He was seeing his world through the eyes of the twisted warlock. These images weren't dreams. They were reality.
That monster had hurt Gaius, and it had all been his fault.. If only he had not killed Morgana, then perhaps his home would still be safe.
He couldn't sleep any more that night. The images of what he had seen, and the words that he had heard continued to loop through his mind in an endless cycle. He curled himself into a ball, his back leaned against a tree, sobbing heavily. His hands were clutching onto his head, the male squeezing his eyes shut, and shaking his head in attempts of ridding the images from his mind.
The guilt he felt was overwhelming, the young warlock blaming himself for everything that was happening in his home world, at the hands of the monster he had unknowingly brought there, and what made it worse was that he knew that there was nothing he could do in order to stop it.
He feared that he would no longer have a home to return to by the time this year was over, that it had all been destroyed and burned to the ground. He couldn't help but to wonder if Kilgarrah had known this would happen, and if he knew that he was connected to his home world in such a messed up way, that he'd be forced to see all the cruelty and pain that person subjected his loved ones to, without being able to interfere. Maybe seeking the dragons counsel would ease his mind, perhaps he knew a way to make the visions stop. He doubted it.
And besides, if he forced himself to think rationally, he realized just how wrong his guilt over killing Morgana actually was. He couldn't possibly have known that something like this would happen. If this hadn't happened, if he hadn't been brought to this world that night, then killing Morgana would have brought peace, but now, it only served to motivate that monster to destroy Camelot.
He didn't wish to think about what he had seen, but he couldn't help but to wonder why his counterpart hadn't destroyed Camelot before, when he had been able to do it with such ease. He didn't want to think that his twisted counterpart was able to feel compassion, or even affection, because that only served to humanize him, and hating him for everything he had done was much easier if he wasn't human.
Some of the things that had been said and done in that vision simply didn't sit well with him either, for the words his counterpart had spoken to Gaius reminded him of Morgana, the bitter and hateful Morgana he brought to an end in his own world, someone who had been driven to hate and resentment because she had no one to support her, no one to guide her.
It did not seem like he had attacked Camelot directly before, and considering the ease of which he had disposed of everyone in his path, it made sense, because if he had, there wouldn't be a Camelot left in this world.. Yet, he simply couldn't understand why he hadn't done it before, what had kept him from attacking the citadel for so long?
"Proved that he will never change."
Had he still hoped that Arthur could change, had that been the reason for why Camelot had been unharmed for so long? He had killed his own father in cold blood. That Merlin would stop at nothing to achieve his goals, he doubted that his counterpart had any shred of faith or hope left in him. Merlin was convinced that he was rotten to the core, and that he must always have been this way, that he was different from Morgana.
But even so, he hadn't assaulted Gaius right away, he had given Gaius a chance to remove himself from harms way. In some ways, it had sounded like he had cared for the old man, and truly didn't wish him any harm. But at the same time, he had been so quick to violence, when Gaius had refused. Not to mention, it almost sounded like he had been doing this because of Morgana, but that did not make sense to him either.
He was thoroughly confused, and emotionally drained at this point. He knew that he couldn't do anything to help his Gaius, he couldn't do anything to help his Camelot.
All he could do was to try to make sense of the monster that was now loose in his world. Perhaps if he understood him, then he'd be able to do something about the situation in this world. He didn't have a choice any longer. If he wanted to make this world worth living in, then he had to learn about his counterparts past. He had to try to understand his way of thought, his reasonings and the things that drove him onto this path of darkness, even if it made him into a human, a victim of circumstance and bad choices.
He needed to know what he had done for the world to fear him, and most of all, he needed to know why he was fighting Camelot and her King in the first place. He clearly must have resided in Camelot at some point, how else would he have known Gaius and Morgana well enough to remotely care about them? Not to mention, he had seemed awfully attached to Morgana, perhaps even more-so than Gaius. Something must've turned him against them. Something must've filled his heart with so much bitterness, hate and resentment, that he no longer see any solution except violence and death.
At the moment, Gaius and Morgana seemed to be his best options in helping him learn about his counterpart, as it did not seem like he had burned those bridges completely, which was apparently the case with Arthur, and the rest of the world as well.
But now he faced a different problem. He needed to find a way to speak with them, find a way to explain what had happened, and he needed to find a way to convince them that what he was saying was true. He needed to think of something this other Merlin would never do, something to show them all that he was different, that he wasn't like him. He needed to show that he truly meant no harm.
His mind was pretty much blank, the few idea's he had were quickly dismissed. Altering his appearance would surely give him passage into Camelot, but that wouldn't be enough. It didn't prove anything, and it would only make him more suspicious of he ended up revealing himself. Sure, he could probably fish some information in the lower town, but he highly doubted that the information would be nearly as credible as it would be if it came from Morgana or Gaius. Rumor had a nasty way of twisting the things that happened, and were often awfully one-sided, and if he wished to change anything, he needed to know the full story.
He needed something that would make him seem genuine, that wasn't deceptive, nor required him to use magic. Any magic would leave them all on high-alert, and it would shatter his credibility before he even managed to create any. He was at a loss of what he ought to do.
The sun had already risen at that point, a ray of light breaking past the leaves hit him right in the face, which promptly snapped him out of his deep thoughts. He was utterly exhausted, but he forced himself into action, in attempts of distracting himself to a certain degree. He set out to gather herbs, his appetite non-existent. He dedided that he would have to prepare the potion he needed to in order to undo the aging spell, just in case ended up settling for his normal disguise.
He hadn't needed it for a while, as he had gotten more proficient with the spell, but he wasn't sure if his powers had transferred to this world along with him, or if he had swapped abilities and skills as well. It was better to be safe, rather than sorry. It's just be a necessary precaution. Of course, remembering all the ingredients from the top of his head was most certainly not an easy task, especially when he hadn't really had any experience in making it himself. He had only watched Gaius prepare it for him a few times, when he had know that he'd have to age himself for one reason, or another. He desperately wished he had paid better attention. He would make sure to do that when he returned, assuming there was anything left for him to return to.
He then thought back to his time in Camelot, letting his mind wander. Suddenly he stopped in his tracks as an idea appeared in his head. Why hadn't he thought of this before? Sure, it would be stupidly dangerous, and either it worked, or he'd probably end up dead, but it was in all honesty the best option he could think of. He only hoped that this Arthur was anywhere near the person he had known, and that he still had the same beliefs and sense of honor in this world, for if he didn't he'd be placed in a very sticky situation, that much was certain.
He'd better make that potion anyways, and beg that it would work, just in case he needed to escape and save himself from being hunted down and burned.
He was no longer at a loss of what to do, even if his intended course of action was stupidly dangerous, not to mention hopeful.
He had a plan.
**Lots of thinking in this chapter, and not a lot of action, but I hope you still found it interesting to read. I promise that the next chapter will be more entertaining. I also hope this clears up some things that may have had you confused in the last chapter! Thank you for your continued support!**