Chapter 6: Little Comforts
(Thanks to Beaker (Oh, someone will find Renji soon...), Winterheart2000 (Here's more to enjoy!), Willow (Here's your update!), Aizenfan6969 (More angst and struggle coming right up!), BleachLover (The wait is over, and more is coming!), Picklez80 (I was pretty sure you'd like the golden tattoos...), KittyKins (Someone's about to get a little reckless!), Kyuumihaira (Eh, I torture readers so they can know the misery my muse causes me and won't be alone in it? lol), Dramamelon (Heehee, I enjoy the angst also. *ducks as Tetsuya hurls a waterball*), Shima-Taicho31 (Yup, exciting stuff on the way!) and Alabirdie (Yay! So glad you are enjoying the story!) Love to all, Spunky)
(One Month Later...)
Koji sensed the awakening flicker in his master's reiatsu and smiled as he entered Tetsuya's bedroom.
"Good morning, Tetsuya-sa-?"
He blinked in surprise as the young man in the bed made a hasty exit and dashed to the bathroom.
"Oh..."
His curious expression became sympathetic as the sound of retching issued from the bathroom.
"Oh, poor Tetsuya-sama..." he sighed, shaking his head and following.
He waited quietly at the open bathroom door until the sounds had stopped, then walked to where Tetsuya knelt, leaning against the wall and groaning unhappily. Pausing at the sink, he picked up and cooled a washcloth with water from the sink, then moved to Tetsuya's side and bent to wash the young man's sweaty face.
"Are you all right, Tetsuya-sama?" he asked, brushing several damp black strands away from his master's face.
"I am fine, Koji," Tetsuya assured him as the attendant turned back to fill a cup with water for him.
Tetsuya accepted the water gratefully and rinsed his mouth, then stood, rubbing his aching stomach for a moment before heading back into his room and sitting down on the edge of the bed. He felt a flicker of sadness as he asked the question he had asked every morning upon waking, since the month before when Renji had disappeared.
"Koji, has there been word from Byakuya?"
Koji frowned sympathetically and shook his head.
"No, I am sorry, sir. There has been no word. I suppose they are still searching for the one who...ah, they are still searching."
"I see. Thank you."
Tetsuya swallowed hard and headed for the dressing area, where his attendant dressed him in his house guard's uniform, then brushed the long, unruly waves of his hair until they reluctantly fell into a somewhat orderly position.
"Tetsuya-sama, this is the fourth day you have awakened and been ill."
Tetsuya sighed.
"I think we both know I am not ill," he said quietly, "I am pregnant again."
Koji gave him a questioning look.
"Are you not happy?" he inquired, "I know you are still very sad about losing Renji-sama, but...isn't this probably his child as well?"
"It is his child...just his and mine," Tetsuya said with certainty, "Byakuya hasn't..."
He paused and blushed. Koji smiled and Tetsuya cleared his throat.
"He hasn't penetrated me since before I had Naoki," he finished, "He left just after Renji disappeared and hasn't been back since. This is Renji's child and mine."
Koji's friendly eyes took on a troubled look for a moment, but then he brightened.
"Tetsuya-sama, you should send a hell butterfly to Byakuya-sama! Tell him that you are expecting again. I just know he will come home if you tell him."
The attendant's eyes saddened at the forlorn look that had taken over Tetsuya's face.
"You don't understand, Koji," Tetsuya said, his head bowing, "Byakuya has never had the affection for me that he has for Renji. I sometimes wonder if he only accepted me because Renji wished it. And even when we were alone together, it was never the same between me and him. We did try to make things better, but..."
"Oh, Tetsuya-sama, don't say such things!" Koji exclaimed, taking his hands and rubbing them gently, "Byakuya-sama loves you very much! You know he does!"
"Then, why hasn't he come home even once for the last month?" Tetsuya asked, his eyes filling with indignant tears, "He only made sure that I wasn't going to die and then he left to search for the one who killed Renji and he forgot that I am still alive!"
Koji stared back at him, lost for words as Tetsuya dissolved into tears.
"Even if he did come back, it wouldn't be for me. He doesn't love me, Koji. I just have to accept the truth!"
"Tetsuya-sama, please, don't despair!" Koji soothed him, touching his face and continuing to rub his hands, "Byakuya-sama just wants to make the one who took Renji-sama from us pay. He doesn't love you any less, truly!"
"A-are you saying that...I am just being selfish? Sh-should I go and help him search?" Tetsuya wondered aloud, "I wanted to go before, but he asked me to stay here. I think it's more than clear why. I should have insisted. I should have gone then. I don't know. Maybe I should go now..."
"But you are with child now," Koji worried, "You shouldn't go and take chances like that. You had such trouble with your first pregnancy, and even the second, you needed constant infusions to stabilize you."
Koji's eyes widened.
"Tetsuya-sama...what about the stabilizing?" he asked worriedly, "If Renji-sama is the father, and he cannot be here to do the infusions...and Byakuya-sama, even if he was here, cannot because he is not the father...?"
Tetsuya gazed back at Koji breathlessly.
"What will we do?" his attendant asked urgently.
Tetsuya closed his eyes against the harsh reality.
I have carried the secret all of this time that Renji became a hollow. I don't know where he is or who that hollow was that did it to him, but he seemed to be very powerful. He is probably somehow connected to the rulers of Hueco Mundo.
The only way to find Renji and to try to save our baby is to go there secretly!
He steeled himself against the frightening emotions that rose up at the thought.
"It will be all right, Koji," he assured his attendant, "Now, if you don't mind, I would like something to eat."
"You are hungry?" Koji said, nodding encouragingly, "I will go and have Matsuko-san prepare you a large meal, right away!"
"Thank you, Koji," Tetsuya said, excusing the attendant.
He waited until he was alone, then swiftly gathered a few items necessary for the journey. He slipped everything into a pack and slung it over his shoulder, then glanced in the direction Koji had gone, wearing a guilty expression.
But I can't let anyone know about this. I won't let anyone hurt Renji! I will find him and try to get him to come to his senses. Whatever that hollow has done, I know there must be a way to bring him back to us! I am going to find that way!
He thought sadly about his strained relationship with Byakuya, but pushed the thought away in favor of thinking about what to do, if and when, he found the hollowfied Renji. He left the manor, so deeply in thought, he failed completely to notice his tall black stallion following him.
Carefully masking his reiatsu, he escaped out of the gardens and flash stepped all of the way to the top of the waterfall, just above the gleaming lake where he had finally taken his elder cousin. He paused at the edge, looking down into the water and blinking back tears.
Byakuya-sama, he thought, reverting even in his mind, to the devoted protector he had once been, rather than the spurned lover he ached to escape being, I am sorry that I have failed you as a lover, but I will not fail you as a cousin, as a friend, and as your protector. I will find Renji and whatever I have to do, I will make sure that he returns to you. He is the one you love. He is the one who should be with you. Unlike me, he never would have let this distance grow between you and him. He would have acted sooner to fix things. You were right when you said that I was being too subservient...but maybe that is all I really can be. Do not think it means that I don't love you. I have loved every moment of being with you...of sharing the love we had. But now I have to admit the truth. I was never meant to be with you like this. So, this will be goodbye.
Tetsuya drew his sword and watched as the family senkaimon opened. He stood for a moment, looking into the darkness, then flash stepped into the precipice world. He moved swiftly through the darkness, his heart feeling less broken as he felt that there was, at least, something he could do.
I can find him.
There is a link between us because of the child. I hope that it will make him hesitate to allow me to be killed by the other hollows. But I don't know what will happen.
He exited the senkaimon into Urahara Kisuke's training room and, fortunately, found it empty. He then employed the special token the shopkeeper had once given him to operate the garganta.
As the blackness opened ahead of him, he took a steadying breath and thought fondly of Byakuya's warm smile that he would wear when Renji returned, how he would take the redhead in his arms and make love to him...how, even if Renji was a hollow, Byakuya would...
His thoughts stopped for a moment.
But Byakuya has promised not to break the rules, he reminded himself, I suppose I will have to be the one to step over that line and bring Renji back to his senses. I am sure that if I can convince him to come to Urahara-san, he will be able to do something.
I have to hold out that hope somehow...
He ran into the black cavern, laying down a reiatsu path as he went. Behind him, the doorway shimmered and slowly faded, leaving the arriving stallion snorting and stamping impatiently. Within moments, Kisuke dropped down into the training area from the trapdoor in the shop. He approached the flustered stallion, giving him a curious smile.
"Arashi-chan, what's up?"
He wasn't expecting an answer, as the stallion rarely spoke to any but his master, so a chill of surprise and concern went through him when he heard the wispy voice sound in his mind.
Tetsuya went into the garganta! I need to go after him.
"He used the garganta, huh?" the shopkeeper mused, looking at the place where the doorway into the cavern had been recently used, "Was he going to join Byakuya?"
No. He was very upset about something, and he wasn't sharing his thoughts with me. In fact, he didn't seem to notice that I was following him.
"That doesn't sound good," Kisuke said worriedly, "but if you give me a sec, I will let you through."
I don't know if I will be able to find him, the stallion confessed, as he is concealing his reiatsu even from me.
"Is that right," the shopkeeper said in a mystified tone, "Well, I can give you an opening to where Byakuya is and the two of you can look for him."
Thank you, the stallion communicated gratefully, I am very worried for my master's safety. He has been depressed and anxious ever since Renji disappeared.
"Yeah, I'm sure he has been. Go on, then. I'm sure that you and Byakuya will be able to find him. No one gets away from ol' Byakuya for too long."
I hope you are right, Arashi sighed, pausing as the shopkeeper set the coordinates, then opened the door.
Kisuke watched, wearing a deeply troubled expression.
"Tetsuya-san, I hope you know what you're doing..."
XXXXXXXXXX
King Yutaka gazed curiously as the royal healer leaned over his red-haired consort and examined the unusually pale flesh of his soft belly.
"So?" he inquired, "we were successful? The pregnancy has passed the first month?"
"Yes, the child survives and appears to be healthy, my lord," the healer reported, "however, I have some concern as this progresses, that because of his state as a vizard type, he should also have some infusions from one of his shinigami mates."
"I told you that is not going to happen," Yutaka said firmly, "The younger mate is dead and the elder would be too combative to assist and then just leave without him. No. We will see to the stabilization as we have been."
"But if it does not continue to...?"
"Then, if the child is lost, we will try again. And the next will be fathered only by me. I don't care if this happens."
"Do you care what I think?" Renji asked quietly, because even though I only remember being with you, I don't want our baby to die."
Yutaka moved closer and looked warmly into the redhead's golden eyes. He took Renji's hands and raised them to kiss the pale fingertips.
"I know this sounds harsh, and I understand your feelings, but you must trust me, there is only pain in remembering a life that was a lie. This is your truth. You are royalty, Abarai Renji. You were meant to bring strength back into the hollow world. You were meant to continue the power that rests in these loins. What you have lost to find this is nothing compared to the beauty of who you really are."
He turned Renji's head slightly, so that he could look into the mirror.
"You see?" he said, admiring the very pale skin decorated in lovely, golden tattoo markings, the striking eyes and pleasing, muscular form.
I always wanted to be strong, Renji remembered suddenly, reeling as a momentary flash of memory flickered in his mind.
Inwardly, he saw the image of a tall, beautiful man with lovely, pale skin and a very comely face.
He made me strong...
A second image appeared in his mind, of a slightly younger, more delicate looking man, who he somehow knew, almost always wore a beautiful smile, and carried a blue steel sword.
But there was something about him.
Was it that I killed him?
"Is something wrong?" Yutaka asked curiously.
The king becomes angry if I bring up anything or ask questions about the past. He says I must let it go...
"N-nothing," he said, lowering his head and closing his golden eyes, "I am just worried about the baby. I...know you don't care about him or her, but this is a child in my body. I have to care about that."
He remained calm and distant as the king's hand touched his face.
"Of course you do," Yutaka answered kindly, "You are a worthy mate and you will be a good parent to our offspring. Don't worry. Your determination to have this be a healthy child is a good thing. I know you will do everything possible to achieve that. Now then, you have been cooped up inside for several days, feeling ill. Why don't you go out onto the balcony and look up into the stars for a while? I always find the night sky soothing. I have to meet with the leaders of our military, but I will join you later."
Renji said nothing, but accepted a kiss on the cheek and rose. He watched silently as the king and healer left, overhearing the healer's quick, soft question.
"You don't think he will run away anymore?"
"No. He doesn't remember his life before and he is obediently letting it stay lost. Abarai Renji never belonged to the shinigamis. He was only among them because if he had been raised here, he would have been killed by them. They would kill him if he went back. He has no future with them. Come, he needs to have some quiet time to reflect."
The two left the redhead alone.
Renji took a breath and stood, waiting a moment for the instant feeling of dizziness to pass. Then, he walked to the closed balcony doors and opened them, emerging onto the balcony and breathing in the calm, cold night air. He moved slowly across the balcony. pausing at the protective rail and looking down over the moonlit sand that seemed to go on forever.
Like our love...the king had said.
But he had remembered someone else saying something like that to him before. He leaned against the edge of the balcony, rubbing his aching belly and straining to remember.
Although I don't know why I try. He took those memories and he told me so many times that they don't matter. Why can't I accept that? Why do I feel like they do matter?
Why can't I let go?
He looked down at his abdomen that showed no signs yet of his condition, and he breathed in deeply to feel the tiny knot that told him the baby was very small, but he or she was there, inside him.
His frown deepened.
He admitted that this child was also connected to them...to the others who were my lovers when I was a shinigami. The healer said that I need one of them to ensure that the baby will survive. I think I killed the one with the blue sword, but maybe...
He froze as a soft step sounded behind him, and turned, expecting to find that the king had returned. To his surprise, he found himself a short distance away from the supposedly dead younger shinigami.
"Y-you!" he gasped in surprise, stiffening.
The young man put up his hands defensively.
"Renji, I am not here to hurt you. I only need to talk to you. I need your help! Please, Renji, don't hurt me!"
At that moment, another memory struck...of him shoving a clawed hand into the young man's body and watching as he fell.
I tried to kill him!
"Renji?" Tetsuya whispered breathlessly.
"Why did you come here?" Renji demanded, loud enough to be threatening, but softly enough that the guards wouldn't come, "You have to go! Get away from here now. If the king finds you, he will kill you."
"The king?" Tetsuya breathed in a frightened voice, "It was...the hollow king who did this to you?"
"You heard me!" Renji growled warningly, "I told you to get out of here!"
"I can't!" Tetsuya said desperately, "Renji, I need your help."
"What?" the hollowfied redhead asked incredulously, "I tried to kill you, and you know that if you are found here, you will be killed by the guards or the king. Just go. Get out of here!"
"I can't do that!" Tetsuya hissed desperately, "Renji, I am with child!"
"So?" Renji snapped, "Why would that matter to me? If you're pregnant, that's even more reason to leave."
"I told you, I can't," Tetsuya insisted, "Renji, the baby is yours and mine. Because of that, only you can infuse me with stabilizing reiatsu that will keep mine in balance with the baby's. If you do not do this, the baby and I will be lost!"
"And why do you think it matters to me?" Renji demanded, "I tried to kill you, you fool!"
"I have no one else to turn to!" Tetsuya exclaimed, "I must have your help. Renji, you love our children. You would never refuse to help one of them. You can't refuse to help this one. Please, come with me and we will escape to Urahara's shop. If anyone can help us, he can."
"What kind of help do you think he'll be?" Renji snapped, "I am carrying the king's child! If I leave with you, he's only gonna hunt us down and kill us all...you, me and the babies. Do you want that?"
Tetsuya frowned in confusion.
"But...you are having his heir, Renji. He cares nothing for his own child?"
Renji sighed, unsure about why he felt like confessing so much when he barely remembered the man standing in front of him.
"He doesn't care about this one, because he said that he isn't the only father."
Tetsuya's eyes widened.
"He isn't the only father?" he repeated, "But, does that mean he let other hollows...h-hurt you?"
Before Renji could answer, footsteps sounded inside the bedroom.
"Get out of here!" Renji warned Tetsuya, sending the young man shifting swiftly into a waterform.
Renji watched in surprise as he disappeared into the shadows, but calmed himself as the king stepped out onto the balcony.
"Ah, there you are," he said softly, "How are you enjoying the stars, my love?"
Please don't attack him! Renji thought desperately, If you do, both of us will lose our kids. Stay hidden. Don't get caught.
As though he had heard, Tetsuya remained carefully concealed as the king slipped an arm around Renji and the two began to kiss. Renji closed his eyes, trying to forget the enemy who stood only a few feet away from them. He deepened his kisses, slipping his hands down to pleasure the smiling monarch. Yutaka's smile warmed and he nodded approvingly.
"Yes," he breathed, "enough stargazing. Let us go to bed..."