Piper was so tired of fighting alone, she wanted Alex to finally take the lead for her, for them.
„You have to tell her." She stated, her voice more in controll than she had thought it to be.
Alex raised her head from Piper's shoulder, looking at her with big, shocked eyes. She wasn't used to Piper demanding things, she wasn't used to Piper standing up for herself.
„What?"
Piper stood up from her bed, sitting down on her desk and it felt like they hadn't only physically changed positions. Seeing Alex being jealous and hurt had set something lose. Because Alex cared, there was no denying and doubting it anymore, Alex cared and that gave Piper the courage to start going into this fight. If Alex wouldn't stand up for her now, she probably never would.
„Tell … Nicky" she nearly spit that name out „that you are with me now. Tell her to back off!" Piper had never felt that brave before.
„You are kidding me, right?" Alex was getting angry again but at the same time she seemed to be tired and exhausted, the way Piper had felt for days and Piper had to struggle hard not to get weak again.
„Why, Alex? What is the big deal with being honest? Are you that ashamed of me?" Piper couldn't stay sitting on that desk, she was way too upset, so she jumped off it again, now standing in the room, not sure what to do with her hands or with herself in general. But she promised herself to not cry again in front of Alex, not this time.
„Ashamed? Is that what you think this is about?" Alex stood up from the bed, walking up towards Piper, taking her hand in her's. „Babe, I'm not ahsamed of you." she whispered, leaning in to kiss her on the lips.
„Don't." Piper whispered, not trusting her voice to be strong enough. She backed off, pulling her hand out of her girlfriend's because she knew she wouldn't be able to stay strong if Alex stayed this close to her, if she could smell her and feel her warmth radiating.
„Don't make me go easy on you."
„Go easy on me? What is this, I am your enemy now?" Alex was not trying to close the gap that Piper had teared between them.
„No, but you are not on my side either."
„I am not taking sides in this." Alex shook her head, sitting down on the bed again. But Piper didn't intend to cut her some slack, she had gone too far to back out again.
„Yes, you are. By letting me carry the can for this shitty situation. Why don't ever confront her with what she does? You are taking sides Alex, not doing anything is doing something, too."
„Because Nicky needs me on her side, she is my sister." Alex rised her arms and let them fall on the matress again, they were trying to keep their voices down to not wake Cal or the whole neighborhood for that matter, but Alex's voice was close to yelling.
„I need you on my side too, Alex." Piper grabbed the brochures that had fallen to the floor in front of the bed and shoved them nearly into Alex's face. „I need you on my side too."
„You're saying this is my fault? Fuck you!" Alex hissed, jumping off the bed again.
„No, but you are not fucking helping."
„How could I, you fucking didn't want me to know. So much about honesty, huh?" Alex ripped her the brochures out of her hand, waving them around. „You talk about being honest and taking sides while you don't even have the guts to tell me you're sick. I don't even know what we are if we don't talk about things like this. So what am I supposed to tell Nicky about what we are?" Alex had been getting quieter and sadder during her speech and Piper actually saw tears dwelling in her eyes.
„You're acting like this is all easy for me, like I am not suffering from this situation. You think you are weak and need me. But you are so much stronger than her, okay? You don't even need me."
„What do you mean I don't need you. I just said that I need you." Piper threw her hands up in the air in desperation.
„If you needed me, you would have told me about this." Alex held up the brochure again, a tear rolling down her face.
„And how you dare pressuring me into coming out? You haven't come out to your family either, have you? So stop being so damn righteous!"
Piper had been close to give in, seeing Alex cry, but that accusation ripped her apart in the middle and all her frustration floated out of her again.
„I am righteous? You watch your sister bullying everybody in school and think it's ok, because she, like many other children in this world, had a tough childhood, but I am righteous? I love you Alex, but this is not ok."
„You love me?" Alex stood there, like struck by light, a smile playing on her lips.
„Don't change the subject Alex. You know what, I will come out. I will tell my mum tonight and I will call my dad and my brother right in the morning, but then you have to do it, too. Because if you don't, I have no idea how to carry on with this."
„You're threatening to break up with me?" Alex voice was still, like silence before the storm maybe, but Piper had no idea what was going on in Alex's mind.
„Would you care?"
„Would I... What? Piper you really have no clue, do you?" Alex was standing in front of her, taking her face in her hands. „I have never had a girlfriend before. I had girls. I'm not the one who has a girlfriend. But you are my girlfriend, YOU are my girlfriend."
Alex kissed Piper on the lips and for a second Piper felt weakening, but it felt so wrong, so she backed out of that kiss even if she wanted it to feel right.
„No. That is not enough!" Piper whispered, swallowing the tears down that were threatening to come up.
„That's all I have." Alex voice was breaking as she said it and Piper's heart was breaking, because that meant they never had a chance. „What more do you want from me, Piper?"
„I want you to be on my side."
Piper wasn't begging, she knew it was no use. She wanted Alex to see herself that telling Nicky was the only option for them to have a future. She had made her point clear and all that remained for her to do was to wait.
„You should leave now Alex, it's late." She felt that she didn't have the power to remain strong any longer, she needed Alex to go, so she could have her breakdown.
The second the front door closed, the tears started rolling down Piper's face. She pushed down the regret that had started building up inside of her like half an hour ago, she knew she had put her whole relationship at risk. But she was feeling like dying on the inside, she felt like her relationship was putting her health at risk and she needed to finally stand up for herself.
Now Piper had to wait, wait for Alex to decide, wait for her mother to come home. She had made her decision and the constant wait was driving her nuts. It was dark outside already and it had started to rain. Piper watched the raindrops racing down the windows while she was sitting in the dark on the white couch next to the cold empty fireplace. It was almost meditative, the sound of the wind in the trees and the drops against the window. Piper was freezing, her legs pulled tight to her body to hold her together weren't warming her enough but she was too nervous to go upstairs to get a blanket and she didn't want to miss the moment her mother came home.
It was half past eleven already when she finally heard the key in the lock and her mother walked into the kitchen, turning on the light. She jerked when she saw Piper sitting in the livingroom. "Jesus! Piper why are you sitting in the dark?" Her voice was nicer than usual and Piper knew she was trying to make up for the past weeks and months and it gave Piper the courage she needed. "Can I talk to you?" Her mother nodded, nervousness flashing in her eyes, but she sat down on the other couch, facing her daughter who felt like she was getting sick.
"What is it?" Carol broke the silence, worry in her voice and Piper couldn't remember the last time her mother has actually been worried about something else than what the neighbors might think. "I'm gonna go to this group." Piper said, chickening out. It was the only thing she could think of in her panic. The smile on her mother's face was so bright and new that Piper couldn't destroy it with the truth, not today. And so she enjoyed her mother's happiness as she stroked her head like she had done when Piper had still been small. Carol even pecked her on the forehead while telling her she had her first AA meeting the next day sending tears to Piper's eyes. This crying thing was really getting out of controll.
Her mother was almost out of the room when Piper was overwhelmed by the feeling of wanting to kick herself into her chicken butt.
"Mum, wait. That's not what I wanted to tell you." She didn't want to be as coward as Alex, she wanted to be the brave one. Carol sat down on the sofa again, the worry back on her former smiling face. Piper had to close her eyes to find the courage she needed. She tried to take a deep breath but it got stuck in her troath meeting her racing heartbeat there.
Piper wiped her sweaty palms over her pants, there was no way back now.
"I met someone."
Carol's eyes got even brighter than earlier when Piper had told her she would attend the counseling group.
"Oh Piper. That is so nice, I was afraid you'd never get a boyfriend. What's his name?" Piper closed her eyes again she didn't want to see her mother's smile vanishing at the revelation.
"Her name is Alex." Her voice was not as strong as she had hoped it to be, seemingly she had used all her strength in the fight with Alex.
"I beg your pardon?" Piper's heart dropped on the floor, saying it a second time was nothing she felt capable of. And she didn't need to. "You mean to say you are dating a girl?"
Piper couldn't say anything, she felt like somebody had kinked a knot into her throat that threatened to choke her.
"Is this some kind of revenge for your father and me getting a divorce?"
"What?" Piper pressed through her knotted throat. She felt like standing at the edge of a deep dark pit.
"Are you trying to punish us for getting a divorce?" her mother was deadly serious.
"No." Piper nearly yelled. The situation was absurd, they hadn't talked this much in weeks, now they were sitting in the poorly lit living room, facing each other like patient and counselor. Piper was unable to say who was who, her mother looked as unfomcortable with the situation as Piper felt. "Then why have you suddenly decided to be gay?" The knot in Piper's throat exploded from the hot anger that was boiling in her.
"What the fuck? I have not DECIDED to be gay! This is not s decision!" the fact that she wasn't even sure if she was gay she kept to herself, it was confusing enough already. "Also this is not sudden! I knew I'm like this for three years!" whatever 'this' was. "I've been in love with Rory. I kissed her!" Piper had no idea why she was telling her mother this, she felt like being in a bad movie with a very lame script. Her mother shook her head, she didn't really seem angry, not amused either but Piper had actually expected her to freak out.
"I never liked this girl." Carol mumbled, referring to Rory, and Piper couldn't help herself, she had to laugh. About the absurdity, about her mother's reaction, about herself because she really had thought that her mother's opinion would matter. Her mother had never liked anything Piper did aside from learning. So why should it matter now what she thought.
If she was accepting her, perfect, if not, so it be.
"What's so funny Piper?"
"Nothing, mum. Well, I just wanted you to know." She stood up from that sofa, waving her hand in her mother's direction without even looking at her, she had been honest and she had told her, that was all that mattered to her. „Good night, mum."
„Good night Piper. And I am really glad you will go to this group." her mother tried a smile, that was almost convincing and Piper was actually glad, that was more thanshe had been hoping for.
I am very sorry for not updating so long. I've been really missing inspiration the last days :(
Thanks again for all your reviews, you people are amazing! Much love XXX