„Piper, please, I know you hate me right now." Alex hadn't let her arm sink, she still reached out for Piper, as if she wanted to be as close to her as possible but giving her the space she needed at the same time. Maybe she was just scared.
„I hate myself. You never should have met me." her raspy voice sounded like shredded by a grater, weak, breaking and seeing her like this made Piper sad. How had they let it come so far?
Alex's words hurt Piper and she wasn't able to keep her coldhearted front any longer.
„You regret meeting me?"
Shaking her head, Alex looked totally upset, rattled. „No. Meeting you was …. the best thing that ever happened to me. But I told you before, I'm not good for you."
Now Alex's arm sunk down slowly and Piper could feel her backening off from her on the inside, she felt that Alex was about to say a goodbye, but Piper wouldn't let her get away so easily.
„That is easy, isn't it. Just say you're not good and so you'll never have to change."
Piper angrily whiped away the blood from her lip using her bandaged hand and the red stripe on the white tissue was shining absurdily bright.
„Pipes, your hand." Alex sounded shocked, as if she hadn't realised that Piper was hurt until now.
„Yeah, tell your sister a big thank you. Always wanted to know what it's like to break a bone." The sarcasm in her voice was one of her new gadgets against being vulnerable, a thing she had learned from Alex. She felt like she had gotten colder and maybe Alex was right, maybe she just wasn't a good person. But what had Rory said, it's not always easy being brave enough to be a good person, or something like that?
„I am so so sorry Pipes, so sorry that she did this." The tears on Alex's perfect and unscathed face were making it hard for Piper to stopp feeling harmed, like they had suffered really deep damage, maybe an unrepearable one.
„Yeah and you did nothing."
Alex sunk to her knees at Piper's words, she had to hold herself at the counter to not fall on the floor completely, she sat there on, kneeling, holding onto the counter as onto the mere life. Her body was shaking from sobbing and Piper just stood there, watching her girlfriend melt down.
This relationship was toxic to both of them and to be honest, they had known that for a long time.
Piper felt like walking to her, wrapping her arms around her and make it stopp. Make the pain stopp, make the crying stopp. She felt so distant from this situation, felt paralyzed, like she was just a spectator to a very bad movie or a bad dream. She saw the pain in Alex, yet she was unable to do anything about it.
„I just want you to be happy." Alex whispered between two sobs, she was clearly trying to get her shit together, but then she sank on the floor, leaning her back against the counter, looking up to Piper, her eyeliner smeared all over her face.
„You just don't want to have to be the person who makes me happy, right?"
Piper felt like watching herself from a distance, who was this cold, tranquil person, standing there?
„Piper!" Alex sobbed, desperate. „What should I do?"
„For example save me from getting beaten bloody?" The blonde crossed her arms in front of her chest, she still felt barely anything. And Alex stared at her with her green, teary eyes.
„I wanted to. I really wanted to but I couldn't, I couldn't move." her voice was full of pain, full of hate and selfloath.
„I was like, I don't know … I was like paralyzed and when I finally realised what was happening, this fucker was already there beating Nicky directly in the face."
„Don't call him a fucker. He is a better person than you are." Piper spat out, disgusted of all these excuses and self-righteousness.
„I know." Alex whispered, not at all self-righteous. „Tell him thanks for stopping Nicky. I wish I had punched her in the face, just this one time."
Piper actually had to smile a little at these words, just because she also wished that Alex had punched her sister in the face, punched her hard, punched her bloody. But on the other hand, she just wanted that after all Alex was brave enough to stand up against Nichols always, not only when someone was been beaten up. She wanted Alex to be brave enough to stand also up for herself and for her. She didn't know if she could be with someone who was so chicken, she needed someone strong.
„Yeah, I wish that too." She stated the honest and obvious.
Alex tried a smile back, but it was weak and not really convincing and she gave up on the attempt immediately. She had stopped sobbing but the tears were still silently rolling down her face, while she sat on sunken down on the floor.
„She is still my sister, you know. Even though I hate her right now, I still love her."
„What about me?" Piper couldn't stopp herself, the question was out before she was even able to think about it. She was afraid of the answer, afraid of not getting an answer.
And Alex kept staring at her, biting her lip until it was bloody like Piper's. She sighed and whiped away the blood from her lip, staring at the red liquid and then looking back at Piper's bandaged bloodstained hand.
„Can I bring you to the hospital please?" Alex asked and Piper just shook her head.
„Rory's gonna take care of that." She wanted to piss Alex off, mad that she wouldn't say what she wanted her to say, she wanted to hurt Alex.
„Oh right." Alex stated, scraping off the black lacquer of her index finger, the tears had not stopped running and she looked like a shot animal sitting there on the floor, looking at Piper as if she was begging for mercy.
But then she pulled herself together, perceptible. She pulled herself up at the counter, standing up from the floor and whiping away the tears. She let all air out of her lungs.
„Sorry" she said, her voice frantically steady. „Sorry, for the meltdown, I know I have no right to after today."
But Piper didn't care, she didn't think Alex had no right to meltdown because she knew how hard it was watching someone you love be in pain, so there was just one question that it all came down to and she knew she had to aks it.
„Do you love me?" she asked, making herself vulnerable again.
„Piper..." Alex started talking, but she didn't finish what she was about to say. But Piper needed to hear it, she needed an answer, she needed to hear yes or no so she could finally get closure.
„It's not that hard of a question. Yes or no?"
Alex immediately got upset, her voice that had been so weak before got louder and the tears rushed back to her eyes. „It is a hard question, you have no idea."
They stood a few metres apart from each other but it felt like the world was standing between them.
„So it's a no?"
„Piper, I'm not gonna choose between my sister and …..." Alex sighed, she clearly struggled to find the words, but what came out of her mouth then was the stupidest and most asshole thing she had ever said. „...sex."
That was enough for Piper, she had been ready to leave everything behind, she had been ready to forgive and give Alex another chance, all she needed was to know that Alex had the same feelings she did, that Alex and their relationship was worth another shot.
And for the first time Piper was the one leaving Alex behind. She exited the kitchen and she knew she didn't need to say any more to make it clear that this was the end.
„Send her away." She said while passing Rory on her way upstairs. She ran up the stairs to get away from Alex as far as possible, not because she didn't want to see her, although she was mad, it was because she was afraid that she might change her mind when Alex started begging or discussing.
She heard Alex cry downstairs but she wasn't quite sure if she really heard that through the door and hallway or if her mind was playing tricks on her. She pushed Rory's door close to stopp the noise in her ear and it worked, the crying was gone and Piper sighed, suddenly the tears were rolling down her face.
"What happened?" There he was, her knight in a shining armour, he walked up to her, laying his hands on her shoulders to soothe her. That was the final straw and the tears started now rolling down her face uncontrollably.
"I broke up with her." she sobbed, tasting the salt on her lips, feeling the wetness of her tears and suddenly she felt something else, felt the urgent need to be loved, to feel wanted. She was so hurt, felt so rejected that all she wanted was to get a little bit comfort and a little bit warmth.
So when Larry wrapped his arms around her, trying to soothe her, out of an sudden, stupid impulse, she pressed her lips on his.
She tasted the salt from her own tears on his lips and she felt nothing. There was no comfort, there was no warmth, she just felt empty and incomplete.
Larry kissed her back at first, but then he pushed her away, carefully but firm.
Piper looked at him, she couldn't read in his face like she could in Rory's or Alex's sometimes and then she tried to kiss him again, she had no idea why. He held her back, not letting her get close to him again.
„Don't do that!" he said, his voice was upset, angry even. „Don't use me as your rebound!"
Piper had never seen him this firm and angry and she was kind of surprised. Of course what she did was shitty and she already regretted pissing off the only person that hadn't been a dick to her today, but at the same time she wanted him to want her, so bad.
„But I thought you liked me?" she whispered, she had been rejected twice now today and her confidence was drowning in the ocean of sorrow in her heart.
„Yeah, but you obviously don't like me. Otherwise you wouldn't have tried to kiss me five seconds after breaking up with your girlfriend." He grabbed his jacket off the floor. „I don't know what the fuck is wrong with the two of you and I really don't want to get dragged into this mess. I thought I was here to help you, I thought you needed me because you have been beaten up and things are going bad for you, but now you're a couple with the sister of your bully who is no inch better than her sister. You take advantage of me to punish her or whatever?! Seriously Piper, I really like you but this is way too fucked up for me. Sorry"
He threw her a last angry look and then left the room without looking back. What had she done? How could she have been so stupid and such an asshole. The tears were still running down her face as she let herself fall onto the bed.
As she lay there on this unknown bed, staring at the white ceiling that looked just like her's; the loneliness hit her like a truck, she hadn't felt this alone ever since she met Alex and only now she realised, even though Alex had let bad things happen to her and she was an asshole for doing this, how much better her life had been with Alex around. She had been a happier person, a stronger one, she had laughed so much in these past couple of weeks that all her problems had seemed to resolve themselves slowly.
She had faced her mother and their relationship had started to grow healthier, she was sure she would have never accomplished that if she hadn't met Alex, who had boosted her confidence to no end.
For a second she started regretting what she had done, she felt bad for letting Alex cry and do nothing about it and she already missed her like she had lost a leg.
But as long as Alex wasn't able to face her sister, to put the monster she had helped creating in her place and to free herself from her manipulative regime, then how could she even try being with her, how could she put herself at risk for Alex, and if she didn't love Piper, then it wasn't even worth trying, was it?
I know I had been gone for a while now and I wanted to explain why. I've been reading all of your reviews to the last two chapters and I reread my whole story and took all of your comments in consideration and I realized some of them were very true and I also realized, answering your comments, trying to defend myself hadn't done any favor to anyone.
I feel like I have let myself get way too much influenced by some comments lately (and therefore sometimes felt the need to defend myself or some characters, which gave off a wrong impression of my intentions). But I don't want to lose track of my story or of my intentions behind it so I decided to finish the last chapters completely like I had planned them right from the beginning and will now upload them one after the other over the next two weeks probably.
That does not mean I don't appreciate your comments, not at all, they really help me learn but I feel I have to trust myself more again right now and I really hope you will do too.
Lots of love XXX