Carried Off, a DreamWorks' How to Train Your Dragon fanfic by Raberba girl

"Finn and the forge" subplot, part 3 (rough draft)

A/N: Warning for more cussing than usual, I couldn't think of a way around it...

o.o.o

It was a journal. There was a date at the top of the first page, and then the entry:

Screw Naming Day. There's no way I'm letting any child of mine get thrown away, no matter how defective it is; they are official people NOW.

Finn Blackmold Hiccupson. Valka Mudbath Hiccupsdaughter. Mother: Astrid Hofferson, wife.

I was sitting there holding Finn, feeling like the world had just turned upside down, so it felt like Val showed up two seconds later and the world flipped sideways this time and I'd never felt so happy in my life, but the midwife said they were actually about ten or eleven minutes apart. Astrid's amazing. Still a bitch, though. Yeah, that's what it is; she's always been an amazing gorgeous bitch, hah.

Finn's mouth dropped open in shock - no one had ever dared to so sharply and casually insult Chief Astrid before. His instinctive protectiveness toward his mother clashed with the love for himself and his sister that shone through the pages of the journal.

I'm officially a father now. I thought it would be the most horrible feeling, knowing I'd brought two new lives (two! Not just one, there are TWO OF THEM, aaahhh!) into this rotten world, knowing I'd fail them like I always fail at everything...

But I can't explain it, it's the opposite. They are so perfect, they are SO DAMN PERFECT, their little fingers and toes and everything everything everything about them, Finn holds onto my hand and won't let go, I can hear Val talking to me when she cries, the words are in there already.

I would do anything for them, I would die for them, I would defy HER for them, I would...anything. I thought I was a slave before, but being her dog is SO different than this. Now I'm a slave, I belong entirely to these little ones, and I couldn't be happier about it.

"What is that supposed to mean?!"

Confused and amazed and distressed, Finn shut the book. Then he opened it again and read until the wee hours of the morning, incredulous at this intimate, sometimes disturbing, sometimes wonderful picture of his father that he had never seen before.

Almost everyone always talked about Hiccup the Traitor as if he was vile and conniving. Gobber had spoken of him with bitterness, as if of a beloved son who had deserted his people to serve in the armies of the enemy. Astrid had not tolerated insults to Hiccup's memory, had spoken of him seldom and sadly, as if she could allow herself the pain of missing her husband after his crimes had been suitably punished.

Finn saw little evidence of any of this in the journal. What he saw was an earnest, intelligent, passionate, observant, angry man who loathed both his wife and himself, but loved his children so much that Finn trembled sometimes whenever he remembered that he was the baby boy who had been so doted on.

Finn is incredible. And I'm an idiot.

I tried to teach the twins how to count to five, mostly on a whim. Val soon lost interest like I expected, but Finn kept watching me, so intently I could practically hear him thinking. And then he started counting.

I swear he was counting, he was counting for real, but his poor little fingers were too small and he couldn't make them do what he wanted them to do, he was crying because he thought he'd failed and I tried to comfort him, but how can you make a baby understand that he didn't fail, that it's not his fault his body isn't as strong as his mind, that he did do it right? How do you tell a baby that he's the smartest baby in the world and his father is a moron?

I couldn't make him understand, all I could do was hug him and sing to him and tell him how much I love him, but if he's too discouraged to try again, it's all my fault.

Finn finally had to stretch out on the floor and rest his eyes, but when he woke a few hours later, he remained holed up in the workroom.

She's getting better, though I think it depends on your definition of 'better.' I could tell she wanted to hit me so bad, her fists were clenched and she had me cornered against the wall and Finn was crying but I didn't dare pick him up.

I don't think she'd ever hurt the babies, at least not when they're still so young... I've noticed that sometimes, when they're driving her crazy with their crying, she starts blowing up at me no matter what I did or didn't do. I think she's trying to stop herself from taking it out on the children.

I started provoking her when they get fussy, so she can just go straight for me instead of having to talk herself away from them. But she could still hit the kids by accident if they get in the way, so I try not to get too close to them when she's in one of her violent moods.

It couldn't be true. Finn's mother was... He could see the rage in her eyes sometimes, but she couldn't be a spouse abuser! She had too much self-control for that, too much honor.

Hiding out in the woods at the moment, trying to convince Finn that the scary drizzle won't hurt him. Val's out like a light, thank Freyja.

Astrid tries not to hit me where it'll show, but this time she gave me a black eye and now Gobber's over at the house chewing her out. He's the best and I know he can hold his own if Astrid tries to kill him, but the babies couldn't sleep with all that racket, so I had to take them somewhere quieter.

Finn felt sick. He couldn't believe what he was reading, entry after entry after entry.

She managed to check her punch this time. It might not even bruise, which is great and all, but the look she was giving me! Like she wanted to flay me alive, and would have done so if I was her official slave instead of just her secret one...

How could something like this have gone on for so long without anyone knowing except, apparently, Gobber?! Why had Gobber never said anything about it?!

She raped me last night. Damn her, there IS no other word for it. She hadn't raped me since The Incident, we were doing so good for so long, but- Dammit, I even know how much I messed up this time, I know how I could have done it better if I'd just been less tired and less drunk and listened to my better judgment, but why do I have to be perfect every single second of every single day and still pray she won't hurt me, when SHE gets to do whatever she wants and never suffer for it?!

Finn finally reached the end of the journal, feeling numb. The book in his hands was so small, but it held so much pain and joy and fury and fear, so much love and so much hate. He felt like a veil had been torn away, like his own family were strangers to him, like he'd never truly known them until now.

His preoccupation with his father's papers meant that he'd been neglecting his work, so he took a couple of days to catch up. He managed to avoid his mother during that time, but on the third day, she came to the forge. "Finn," she called.

He studied her for a moment before answering. She looked just the same as usual...straight-backed and businesslike, a little tired, with a hint of sadness in her eyes that no one else seemed to notice. She did get aggressive when she was angry, but Finn had seen her at her worst, he had seen her with the villagers, and he knew that she would never truly hurt one of her own people. How could his father have hated his mother so much that he'd filled a whole notebook with lies? "Hey."

"You have time to take a look at my knife?"

"How soon do you need it?"

"It's not urgent, but the sooner the better."

"Hmm." Finn took the knife and held it in his hands for a long moment. Then he looked up and met his mother's eyes. "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"...I'm an adult now."

"Ye-e-es," she said warily. "What is it you're about to ask for that you think I'm going to refuse?"

"Did you love Dad?"

She blinked in surprise. "What...what brought that up all of a sudden?"

"...Gobber had some boxes of Dad's old stuff."

She was quiet for a long moment. "Not now," she finally said. "Come have supper with us tonight, and we can talk."

"All right," he agreed, a little surprised at how calm he sounded. His heart was pounding. "I'll see you tonight, then."

"Love you," she said absently, brushing a kiss against his temple before walking away.

That night, Finn was quiet as he sat at the table in the house where he'd grown up. Astrid, too, didn't say much at first. Valka chattered enough that the silence was filled and she didn't notice anything amiss.

A few bites in, Finn cut through Valka's overly-detailed story about the adventure she and Gruffnut had had that day. "Val, I wanted to ask Mom about Dad."

"Really?" Valka said, surprised and interested enough to forget her indignation at being interrupted. Her eyes immediately swiveled to meet Astrid's. "You never talk about Dad!"

"Finn's an adult now," Astrid said shortly. "He asked, and he deserves to know."

"I'm an adult, too," Valka huffed.

"I found some of Dad's papers," Finn said, cutting her off before she could get distracted. "I never knew he drew pictures."

"He drew pictures?!" Val exclaimed.

"I can show them to you tomorrow," Finn said to his sister, though his eyes were on Astrid.

Astrid sighed deeply. "Yes. He doodled a bit. And drew mechanical designs and things like that."

"I asked you earlier if you loved him."

Valka's interest immediately heightened. "Ooohh! Tell us how you met, Mom! Tell us about when you got married!"

Astrid winced. "It wasn't a romantic love story, Val."

"Was it an arranged marriage?" Finn asked.

"It was...complicated. He was complicated." Astrid looked a little angry. "Everything about your father was complicated."

"I bet he thought you were the most beau~tiful girl on Berk," Valka sighed happily. "And he told you he couldn't live without you and asked you to marry him, and you said yes because he was clever and handsome and he wasn't crazy back then, right?"

Astrid shifted uncomfortably. "He did have a crush on me. But I didn't feel the same; he was...I told you it wasn't romantic, Val. He actually wasn't very handsome, or at least, his looks were more like an acquired taste."

She paused thoughtfully. "I think I was most attracted to him when he was...I don't know how to explain it...when he made some sort of sacrifice I could respect, when he did something kind even though he didn't have to, when he looked at the two of you like you were the most precious things in the world... I don't want to say I was attracted to his personality, because I wasn't, he had a horrible personality and he drove me crazy. But there were some things he did, some moments when I would look at him, and thought he was the most attractive man on Berk."

Valka smiled as if vindicated.

"What do you mean," Finn said carefully, "that he drove you crazy?"

Astrid eyed him. "I mean he was the most stubborn man I have ever met."

The twins, born and raised among the Vikings of Berk, were impressed.

"He was...he was very frustrating," Astrid continued. "He almost did as much damage to Berk as the dragons did."

Finn and Valka were aghast. "So he was a traitor?!"

"I mean, it wasn't deliberate sabotage," Astrid said, then added in a mutter, "I hope." She shook her head. "I mean, Hiccup Haddock was the most incompetent, clumsy, rebellious, pig-headed Viking I have ever seen. He'd flagrantly disobey orders, which would result in dragons getting access to half our food stores, then he'd try to fix his mistake and fail so badly that the dragons would end up with the other half as well."

"He couldn't have been that bad!" Valka cried.

"I am totally serious. There was some real, genuine discussion about shipping him off to sea, or staking him out on a hilltop and letting the dragons take him, or something just to get rid of him. If his father, the chief, hadn't protected him so closely, he wouldn't have survived adolescence."

"Then we wouldn't have been born!" Valka realized.

"Then why did you marry him?" Finn asked.

Astrid squirmed again. "He was the chief's son and heir. Whoever married him would have a lot of influence in the village."

"You wanted to rule Berk," Finn realized.

"I didn't want power, Finn. If there had been a suitable candidate for the job, I would have stayed quiet and thrown all my support behind him. But there wasn't - your father was clearly, clearly not suitable to be chief, and the only other candidate was so stupid and arrogant and short-sighed that he would have gotten us all killed within a generation. I took the best of two bad options." She seemed to realize what she'd just said. "He wasn't a bad father at all. He just would have been a bad chief."

"Did you hate each other when you started out?" Finn asked. "Or did you grow to hate each other later?"

"They didn't hate each other," Valka objected. "Mom loves him!"

Astrid, however, was hesitant, and Finn thought she looked guilty. "We didn't...get along very well. We never did. We were incompatible as spouses; I put up with him as best I could because I had to do whatever was necessary for the good of Berk."

"But you always talk about him like you really miss him!" Valka cried.

Astrid sighed a little and said, "It's a lot...a lot easier for me to miss Hiccup when he's not actually here. He's too much, in person."

"What did you do whenever he annoyed you too much?" Finn asked.

Astrid gave him a hard look. "How much did Gobber tell you?"

"Does it matter?" Finn was unable to keep the anger out of his voice. "What did you do to him when he annoyed you too much? What did you do when he wasn't in the mood for sex? What did you do whenever he made a mistake and put Berk in danger?"

Astrid sat very, very still. Valka looked back and forth between them, frowning in puzzlement.

"What will you do," Finn finally asked, "when I tell you that someone in this village thought you were a spouse abuser and a rapist?"

Valka snorted as if the idea was ridiculous.

Astrid's face was pale. "...Have you been talking to his ghost or something?" she said in a low voice.

"Is it true?" His voice was shaking. His sister's eyes went wide.

Astrid took a deep breath. When she spoke, her words were firm. "I have done things in my past that I am not proud of. I didn't treat your father the way I should have, and I realize that now. I should have had more self-control, more self-respect, more...integrity, whatever it is I have now that I was lacking then, I did make mistakes, and I regret it, and I would have done things very differently if I had the chance to do it again."

Valka was looking horrified. "You can't be a rapist, Mom, that's insane!"

"He called it that," Astrid complained. "If he'd just...I was younger then, I didn't know- I would have done things differently Val! I made mistakes, I'm sorry."

"I don't understand you! You're both crazy!" Valka shouted, and stormed out of the house.

There was a long silence. Finn finally asked, "Was he really a traitor, or was that a lie, too? Did you murder him in secret?"

"No, Finn, of course not!"

"Don't say 'of course not' when you just admitted to all this other stuff!"

"Okay, but I didn't kill him. I mean-" She looked uneasy. "He was a traitor, Finn, and he did go mad. At least before, he was trying to help Berk and only helped the dragons by accident, but...when the dragons took him...I don't know what they did to him, I've never seen those monsters bewitch anyone else the way they did him, but he was never the same after that."

"Gobber always talked about it as if it was the other way around...as if he was the one who could bewitch them."

"Does that make it better?" Astrid snapped. "Either way, there was something different about him, he might as well have been a dragon himself, he helped them deliberately and he wasn't even sorry for it." Her mouth tightened. "He would have gone into exile quite happily if not for you two. As if it wasn't enough to betray us, he wanted to take my children, too. He wanted to deprive me of heirs, deprive Berk of two warriors, cut down your generation, I don't know how much longer Berk will last even with you and Val still here, I don't know if any of your children will survive at all..."

Finn definitely did not want to talk about his upcoming duty to sire as many future Viking warriors as possible. He didn't know a single female whom he'd ever want to share a bed with, and he was still too young to marry even if he did have someone in mind. Not to mention the fact that, for all his new-fledged independence, he couldn't imagine himself as a father anytime soon, as being so deeply responsible for any human being other than himself. "Don't try to change the subject."

"I'm not, Finn," Astrid said in irritation. "I'm just saying that, yes, I mistreated your father, but he was no angel, either. He didn't deserve the way I treated him, but he did deserve his fate."

Finn rested his head on his hand and was silent for a while.

"He did love you," Astrid finally said. "Whatever his faults, whatever happened to him with the dragons, one thing that never changed was how much he loved you and Val. I couldn't trust him - but I could trust his love for you." Then, after another long pause, "I love you, too. I know I've made mistakes as a mother, but I do care about you and Val very much."

"Mm."

Then, again, as if the silences were too much for her to bear, "How did you know, Finn? Who told you?"

"You owed me this explanation," Finn said, "but I don't owe you one." He stood up and left the house.

To be continued...