Today has been such a long day! I was so exhausted! I was going to update tomorrow, but it was ready to be posted. So this is a special gift for my Tsu-chan, who was in the hospital today ;w; Although...maybe this chapter won't make her feel much better x'D

You're going to be ok.

How could they tell him that? Even if he didn't die on the table, which Shinra had explained would most likely not happen, he felt like he was dead already.

You won't feel a thing.

So why was there a constant ache in his chest? A lingering burn where his heart sat?

Everything will be better from this point on.

He honestly doubted that.

Shizuo sat in his hospital bed, staring out the window at the dark storm clouds that had formed over head. Small drops of water had already started to fall, lighting sprinkling against the window. It was a gloomy sign that made Shizuo's heart drop.

He was on edge. When he had first heard that he would need surgery, he practically walked up and out of the hospital. Like hell he needed some guy cutting into him. Besides, a scalpel was no different from a switch blade, and right now he couldn't handle one being so close to him. The memories cut deeper than the blade ever could.

But Shinra had explained that without the surgery, the damaged section of his lung could get worse, and eventually cause a chain reaction which could lead to cancer. It was best to surgically remove it.

"Besides, they don't open up your chest! They just cut on the side, maybe remove a rib to give them better access, and cut a small wedge out of your lung. It's nothing too major! You can even keep the lung in a jar if you want!" Shinra had said almost a bit too eagerly. Shizuo nearly pulled Shinra into a choke hold and told him to stuff it. The only thing that stopped him was the respirator and the heart monitor he was attached to.

It took a long time to convince Shizuo to go through with it. It was eventually Kasuka, who had flown back to Ikebukuro to visit Shizuo, who convinced him to get the surgery. How could he deny his own brother?

The next day, he woke up with a sick knot in his stomach. He was already dreading the day. Although he knew he'd come out of this alright…there was a part of him that was still scared. To think, with all of his history dealing with hospitals, he thought he'd be able to handle a small surgery.

Maybe it was just because it was on his lungs. His chest. It was close to his heart - the thing keeping him alive.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. Breathing was easier with the small ventilator pumping air into his lungs. Shinra had said that when the surgery was over, he'd have more trouble breathing. He had to get used to the idea of being stuck in the hospital for a few weeks with tubes attached to him.

He guessed it was better than dying. But only by a little bit.

A soft knock at the door shook him from his thoughts. He saw Celty standing in the doorway, waving quietly at him. He smiled, waving back. "Hey."

She walked over, resting a cool hand against his arm. She rubbed it gently to soothe him as she stood over him. He vaguely thought she looked like a grim reaper with the way her dark form hovered over him in the dim lighting of the room. Just another bad omen to make him worry.

They remained silent, not needing to share any words to know what the other was thinking. He sighed, leaning back into the stiff pillows, "You think they can fix my heart while they're in there messing with my lungs?"

[What? There's nothing wrong with your heart.]

"Maybe not physically…" he murmured sadly. Celty moved to sit down on the side of the bed gingerly, running a hand through his hair. He leaned into the touch, closing his eyes wearily. She didn't bother writing to him, she knew he could understand her concern.

"I…" Shizuo paused, unsure what to say. He…he wanted to confide in her. To let her know how he really felt…"I had never felt this strong about someone before." Her hand shifted to cup Shizuo's face, her thumb rubbing his cheek; quietly letting him know that he could say whatever he wanted without fear.

"Izaya had always been the one person that wasn't afraid of me. I could let myself be normal around him. I didn't have to hold back. Even in high school…and growing up…I felt so much anger towards him. But it was still passionate and unafraid and unabashed. And now…it's changed so much and it felt…it feels so much better."

He paused, noticing his hands shaking. He was so nervous, and he felt so weak. He was scared of coming to terms with his emotions. The same emotions that had evolved from hatred to passion…they caused his head to spin and his heart to ache. He was afraid of admitting that the feelings he had for Izaya were gone and replaced with another.

Celty moved her hand from his cheek, and tightly held onto his own hand. She squeezed lightly, giving him strength in the only way she knew how. He looked up at her, trying to read the emotion in the shadows that flickered along the wall.

He was already too late to act out on his evolving emotions. He had missed his chance. So…why not just accept them for what they were?

"I love him…" he whispered, staring at the hand that held his tightly. "I think I actually love him."

And he never loved me back.

"Shizuo Heiwajima?"

Shizuo looked up to see his surgeon walk in. He was a colleague of Shinra's - someone who actually had a degree and knew what he was doing. Although he trusted Shinra to take care of him, he didn't trust him enough to not do extra on him while he was under. So he'd asked for a surgeon who would get the job done as fast as possible.

"Yes?"

"It's time for your operation." His surgeon moved out, allowing two nurses to walk in with a gurney to take Shizuo to the ER. Shizuo nodded, body shaking - from withdrawals or nerves, he wasn't sure - as Celty helped him lay down on the gurney. Celty gave him one last squeeze before the nurses wheeled him out silently.

He'll come around, she had thought. If she could have smiled warmly and comfortingly, she would have. But Shizuo understood the message, and smiled back at her as bravely as he could.

As they wheeled him out of his room and into the ER, he caught sight of his friends in the hall. Kadota, Saburo, Erika, Walker, Shinra, Celty, Kasuka, even Mairu and Kururi were there. They all smiled at him and cheered him on. They were there to support him when he came out. Shizuo felt his heart warm up at the sight.

They passed through the doors, and they proceeded to tie a gasmask over his mouth and nose while injecting him with drugs to put him under. They had to nearly triple the dose for the effects to start, but soon the grip of unconsciousness started to overtake him. One of the nurses told him that he'd be ok and there was nothing to be afraid of; that he'd get out of this without a hitch.

That's what they all kept on saying.

He hoped they were right.