They spent the rest of the day and the evening answering all the questions the demigods had. Minus Leo's because they were almost all meant to be jokes, Toby seemed to find them funny anyway. Questions stopped when Jason (who had been awake the longest) started to doze off.
"Well obviously Jason can't take night watch and Frank and Leo had the last one. I'm awake enough for the night watch." Nico said staring around the table daring anyone to argue with him. No one did.
"I'll stay up with you Nico." Toby said quickly. "We have some catching up to do still."
"Okay teams of two are the norm anyway." Jason yawned. "I'm heading to bed now." Jason said, got up and slumped out of the room apparently too tired to keep up his usually immaculate posture.
"Okay then let's go." Nico said getting up. Toby grabbed one of the magical mugs that he had found out how to use a few minutes ago and followed him, blowing on the hot tea that had automatically filled it.
"I think I'll come up on deck with you two for a bit." Piper said casually, her eyes flitting about five different colours. "Not for the entire watch but I'm not tired yet and the stars should be beautiful tonight."
"Okay." Nico said keeping all emotion out of his voice as they headed up onto the deck. Once they were up Nico leaned against the railing and Toby stood next to him, sipping his tea and watching Piper carefully. At first she seemed to be looking at the stars exactly like she had said she would, but she must have been judging something because after a minute she spoke.
"So Nico, I guess the rumors about you having a crush on Annabeth were dead wrong huh?" She looked back and forth between Nico and Toby knowingly. "How long has this been happening?"
"About ten months." Nico answered softly. "I don't want Hazel to know."
"Why not? She's your sister, Nico." Piper said staring at him in confusion. "She's your sister, Nico, and if I can sense the love between you two it has to be strong. I'm a charm speaker not a empath." Toby was looking back and forth between Nico and Piper in confusion. Piper laughed when she noticed. "I'm a daughter of Aphrodite, she's the nice goddess of love. I'd be quite a failure if I couldn't sense when two people love each other."
"Oh." Toby said sounding a little frazzled. "Could you tell that Hoody and Masky are in a relationship?"
"No I wasn't around them long enough. I'm sure I could have been sure with time though, their body language did strongly hint they were."
"I don't want Hazel to know because of the time period we were both raised in." Nico interjected before they could get too far off track. "I'm sure you know how history has viewed homosexuality." Nico said. Piper's eyes flashed steel grey almost like Annabeth's then settled to a almost blue. Her eyes were almost never one colour alone.
"I wish that didn't make sense." She sighed. "Greek and Roman cultures recognized homosexuality but modern culture is much worse at that." She sighed heavily. "I'll have a talk with Hazel about it. Don't worry I won't mention about you, but she should know that the cultural opinion has changed before she gets herself in trouble. Maybe after she's had some time to get used to the idea you'll be able to open up to her about it. It might help her adjust to the idea to know she's known someone who is."
"Maybe." Nico said noncommittally. "We'll see." Piper seemed to accept that and nodded sadly.
"Okay. I'll leave you two to catch up now. Gods know if me and Jason were separated for as long as you two were we'd want to be alone." Her eyes sparked with flecks of violet and she winked at them before ducking back into the stairwell to head below deck.
"She's nice." Toby said smiling after her happily.
"Ya she is. Aphrodite is one of the nicer goddesses, though I don't think there's such thing as a purely good god or goddess. Except maybe Hestia, I don't think I've heard anything bad about her." Nico agreed pressing against Toby's side, tonight was a bit cold and Toby was warm.
"I missed you so much, Nico." Toby whispered suddenly wrapping one arm around Nico's shoulders and burying his nose in Nico's hair.
"I've missed you too love." Nico murmured back smiling softly.
"Tartarus was even worse than you thought it would be, wasn't it?" Toby sounded choked up, like he was about to cry. "You don't smile like you did before. Your eyes always look so sad." Nico blinked in surprise. He had been happier than he had been since he left since Toby came back, and still he was that much sadder?
"I'm sorry." Nico murmured running his hands through Toby' hair.
"No I'm sorry I couldn't protect you." Toby said shaking his head violently. "We promised we'd look after each other and I've been just sitting at home while you literally went through hell. I'm so sorry." Toby was crying now and Nico didn't know what to say.
"Oh Toby it wasn't-" But then he choked. If he said it wasn't that bad he would be lying. He couldn't even describe how bad it had been. He had been trying not to remember it, and now memories flooded his mind without his bidding. "Yes." Nico sobbed. "Yes it was that bad." He buried his face in Toby's chest and Toby held him close. He couldn't stop crying now that he had started. He had barely been holding it together for so long and now he was completely unraveling.
"I c-can't even describe it, Toby." Nico half babbled. "I had read about it b-but they could even come close. I'm sorry I c-can't."
"Shhh." Toby soothed stroking Nico's hair, soothing the wild curls. "It's okay cry as much as you need to." Nico relaxed in Toby's arms and just let himself cry until he couldn't anymore. He wasn't sure if he felt better afterwards. He had a headache, but there did seem to be a bit less of a weight on his chest.
"Thank you Toby." Nico whispered. "I'm glad you weren't there with me, I don't think I could handle seeing you go through that."
"I still wish I could have helped." Toby sighed. Nico looked up to see that Toby had been crying too, quieter than him.
"You did help Toby." Nico assured softly. "If I hadn't had you to come back to, I wouldn't have come back at all."
"What?" Toby choked and Nico shrugged.
"I would have given up. There were many times when it seemed like dying was a better option than living but I wanted to make it back to you."
"Thank you for coming back." Toby whispered. "I love you."
"I love you too." Nico responded easily and then stood on his toes to kiss Toby softly. The kiss was wet and salty with tears, but they both welcomed it because at that time they just couldn't seem to get close enough to each other. Even after they broke the kiss Nico rested his head on Toby's shoulder and they didn't separate for a long time. Clinging to each other as if their lives depended on it and the other would disappear as soon as they let go. Nico wasn't convinced he wouldn't.
"It's so hard to believe I'm actually out." Nico admitted softly his voice muffled by the fabric of Toby's shirt. "I feel like I'm back there every time I close my eyes, I dream about it every time I go to sleep and when I wake up I feel like this must be the dream. It's just too good to be true and after all I can still feel the air of that place burning my skin and the Phlegethon burning my throat."
"Soldiers get phantom pains of old injuries." Toby pointed out softly. "I bet that's what it is."
"I know." Nico agreed. "I'm sorry. I go away for over a month and then when I get back I'm a complete wreck. You don't deserve this."
"Don't say that, Nico, please." Toby gasped. "I already feel like I don't deserve you. And I know that's not what you mean, but I've been told my entire life I'm worthless and you're just so…." Toby made a helpless gesture as he looked for the word. "Worthwhile?" Nico chuckled dryly.
"You know after my sister died my father told me it should have been me." Nico commented flatly. "Everything I did, she would have done better. He's right she probably would have."
"I don't know anything about your sister, but I know I wouldn't have loved her. I'm glad you lived." Toby murmured. "Your father is wrong."
"Thank you vita mia." Nico breathed contently. He wasn't sure he believed it, but Toby's opinion was more important to him than his father's anyway. At least Toby had been there for him.
They were both emotionally exhausted after all that, so they spent the rest of their watch chatting about lighter things. Toby had gone to visit his mother again in the time that Nico was in Tartarus and it had gone well. She had his cell number now and they had talked over the phone a few times, so it didn't look like they were going to lose touch again. Nico was thrilled for Toby.
"She wants to meet you again some time." Toby said smiling at Nico. "Whenever things calm down for you a bit. Just for dinner or something like last time."
"Alright." Nico relented. "But I still can't tell her the truth about me. She is just a regular mortal so the less she knows the safer she'll be."
"I know, don't worry." Toby agreed hastily. "And she knows too, she just knows you make me happy, so she wants to spend more time with you too. Gods know she had to be patient and understanding to raise me."
"You said gods instead of 'God'!" Nico exclaimed in over exaggerated shock. "I must really be wearing off on you."
"I guess you must be." Toby laughed. "But then again I've actually met a couple of gods and no sign of God anywhere, so I'd say gods is the safer option huh?"
"I think so." Nico said with a shrug. "My mom believed in both the gods and God with a capital G but I don't think I share her belief."
"You sound like you remember more about her now… do you?" Toby asked hesitantly and Nico sighed and nodded.
"Yes. Slowly but surely I'm remembering. Just in bits and disconnected pieces here and there. Different things trigger different memories, it's still hard to piece together most of it."
"Oh is there any of it you wanna talk about?" Toby asked in the same uncertain tone. Nico knew he didn't seem as happy about remembering as might be expected, but that was because he wasn't.
"Not right now." Nico said shaking his head. "Not yet."
"Okay, whenever you're ready love." Toby relented giving Nico a reassuring squeeze. They still hadn't really let go of each other, only loosened their grip. Luckily their watch had been quite enough to allow that, it had been awhile since the last monster attack. Nico thought that maybe it was Slenderman's visit that had made them shy. Once they realized he was gone and not coming back they would start attacking again.
It was about four in the morning when they heard footsteps and hooves on the stairs coming towards them and finally broke apart. A minute later Coach Hedge and Hazel arrived on deck. Coach Hedge scowling fiercely as usual and Hazel smiling apologetically at Toby.
"Okay cupcakes, we're here to take the morning watch so you two can go get some sleep. Since Hazel tells me I can't attack you." Coach Hedge grumbled. Toby blinked at him in surprise for a minute before managing to take it in stride.
"You can attack me if you want, but I can't promise you'll win. Attack is Jeff's version of hi so I've gotten to be a hell of a fighter." Toby replied easily. Coach Hedge glanced at Hazel hopefully, who shook her head.
"No, you two go get some sleep. Nico if you still refuse to use either Percy or Annabeth's rooms use mine."
"No." Nico relented. "They aren't here and I don't want to kick you out of your room. I doubt Annabeth would mind?"
"Of course she wouldn't." Hazel assured placing a warm hand on Nico's shoulder and smiling at him. "Now go get some rest, gods know you need it."
"Thanks Hazel." Nico said smiling warmly at her over his shoulder as she pushed him towards the steps below deck. Toby followed Nico down the steps.
"Shouldn't you have something to eat before we go to sleep?" Toby murmured softly enough that Hazel and coach hedge wouldn't be able to hear. "You have weight to gain back after all."
"No." Nico snapped too quickly, feeling ashamed of himself when he saw the confusion and fear that flickered across Toby's face. It always did when Nico snapped at him. "No, I-I've been having a hard time keeping food down since I got back from Tartarus. I guess my stomach has shrunk or something but… it makes eating hard and I just don't…." Nico trailed off and Toby hugged him from behind for a moment.
"It's okay Neeks." He assured softly. "I have my cell, I'll call E.J. about it tomorrow okay? I'm sure he'll know what's going on and will be able to tell me how we can fix it."
"Thank you, Toby." Nico sighed. "Now let's go to bed huh? I'm tired and I'm sure you haven't been sleeping well without me."
"Not at all." Toby agreed. "I've been back to the about four hours every three days schedule."
"Well then it's time we fixed that." Nico chuckled leading the way to Annabeth's room. They weren't doing anything inappropriate after all. It shouldn't matter that they were sharing a bed and Nico doubted anyone would notice anyway, there were locks on the cabin doors.
Toby dropped off to sleep quickly after Nico helped him, but Nico did not follow. Instead Nico curled tighter against Toby's side and stared at the wall, trying to ignore the flickerings on the edge of his vision. He knew they weren't real but he couldn't bring himself to look at them or close his eyes just incase they were. Sleep wasn't safe anymore, not after everything he had seen. The darkness and vulnerability of sleep was where all the monsters of Tartarus could dig their claws into his soul and drag themselves out of the pit and into his mind. Toby needed his sleep, Nico refused to wake him with the inevitable screams if he slept as well.
Besides he couldn't shake the feeling that they weren't safe. They should be, Coach hedge and Hazel were on watch. Soon the other demigods that had gone to sleep earlier would be waking up to defend them as well, but still something felt dangerous. Something that Toby needed to be kept safe from. Nico glanced up at his boyfriend's slack face and then down at his chest, counting his breaths to reassure himself that Toby was still alive and safe, just sleeping.
Nico did his best to match his own breathing with Toby's but they were too long and calm and Nico's were short and shallow. Rasping over the pain the had left in his throat and he knew was only in his head.
But he couldn't help but think that maybe that wasn't just in his head. Maybe all of this was only in his head. Maybe it was because those feelings were the real ones and he had never really left. Only lost the ability to cope with what was really around him. No those weren't the only feelings. He could feel Toby's warmth, his life, there would be no life to feel if Nico really was still in Tartarus. Nico pressed his ear to Toby's chest counting the beats of his heart.
Why did Nico feel like Toby needed to be protected? Toby could look after himself, even against monsters since Nico had given him an imperial gold hatchet so who could he need protecting from? Who, not what. Maybe the person in Toby's bed right now, not the same one who had been before Nico had gone to Tartarus. Maybe Nico needed to protect Toby from himself.
No. Nico buried his face in Toby's chest inhaling the scent of his body, smoke, the woods, warmth, and life. No Nico needed Toby, he needed someone to ground him. He needed Toby? But did Toby need him? No. No, Toby did not need him the way he was. Nico's mind had become one giant nightmare. How could he justify pulling someone he loved into that?
The answer was simple, he couldn't. He couldn't justify letting Toby stay with him when he was a mess that even he didn't want to touch. Hell, he would have left himself in a second if he could find a way to. So many times he had thought about giving in to the shadows and becoming one of them. Maybe that would be less painful but it was too late already, he was starting to become solid again. But always cold, and hot, and burning, and in pain, and not quite ever really alive. No he could not burden Toby with himself like this. That would not be the right way to love, but still Nico lay with Toby for the rest of the night.
Despite Nico's decision not to sleep he passed out a couple of hours later. The beating of Toby's heart lulling him into a false sense of security. He panicked when he realized he was nearly asleep but it was already too late and he was dragged down into the darkness and unknowing of sleep.
Images were flicking by so quickly and Nico couldn't grasp any of them. Brief impressions of his sisters, his mother, and Toby flickered through his mind all tinted red and then vanished again before he could grab them. Finally it settled on an image of Percy and Annabeth the way he had last seen them, clinging to the ledge above the pit into Tartarus.
Then they were falling but this time he was falling with them. He gasped and the rushing wind stole the air from his lungs.
No, no, no, no,no, no. Not again, not again. He couldn't measure how long it was before he hit the ground, but then again he hadn't been able to the first time either. It felt like every bone in his body broke when he hit the ground but he didn't have any air in his lungs to scream with. He gasped and the air burned his throat, his eyes, his skin.
He lay still until awareness of monsters screeches and roars drove him to his feet and made him move. His leg hurt with every step but he couldn't stop, the monsters sounded like they were right behind him and all around.
At first when he had landed everything had been obscured by a red mist but now it was clearing and again he could see the true horror of what this place was. When he reached the edge of the Phlegethon he collapsed. He couldn't move any farther not in this place, not with blisters forming on his arms worse than when he had held the Operator inside a forest fire.
He hadn't realized until now that he was crying. No he couldn't cry, not here he couldn't loose water. There was no way of getting it back, it would only mean having to drink from the phlegethon again only sooner but he couldn't stop. He should have known better than to think he would ever escape this place again. Children of Hades just didn't have that kind of luck.
"Nico?" Nico shook his head and covered his ears. It sounded like Toby, but it couldn't be Toby. Please not here, he couldn't be here. "Nico wake up!" Wake up? No that had been the dream, this was too horrible to be a dream. Nico couldn't have dreamed this, he wasn't that broken was he? To dream something this awful?
Then he was awake. Toby was leaning over him shaking him desperately repeating his name. Nico tried to tell Toby that he was awake now but all that came out was a choked sob, quickly followed by another with no time to breath in between. Toby pulled Nico into a hug roughly.
"Breath, Nico. In… Out… breath, focus on my voice and breathe." Toby soothed in a soft monotone chant. Nico did his best but it was so hard, the air burned his throat, with every gasping breath and they kept getting broken off by sobs. His heart felt like it was beating out of his chest and he couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, couldn't. "You're having a panic attack." Toby soothed rubbing Nico's back. "I have them all the time. Just focus on me, breath with me okay?" Nico did his best to zero in on Toby.
"Good now breathe in." Toby took a slow breath and Nico did his best to match it curling into a tight ball and pressing against Toby. "And out." Toby exhaled and Nico did too, close enough to feel when Toby stopped. Nico didn't know how long they continued that, but by the time Toby stopped counting Nico could breathe normally on his own.
"I'm going to go get you a drink, okay?" Toby asked softly still rubbing Nico's back. "What do you want?"
"Mint iced tea." Nico mumbled. "The magic cups should be able to managed that."
"You'll be okay?" Toby asked, Nico just nodded, too tired to answer. Toby left and came back sooner than Nico expected with one of the mess hall's bigger cups full of iced tea. Nico took it and started drinking. It helped to cool the burning in his throat a little and he emptied the cup before he even realized it.
"Tell me about it?" Toby inquired softly once Nico was finished.
"Flash back." Nico sighed shaking his head and wincing at that made his head throb. "I'm sorry I was trying to stay awake but I guess it didn't work." Toby's eyes widened and he shook his head frantically, pulling Nico closer but he stayed quiet for a minute as if organizing what he was going to say.
"You know for a while after I killed my father every time I fell asleep I was watching him beat my mother again. I know that's not even close to what you saw but… Seeing something that bad sometimes feels like it erases everything before and after. Like nothing else can exist in the face of… that." Toby said carefully. "It's okay I understand, at least a little."
"No, I am sorry." Nico said shaking his head. "I wasn't like this when we got together and I don't… I don't want you to feel like you have to stay with me now. I know I'm broken." Nico could feel himself shrinking. He felt like he was nine again, when Bianca had left him for the Hunters of Artemis.
"No!" Toby yelped immediately making Nico jump. "No, Nico, I'm not going anywhere. How could you think that?" He looked almost hurt. "I've needed looking after my entire life, if we stay together you'll have to look after me and I hate that enough. Please let me take this chance to look after you in exchange." Nico stared at Toby in disbelief for a long minute, but Toby met Nico's eyes so earnestly that Nico eventually had to accept he meant it.
"Okay." Nico mumbled finally and Toby grinned at him hugging him tightly.
"I'm staying as long as you want my love. We'll get through this together." Toby assured.
"I'll always want you, Toby." Nico murmured back. "You're my life, I just don't want to be a burden."
"You aren't." Toby promised. "I love you, you'll never be a burden to me."
take the fluff! I hope I'm not overdoing it at all it's just so fin! and I never have a chance to write anything like this in my original work because I keep them stricktly free of romance. :P