Izaya found himself standing outside of Shizuo's window, staring up at it silently. It had been three days since Shizuo's surgery. Three days since that light turned on and Izaya felt a heavy weight lifted off his chest, just to have a different feeling unloaded upon him.

The only way for this sensation of discomfort to go away was to face the problem at hand, but for once Izaya didn't feel prepared to take on that challenge. It took him a good hour to move from his place on the sidewalk into the hospital's main lobby.

He took a deep breath, soaking in the antiseptic and disinfectant odor that lingered on every surface. It made him sick to his stomach. How could the brute handle something like this all the time?

With a sigh, the raven glanced at the clock. Even though he had wasted so much time, he was still a half hour early for visiting hours. Of course, he was never planning on obeying that rule. He wanted to be there long before anyone else arrived. He hoped the extra half hour was enough.

He pulled his jacket closer to him, walking past the front desk easily. He nodded to the secretary, who waved back and went back to work. Although when he was out of her line of sight, she glanced back up with slight confusion. She hadn't seen that doctor here before…

Izaya stepped into the empty elevator, taking it up to the third floor where Shizuo was staying. Or at least, that's the room the hospital files he had hacked into the night before had said. If he hadn't suddenly moved that morning, he should still be there.

He stepped out, noticing slightly confused glances aimed in his direction. Of course they would be slightly confused. After all, there wasn't a doctor that looked like him working in this hospital. But he wore an official badge and coat - although it was slightly uncomfortable, how Shinra managed to wear them so often he'd never know - and easily made his way to Shizuo's room without any complaints.

Izaya peeked inside, seeing Shizuo sleeping soundly in his bed. He couldn't stand the tension inside of himself; part of him yelling to thrust his blade into his chest and end him…and the other half begging him to fix things.

He sighed, stepping inside and walking toward the side of the bed. He slipped out of the doctor's coat, draping it over a chair before sitting down in it. He crossed his legs and leaned back, watching as Shizuo slept - completely unaware of Izaya's presence.

"So, Shizu-chan…it's been a while."

He fell silent, unsure of what to say. He could easily wake Shizuo up - tease him, poke fun, maybe tug on his IV just to get under his skin. But what good would that do? Nothing. Yet, what would talking to a sleeping man do?

Maybe it's just what Izaya needed.

"I'm gonna sound ridiculous, talking to a person who's practically in a coma and not coming out anytime soon. However, I guess it's for the better. I can just…ramble and not have to worry about you throwing the ventilator at me." Izaya grumbled as he rested his chin on his palm.

"I really don't know where to start. Celty said to fix this. The twins had been texting me constantly while I was away - Oh, no I won't reveal where I was. Half the fun is the mystery, am I right? No. Well, you never agree with me anyways."

"Mm…I guess I might as well answer that silly question you wanted to know way back when we were still not getting along. That work I was doing for Shiki. It was some stupid drug that was meant to heal many illnesses. At the time, I wasn't eager to find information on it. But over time I guess I wanted it to be real, so you could take it and just get better."

"Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have to care for you? It's like taking care of an overgrown baby with strength and anger issues. And then you had to start acting so damn unpredictable and…" he sighed, recollecting his thoughts.

"You no longer became a hassle. You became a priority. I was no longer helping you simply for a paycheck from Shinra. I started paying for your medication because I…I honestly wanted you to get better. I didn't want the only player that actually mattered in this cruel game to die. Without you, there was no challenge. No risk. I couldn't possibly let that get away from me thanks to a grim reaper or shinigami, right? Of course you agree with me, because you know I'm right."

"And I guess…I guess in the end, we did become something like friends. We started taking care of each other more. Protected each other if possible. Strange, isn't it? How a turn of events can make sworn enemies because partners, and eventually friends. And maybe…"

He shook his head, running a hand through his hair, "Shit. There really isn't a way for me to get around this topic, is there?"

Shizuo's calm expression was Izaya's only answer.

The informant groaned, rubbing his temples. "I guess…I guess I didn't want you to die…in the end. I mean, here I am, right? And…well, if I really wanted you to die, I would have broken your heart much worse than I did. I had the potential too…I made it easy for you. Left. Gave you space. If I really wanted you to suffer until your kicked the bucket I would have made sure to have constant reminders in your life. Of course, knowing you, you probably were reminded of me just from looking at your kitchen knives. You're so stupid, you know that?"

Izaya didn't want to admit that every time he saw a cigarette or a stop sign he thought of the blonde. Every trash can and fridge made him remember.

"I was…scared." He whispered, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and lay his head in his hands. "For some reason, this was scarier than when we were trapped in that elevator. I was facing a new phobia I didn't realize I had developed. When I first saw the rumors that you were in the hospital, I didn't want to believe them...but I knew they were true. Because deep down, I had planned on you smoking again. But I hadn't planned on this outcome. It was…another unpredictable thing you did to me that made me have to change my game plan. And dammit, this is where you put me."

He glared at Shizuo's sleeping expression, gritting his teeth, "You want a God damn apology, don't you?"

Shizuo didn't flinch.

"Fine!" Izaya exclaimed, standing out of his seat and throwing his hands into the air, "You want my answer? Fine! I'm sorry! Are you happy, you good for nothing protozoan? I am sorry I twisted your too-good heart until you broke. I'm sorry for getting you in this damned place they call a hospital when it's just a hell hole painted white! Truth is, life isn't fun without you to catch me off guard! What good would I have in this city without you telling me to get out? What rules could I break? Who could I annoy? Who could I…"

His hands were trembling, and his voice broke off at the wrong time. He stared at the floor, trying to get a hold of himself. "You want to hear the truth? Here it is." He said in a hushed whisper. He made sure to repeat everything he said the day he left…but made sure he would tell the truth this time. He wouldn't hide under a mask. Not now…

"If I thought I loved you before…then I truly know what it is to love you now." He felt his entire being quivering. Honesty wasn't his strongest trait. This was the hardest thing for him to admit, not only to Shizuo, but to himself. "I adore the way you look at me. The way you touch me makes me feel alive. You make my heart beat faster. I want you to be a part of my life…Because I…I think I…"

Izaya trailed off, unable to say another word. His eyes burned, his throat was tight, and he felt butterflies in his stomach. But…he had to get it out. He had to just…let go…

"….I love you."