Alex's calls had gotten less and less over the week. Piper hadn't answered a single one of them, she was way too afraid that she might give in once she heard that voice she had fallen in love with about two months ago and whenever she saw the number on the screen the tear in her heart cracked open again and not seeing it there was bad as well.
Was Alex even missing her? Was she still thinking of her even when she was not calling?
Piper missed her like crazy and she felt like there was nothing that could heal her pain. She had never ever felt this lonely in her life, now she was all on her own.
She had hidden herself in her room, had crawled under her blanket, had stopped eating, had stopped doing homework or going to school, she didn't even take the painkillers the doctor had given her. The pulsating pain in her hand was the only thing that made her feel alive. Other than that she felt like she was dead already, or at least she wanted to be.
Wanted to die here in her bed so that she didn't have to feel this anymore.
She didn't want to see anybody. She had secluded herself from her new relationship with her mum, had not told her why she looked the way she did, even though her mother kept asking, kept worrying, she just had stopped talking.
There was nobody on this earth who could possibly understand her pain, that was what sure about.
Who could have understood how much she missed that one person that had treated her in the best and in the worst way she had ever been treated in her life.
Alex had carried her on her hands and had watched her beeing kicked with feet and all Piper felt was the need to crawl back into the time when there were only she and Alex in a dusty old room, sharing a sofa, sharing kisses, ignoring the rest of the world.
Whenever she closed her eyes, she could see it, could see Alex's warm eyes looking at her, full of affection and so she refused to open her eyes more often than absolutely necessary. Alex could as well have died, her pain couldn't have been deeper.
If she had been able to made her heart stopp loving the raven haired girl, she would have without even hesitating, but she couldn't, she still loved her so incredibly much.
Missing Alex did not only hurt in her heart, she could feel the pain physically and she felt like her body was betraying her, punishing her for falling in love with the wrong person.
She refused to talk to Polly, knowing that Polly had hated Alex all along. She refused to see Rory, she didn't want to admit, but deep down she was blaming Rory for pushing her, for taking Alex's side over her's, something she still didn't quite understand.
On the other hand, it was not Rory's fault that Alex didn't love her.
But still, she didn't know who to trust, there was nobody who could have helped to stopp the pain, nobody but Alex. Alex who came around telling her she loved her, telling her that she had finally stood up to Nicky and promised to protect her. But she didn't know if this Alex was even existant or if she had only been in love with a picture of Alex that she had wanted to see, a picture that was only existant in her head.
Whenever she felt like her eyes could not find the water anymore to cry another single tear, the salty oceans started streaming down her face again, unstoppable and she already feared that they would never stop.
It was Friday already and she hadn't taken a single shower since she had crawled into her bed on Monday. She had not said a single word since Wednesday and she felt like the hole in her was growing bigger and bigger so that it would probably absorb her completely eventually, until she was not there anymore, and maybe, just maybe the pain would stop then.
On Saturday she realized that the hole was not gonna vanish her and so she finally put her strength together and moved her agonised body from the bed into the shower, the cast around her hand wrapped in a plastic bag, letting the water run down her face, mutening the world.
She had her eyes open, looking through the steady stream of water that mingled with her tears and it seemed like the layer of liquid was keeping her apart from everything around her, like a bubble keeping her safe but never letting her out.
Her legs were not able to hold her upright any longer and so she sat down on the cold, porcelain floor of the shower, wrapping her arms around her knees, staring into the nothing.
She had no clue how long she had been sitting there, but her skin had gotten cold where the water was not touching her and she was shivering, her lips blue, goosebumps all over. She knew she should have gotten out and put some clothes on.
But what for?
She couldn't find the power and will to move, to stand up and do something else than wallow in her pain.
There were a hundred books out there writing about lovesickness, a hundred actors had played this in their movies but none of those had ever come close to what Piper was feeling right now. She would never be happy again, never laugh again, never love again.
Promising herself to never fall in love again for the rest of her life, she finally managed to get back into her bed. But she didn't get to stay there very long until her mother came in.
There was a time when Piper had wished that her mother would be as concerned about her as she was now. But in this second Piper just wished she would leave her alone.
Carol didn't leave her.
Piper had not only neglected her work for school but also her chores at home and Carol had been given her the time she had needed but now she forced her daughter to get dressed.
There was a lot to do around the house and in the garden and Carol didn't allow Piper to lay in her bed any longer.
The blonde could not believe how her mother could possibly think that she would still care for any of her responsibilities while she just felt like fallen apart, but she was too weak to fight her, too weak to fight with anybody anymore. She had lost Alex, had aleniated Larry and she could not stand getting into a fight with her mother as well.
They went into the garden and Piper found it absurd to work in that dirty environment when her mother normally had a gardener take care of that, she didn't understand why she suddenly had to do this, especially since she only had one hand to work with. But at least her mother was helping her, they worked next to each other in silence while Cal was trying to be a helping hand, but also he was pretty quiet. And feeling the cold earth beneath her fingers, breathing in the fresh, cold air, smelling the roses they were surrounded by actually made her feel herself again for that moment.
The past days had passed slowly, every second taking what felt like hours while the wavy grain of her bedpost had become blurry in front of her eyes.
But being around her family, doing something else than staring, let the time pass so fast, she had almost forgotten that time was relative. Two hours later her back hurt from kneeling, her hand was freezing and cramping from pulling weeds out of the ground but she had spent two hours without crying and her heart felt a little bit lighter inside her chest.
Cal's stomach had been the first to start grumbleing, soon Carol's and Piper's followed his lead and when her mum brought them sandwiches into the garden, Piper actually managed to eat a few bites.
After Cal had went inside for playing, Piper and her mother stayed sitting on the perfectly mowed meadow and Piper looked at her mother, who she hadn't seen sitting on her bottom on the floor ever since she could remember.
„Have you fired the gardener?" she asked, it was the first words she had spoken in days and her voice sounded a bit raw from keeping still.
„No." Carol answered, outstretching her arm to stroke Piper over her blonde hair in a motherly gesture. And her tenderness was like medicine to Piper's sore soul.
„Grandma always made me do gardening when I was being depressive and lovesick , so I thought maybe it would work on you too." Carol smiled at her warmly and Piper closed her eyes, taking in the feeling of being loved that she had needed so desperately. Her mum was a better mother than Piper had thought, at least she was becoming so.
„Thanks, mum." Piper whispered, feeling the gras with her fingertips.
„Do you want to tell me what happened?" There was no pressure in her voice, though Piper was sure that it was hard for her to restrain herself from prying why she and Alex had split up; that was all she knew. Piper had not told her anything about the circumstances and she had lied about her injuries, but her mother had already figured that Alex was a topic that was off the table.
The blonde shook her head, she could not talk about it, even thinking about what had happened was too painful.
Carol pecked Piper a kiss on the forehead. „But you know you can tell me when you are ready right?"
Piper nodded and that evening when she was lying in her bed, staring into the dark, waiting for sleep to come and take away the sorrow for a few hours, she didn't feel as empty and hopeless as she had felt ever since her breakup with Alex.
It was barely ten on sunday when the doorbell rang and Piper's heart sunk under the mattress, hiding itself in pain. She had blocked Alex's number yesterday before going to bed, knowing that if she wanted to get closure eventually she had to stopp being reminded of Alex all the time. And she still feared she might give in to Alex's calls and then she would get dragged back into this mess all from the start again. Now when there was suddenly someone standing in front of the door on a sunday morning, panic came up her throath, tasting like gall.
And when her mother called her name Piper was sure she had to face Alex again, had to look in her eyes and the disappoinment would tear her apart again. But who entered her room after a carful knocking was not the raven haired, it were Polly and Rory who stood there like beaten dogs. Piper grunted, even if she felt a little bit better than the past days, she didn't want to see anybody, especially not Rory. She didn't need another 'cut her some slack' speach. She wished Larry would come by instead, she wished she hadn't screwed up with him.
"What do you want?" she grunted, and turned them her back. She felt somebody fall down on her mattress and from the weight she guessed it was her best friend.
"Pipes. You really have to get out of bed, I can't watch you throw your life away for that bitch." It definitely was Polly who was sitting behind her, crawling her fingers through Piper's hair because she knew Piper liked that, nobody knew her like Polly did and Piper had not even noticed how much she had missed her.
The tears started rolling once again and when she felt Polly wrap her arms around her she turned to face her best friend, hugging her back and she let the tears flow.
"Gosh if I ever see her I rip her nostrils off with my fingernails." Pol whispered into Piper's ear and the blonde was glad that Rory didn't hear it and come to Alex's defense. Polly made Piper smile a little and after a little time she calmed down again and felt a little bit better. She should have called Polly right from the start.
Rory stood there, leaning against the door and looked like she didn't belong here. It made Piper feel sorry even though she still felt annoyed. She patted the matress and Rory looked relieved and grateful while walking around to sit next to them. After Polly, who hadn't known everything yet, was informed about everything that happened Piper felt even shittier for trying to kiss Larry and Polly's scolding look didn't help to clear her conscience.
"Wanna hear my opinion?" Polly asked, while holding Piper's hand and looked at her, there was no pity iIn her eyes and Piper was grateful for that. The blonde nodded, even though she was half scared of Polly's answer.
"I think you should apologize to him. You've been really unfair and even if he doesn't want to ever be have something to do with you again, he deserves an apology. He saved you and he was there for you."
Piper sighed, she knew Polly was right but she was so scared of Larry's reaction, his words had really hurt her even though they were true, or maybe exactly because of that.
"You're right." she whispered, grabbing for her phone. If she was doing this then she should better do it now before her fear could make her change her mind.
But Rory held her back on her wrist. "Don't you think it'd be more important to reach out to Alex right now than to him?" she whispered, probably knowing that she wasn't about to receive the happiest reaction.
"Why should she? She is better off without that bitch." Polly's voice got loud immediately and Piper felt the tension tighten.
"But she loves her and Alex is not..."
Now Piper had to stopp her, sensing that she was about to explode.
"Stopp! Don't start again." she knew it herself, she knew that Alex was not a monster, she knew Alex had suffered in her life but she also knew getting back with her would only cause her to never change and then one day she would have enabled Alex to be that person who knew no right and wrong, just like Alex was doing with Nicky. Plus Rory's steady pushing kept ripping her wounds open every time.
"I'm sorry but I still think you were too harsh. You should cut her some slack." Now Piper, who had already moved towards the door with her phone in hand whirled around, all her pain and frustration exploding in that second.
"No! All you want is to make yourself feel better about being an asshole girlfriend." she screamed, shocked by her own intensity "You're only defending her because you know deep down you're the same coward she is! And if I could forgive Alex then maybe there is absolution for you too. But you know what, fuck yourself!" She rushed out her room, leaving behind a shocked and offended Rory and kicked the door shut behind her.
Piper felt bad immediately, she had been way harsher than she had intended to be and her accusations had not been completely fair, but she was so damn angry and she knew she was not completely wrong. And right now she had to make up for her old mistakes and so she breathed out deeply before clicking on Larry's name in her address book. She feared he had blocked her or would ignore her but he picked up after the second ring and his voice sounded so concerned that Piper could have hugged him for still caring after she had used him so bad.
"Piper?"
"Hey..." They both were silent for a moment until Piper found her voice.
"I... I've been an asshole." She waited, but when he didn't object, she went on. "Look I know what I've done was unforgiveable and I could hit myself for it. I am deeply sorry."
She heard Larry sigh over the phone and she wished she could see his face.
"Thanks." He said, short but Piper knew it was honest.
"I might not have the same feelings that you have, but you have been one of the best things in my life lately. And I could really use a friend, so if you could give me a second chance maybe I can make it up to you."
"Friends?" Larry repeated and his voice was not revealing his thoughts.
"Friends." Piper answered, hoping she hadn't screwed up once again. Larry didn't say anything and the blonde already thought he had hung up when he started talking again.
"I think I could use a friend, too."
Piper started crying again but this time it was gratefulness that brought the tears to her eyes.
"See you in school tomorrow?" He asked and she answered with a "Yeah." before he hung up and she stould there in the hallway feeling like at least something had turned out okay.
"Piper?" Rory's voice was silent and shy as she came out of Piper's room carefully, closing the door again. Piper felt her conscience weigh down on her and as she was in the process of apologizing already she just went on with it.
"I'm sorry, Ror. I shouldn't have said that."
"No." Rory said, staring on the floor between them, her face red "I should apologize to you. You... you were right, at least part time... Seeing you so hurt and mad at your girlfr... sorry.. your ex, made me feel shitty about myself and I … I wanted to make myself feel better about how I handle things with Elliott... Because if she can be forgiven, then maybe I am not so bad either... But that's not all." her face took an even darker shade of red, if that was even possible.
"Maybe deep down I thought that if you had a girlfriend then I wouldn't have to ask myself if Elliott is the only reason you and me..." she didn't finish her sentence, looking at Piper's reaction full of fear but Piper didn't react at all she had no idea what to say.
"I am so sorry, I know it was fucked up and I promise you I won't drag you into my mess again. Maybe if you could give me a second chance, then we could start over?" Piper could feel the pain and selfloath in Rory's words and she knew she had been on the other end of this conversation only minutes ago, begging someone for forgiveness. She had been forgiven.
"As friends?" she asked, to make sure that there were no more misconceptions and fights and drama waiting on her doormat.
"As friends." Rory answered, obviously relieved. And Piper felt like she had lost her love but maybe she had won two friends and maybe she could get happy again, eventually.
Reading all your comments I'm amazed by how involved you are in the story and the characters.
I never thought that what was suppossed to be my little story would cause so many emotions and I feel really blessed (also a little terrified and under pressure ;)))
I hope in the end I will be able to satisfy you but I wanna say thank you already for all your support, for your help and for your opinions. XXX
(There will be two more chapters after this one and like I said before I'm considering publishing a few chapters from Alex's POV/childhood scenes etc.)