Carried Off: Beloved, a DreamWorks' How to Train Your Dragon fanfic by Raberba girl
Chapter 4 (rough draft)
My other half is sick. Not His body, because He's making His own body sick and won't let me help Him. It's His heart that is sick, my other half is rotting, I'm so scared and sad and I don't know what to do.
"Half Of Me! Get up and come with me!"
"No. Go away."
"...Half Of Me, You are so hungry, but it's okay; look, I have a tasty fish for You to eat."
"No."
I cook it and offer it again. I know He likes His fish cooked.
"I don't want it."
"Eat, Half Of Me!"
"LEAVE ME ALONE."
o.o.o.o.o
"HALF OF ME, GET UP AND EAT. GET UP AND EAT, YOU MUST DO THIS."
He gazes up at me. He doesn't struggle or snarl or even get angry, but He is so defiant in His strange passive way. Even if someone tore Him up when He's like this, they wouldn't win - somehow in some very strange scary way, He would still win even if He's dead.
"...Please, Half Of Me. You're too strong, I can't force You, but please eat. Please. I don't threaten You now; I beg You."
"I reject you. I want to die."
My other half is rotting. He is killing His own body and He's killing my heart. I didn't know anything could hurt so very much.
o.o.o.o.o
I didn't tell Alpha because I'm ashamed that I made myself half of a monster, but I have to tell Him now. He will know how bad I am, but it's okay, I deserve it. Half Of Me is dying, and only Alpha can help Him now.
"Alpha, I am very bad. My other half is a rotting monster, and He's killing both of us. I don't know what to do. He's too strong for me and He's hurting me too much, I don't know what to do."
Alpha is angry that two of His flocklings are hurting each other so deeply, He's ANGRY that two halves are hurting each other so much, He's angry that one of His flocklings is rotting and He didn't know until now. He talks to Half Of Me for a long time.
Waiting waiting waiting, anxious apprehensive, waiting, will I die? Can Alpha save us, or will we die? Waiting, waiting, anxious appre-
Alpha lets Half Of Me go. Half Of Me is so upset, curled up on the ground so helpless and grieving.
"HOW DARE YOU."
No no no no no no no no no no no...!
"YOU DID THIS BAD THING TO MY FLOCKLING THAT I LOVE. YOU STOLE HIM. YOU STOLE HIM AWAY FROM HIS MOST PRECIOUS THINGS, WHY DID YOU DO THIS TERRIBLE THING?"
I am the bad worst most horrible dragon I want to hide very deep sleep forever don't look at me-!
Half Of Me. His small body, His gentle paws.
He is shielding me from Alpha.
...
I don't. Understand it. I don't understand. Half Of...Me...I hurt You so much, I made You sad and grieving and bad, I...I did this, I hurt You so much You almost killed us both trying to escape, but...You...come back and...help me? Together with...me...
We are two halves again. We are one person here trembling and grieving and ashamed together, punished by our alpha for all the terrible bad things we did wrong, but we are...together...
Alpha is amazed. "So beautiful/ugly/beautiful...humans are so strange and horrible and wonderful, I don't understand..."
I'm so amazed that I'm a little scared, too. Half Of Me is so weak, but somehow at the same time He is so strong that He can shield me from a sea-king. My human is terrifying. No one can hurt me when I'm with Him. Everyone can hurt Him, I have to protect Him, but He protects me too even from things I didn't know I could be protected from...
Alpha makes Half Of Me eat. My human despairs, but He eats; His heart is so hurt but His body is a little better now.
"Tend to him," Alpha tells me. "When he is strong enough to fly again, you will take him back to his human nest and his children that he loves."
I am horrified. "Why do You tell me to do this?! He is my OTHER HALF! You tell me to throw away my other half?!"
"He is your other half. You will sacrifice yourself because you love him."
This is what two halves do, but, but, sacrifice myself to LOSE HIM?! No, why?! Why must I do this thing when I will lose Him instead of save Him?!
But...but I couldn't save Him here in my good nest, I couldn't help him, I...the only way I can help the person I love most is to send Him away from me...?
"Poor Nightwing," Alpha says, and His compassion comforts me a little. "This is a very big thing you did, to make yourself half of a human. So dangerous; you are very brave. They aren't like us."
"Half Of Me...Half Of Me...losing Him..."
"They can have more than one other half. They can give themselves to so many. They share themselves, they can very much love someone they don't even know, their love is strange and frightening and beautiful. This dangerous sweet thing you did, Nightwing."
"Half Of Me..."
"Our little human belongs to us, but he belongs to his precious things that he loves, too. He will reunite with them, he will heal. But he loves us, too - maybe he will love us so much there, so far away, just like he loved his precious things so much here, so far away. We must do this thing for him, but I don't think that bond will break. It will hurt us, so much pain, us and him and them. But it will not break. Human love is frightening and strange and amazing and so strong."
"Losing...my half of me that I love..."
o.o.o.o.o
I know why the thing that I did was very bad. Half Of Me loved His precious things so much, just like I love Him so much. I never had a precious thing before, so I was stupid and didn't understand, but I have a precious thing now, so now I understand. If someone stole my other half away from me, I would feel like my heart had been torn out. If I couldn't get back to my precious thing, I would want to lie down and die from grief.
I did this to my other half. This terrible hurting thing, I did it to the person I love most.
That's why He wanted to die. That's why He grieved and despaired and tried to escape and tried to die. That's why He defied me and fought me and hurt me. He was trying to get back to His precious things, His first ones before me, but I didn't let Him. I hurt Him so much.
That's why I'm bad, and that's why I deserve to be hurt now and lose Him.
I tend to my other half. He lets me now, even though He's grieving and heart-sick. His body is gaining strength, but finally finally finally He gave up, and even though I finally won, I hate it because He lost and now it's like His heart is dying. Maybe it was better when He was winning and fighting me and hurting me so much, because at least He was still trying to live.
Sometimes He still says "I love You." The way He says it makes me feel like our love is poison to each other.
I was so wrong to steal Him. We should have become two halves by reaching out to each other, but we didn't. He didn't want to be taken away from His own nest and His precious things, but I stole Him. That's why we are so bad to each other, because I forced Him instead of offering to Him.
"Toothless, fly?"
'Toothless' is His special sound-name for me. 'Fly' means He wants to go flying with me. He is asking me so gently in His human way to please take Him away back to His human nest.
I'm so sad, I'm so sad, but I must do it. "Alpha!"
"What is it?"
"He's leaving us, He's leaving us, He's leaving us. I'm so sad."
"I am very sad, too."
Many flockmates come to tell Him goodbye, our little clever paws human flockmate that we all love and wanted so much to protect and help. "Ours," they mark Him, so that foreigners will know to be wary and not hurt Him, because He still belongs to our flock and many dragons from this nest will avenge Him if He is hurt. "Ours, ours, ours...!"
We are flying. I am throwing my other half my most precious thing away. I am so sad.
"Up," He asks me, but I'm too sad to play. My heart hurts, how can I play and be joyful when I'm losing my other half?
Flying. Flying. I feel it now, the border of her territory, that sky-king queen who tried to steal me... I know about her now, I will be careful, but I don't like being in this unstable rotten territory. Her calling gets stronger and stronger as we fly deeper toward her nest. It's dangerous, and I have to leave my half of me here, I hate it I hate it I hate it...!
Me and Half Of Me and Friend fly as far as we dare. But me and Friend are scared of being caught by that bad queen so that we start losing our minds again like we did before, we don't dare get any closer.
Half Of Me sleeps together with us, curled up between us so we can keep His small scaleless body warm. I have become a day-creature for Him, I was a night-creature before but my other half loves the sun, so now I love the sun too and I must sleep at night or I will be so tired during the day with Him...but I will not have Him during the day anymore and I will not have Him at night either, He is leaving me, it hurts it hurts it hurts...
o.o.o.o.o
The sun is shining. We are fed. We are sad. Half Of Me is caressing us and squeezing us with His forelegs like He's trying to claim us, He is so sad and I know He is telling us goodbye.
"Ours," we mark Him. "Our precious thing that we love."
He leaves us. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone.
o.o.o.o.o
I can't fly, I am grieving too much. Finally Friend picks me up and carries me away like prey. He carries me and carries me, finally I stop being sad because I'm so uncomfortable. I don't like being carried like prey.
...I did this to Half Of Me, too. I hurt Him SO MUCH and I also hurt Him like this. Did I ever do anything to the one I love that was good instead of hurting hurting hurting?!
I fly the rest of the way home, but I am too very much sad. I creep into my aerie and curl up in a corner so I can be Sad.
o.o.o.o.o
This is what it feels like to be dying of grief.
This is how Half Of Me felt.
I made Him feel like this, and now He's making me feel like this. We are two halves, so we know how to love each other and we know how to kill each other.
o.o.o.o.o
It is taking too long for me to die. I want to die, but my body won't, it's too strong.
I stumble out of my aerie, I'm weak but not dying yet. "Alpha!"
"What is it? ...Oh, poor little flockling..."
"I miss Him. I miss Him so much that my name is Missing Him. It hurts so much that I don't know what to do."
"Come here. Rest." I stay close to Alpha for a long time and let Him comfort me. He loves me loves me, we belong to each other, but He loves all His other flocklings and they all belong to each other, too...
That is why my precious one was half of me. Me. He belonged to me most and I tried so much to belong to Him most, we were special together. I love Alpha, I trust my flockmates, but Half Of Me was the only only one who could lie on my back and fly with me, and talk to me as if He was my own self. "I...miss...Him..."
o.o.o.o.o
I am lying in this spot that He claimed. It smells like grief and sick and anger and despair, but I still want to be here because it smells like Him.
Friend comes and pulls me away from the grief/sick/anger/despair place, and I'm too weak to stop him. "Please don't die, Friend."
"Dying without Half Of Me."
"Please don't. I lost Half Of Me and I lost Half's Child. I don't want to lose you my friend, too."
I look at Friend. He knows exactly how this grief feels. He lost his other half, too...and she's not even still alive far away, she's dead.
"...What will make me alive again, Friend?"
"You are already alive. You think you're not, but you are. Get up. Our flock needs you. You cannot give yourself to your other half anymore, so you will give yourself to your flock."
Yes. It is selfish to lie here and die. I will not grieve for Half Of Me here, alone and giving up. I will grieve for Him as I tend to my flockmates and protect them and feed them and teach them.
"Half Of Me is with his precious things that he loves again. He is happy now. Someday I will be happy because my other half is happy, even though He's far away from me..."
To be concluded...