~Ouroboros~

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1st – 23. Guilt and Forgiveness

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I paced the confines of my cove, barely able to keep myself from glancing at the sun goddess every few minutes.

Late. He was late.

It was already two hours since the time I had come to expect Hiccup to show up, and the last dregs of my draconic patience were ebbing away.

Where is he!? Doesn't he know how important my tailfin is to me? Why is it taking so long for him to arrive?

Normally I would have easily waited out the few extra hours (or even a day or two), content to just sit around or perhaps go out hunting; but considering that I was effectively tied to the ground until Hiccup returned with my tailfin, time simply couldn't flow fast enough.

Ever since Hiccup had somehow persuaded me with words of an infinitely better tailfin to let the old one be taken off, I had been in a state of constantly churning emotions. The itching that I had come to associate with skylust were gone, although a ghost of it seemed to remain and make itself known every now and then – spiking every time irrational doubts of whether or not Hiccup was coming back crept into my mind.

Not quite irrational now – what with Hiccup being late.

The biggest part of me wanted to believe him – wanted to believe in the human hatchling that had somehow managed to give me back my flight. Hiccup held a special place in my heart now – from the shaky start when we both tried to kill each other, we had somehow managed to become friends without really noticing it happen.

Or so you thought eh – face it, he abandoned you.

I shook my head to clear off that thought. Hiccup didn't abandon me – what reason would he have to do that, especially after everything he had done to allow me to fly once more. Perhaps him being late wasn't something he wanted – perhaps something happened back in his village that prevented him from coming around.

But he promised you that he would return with the new tailfin… no matter what.

Shut up!

I let off a loud roar, and prancing off to where I had previously burned myself a nest heated up the rocks once more. Settling down on the pleasantly warm ground, I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. Hiccup would come – I just knew it. All I needed to do was wait patiently for him…

A twig snapped close by, and I snapped my head in that direction, my mind already painting the image of Hiccup walking into the cove with my tailfin grasped in between his claws. I could already see his beaming smile, his green eye (so much like mine) glowing with excitement and happiness. 'Hey there Toothless' – he would say, and I would finish my bounce to him, lay my tail at the mercy of his paws, and he would finally make me whole again, laughing all the while at my antics.

My mind wasn't wrong – perhaps five or so wingspans away from me stood Hiccup, a partially open basket releasing the appetizing smell of fish upon his shoulders, and (most importantly) my tailfin held loosely under one of his upper paws.

That was where the similarities ended.

I am not sure what I noticed first – the water leaking from his eyes to streak down his cheeks, the limpness of his paws and the way his entire body seemed to barely keep itself up, or the dishevelled state of his outer furs. It didn't matter though – all my thoughts and unease about my tailfin flew out of my head to be replaced with worry for Hiccup.

I was already on my second leap towards him when I noticed all that, and skid to a stop a single wingspan away from him.

:: … Hiccup? :: I asked, subconsciously letting off a soft wail.

His eyes shifted from the ground to look towards mine, and my breath hitched when I saw them – grief-stricken and missing the shine within them that I had not even consciously noticed until it was no longer there. The hopelessness and sheer self-loathing emitted by his mind washed over mine, and for a moment I could not even think as they threatened to completely swallow me. Gathering my rapidly dwindling strength I pushed back, horrified at the difficulty I was having doing that. Oh twin goddesses - If it is so difficult for me to push away the feelings his mind is unconsciously releasing, then how much stronger are they within his own!?

I needed to do something before his mind shattered under the pressure – something fast.

I took a step towards Hiccup, forcing my mind closer at the same time. The dark wave of emotion emitting from his mind slammed into me again, but I was ready for it. A bit more, and I was close enough to gently nuzzle his face with my snout. Almost as if it was waiting for an outside force to push at it, Hiccup's body crumpled down on the ground.

I came closer, curling around his prone body. Shuffling my head inwards, I stopped only when I felt his head lie against my neck. Opening up one of my wings, I draped it over Hiccup, hiding him from the world that had caused him… this.

His body shook silently, and cradled as he was safely within my grasp I tried to calm him down. It was no use though – even though his mind was sending out his feelings strongly enough that even other humans of his tribe should be able to feel them (to speak nothing of any dragons on this island), pushing my own calming thoughts in was like attempting to fly through solid rock.

That is not to say I didn't try, but after almost an entire moonfull of attempts I had to desist. The only thing I could do was curl protectively around both his mind and body, and hope for the best.

:: Hiccup… ::

I felt almost as useless as I had when I found myself chained to the ground, my flight taken away from me.

:: Hiccup… please be alright. ::

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It was perhaps half an hour later that his body stopped shaking and the constant waves of emotion subsided enough for me to no longer wince whenever another one assaulted my mind. Throughout the entire time there wasn't a single sound from him, which I could only pray was a good sign.

I am not sure how long I waited, curled around Hiccup to provide at least a small measure of support – to show him that no matter what had happened that had caused his mind to nearly break down in such a horrifying way, I was still there for him. At some point though, Hiccup stirred and moved his hitherto limp paws to hug my neck. I started crooning softly then, as my mother had done to calm me down whenever I hurt myself.

I felt a tremor pass through him, and then the paw that he held underneath my neck moved slowly to rest over my vocal cords, feeling the song I sung for him. My uneasiness lifted a bit at that – I had also tried to bury myself into my mother's neck whenever she crooned for me, her voice soothing away all my worries. Perhaps humans and dragons weren't that different after all…

I continued my song, stopping only when the absence of air in my lungs forced me to take another breath.

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Kneeling there, his hands wrapped tightly over Toothless' neck, the vibrations of his best friend's song gradually calming him down, Hiccup wondered just what he had done to deserve the friendship of such a pure being. It just didn't fit – not when his hands were marred with blood…

The memory of his axe slashing through the Zippleback's head flashed through his mind; followed by the vivid memories of him shooting down Toothless, of standing over the prone body of the Nightfury and pushing his dagger closer and closer to the dragon's heart. They pained him – the horror he felt at his own actions (and worse – their consequences) being almost unbearable. And that was just it – it wasn't unbearable. Something about Toothless' soothing croons softened their blows.

"Thanks Toothless…" he muttered into his friend's scales, and felt them move underneath him as Toothless shifted, his song fading away.

Pushing himself into a sitting position, Hiccup watched as Toothless uncoiled slightly to allow them to see each other face to face. He could feel Toothless' unease and worry – the soft wail his friend released only accentuating the unvoiced question.

:: What's wrong Hiccup? What happened? ::

"It's nothing… " The answer spilled from his lips without him even thinking about it – just as it had countless times before, whenever someone (anyone really) asked him how he was.

The only answer back was increased worry along with a twinge of disbelief. Hiccup let off a hollow laugh at that. Who was he kidding – of the two of them here, both knew that to be the furthest from the truth.

"Well… not exactly nothing. See- Toothless, I-" He swallowed to try and remove the lump building up in his throat.

"Did you know? I am a Viking now. Of course you don't – I only became one today."

Confusion, worry. Hiccup almost laughed again – he didn't know why but he wanted to laugh so badly… he would have too, if Toothless' song wasn't stuck in his mind. Truly – what did he do to deserve the friendship of such a pure being?

Nothing really, right?

"Toothless, I- We can't meet anymore. Not after today. I just-"

There was even more confusion now, with strands of betrayal and shock spliced in. Hiccup wouldn't be denied though – not when he had made his choice. It was for the best after all…

"Give me your tail. I made the tailfin better, and once it is attached you can fly again." You won't need me any more…

"You can be free, free to leave this island and never come back!" I just… It would be for the best. I just don't know what I would do if I accidentally killed you too…

Toothless recoiled at Hiccup's harsh voice, betrayal clear in his eyes. It stabbed at Hiccup's heart to see his friend like that, and almost subconsciously his hand twitched forward in an attempt to reach out to Toothless before he forced it down.

:: Why?... ::

"I am a Viking that's why! Don't you get it!? Vikings kill dragons and dragons kill Vikings – it's the way it's been, it's the way it is now, and it's the way it will always be!" It almost felt like he was tearing his soul in half to admit it, but Hiccup knew that it wasn't possible for there to be peace between them – too many deaths have been accrued on both sides… As his father had shown, too much hatred….

Too much blood lost, too many hands stained in it – Mine too now…

:: So what! You are different Hiccup! Do you really think anyone else would have hesitated to kill me? Do you think anyone else would have tried – and succeeded! – in giving me back my skies!? ::

Hiccup couldn't take it anymore – laughter ripped out of his throat, sounding insane even to his own ears.

"You don't get it do you! I already told you that I am a Viking now – do you know what that means? Sure I couldn't bring myself to kill you, but so what?! I fixed that – the entire village is now celebrating me killing that Zippleback – happy that I am continuing their bloody legacy!"

Seeing Toothless flinch away in disbelief, Hiccup took a step forward to close back the distance. He couldn't even remember standing up, but it didn't matter – not really. If anyone was to see them right now they would have found the scene extremely funny – or perhaps confusing. A reedy human child barely into his teen years, looming over a regally black dragon that was over ten times his weight; the dragon's head almost touching the ground, its wide eyes staring in shock and fear at the human.

:: What – but, how Hiccup? … Why?... ::

"Don't believe be eh!? It was all too simple really – a dash of eel blood on my axe, a nice scar across the Zippleback's face, and the rest, as they say, is history!"

Toothless pushed himself away even further, having long since uncoiled around Hiccup, and taking another step back shook his head in growing horror. He simply could not believe that Hiccup, of all people, would use the poisonous state of eels against them like this. Have I been wrong about him? Memories of all their time together flashed before his eyes, and he couldn't stop himself from wondering – was Hiccup really just pretending? Had all of their time together nothing more than a way for him to learn about dragons?

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More laughter pierced the air, and I once again noticed just how painfully hollow it sounded. In a way it felt almost as if every single breath that Hiccup took was tearing away at him. Strangely enough, that thought calmed me down. I wasn't wrong about him. Just seeing Hiccup's nearly broken state made that clear.

I knew he wasn't lying about killing a dragon, much the same way as I could see that he regretted it. I drew myself closer to him, startling him and causing him to be the one to flinch back this time.

:: Even so Hiccup, I will not leave you alone. No matter what you have done, no matter what you have caused, it will never change the fact that you gave me back my wings. No, even without that I wouldn't abandon you at a time like this… We are friends aren't we? ::

I watched as Hiccup stumbled back, shaking his head. "How can you just – I killed one of your kin! Doesn't that mean anything to you!?"

:: Yes, you did, but the same can be said about me, no? I do not know how many Vikings I have killed, but that just shows that you are not the only one whose claws are covered in blood. :: I replied calmly. Hiccup just stood there, opening and closing his mouth several times, whatever response he tried to give dying before it passed his throat.

"But- That's just- Fine, forget it! Even so, did you completely forget that I was the one who almost killed you there in the clearing? I held the knife a hair breadth away from your heart!" he stuttered out.

:: But you let me go. Even after I nearly killed you for it you came back to bring me food, provide me with company… bring me back my flight… ::

"That I took away from you in the first place!" he shot back, and I froze.

:: … What are you talking about? :: I replied, but it was a moot question really – I knew that he had been the one to shoot me down. Knew it from the first moment I tasted his scent in those woods.

"The bola that tied you up and brought you down? The one that caused you to lose your tailfin in the first place? It was fired by me! Didn't you wonder just why it was me who found you there, why I came all alone? I shot you down but no one would believe me! The only reason I came to find you was to bring back proof that I killed a Nightfury!" But I couldn't – I just couldn't bring myself to kill you. And yet, even after everything I have done to you, you still became my friend. I don't- I don't deserve that, don't you see!

Perhaps it was the nearly broken state of his mind, but I heard the last part just as clear as if he had voiced it. My eyes widened as I finally understood just what had brought him to this state – what had caused him to break down like this.

Even though he was horrified at the death of another soul carrier at his hands, that was little more than the final push – the sudden and yet not so unexpected crash against the rocks after a broken dive. Hiccup's proverbial wings have been clipped ever since the moment he brought me down, the responsibility for my crippled state weighing him down more and more as we came closer together until the slightest burden could cause his wings to break.

Ironic, considering that I had forgiven him for this a long time ago – before I was even consciously aware that it was him I was forgiving.

:: But you didn't, right? You released me instead, and gave me back the tailfin that you took from me. Perhaps I should thank you instead – if you haven't shot me down we could have never met each other. You would have continued on in your village, and I would have remained in the darkness. ::

He stared at me in incomprehension, hearing but not believing what I was telling him. Still, it was as if his mind had heard what it needed to, for the dark thoughts threatening to tear it asunder dispersed. I didn't waste any time and pushed my own mind closer to his, tightening my embrace and gently helping it heal.

For another moment Hiccup just stared at me, before his eyes rolled up and he collapsed down into a heap on the ground – or would have if I had not shot forward to support him. Curling around him once more, I held him still as we both dozed off, the recent events having taken their toll on the both of us.

The real danger had passed, and I easily slipped into a deep sleep knowing that Hiccup will be all right.

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The sun was just rising from amidst the trees to bathe the top of the cove in its morning light when Hiccup awoke. His first thought was that he was still dreaming, for stretched only a foot above him was a red cloth with interwoven darker red lines coursing through it – made out of some material he had never seen before. Tentatively reaching his hand out, he felt the material with his fingers, wondering at the soft warmth emanating from it. A low gurgle broke him out of his barely awake state, and turning around he spotted Toothless looking at him with concern.

Everything fell back into place after that as he remembered the events that brought him to be lying here with his back against Toothless' side. A flash of till now forgotten pain surfaced at that, but it was much weaker than before. The memories of his… conversation… with Toothless were quite blurry (he couldn't have actually heard Toothless talking after all), but he could still remember laying out all of the things that weighed down on his mind before Toothless, and having his friend casually knock them away.

He smiled, the gesture coming more naturally than even before his mother's death. Always before there was something on his mind, something that made his smile into little more than a mask – a coping mechanism if you will, much like his snarky sarcastic comments.

His father's distant disappointment, his mother's untimely death, the ever widening gap between father and son, his segregation from the others his age… and lately the memory of shooting down Toothless, of nearly killing his best friend…

Really, killing the Zippleback was little more than a final wound that tipped the scales and nearly broke him.

… Would have broken him if it wasn't for Toothless' support.

"Thanks Toothless – for being here for me, for being my friend… for everything."

Toothless crooned in reply, and Hiccup could feel just how glad he was that everything turned out alright.

Pushing himself back into a sitting position, Hiccup watched as the wing spread above him moved away, leaving him to squint at the bright morning light that was now shining down upon them.

While he was still getting used to the brightness around him, Toothless uncoiled around him and walked a short distance away to stretch. Squinting at the dragon's form as Toothless performed several almost cat-like postures (if cants had wings that is), Hiccup stood up and did some stretches himself, the muscles in his arms and legs tingling pleasantly as he did so. Hearing a splash a moment later, he turned around to spot Toothless rolling around in the shallow waters of the pool at the center of their cove, content gurgles accentuating the feelings of enjoyment that Hiccup could feel emanating from him.

A single glance at his mud caked clothes later had Hiccup stripping them away, completely disregarding the barely above freezing temperature. The dried up tear stains along his face itched worse than the dirt and grime that had managed to worm its way to his skin, and it wasn't as if he was a stranger to cold baths – lying around in hot water was a privilege that even his father enjoyed only once or so per month.

Besides, Toothless looked like he was having way too much fun for Hiccup to not want to join in.

The next ten minutes or so were filled with the sounds of laughter, gurgles, roars and splashes, the only low point being when Toothless had accidentally almost rolled right on top of Hiccup. Still, there was no way that could break their mood, and ten more minutes had them sitting across from each other in front of a fire, Hiccup's quickly washed clothes drying on top of Toothless' wing once more.

Silence stretched out, neither wanting to break the blissful atmosphere of contentment that encircled them. It wasn't until Hiccup's wandering eyes spotted the glittering reflection of the artificial tailfin lying halfway open twenty or so feet away from them that the moment ended. With a startled cry he ran off to get it, checking the construction several times over to make sure that neither of them had accidentally stepped and broken it while it lay forgotten in the grass.

A short bark of surprise brought Hiccup back to reality, and he noticed that Toothless had come around to see what had caused him to run off like that. He could feel embarrassed shock emanating from the dragon, and knew that just like him, Toothless had completely forgotten about the artificial tailfin in the wake of everything that had transpired yesterday.

"So you want to put it on now?" he asked, already expecting the warble he got in reply. Tying the tailfin back in place was only slightly easier than the first time, and Hiccup wasn't sure if it was because Toothless was keeping a better hold on his excitement or because he himself knew what to expect.

Watching as his best friend took off into the skies with noticeably less wobbling in his flight, Hiccup returned to the still burning fire to finish warming up and to set up some wooden pikes he could hang his clothing on for them to finish drying. This time it took longer for Toothless to come back from flying around, and by that time Hiccup already had his pants and shirt back on. The past few minutes he had spent thinking about what he was going to do now (as well as an explanation of where he had spent the night that Gobber would accept), and from what he could see there wasn't much he could do.

Now if only he could get Toothless to see that.

Standing up, Hiccup walked over to his friend who was busy looking at his tail – turning it one way and then the other, or swishing it through the air.

"Well, I am glad it turned out to your liking." He said, and watched as Toothless snapped out of his daze, yelping in surprise. Waving away the feelings of embarrassment at getting caught flat footed, he continued; "It's a good thing too, as I um- well- can't quite make it here for the next few days."

"It has nothing to do with what we er- 'discussed' before – just that Gobber, that's my mentor in the village you see, is taking me into the woods on a hunting expedition which usually last a few days. I've never been on one, and he wants me to… well… learn to hunt I guess." Having sensed Toothless' confusion which was quickly replaced by suspicion, he quickly amended.

Toothless seemed to contemplate his words before firmly nodding, which Hiccup took as acceptance, and that was that.

Having been geared for another battle similar to the one he needed to get Toothless to relinquish his hold on the artificial tail yesterday (or the day before yesterday now – he supposed), it was kind of anticlimactic.

A cold breeze passed through the cove, causing him to shiver and make his way back to the campfire, sparse crunches of rock behind him telling him that Toothless wasn't far behind. Sitting down across the fire, Hiccup waited for his friend to take his customary position on the other side, and was pleasantly surprised when Toothless curled up right behind him. A soft croon invited him to lean back, and he did, taking comfort from the pleasantly warm scales.

Neither of them noticed the time pass them by, content as they were to just lie there. Not even when the last flickering flames of the fire died down did either of them move, as even Hiccup didn't notice the warmth of the fire disappear – the gently rising and falling scaled flesh that he was leaning into providing all the warmth needed.

Only the encroaching darkness of the night managed to shake Hiccup out of his near meditative state, but even it wasn't enough to get him to move. It wasn't as if there was anyone in the village that was all that interested in where he was – not counting Gobber of course. For a moment he felt worried about how his mentor would take him being missing for the second day now, but that didn't last long. Besides, what does it matter if I sleep here in the cove with Toothless again? I can always come back early in the morning when I am…

He was asleep before he even finished that thought.

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A/N

I wanted to put a bit more into this chapter, but decided to leave it as is. Overall I think it turned out quite well, though perhaps there was a bit too much angst in it. I justified it as it being the moment when Hiccup comes closest to breaking, and hope you understand.

Strangely enough I wanted the entire scene to take only one day and then continue to the hunting expedition, but the last words just demanded they be the end of the chapter, what with everything coming together like that.

For those who did not clue in, the two of them still haven't realized they can hear each other talking when they are in a highly emotional state. There will be a time they can talk normally, but so far they believe that the reason Hiccup can understand Toothless so well at times like this is because Hiccup can translate emotions so easily (as in Toothless feels curious, and Hiccup takes that to mean that Toothless want him to clarify something). I tried to put in the sections from Hiccup's pov where the responses he gets are in fact feelings, so hopefully you caught that and I didn't do too bad of a job with it.

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Saienai