing with fire too. The one thing she did know was that Patsy was trying to do the right thing, and certainly wasn't intentionally doing anything to hurt her feelings.
The Welsh woman took a deep breath and looked up. "Yes, please. But only once you've made me my Bournvita." She managed a small impish smile which prompted the taller woman to shake her head, but it was a purely tactical move on Delia's part - she needed a few more moments to school her emotions.
Patsy prepared the drink and then sat down, handing over the mug. "Last week, when Dr Parker started, we talked about the challenges of poor hygiene in deprived areas. She had a real bee in her bonnet about trying to improve things." Delia nodded, recalling the conversation from the cafe. "She said she had a load of research papers that she offered to show me."
Delia stiffened, and almost interrupted, but instead took a sip from her drink. This was much harder than she thought it was going to be.
Patsy saw the movement and narrowed her eyes slightly. "I didn't at the time as it was your rest after nights, and we had a date." She returned the impulsive smile that ghosted across Delia's features; she had used the term deliberately. "To be honest, I completely forgot about the offer until she brought it up. I knew you were on a late today and I wasn't on call, so it wasn't a problem for me." Patsy sat back. "Once we got to her home, we went through the papers and discussed theories. And that was that."
"So where did the wine come in?" Delia tried to keep her voice neutral.
"She'd already opened the bottle by the time I sat down at the kitchen table. We just had a couple of glasses with dinner." She thought about the scenario for a moment. "I promise you Deels, I didn't get any sort of odd feeling from her at all. She was the perfect professional."
Delia nodded. "So you just talked about work?" She prompted.
"Well we did the usual small talk over dinner. Your ears should have been burning actually. I was telling her what a film buff you were."
Delia smiled. "Telling her that I dragged you to all the films you didn't want to see?"
Patsy had the decency to look at little chagrined. "Maybe. Then I made her drink a cup of coffee before she drove me back through the the Blackwall tunnel. That was an exciting little trip."
"She drove you back drunk?" Delia was instantly outraged.
"No. She'd only had a couple of glasses too. She was fine." Patsy thought for a moment. "I will say though Deels that next time we have a day off, we're going to Greenwich Park. It's glorious. But we'll use the foot tunnel."
Delia couldn't help herself. "Only if she's not home."
Patsy rolled her eyes. "Come on Delia. I've told you everything that's happened. Why are you being like this?"
"I can't help it Pats. I don't trust her round you."
"You don't need to. You only need to trust me."
"It's not that simple and you know it," Delia disputed.
"What are you expecting her to do? She hasn't done anything that suggests to me she even thinks of women in that way, let alone me." Patsy's voice was a harsh whisper.
"I saw the way she looked at you," Delia replied stubbornly.
"No, you didn't. You saw what you wanted to see." Patsy got up suddenly, snatching Delia's empty cup before going over to the sink to wash up. "And you admitted yourself that you were tired." She set her jaw as she scrubbed at the mug furiously. Her mind was spinning. It was all very well Delia stating that it was Dr Parker that she didn't trust, but it felt awfully like it wasn't her she trusted. That really stung Patsy. She thought they had an inherent understanding with their relationship. There was enough pressure on them both with having to love each other in secret. That in itself meant that they had to learn to trust each other at an early stage. Patsy had always considered that absolute faith in each other to be one of strongest foundations their relationship had, but at the moment she was rocked that there could be cracks in it.
Delia stared at the back of Patsy's head while she marshalled her thoughts. She knew she was feeling jealous and irrational, but Barbara's casual comments the other day about Patsy and Dr Parker having common interests had been eating away at her. She was being terribly unfair to Patsy too. She wasn't sure how she could talk to her about this though.
The older woman turned round from the sink to see Delia staring at her intently. She sighed. "Delia, every time you say you don't trust her, it feels like that you're saying that you don't trust me," she told her sadly.
"What? No! That's not the case at all." Delia was shocked. She hadn't even considered it in that way.
"I know it's not what you mean, but it's how I feel. It's like you'd think I'd either welcome her advances or not have the strength to say no."
"Well it's not like you can say you're already involved with me."
"I don't need to." Patsy sighed again. "I don't need to give her an excuse if she did ask. I'd just say no. But you don't trust that I can do that."
Delia held her head in her hands, frustrated. "I don't mean that at all Patsy. I'm jealous. Okay? I admit it. And just like you can't say anything about us, I can't go up to her and tell her to back off."
Patsy stood up straighter. "I'm not your property, Delia."
The Welsh woman groaned, angry at herself. "God, I didn't mean that either. I'm sorry Pats. I can't seem to do anything right."
Patsy took a deep breath and realised that they were both angry. It felt like the closest they had ever come to having a full on argument. "I'm going to bed. I need to calm down, and I think you do too. We'll talk tomorrow."
She stalked out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. Delia stared after her morosely. "But we won't though, Pats." she whispered sadly. "You'll just say we've already discussed it." She felt hot tears roll down her cheeks and she did her best to control her breathing and by extension, her emotions. She knew she had messed up, but it hurt that Patsy couldn't seem to even see it from her point of view. After a few minutes, she got up and refilled the kettle. Her mind was racing so there was no point going to bed. She'd just lie there and wallow in self-pity.
As she stared at the hob, willing the kettle to boil, Delia heard the door, and hurriedly wiped her eyes before taking a deep breath in an effort to get her voice back under control.
"Good evening nurse Busby." Nurse Crane's northern tones greeted. "I didn't expect you to still be up."
Delia coughed before answering. "I wasn't ready to go to bed yet," she replied without turning round. "Would you like a cup of tea?"
Phyllis stared at nurse Busby's back for a second. The young woman was clearly upset about something. "Only if you're making one, that would be lovely. But none of your weak, barely brewed stuff. I like mine good and strong."
Delia couldn't help but smile, grateful for the slight teasing and a small sliver of normality. "I'll pour mine first and let yours steep a bit longer then," she replied.
Nurse Crane sat down and allowed the young woman the time to gather herself behind the pretence of making tea before gratefully accepting her cup. She took a sip and couldn't resist one more comment. "It's quite passable, nurse Busby. You should try it, instead of your hot milk."
Delia shook her head. "It's not that bad." She protested, smiling as she saw a glint in Phyllis's eye. She nodded to the older nurse. "Thank you," she said, knowing that Phyllis would understand what she meant.
Nurse Crane nodded the comment away as she took another sip. "I'm a good listener, if it helps," she offered gently.
Delia's smile faltered slightly. "I'm sure you are, but it's not something I can talk to you about," she replied sadly.
"Nothing good ever came from keeping secrets, nurse Busby," Phyllis advised.
"No, but some secrets aren't to be shared either," Delia returned. "I wish I could, but I can't." She looked up at the ceiling as her voice broke slightly, desperately trying to keep the tears that were forming in her eyes again from spilling. "Please don't ask again," she whispered imploringly.
Phyllis's heart broke for the poor girl. She had an idea that something had gone on between her and nurse Mount, and could appreciate why nurse Busby would be unwilling to say anything. It must be horrendous for them, she decided, having no one to confide in but each other. Who else could they rely on when they experienced troubles of their own?
The nurse from Leeds got up and moved to where Delia sat. "Don't worry kid. These things do have a way of sorting themselves out." She wrapped an arm round the seated girl and gave her a safe haven to cry.
To be continued...