Author's note: This story is based on the Undertale AU, SecuriTale created by the very talented tekitourabbit her amazing work can be found here: tekitourabbit* deviantart* com / (replace the asterisks with periods and remove the spaces.)

Undertale and related characters belong to the amazing Toby Fox

One thing about me: I unequivocally love puns, if my lovely readers have not yet noticed.

Two things about this AU:

First, Papyrus and Sans are age swapped (Papyrus is the elder.)

Second, Sans has more than one HP, more on that later; for now enjoy.

Chapter song: Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol

Chapter 4

Somewhere in the multiverse someone thought about:

"... why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings."The Walrus and the Carpenter, Lewis Carroll

Papyrus was constantly on the phone, focusing his attention between shooing away curious human civil servants, who had thankfully thrown up a press barrier, and his conversations. Papyrus' tones were low and serious and his level of concentration was high. He kept tabs on his brother's com, despite the fact that most of what he heard was language better suited to a shipyard than a professional, military security detail.

"Papyrus," said a gruff female voice behind him, "you narcissistic weirdo. The Hammer of Justice relayed your need for some Pie and The Kettle." The second in command abruptly ended his phone call at the sound.

"OH DIRECTOR THANK GOD YOU HAVE ARRIVED, WHERE IS ALPHYS," Papyrus snorted Alphys' name, as if he were trying to get rid of a bad taste in his mouth.

"The Pie is here, but The Kettle is going to take a while to heat up, so to so to speak," Undyne frowned sharply, "what's eating you and where the hell's The Clown?" Frowning, Papyrus raised his hand indicating the dark interior of the culvert.

"THIS SITUATION IS EATING ME, THAT AND THE FACT THAT WE HAVE TO RELY ON HER."

"Damnit Papy," the director spat, shaking her head,"she is trying to atone for her sins, hell we all are. Anyways, doesn't Sans know better than to jump the spear like this?" Papyrus was mentally kicking himself, he really did need to be more on top of his junior. He let Sans get away with things he would never allow in another subordinate, because unlike all the others Sans was his little brother.

"SHE HAD A FIVE MINUTE HEAD START ON US DIRECTOR. IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE, JUST A FACT. SANS IS OVERDOING IT AGAIN AND… AND... I SHOULD HAVE REQUESTED ANOTHER AGENT." Papyrus hung his head in shame.

"It's alright Ego," she patted his shoulder none too gently, "we all know he's your brother and ya know you are lucky to have a brother to watch your back. Let me get him on the horn, what channel are you two on today," Undyne asked and shook her walkie.

"CHANNEL FORTY-TWO."

"Fuhuhu, I should've known. Papy, that Clown sure loves his sci-fi and comedy." She switched frequencies on her device and was greeted by static and a squawk followed by swearing.

"Hello to you too, sunshine. You wanna let me know what the hell happened?" Sans sighed on the other end of the line and coughed.

"...ya know undyne, it smells like shit in here, and i was having such a nice day. where's the kettle?"

"She's coming bonehead, now quit your clowning and fill me in. The Hammer said you were in the sticky, so tell me what happened." Undyne spat on the ground itching for a fight, but this situation called for words not action. Sans coughed again and there was another blare of static.

"...damn, well she'd better hurry we're gonna need her, the kid's phone is outa commission," static.

"...have a feeling," more static.

"...something there. i know you are gonna be pissed," again static.

"...'bout five minutes on me, and i can't jump in here. hells i can't even stand up." There was another blare of static followed by a couple of bangs then more static.

"Oh man, the signal is breaking up on us, you know what this means." Undyne spat again.

"JERRY… ugh."

"Yeah freaking Jerry, for the love of... dang," she took a moment to switch channels and then spoke again.

"Pie to Kettle, come in Kettle over, talk to me babe."

"T-this is the K-Kettle, we are about two minutes out. W-what did you need," Alphys answered sounding more nervous than ever, it was no surprise given the loud noise accompanying her voice.

"Jerry is, unfortunately, who I need; and The Clown says you better have that sweet ass laptop of yours, because we are going to need to crack the Punk's phone." Undyne rubbed at the edge of her eyepatch, in irritation.

"W-well, l-luk-fortunately for you I have it, Jerry and the whole Canine Unit with me." The sound of a helicopter grew closer and the entire Canine Unit rappelled to the ground, Dogaressa carrying Alphys on her back and a very disgusted looking Doggo sporting a clinging Jerry. Undyne switched her radio back to channel forty-two and tried raising Sans once more.

"Bones, you there dammit? I need confirmation. Do you see the target, Clown this is no time for jokes, over." Her only answer was static.

"Oh God are we outside, again? Will my nightmare never end. Put me down doggo!" Doggo tried to put Jerry on the ground, but it was a futile attempt. He would get one of Jerry's 'arms' loose only to have the other cling to his fur.

"By the treats Jerry, I am trying to put you down. Uggh, get your tentacle outta my ear!" The rest of the Unit was snickering as Jerry sneezed on Doggo. Growling, Doggo finally was able to shake Jerry loose and Jerry fell on the ground in a heap of… Jerry and equipment.

"That is not a tentacle, duh! that's my arm. twerp!"

"Uggh, whatever, Jerry," Doggo grunted

"Oh for the love of… will you grunts stop screwing around. We are a professional, elite military unit, and I will not stand for this… this numbskullery." Undyne's comment was met with quiet snickers, albeit from monsters with ramrod straight spines standing at attention. Their air of mirth was shattered when static crackled on Undyne's radio and the sound of Sans' voice loud and haunting brought them to silence.

"...frisk, LAST WARNING," there was a sizzling sound like meat cooking, another popping of static and then silence. Undyne brought the walkie to her face.

"Clown, Clown... Sans... say again Sans. Agent Bones, dammit agent you'd better answer me!" Undyne snarled in frustration, then began to shout orders.

"Jerry, get the comms back up, channel forty-two; Alphys, you and Papy get to work on the Punk's phone. Commander you and the Canine Unit, get the location to the end of the culvert from Papyrus, and for God's sake use your noses; if Sans sensed an inkling of trouble then I know there is. He's never wrong, and neither am I."

The Canine Unit began by sniffing the tunnel entrance. Alphys and Papyrus, in the meantime were discussing the Ambassador's phone, while Alphys pulled out a travel table and her laptop. Jerry, in typical Jerry style, flopped onto the ground working with the portable to boost the radio signal. After about five minutes, the Canine Unit got a map and directions from Papyrus then dashed off following the culvert's above ground route in a wedge formation with Doggo on point. Meanwhile Papyrus was reluctantly working heads together with Alphys to get any available data from Lady Dreemurr's phone.

"U-um Papyrus, h-have I done something to offend you," Alphys stuttered.

"NO, YOU HAVE NOT," he said brusquely. Papyrus had spent the last half-hour trying to look like he was in control, but he was in reality at a loss as to what had gone wrong. The elder skeleton brother disliked the topsy-turvy feeling that came when his day did not go as scheduled. Making mistakes was a part of life, but in Papyrus' world mistakes were to be avoided at all costs.

"You followed procedure, you did everything by the book. If Sans was tired it was more m-my fault than his. I-I made a mistake t-the other n-night, and he was k-kind enough to help me correct it."

Papyrus made an unpleasant noise in his throat.

"YOU DO THAT, DO YOU NOT? MAKE MISTAKES..." Papyrus trailed off when Undyne gave him the stink eye. Alphys did not notice Undyne watching them, and rose to his bait.

"P-Papyrus I-I… my, m-mistakes are well documented and a-a matter of record, I-I kept meticulous notes. Y-Your brother, Sans… he's trying to help me correct… A-Anyway, I'm s-so sorry he wasn't at one-hundred percent today." Papyrus made another dreadful sound, but wisely said nothing under Undyne's scrutiny.

"Have the two of you accessed the data yet," Undyne asked approaching them with a concerned look on her face, for both of her friends.

"WE HAVE GAINED ACCESS TO HER LADYSHIP'S TO DO LIST. WHICH CONTAINS A SUSPICIOUS BOLDED, ENTRY. HOWEVER, IT APPEARS SHE HAS WIPED BOTH HER EMAILS AND TEXTS FROM THE LAST TWENTY-FOUR HOURS, ONLY THOSE FROM MY BROTHER THIS AFTERNOON REMAIN."

"I-It will take time to recover the w-wiped data," Alphys offered.

"You said suspicious. Suspicious how, Papy?"

"WELL BOLD FONT FOR ONE," Papyrus cleared his throat before continuing.

"SHE NEVER BOLDS ONLY ITALICS. ALSO IT WAS NOT PART OF THE LIST WE DISCUSSED YESTERDAY. THE ADDITION SIMPLY SAID 'JUMP: LAST RIGHT BEFORE HOME.' I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT, BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE SHE JUMPED." He sounded like he was on the verge of tears, and Undyne patted him more gently than before.

"Look Papy, I'm only going to say this once more. This isn't your fault. Neither you, nor Sans did anything wrong here. In fact, if this is what I suspect it's been a long time coming," Undyne turned her head to look at the affliction that was her radio expert.

"Jerry, give me some good news." Jerry blew his nose in his hand, oblivious to social norms, then wiped it on his leg and the three friends looked elsewhere in disgust.

"Sorry Mam, I believe Agent Bones, com is fried. I'm not even getting a signal any longer."

"Shit," Undyne swore, a rare occurrence, "you know what that means. How far did you say it was to the end of this pipe, Papy?"

"IT COMES OUT EXACTLY THREE MILES FROM HERE. ODDLY, THIS IS DIRECTLY WHERE OUR LADY HEADED."

"Alphy, what about the trackers?"

"U-Undyne they are i-in the experimental s-stage, I-I haven't even done the field test, S-Sans and I w-were discussing when and how to i-implement." Undyne shook her head in frustration.

"Look Alphy, as much as I love ya I ain't got time for your nerd mumbo jumbo."

"TRACKERS, WHAT TRACKERS? MY BROTHER NEVER MENTIONED ANY TRACKERS," Papyrus' tone went from exasperation to confusion.

"P-Papyrus, I-I'm sorry t-they were in the v-vitamin injections, S-Sans made me swear not to t-tell you until t-they were online."

"UNFUCKING BELEAVEABLE!" Both Undyne and Alphys gasped and took a step back, it was not like Papyrus to swear, or even get angry.

"Woah, Papy cool it. Be calm we all know Sans has his reasons..." Papyrus interrupted Undyne's attempt to comfort him.

"NO, NO! YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY SHOULD I BE CALM? WHY THE HELL SHOULD I? OUR LADY TOOK OFF, WHEN SHE KNEW FULL MY, BROTHER, HAD LOW HP. SANS TOOK OFF AFTER HER AND ALREADY DID ONE TELEPORT, SO IF HE DOES CATCH UP TO HER HE MAY NOT HAVE THE ENERGY TO DEFEND HER, IF NEED BE. AND NOW ON TOP OF EVERYTHING, I FIND OUT YOU ALL HAVE BEEN LYING TO ME… TO ME YOUR FRIEND! SANS TELLS ME HE THINKS I AM CLEVER AND BRAVE, BUT… BUT YOU ALL STILL TREAT ME LIKE THE VILLAGE IDIOT." Papyrus was seething, and he turned his back on them.

"P-Papyrus," Alphys began, but she was cut off by his sharpened words as he turned to face her.

"OH NO, YOU DO NOT GET TO SPEAK TO ME, YOU MAD SCIENTIST! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO MY BABY BROTHER, TURNING HIM AGAINST ME? ARE YOU GOING TO TRY TO MAKE HIM DETERMINED ALSO?" Alphys' shocked expression meant nothing to Papyrus, he turned and spat on the ground at her feet, advancing toward her. Undyne did not waste a moment, but cast Papyrus in GREEN immobilizing him.

"Papyrus, you will stand down! This isn't the time for this, we need to get Ambassador Dreemurr back, and then you need to make us all; Sans, The Punk, Alphys, the Canine Unit, me and even Jerry, a nice spaghetti dinner. Over which we can discuss your grievances." She held Papyrus in a tight grip, as she turned to look at Alphys again.

"Next time you are told to keep something from my number one, you come to me. I don't care if Sans tells you otherwise, got it nerd? Now, not one more word about this bullshit, the humans are getting itchy," Director Undyne cast a glance at the humans up the hill from them.

"Get those freaking trackers online. Use Papyrus' as a baseline." Never letting up on her grip on Papyrus she turned to the bane of her existence once more.

"Jerry, you wimp! Get me the dogs."

"Yes. Um, yes Mam," Jerry had just spent a few moments, of his otherwise mundane existence, observing something that no one would ever believe; not that he would ever repeat it. He turned his attention to the task at hand and soon had the located the the dogs on channel twenty.

"The CU is on channel twenty, Mam, and thanks for the dinner invite," Jerry sniffled. Undyne gave him a simple curt nod, then set her radio to channel twenty.

"Alphy babe give me good news, do we have a baseline?"

"Undyne, I have Papyrus online and the signal is Sans online right now, but if he is using magic there may be problems." Alphys spoke evenly her tone serious.

"NO YOU CANNOT, HE TAKES TOO MANY RISKS. YOU BOTH KNOW, IF SANS THINKS HE IS OUT OF TIME OR HE BELIEVES OUR LADY IS IN DANGER HE WILL ATTEMPT ANOTHER TELEPORT." Papyrus was really struggling now and Undyne tightened up her GREEN control.

"Damn the risks, do it. We need to know where they are," Undyne then turned her attention back to her radio.

"Unit I need good news, tell me you've got some."

"Dogaressa here, Director, we are about a quarter mile from the end of the duct. I, and we all agree on this, smell Agent Bones. You aren't going to like this boss, but he doesn't smell so hot." Papyrus groaned, attempting another futile struggle in the grip of GREEN magic.

"UNDYNE, YOU CANNOT HOLD ME HERE. MY BROTHER NEEDS ME, HE NEEDS ME," Papyrus sobbed.

"Keep it together Papy." She returned her attention to the radio.

"Ya got sight of him yet Unit?"

"Dogamy calling, boss. We've made it to the exit, Clown's not here nothing but a wiff. Smells like dirt after rain and sick boss, makes my nose itch. I smell and we all agrrree, humans. Not our Human, Lady Frisk Human, she smells fun. These humans smell, not fun." There was the sound of barking on the radio.

"Lesser dog says, Lady Human Frisk went with those bad smell humans, and we all agrreeeee," Dogamy bayed, and the rest of the Canine Unit took up the call. The sound caused the radio to pop loudly several times.

"You guys need to cool it, or we are going to lose contact with you too. Any idea on direction Commander," Undyne queried in a less than calm voice. There were several sharp barks and some vicious sounding snarling, then silence.

"This is Commander Doggo, Mam. Looks like they headed south, in some kind of vehicle, toward the mountain. Say we can chase the car Mam, please, please."

"Not toward the city, fuhuhuhu. Well nuts to those grade- A cowards, because you guys can really do your thing out in the wilderness. Right, Unit?" Affirmative, barks came over the line.

"Okay new plan, maintain radio silence, unless, you find Sans. You find him, contact us immediately, otherwise Canine Unit is now in stealth mode. I repeat stealth mode. Recover the target at all costs." The radio went silent and Undyne reached up running her fingers through her ponytail in frustration. Of all of the factors they had trained for the one Sans had been most concerned about was her Ladyship running off; he would never say why.

'That Clown is always right, I need to put more faith in that weird little freak,' Undyne thought. Initially she had laughed at the idea, but she now she knew they were going to have to do some serious reevaluation of their risk scenarios; as soon as all of her people were home safe.

"Director, I have Agent Bones online a-and his location, b-but you are not going to like it." Alphys broke in on Undyne's musing.

"What's the deal Alphy, where is he?"

"H-he that i-is to say h-his w-well..." Alphys stuttered her tone incredibly anxious. Undyne looked Alphys up and down and growled in frustration.

"For frick's sake Alphys just spit it out!"

"O-Okay just remember y-you s-said d-damn the consequences. A-Agent B-Bones' HP is now seven."

"NO... NO, IT CANNOT BE THAT LOW," Papyrus whimpered, having long since given up his struggle against Undyne's magic, he had instead been trying to see Alphys' computer screen, but now his head slumped against his chest bonelessly. Undyne felt it was finally safe to release him from her iron grip and Papyrus landed on the ground in a heap next to Jerry.

"And… location, I thought you said you had a location Alphys." Undyne's voice was strained and you could cut the tension with a knife. Alphys shivered under her girlfriend's gaze, but said nothing.

"Alphys, location?"

"H-He… um… I-I have the t-target online."

"Dammit Alphy, I need a location."

"H-He's w-with the t-target th-they are currently h-headed south at f-forty miles per hour."

"MY BABY BONES, I PROMISED I WOULD PROTECT HIM," Papyrus moaned, rising to his feet.

"I SHOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED TO THIS. HE WANTED TO STUDY THE STARS."

"Sans HP is d-dropping: six point eight, six point three..." Alphys continued to rattle off numbers.

"Dammit Alphy, shut that noise. Jerry! Get that chopper back here. Hell yeah, life is way better than Anime!" Jerry wasted no time recalling the helicopter.

"This is Hi-fi to chopper one… chopper one come in, over."

"This is MK what's the haps snot man?" Monster Kid shouted over the com.

"The Pie needs a pick-up, I repeat The Pie needs a pick-up, plus two, and don't call me snot man," Jerry ordered.

"Anything for the Boss Lady on my way, snot man. MK out!"

"Come on Papy," Undyne walked over to her second in command and put her arm around his shoulders.

"We are going to get a human, well several humans apparently. Just like the old days."

"JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS… WILL THERE BE JAPES," Papyrus asked. A grin graced his face, as a mist of ocher like a warm sunset colored his eyes.

"Fuhuhu, oh hells yeah buddy, as many as you want," Undyne laughed, drawing an aquamarine spear from the æther. The sound of a helicopter drawing near blended with their laughter.