The rest of the day was uneventful… if you discounted how uncomfortable everything was between me and Arion. No matter what I said or how I tried to ignore it, there was an elephant in the room that I was brushing aside. There were a few times when the conversation tipped in the direction of addressing it, but I sure as hell shot him down every time he tried. After a while, all talk basically died a slow, painful, agonizing death.
Frankly, the idea of it all was inconceivable. I could not, would not and never would love that man. And the moment I thought that I yelled at myself for even bringing up love. I shouldn't even have feelings of a soft and sweet nature for him. And those feelings could never stray towards the possibility of love.
We went through the motions as I sensed that very similar thoughts were plaguing us simultaneously. Arion suggested he'd go get some more firewood distantly. I nodded a vague affirmative and continued to churn the idea over in my head.
Why are you even thinking about this? My mind demanded. This man tortured you in every way. He took your life away with the contract. He watched you suffer. He never offered a word of help. How dare you even take the time with this non-issue.
I reminded myself that he was indeed an arse. And he was probably just using me. And that lame excuses about his being unable to understand a woman with a brain were not an acceptable defense for what he'd done to me. I needed Arion for now – I could recognize that. I did not need to care for him. In fact, it was imperative that I crushed those feelings as soon as possible. This was a business relationship we had. That was all.
He walked back, dragging sticks behind him. He tossed them into the fire mutely. I poked at the flames with the stick. Once he was done, he leaned against his tree near the fire again. We both stared at the flames intently.
The silence got even more unsettling as time passed. My skin almost felt itchy with the tension in the air. After a while I stood, needing to move and escape the terrible feeling of something-denied-for-perfectly-logical-and-good-re asons-dammit. Because Arion was so far beyond forbidden fruit that he was more like forbidden Brussels sprouts. You were told not to eat them at all costs and you were just like "Okay, great, fantastic. That'll be so easy to do I won't even have to think about it."
I went to the field, pulling off my restricting shoes. I didn't want them anymore. I just knew that my feet needed to be unrestricted.
And then I felt it. My muscles wanted to move and so I let them. I let my arms swing and my legs move. It just felt right, imagining my body as fluid and relinquishing control to my instinctual dancer. She carried me across the clearing. The annoying thoughts began to dissipate at the edges of my trance. I felt my body begin to calm down as I centered myself in the dance. I began to wonder what I was doing, and then I realized that I didn't care.
The smile crept across my face. My gaze tilted towards the sky and I began to wonder what it would be like to touch it. So my body reached for it. I felt my arms lift upwards, and I my torso stretched up, pulling my legs straight next and my feet as high as possible without being on point. I twirled away, pirouetting and turning, caressing the heavens as I could. The sky was much lighter than I was. It was free from the cares of the earth.
And I felt the earth drag me down. I collapsed into it. I twisted onto the ground and gazed up at my goals from my trapped place on earth. I rolled onto my belly, and slowly got into a position on my hands and knees, and then pushed with my hands so that I was bending back on my knees. I fought the gravity. And I came back down. The earth was too much still. I could not reach freedom. I pushed again, reaching higher with my arms and bending back further. I fell again, landing on my hands with a thud into the grass and dirt. I moved one foot so that I was kneeling and then pushed again. This was the highest yet, and I stood and my arms reached and my back arched.
But I was not stable enough. I bent too far, and began to tumble back to the ground. This time my hands searching not for the air but for support. A strong hand took mine, and it pulled me back before I lost myself to the ground. I didn't think about it, I simply twirled under the arm offered to me. It allowed me to go, and my body leaned back again, as though to fall. I trusted my partner to catch me, and he did. I would do this a few more times, never quite looking at my friend.
The fourth time, I spun and then pressed into his body, clutching his shoulder now but the other arm plead for the clouds above still. He took my waist and lifted me upwards with sturdy arms. I leaned back, knowing this man would have me the whole time. Knowing that I was safe. He slowly turned, and I felt that I'd reached the sky. My grin burned on my face. I'd found freedom.
Satisfied and feeling better, I curled back towards him and put my hands on his shoulders to signal that I was ready to come down. He lowered me gently and I was not bothered when my feet touched the ground. And then my eyes settled upon my dance partner.
Arion just looked at me as though he were transfixed. I just stared back, hoping I wasn't staring at him the same way he was staring at me, though I could feel my face settling into something akin to being a little struck. We two just looked. And I was lost in his eyes and I was pretty sure he was lost in mine.
I barely registered that he was leaning towards me until his lips were mere inches from mine. That was when reality came back and I, thankfully, moved my hand to stop his incoming mouth. We were not romantic, he was Brussels sprouts and I could never care for him. So there.
I got out of Arion airspace quickly so that I could get sense and rationality back. But that boy was good at making me lose my will, but I would not succumb to that using bastard. No I would not. I rubbed my temples. I was beginning to wonder if it was already too late for me. If I was already slipping.
No. No. You must beat him. He cannot win. I told myself. You've got to leave tonight. Now. A.S.A.P.
"Grace," Arion whispered.
"No, Arion," I said.
"If you're not going to say it I will." He said.
I turned to him quickly. Then realized that there should be nothing and I shouldn't look so concerned and I should play the damn situation calmly. I tried to look nonchalant and sort of completely clueless. It had mixed results. "What? There's nothing to say." I wondered if my voice sounded too tense and a little pitchy. So much for calm.
"Don't you feel it?" The prince demanded, moving slowly towards me.
I backed away. "Feel what? Why would I feel anything? That's so silly to think that-"
Arion cut me off. "You are not this dumb. Stop it. And stop tiptoeing around this. You know it's there. I know it's there."
"What?" I asked. I was still fighting for this innocent and clueless thing.
"Attraction." The man fired the word off and stared at me. It sat in my brain. "Feelings. Caring." They landed there too, stirring up my other thoughts. Meshing with my fears and stubbornness. They also shot down my balloon of hope that I could just ignore the emotion I hated myself to have for Arion.
He was right. I was attracted. And maybe I felt and cared for him.
I just wanted to cry.
I bit my lip, fighting the urge. Fuck you, I thought at him. "You know I'm right." He stated it point blank, but I sensed relief in his tone. It had been a gamble he'd just made and he'd hit home. I turned away from him. I couldn't fucking deal with this right now. This was just Stockholm syndrome icing on a sick, sick cake. "Grace, please. Just admit it. I just want to know. I need to know." He was now at my back, and was stroking my arms up and down. I felt my stomach turn. How could I have been so stupid? "Just tell me how you feel. Tell me that you could love me and we can end this."
That was the thing that set me off. I felt the ill feeling in my stomach tip towards anger. "End what?" I ground out huskily. The tears were coming.
"This ridiculousness," he said softly. "I can become king and-" I didn't even let him finish.
"You…" The word shook with ire I couldn't summon a word foul enough for what I wanted to call him. The fury broke over me, pulsing through me. I tore away from him. "Ridiculousness?" The word rolled over my tongue and tasted vile. I turned on him. "For your information, your fucking royal majesty, "this ridiculousness" is what you get when you take everything from a girl, torture her, ruin any chance at normality, drag her forcefully back into a problem that she escaped from, and manipulate her into liking you maybe more than a little because you're actually a decent asshole when you try. "This ridiculousness" is the result of a girl knowing that the feelings brewing inside her are just plain wrong because of how you treated her and her family before now. And then, "this ridiculousness" as you so aptly called it is not worth your while because you need to get your crown before your big bad older brother takes it from you. And I, the girl, should feel so very sorry for you because you're some tortured little prince who doesn't know about women who, God forbid, should resist you or what his identity is. So, you know what, actually I'm really fucking sorry for all "this ridiculousness". I hate to trouble you, since clearly your problems are the worst fucking ones here." By the time I was done, tears poured down my face. I was practically shouting the words.
"Is that really what you think?" Arion asked.
"What else should I think?" I demanded. "It's pretty obvious you were just using me. You've used me from start to finish." I had nothing left. My power and strength left me, and I continued on quietly after a few deep breaths. "You manipulated me by making a clueless child sign a contract and you've now successfully stolen the last shred of dignity I had by making me care about you." The tears just trickled now and I wiped them away forcefully with the heel of my hand. "What the fuck. I should have been more careful. You're an asshole. I don't want to care about you."
"I just meant…" Arion frowned. "How can I explain to you?"
"What do I fucking care?" I spat. "You're just going to speak more lies. If I had the option to leave I would. You disgust me."
"I cannot lie." Arion said blankly. "Check any faerie tale, a faerie cannot lie."
"I can." I said spitefully, though now that I reflected upon it I couldn't remember the last time I had. I was sure there was an example of it somewhere.
"Maybe, but you're half-fae. I am all faerie, and therefore cannot lie to you. So know that I admire your fire and passion. I love your fight. I hate to see you hate me. I hate to see you cry." Arion moved towards me and took my hands in him. "Look me in the eye." It was not a command, but I looked anyway. In his gray orbs was some of the most intense sincerity I've ever seen. "Don't forgive me for what I did. It was wrong. You have no need to be beholden to me for anything. I have to earn you, and you have the right to ignore my efforts or attend them if you will. Just know that I am trying to win you. And not just for a crown. Not any longer. That was the goal originally." He grimaced and swallowed. "I… I want you to be my queen. Because you will do well to balance me and tell me when I am an idiot. You will clobber me when I am unjust and make me see the right. You inspire me more to my cause of freeing human slaves. I believed because of my mother but had lost my way under my father." I opened my mouth to remind him that it didn't make anything better. He silenced me with a finger. "Just as inexcusable," He continued. "Again, I don't ask for forgiveness. I just want you to know. But most of all, Grace Donovan," he got on his knees and looked up at me, "Know that I am the sorriest man alive. This is not enough to repair the damage. It may never be enough. Just remember and know. You are free of my pestering you about this. I will respect you in all things. And I will be a better person." Arion was pleading with me now. "I cannot be more honest than this."
I tugged my hands away. "So I call the shots about this." I was suspicious, but I would check.
"Tell me what you want us to be or not to be and we will be that."
"And you won't push me?"
"Not at all."
I paused. "Then swear to me that you will abide by that. Make me an oath."
"Grace…"
"Do it." I wanted this cast in iron. It wouldn't banish the issue, but it might give me time to process and test him. I couldn't forgive him for what he'd done, but this could be the start of his path to redemption in my mind.
He sighed. "I, Prince Arion of the Fae, swear to not force myself onto Grace Donovan. I will not push her into anything involving feelings for me that she doesn't want to be pushed into. I will let her decide where our relationship is or isn't. I will abide by her in this matter at all times."
I stared at him. I was completely stunned that he'd done it. "Thank you," I told him after a while. We just stared at each other. I could feel the question about where we were burning in his mind. He did not ask, though I gave him time to turn back on his promise and do so. "So, purely-business friend." I emphasized our status pointedly. I threw him that bone for good behavior. "Where can I get a drink of water? I have a horrible head ache."
He stood, smiling weakly. I wondered what was going on underneath those blonde curls. What he thought of the new arrangement and if he wanted to fight it. But he just said, "Here. Let me fix that. I gave a gift for healing."
"I noticed when I broke your nose." I replied. Maybe that hadn't been the most tactful thing to say. Whoops. I gazed at him, wondering how he'd react.
"Indeed." Arion said, lifting my hair around my temples up gently. He was very careful "One thing we don't need to worry about teaching you: how to punch properly. You've got quite a swing."
"Hey, when you're teased for being soulless in pre-k, you learn how to make the boys who torment you suffer." I replied jovially.
"You're going to fall asleep when I do this. I'll return you to the tent, just so you're aware." Warmth began to spread at my temples before I could protest. Sure enough, I fell asleep.