Trees. There are so many here. I don't remember ever seeing one up close like this, yet now I find myself surrounded by them. Was this a dream? It had to be a dream, yet it feels so… real. I reached out to touch a branch when something green appeared. A bud, the basis of a tree's leaves. These trees were naked, but the buds started to appear, like small dots, all ready to be connected into something bigger.

Leaves. As if some unknown orchestra was playing, all the tree buds bloomed open in a rhythmic pattern. Everywhere around me life started to show itself, a sea of green flooded my surroundings. It was beautiful. I reached out towards a leaf and dragged my paw across its surface. It felt alive, teeming with energy.

Flowers. I smelt them first. An intoxicating array of violets and lavender. There were other smells, but those two stood out the most. Just as the leaves had appeared, so did the flowers in a dance of harmonious excitement. It was breathtaking. I had no idea where I was, but I didn't want to leave. Not yet.

Colors. Just as quick as they appeared, the flowers soon withered away, their petals covering the ground like a blanket of snow. It was sad to see them leave, but in their place, a new show began. All the leaves that were once green started to change colors of their own. Green to yellow. Yellow to orange. Orange to red. It was as if a rainbow had landed right on top of this field of trees.

Fall. The leaves started to turn brown, falling from the branches. They coated the ground, completely shrouding the petals that were there moments ago. It was sad to see the flowers and leaves fall, but the branches had their own beauty to them. Wooden arms pointed in every direction, branching off left and right. Up and down. It was as if there were no limit to where they could go.

Sounds. I took a few steps, wanting to see the different shapes of the trees when a loud, yet satisfying crunch occurred beneath my feet. The leaves had dried to the point that they were brittle. The slightest touch caused them to break into a million tiny parts. I lightly walked through the clearing, listening to each sound as my foot hit the ground. Soon I found myself picking up speed, trying to create my own music in the crumbling leaves.

Cold. A sudden chill blew through the now lifeless trees. They weren't dead, at least from what I've read. They simply… sleep through the winter, to be reborn again year after year, for decades or even centuries. I envied those trees. To be able to rest, to know that no matter what, you will wake up again when the time is right.

Noise. I heard the trees creaking as the cold winds started to pick up, causing the trees to all sway, as if dancing. Everywhere I looked, trees were moving as if the wind was coming from all directions. It was getting colder. I felt myself shudder from the chilling embrace. I needed to find shelter. I ran into the trees.

Lost. Where was I? Every time I tried to escape the bitter wind through the tree's, I ended up back in the clearing. North became South. West became East. No matter what direction I picked, I always wound up back here. I was lost, and alone. The bitter winds started to chill me to the bone, leaving frozen strands of ice on my nose and muzzle. I needed to get warm.

Decay. I tried to wrap myself in the leaves that fell moments ago, but they were gone. In its place was a body. It… was me. I stood here, but I also lay there on the ground, naked. The fur on my chest… no its chest was gone, in its place a large scar going from the base of the neck down to the…

Rot. I saw the skin on the body start to peel back, as if roasting in a fire, but there was no heat, only bitter cold. The eyes disappeared deeper into the skull. Fur looked as if it was melting off. The skin boiled and bubbled. What was going on? Where was I? Where am I? I tried to look away, but no matter where I looked, there I was, looking at my own rotting body. I couldn't escape it.

Move. I had to move, I had to get away but I can't! My mind kept shouting: 'Move! Move! Move!' but my body wouldn't respond, it was as if I was running in circles. Move. Where? Where can I go? Move. I want to! I need to, but I can't! Where do you want me to… no. My mind wasn't telling me to move, it was telling me it was moving! The body on the ground before me has rotted, bits of flesh still lingering on discolored muscle. I felt sick, knowing that moments earlier I was looking at myself as in a mirror, but something still remained. The torso. The scar, along with the shaved area still looked fresh, it still looked… alive. I finally saw the moment. It was as if the body was still… breathing. No, not breathing, but it was moving, as if something was… inside.

Escape. I wanted to escape, but I couldn't as I watched something else trying to escape… from inside my own body, my body that was laying at my feet. Rhythmic pulses were pushing along the scar line from beneath the skin. It wasn't my body, but watching it made me start to feel it. To feel the pushing, to feel the pain. It was as if my own body was mirroring that below me.

Tear. I felt my skin burn as I saw the scar started to separate, both sides of the skin tearing from each other. I had to look down at my own body. I could feel it, but I saw no signs of movement, saw no foreign entity trying to escape from my own flesh, but it felt so… real. It was hurting. I felt my heart on fire, my blood starting to burn through my very veins. I fell to my knees.

Emergence. I tried to look away, but it was always there. I tried to close my eyes but it was as if my own eyelids were missing. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. The cold surrounding me seemed to be shutting my body down bit by bit, everything but my eyes. And my ears. Unable to look away I could only watch, watch as two small paws emerged from the body, one at a time. They pushed and scratched at the skin, my skin. I felt every moment, every scratch.

Death. I smelt it in the air, the choking stench of it as I saw a face emerge from my own body. No. It can't be. I wanted to run, I wanted to cry, I wanted to… say I'm sorry. I needed to tell her that I didn't mean it, I didn't mean any of it. I wanted to…

"You killed me."

No! I didn't! I… why can't I speak? I needed to tell her that it wasn't my fault, that I tried to save her.

"Why did you abandon me?"

I didn't! I… I didn't want to… I tried… I tried…

"Why won't you say you're sorry? Why won't you cry for me?"

I… want to… I can't speak. I can't cry. I can't even move. I felt frozen, any heat within me sapped by this never ending wind. I just wanted to… die. Oh please, if I could bring her back by giving my own life in exchange, I would do it. I would rather I suffer for an eternity than let anyone experience the same. I just wanted to tell her…

"You killed me, and now I'm here to return the favor."

Would it give you your life back? Taking my own, would it ease your suffering? I wanted it to be true, to know that I could simply trade my own life for another's, to let them live through my death. As I saw her brandishing her swords, I just wanted to lean my head back, to give her the freedom to take my own life in exchange for hers, but my head fell.

Warm. I felt a warmth run through my body. Was it blood? No, she was still standing there, as if frozen in time. Why did it feel so warm all of a sudden? The winds died down, the chill faded with it as my body warmed up as if the new day's sun arrived, but there was no sun, it was dark.

Light. A small flicker of light started somewhere in the distance. She still stood there, the tiny mouse holding a sword in each paw, looking as immobile as I felt. She didn't speak. She didn't move. She just… stared at me. Her eyes locked into my own, hate, anger, betrayal. Sadness. They all filled her eyes like an ever changing painting.

Heat. The warmth got hotter and hotter, and soon it felt as if my entire body was on fire. The flicker of light in the distance got larger, brighter. It moved with a mesmerizing motion. The flickering swayed back and forth as it grew in intensity. It grew larger, and closer… and hotter.

Flame. The trees were on fire. The roaring of the flames and the cracking of burning wood created a cacophony of noises that under any other circumstances might have been almost enchanting, but they approached me fast, and I was still unable to move. The mouse in front of me was still motionless, but the anger and hate in her eyes disappeared and was replaced with… fear.

"We meet again."

That voice… no, it can't be! I tried to look around, but my neck was locked into position. The sound of the flames surrounded me as the smoke finally reached my lungs. I tried to cough, but I couldn't, the burning embers and blackened soot began filling me up, burning me from the inside.

"I have been looking for you. Oh, you're not alone? We can't have company, it would just be rude."

A large hoof came crashing down on the mouse, crushing her. Blood and guts flew in all directions. No. NO! I… I couldn't save her… again… why can't I protect my friends? Why can't I be the hero everyone thinks I am?

"That's because a 'hero' is only a fairy tale."

What? Did he…

"Yes. I can hear you. Poor, poor Olivia. Look at the mess you've made. It would have been much simpler if you had just died."

I… I wanted to… my friends…

"Oh, yes. Your friends. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about them."

What was he… no. Please no. All the trees had burned down to the ground, all but five. Tied to each tree were my… friends.

Drake. The boar walked up to him, smiling. He didn't speak as he started to cut off the skin of his wings. He was frozen just as the mouse… no, I can't forget… just as Blanche had been. He didn't even fight as the boar finished cutting off the wings.

"That will teach him to fly away from me."

Holly. He walked up to her, and took the knife and held it up to her feet and began to saw. She didn't scream, she didn't cry. She was motionless. She just let him cut off her feet.

"That will teach her to run."

Mark. The boar moved to him next as he cleaned off the knife. He grabbed one of Mark's arms and began to saw at his wrist. Just like the other two, Mark showed no emotion to being injured as the boar finished cutting off both of the paws.

"That will teach him to help."

No. Please no. All this worry over Blanche, and I forgot the one, the only one who gave me the reason to live, the reason to survive. Nate. Please don't hurt him. PLEASE!

"Oh, don't worry, your time will come soon enough."

He used the knife to rip open Nate's shirt, and started to scrape the fur off of his chest. Unlike the others, I could see Nate starting to cry. I felt myself starting to as well. I… I couldn't let him hurt Nate! I tried to move, but I couldn't. I was still motionless. I could only watch.

He then stabbed the knife into Nate's chest, slowly cutting a hole. Once he was done, he stuck his hoof… into Nate, and pulled out his… heart, still beating.

"This, will teach him to love." He held the heart up to me, beating faster and faster. "He loved you, I think more than you could ever have loved him. In the end it doesn't matter. You couldn't save him. You couldn't save any of them." He clenched his hoof and crushed the heart, splattering me with Nate's blood.

"Like I promised, it's your turn now. I am a boar of my word after all."

I felt the knife enter my chest. The moment it pierced my heart, I felt it rupture, but it didn't bring death, it only brought… pain. Anger. Hatred. Love. Fear. Hope. Sorrow. Life.

"Oh my. Looks like now isn't the time. Pity. Soon Olivia Springs, soon. Then I will have my prize. Remember, no matter how much you try to protect them, eventually you will fail, and when you do. I will be there."

Fuck you. FUCK YOU!

The boar disappeared. My friends vanished. I was left alone again. The fires roared as they got closer and closer. I felt my fur burning. I felt my skin boiling, but I wouldn't die. I will NOT die! I will live. I will protect my friends no matter what. Protect them from harm. Physical harm. Emotional harm. Mental harm. I will make sure they never get hurt again, even if I have to bear it all.

The fires started to recede, but the smoke thickened. I was finally able to move as the smoke began to fill my lungs, causing me to choke. I slowly stood up. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care. All around me was death, decay, ash. All, but right ahead of me. The smoke parted ways as I slowly dredged through it all. I felt as if I were going to suffocate, but I can't die, not yet. My friends needed me, just as I needed them. Without me they'll have to bare it all, and I refuse to let them have that burden.

I walked towards the light at the end of the clearing. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care. Just need to take one more step. Just… one… more…

Step.

I woke up with no air in my lungs. I felt as if I was about to die until my body responded by a sudden intake of air. My breathing was heavy as I tried to fill my lungs. It was a nightmare, one that felt more real than any of the ones I've had in the past. I even woke up feeling as if my lungs were filled with smoke and ash.

"O-Olivia?"

I was laying in a bed. It was one of the beds in the bunker. I was home. I felt my eyes start to water as I remembered the nightmare. I looked over at the voice and saw Nate, sitting on the edge of the bed. The flood gates in my eyes ruptured as I lunged into him, pressing my head into his chest and crying harder than I ever had.

He said no words, rather placed his arms around me and held me as I let it all out. I tried to talk, but I couldn't. I was just happy he was here. That he was alive. It was a nightmare, but nightmares weren't real. They were unharmed, that fucking boar was nowhere to be seen, and Blanche…

"S-she's d-dead… I-I k-killed h-her…"

It was the most I could get out, as the never ending tears were still flowing. Blanche… Why did I have to threaten her? Why did I have to snap at her those times? If I had only been nicer, kinder to her, maybe this would never have happened. Maybe she would still be… alive.

I felt Nate's tail start to wrap around me, but it felt as if he was hesitant to. "N-no… it w-wasn't your fault…"

"B-but I could h-have saved her! I s-should have."

"It was too dangerous 'livi. If we didn't hold you back when you tried to run down there, you'd both be dead." Holly's voice told me that Nate and I were not alone.

Nate slowly pushed me back from him and looked into my eyes. I could see the hurt in them. The fur on his face was wet from tears of his own. "It… it w-wasn't your fault… I couldn't s-stand h-hearing her yell at y-you. I… s-snapped at h-her. I s-said things I d-didn't know I could s-say. I t-think I… s-scared her. T-then she left…"

"No Nate, it wasn't… it wasn't y-your fault." I had to wipe the tears from my eyes, everything was looking blurry. "T-that wasn't the f-first time I… yelled at her. I… almost… hurt her."

"What are you talking about 'livi? I know you two had some verbal outings before, but I figured it was like that for everyone she knew. She wasn't the most… sensible type."

"N-no… I… she… it was back right b-before North s-showed up with that food. I had made… B-Blanche, a communicator. W-we were talking when she called Nate a… coward… a cowardly c-cur. I… I think my brain b-broke then. I s-started to yell at her, and n-never noticed my own arm g-grabbing her… if she hadn't started to struggle… I was squeezing h-her so hard, she… she couldn't b-breathe. If she n-never tried to g-get free, I-I w-would have… b-but I still d-did. I-I killed h-her…"

I thought that by now my body wouldn't have any more water left for tears, but I was wrong. They started again, nearly as hard as last time. The memories of me yelling at her, of me gripping her like that. I had started it, and I had… ended it. I survived nearly drowning in radiation filled waters, I could have survived that crater…

"No, t-that's not… that's not you. You wouldn't…" Nate didn't sound sure of his own words.

"'Livi, you've… changed, and not in a good way. What's going on in that head of yours? You went nuts during that Legionary fight, just to save a… to save Jasmine? Then you tried to get yourself killed trying to rescue Blanche. I know you want to help people, but you can't keep trying to get yourself killed in order to do it."

"I…" I've been told that before, that I can't help anyone if I'm dead, but… "I-I just c-can't help it…"

"Yes you can 'livi. I know that you need to be quick on your feet in a fight, but if your head is constantly clouded, you'll never be able to see your own follies. What you did to those three Red-Necks, it was quick and clean. You should never make your opponent suffer. The ones on the bridge? I can still hear them… scream. You… you burned them alive with those shock grenades. They suffered 'livi, suffered more than they should have."

"But they would have done the same to us!" I didn't mean to yell at Holly, it just happened.

"Olivia! Calm down! This is what I'm talking about! Your emotions are everywhere. You, you're acting like…" Holly trailed off, but from the look on Nate's face, he knew what she was going to say.

"Me." Nate said it so solemnly.

"No, I didn't mean it like that, it's just that… we've, that is Mark and I, noticed… changes with you as well. First it was the good kind of changes. Since you and 'livi have been together, you've been… happy, but recently you've showed a side of you that… scares us. When 'livi was taken, the way you… slaughtered those mercs. You would've killed North if we didn't hold you back. Then you yelling like that at… Blanche. It… it didn't feel like it was you."

I felt his paws start to grip tighter on my arms. I looked at him but he quickly glanced away, but not before I saw new tears forming. His tail loosened, as if he was about to move away, but I grabbed his shirt with one paw and used the other to force him to look at me. We were both wrecks, and we showed it.

"I'm s-sorry, that I keep putting you in these s-situations Nate." I wasn't sure if I had stopped crying, but if I had, my own voice seemed have triggered it once again. "I… I brought this pain to you. I never t-thought that it'd affect y-you like this. P-please, don't try to bear t-this… I can tell y-you're already hurting."

"B-but if I didn't yell at… s-she would b-be alive…"

He kept trying to look away, but I kept bringing his eyes back to me. "S-she… she didn't leave because of you, she j-just… she was right, I and I alone did this to h-her. I put her, I put all of you in danger. My nearsightedness due to anger and… f-fear, clouded my judgments, and got her killed. It almost got you all… killed."

Nate's emotions still seemed on edge, teetering between acceptance and denial of what happened. He still wanted to look away, but I felt his tail tighten ever so slightly. There were small nuances in his movements, small details that I wondered if this had happened before he marked me, would I have even picked up on it? We were closer than ever, but I was afraid that my actions would drive us apart.

"These are n-not yours alone to bear, I… p-please let me… I don't w-want to see you h-hurting…"

"I can't let you Nate, I w-will not let you, you've already done e-enough for me."

"I can do more, I c-can bear it for both of us. I can…"

"Just let me fucking do this! I… I couldn't…" I could feel it coming, but I don't think I was trying nearly hard enough to stop it. I expected him to cower back, to release me and just run away, but he didn't. He sat there, tears still falling as he gripped my arms, as if trying to keep me here. Or keep himself here.

"Olivia!" Holly's voice sounded like an explosion that caught us both off guard. "You two keep throwing the blame around so much that soon, I don't think either of you will be strong enough to carry your own troubles, let alone each other's. Is there something you're not telling us?"

There was. Something that while I think they may have noticed, they didn't know the true extent to. I've been trying to hide it, bury it deep within my own mind that I had hoped one day it would just vanish, dissolve into nothingness, leaving an empty void to be filled by something better. I've known Nate long enough that I should have realized by now, that isn't how it worked.

"Y-yes… it's… Baird…"

Just the mention of that name seemed to bring about a fire within Nate's eyes. I felt the tips of his claws start to indent my skin as what looked like a small snarl formed at his lips. I think he knew I noticed because just as fast as it happened, he snapped out of it. I think that must have hurt him.

"I… I didn't want to tell you this, I t-thought that by hiding from it, I could finally es-scape it. I was wrong. His… face. I saw it when I killed those Red-Necks. I see his face when I s-sleep. I hear his voice when I think. I feel both terror and hatred towards him. I… I'm afraid that one day I'll just wake up and you'll all be g-gone, and I'll be back there… with him. Thinking about everyone else is the only t-thing that keeps me functioning."

Nate pulled me to him as I felt his head come to a rest between my ears. Both his tail and arms were tightly bound to me, and while at first my own arms felt limp, I soon started to return that feeling he was giving me.

"Oh 'livi, I didn't know. We… we knew that his influence was still with you, but I never imagined how deeply it was hurting you. You can't just bottle up emotions like that. You need to share them with those who can help you face it, like us."

"I-I know, but I was… I'm afraid. So much good has come into my life, can you even imagine knowing that you might just wake up to find it was all a… lie?"

"I'm far too familiar with that feeling. More than you know 'livi."

I felt Nate loosen up as we both turned towards her. I could tell that it came as a bit of a surprise to him as well.

"What do you mean Holly?"

"This is something that I haven't even told Mark, but I think this situation calls for it. I've told you about where we came from, about how my own father was the…" she looked towards Nate before she started to talk again, "well, you know that story. I always hated what he did. I loved Mark, and by extension, Nate as well. They were more family to me than he ever was. Despite all the bad things that happened, I know my life could never be better staying with them, and that's why every night when I go to sleep, I'm afraid. Afraid that this is all a dream and that I will wake up back there and find out they… you and Mark… will be, dead. The thought of you two, and now you as well 'livi, never existing, it fills me with such fear."

"Y-you…" I don't think Nate could comprehend what she said, nor a response to it, so I interjected with the first thing that popped into my head.

"H-how do you live with that?"

"By doing exactly that. I live. Mark and I share everything, our duties, our burdens, our love. Yes, I'm sure that he has secrets just as I've never told him this, but they're so far and so few that their existence doesn't burden either of us. If we tried to carry each other's entire weight this entire time, I'm not sure we would have ever been able to muster the courage to leave our home."

"B-but what about… me?"

"Oh Nate, you… I won't say it's been easy. We knew you were hurting, and before you met 'livi, we never thought you would be able to really live. We, now please don't take this the wrong way, we love you an' all, but we've tried our best to remove your own burdens from you. We could never truly live bearing your entire emotional weight, just as we knew you would never be able to find your own peace. We hoped, and we prayed that eventually you'd find a way to shed off that weight, and when Mark told me how you and 'livi were together, I felt as if our prayers had been answered. I can't picture anyone else better than her for you Nate. That's why you," Holly turned her eyes on me, "and you, need to learn to share your burdens. I'll admit, there's a much greater weight between the two of you than I think Mark and I will ever know, but in order for either of you to live your lives to the fullest, you both need to let things go, and take whatever is left and share it, equally."

"I…" Nate started to talk, but slowly, as if he was trying to think of every word before saying it, "I have secrets, too."

"No offense Nate, but Mark and I always figured, we just were too afraid to ask. We hate seeing you depressed, and were afraid that if you sunk so deep into a depression, you may never come back."

"I think… you're right Holly. I need to get things off my c-chest. This weight has been killing me all t-these years. I…" his eyes met with mine as I saw he was no longer crying. He showed fear still, but it was starting to wane. "I'm afraid too, afraid of being… alone. I was always afraid of losing Mark and Holly, but n-now that you're here, that fear has b-been amplified. I'd be lost without them, but I don't think I could live without you."

"I… I think I feel the same about you sweetie. I've never felt happier since meeting you, and can't imagine ever being without you. Not for a second. I think that's why I try so hard to protect you, I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose anyone."

"I keep trying to do the same, there are…" he took a deep breath and tensed, as if bracing himself for an impact. "There are… feelings that I used to have… that I still do. I, sometimes I just don't care if I live… or die. Back in the b-b-burrow…" I could tell that it took most of his energy just to spit that word out, "it was much s-stronger. I… I was hurt, abused. I was told I was w-worthless. If it wasn't for my brother…"

He started to cry again, his body shaking as I held him close to me, as if trying to keep all of his pieces from falling out of place. I wanted to kiss him, but I wasn't in a good position to, so I just placed my head on his chest. "You're not worthless. Not to me. To keep those thoughts, those feelings to yourself and still be here, still be alive? That is true strength." When I felt his trembling start to subside, I slowly pushed him back and leaned up to kiss him. "But I don't want you to ever think that again. I love you, and I don't ever want you to think that your life is meaningless. As long as I live, as long as Holly and Mark live, you will always have meaning." I pulled him close again and whispered, "I don't think I could ever live without you, either."

We sat there for a few seconds before I felt another presence. Holly had wrapped both of us in her arms as I think I heard her start to cry as well. We were one giant fuzzy ball of a mess, but it was our mess to share. I had to stop thinking about protecting others and think about myself. Neither Nate or I could risk losing each other, and in order to put this aside, to be able to share our burdens, we need to face both of our demons, together, as a family.

Holly finally let go and stood back, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry, I just… I never knew how you felt Nate, how you both felt. You two were really meant for each other. We knew it already, but now, now I see how true it really is. When Mark and I got together, we both felt as if we filled each other's void, but compared to you two, that was a pebble in a canyon. When I say you two complete each other, I really mean it."

I chuckled a little bit. Holly, the big tease of a rabbit actually sounded a bit jealous I think. Either that or surprised at what she said. Either way it was a nice turn of events to have someone else confirm what I hoped was true. The problem is, while I do indeed feel a void has been filled, I couldn't help but feel like it wasn't truly filled, that there was something else lingering just enough that prevented the pieces from fitting just right.

"You two feel any better after this game of show and tell?"

"I think I do." I was sure of it.

"I-I… yes, I think I am." I think there were still things that Nate was hiding, but we've already been through enough. I didn't want to push it, plus I could tell that he was much better than before. I gave him a long kiss to help emphasize that I wasn't mad at him from earlier. I don't think it was possible to ever stay mad at him.

"Aren't you two just adorable together. Last time Mark and I had a make out session like that, well… good thing you two have your clothes on." I think she just winked at us.

Nate looked over and gave her a look, one that I think told her to 'knock it off', but I had other thoughts. The first thing that popped into my head was Nate, or rather, his body. I… every time I was naked, or I saw him naked, thoughts popped into my head, thoughts that I couldn't describe. They were more like urges, the wanting to be with Nate at a much deeper level than we already were. That's when the image of Baird always crept in, turning those pleasant thoughts into a waking nightmare. I could already feel his hooves grasping at my thoughts, causing my buried fears to surface. I needed forget, I needed to escape, I needed to…

"Nate? I… I think I'm…" I sighed, not really knowing how to ask this. Or how he would even respond. "There is still something in me that's missing, or rather, a presence that continuously haunts me, something that I'm afraid will consume me again if I can't rid myself of it. I think… no, I know that you are the only one who can help. Will you… help?"

"I'll do anything for you."

"I… well… it's." Thinking about it was a bad idea. The more I thought about it, the stronger the feeling got, and the bigger the risk of him taking over. I just had to do it.

"What are you…" I caught Nate by surprise as I shoved him down onto the bed and started to kiss him, much more passionately then I think I had.

"Whoa! I was just kidding 'livi! You… you're…" For a moment I forgot that Holly was still in the room. "I think I hear Mark calling. Yeah. You two, um. Wow."

I heard the door close and I took a small glance around to make sure we were alone before I started to take my shirt off.

"Olivia what are you…"

"I love you Nate, more than I ever thought possible, but something still haunts me, that same something that has clouded my judgment one time too many. I… you said you'll do anything for me, right?"

"Y-yes. Yes, I would."

"Then make love to me Nate."

"I…" I put my paw over his mouth before he could say anything to ruin this.

"I need this, and a part of me thinks you need this too. I've, well this has been on my mind, but every time I think about me, and you, I keep picturing that… boar. I need to stop seeing him and start seeing you. You are not him, and you will never be him, and I think in order to finally bury that, I need to experience this on my own accord, to associate these feelings with someone I love, not someone I hate. I need to have this void to be completely filled. By you."

I moved my paw away from his mouth, but he didn't try to say anything more, instead he reached up and kissed me, then whispered, "are you sure?"

"I have never been more sure of anything in my life."

I could tell he was still nervous by this. I was too. This was something that we never experienced before. Back at that place, my virginity was torn from me, stolen by someone I despised, but here lay the mammal I loved and while biologically I was no longer a virgin, emotionally, this was new, and I think I was ready.

After a few moments we were lying together, naked. I kissed him as I moved my paws along his chest. Every time I did that, I had felt his scars and it reminded me of his experiences in his own Burrow. This time, I didn't think of them as simply an accessory to his past, but rather, a part of him. To have kept his sanity, to be alive after everything he's been through, after everything he's held onto and buried. These are not a reminder of bad times, these are badges that tell me he's experienced hell and survived. If he can survive his past, I can survive my present, and together we will survive everything that comes our way.

While he was still experiencing hesitations, he slowly seemed to be overcoming them as he not only returned my kissing with an equal and even greater passion, he started to caress me as he slowly moved on top of me. That's when it triggered. I started to see images of… him appear. It was as if my mind couldn't tell if that was a fox, or a boar on top of me. I felt a panic start to brew deep within me, and I tried all I could to suppress it.

"O-Olivia? A-are you… w-we can stop…"

I closed my eyes and focused on Nate's voice. I focused on him, not that boar. I thought about his tail wrapping around me, I thought of his russet fur, the cream color of his chest. I thought about when we first met, about his smile, his eyes. I thought about his heart beat, and the warmth of his chest. He was the one who was here, not that boar. It was Nate who was touching me, it was Nate who was kissing me. It was Nate who is, and will always be there for me.

I opened my eyes as the image of the boar faded, replaced with the sweet, yet worried look of Nate's face. I reached up and felt his chest. His tail was near my side and I reached out and stroked my paw through its fluffy fur. I locked his eyes with mine and smiled.

"No, don't stop. He's… I think he's… finally… gone."

Before he could question my choice of words further, I pulled him flat against me and started to kiss him again. For once I think, no I know I was telling the truth. While I will never forget that boar, while I will never forgive him, even long after he is dead, I don't think he's in control of me anymore. I think, I'm finally free.

I finally felt that lingering feeling leave me, all the pieces finally fitting. For the first time in my life, I felt completely whole. Even when my mother was alive I never felt like this. Nate and I were truly meant for each other as we became one. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I hope this feeling never ends.

Fallout: Zootopia After Show

Featuring:

'Stripes in the Morning'

[Stripes]

"Good morning Zootopian Wasteland! Today we have a special show, but first, a little public service announcement. Firstly, I would like to say thank you to all my faithful readers, because of your enjoyment of this little story, I have had the encouragement to finally see it to the end! You know what that means, the story is nearly complete! Well, on my end that is. You all still have a long way to go. This is, what? Chapter 51? Wait, no, chapter 52. Yeah I had to look it up, and yeah, I probably should have stopped rambling on by this point, but hey, if you're still reading the After Shows, then you're used to it! Anyways, I have an official story length! You ready? Eighty-one chapters! You heard that right, there are only thirty more chapters left! Now you may be asking if my math is off, and usually it is, but there will be an epilogue as well, so that makes it eighty-two! Here I was planning a hundredth chapter party where I buy each and every one of you a drink, but since that's physically impossible, and financially ruining. Unless none of you are drinkers, then water for everyone!"

[Max]

"Get on with it you idiot or I'll personally give away your entire stash of cider to anyone who asks. Yes, I finally found out where you keep it you greedy striped bastard."

[Stripes]

"You wouldn't… actually you would. Fine. As I was saying folks, since there's finally a set number of chapters, you know what that means… soon I'll increase my posting schedule! Yay! Not exactly sure on the how and when, still need to fix up a few later chapters, but I'll keep everyone informed through here! Speaking of which, for all those beyond the fourth wall, check out my newly established blog for everything Fallout Zootopia! Well, mostly, I'm sure a few idle things will slip through, these hooves are not very good at keeping things in order. Find me through my user name on Tumblr, ciderstripes!"

[Max]

"Do you mind putting those bricks back in the wall and getting on with this show?"

[Stripes]

"Yes, I shall. Psst. Hey audience, Max said he'll jump on board the blog train if I get enough followers, so get a clicking! So, with that out of the way, let's get onto today's episode featuring the Order of the Atom. Now, let me start off by saying this. The Order you all saw was one of many factions. Just like religions of both past and present, not everyone in the Order saw eye to eye. This led to rifts and created the multiple Orders we see today. Some are as fanatical as they come, but others are really not that bad. Atom's Children do not go and force their beliefs upon others, they believe that no matter your actions, all mammals are born equal under Atom's gaze. Instead of forcing themselves upon others, they help through helping others, believing that the only way to achieve enlightenment is to give themselves to others freely. Whether you believe in their faith or not, if you seek help and find yourself in the midst of one of Atom's Children, they will bend over backwards to help, just so long as you're non-violent about it. They may be goody-two hooves, but if you try to attack them, or hurt someone under their protection, they'll not hesitate to stop you.

"Now, let's get down to the nitty gritty of it. Many of you probably think that worshiping the building blocks of all matter is very silly. Now don't get me wrong, I don't buy into it either, but just like most religions, this one didn't simply pop into existence out of the blue. It all started about fifty years before the onset of the war.

"Fossil fuels were the mainstay of energy in the times past, and while electric powered vehicles were the future, scientists needed a way to create that through a controlled environment. That's when the first nuclear generator was developed. A cheetah by the name of Felix Spotsmann discovered how certain uranium isotopes could create sudden releases of energy by splitting the nucleus of an atom. While he didn't create both nuclear energy and in turn nuclear weapons, his discovery of the reactions lead to the development of both.

"Now, you may be wondering why I'm telling you about a cheetah that died long before the war. It was because of him, or rather, because of his work, that the first Order of the Atom was created. You see, Spotsmann wrote a paper that was never published that not only described how and why the atomic fission occurred, but he also included a very… unorthodox way of describing it. One thing in science that most hold true is that matter cannot be created nor destroyed, but rather transformed. Yet the fact that such a minuscule molecule created such a massive amount of energy, he didn't believe that everyone knew enough about this to safely use it. In his paper, he stated that the atomic molecule was not simply a building block for matter, but a gateway to another world, or rather, another state of existence, and that by splitting the atom's nucleus, it opened an uncontrollable gateway that unleashed that massive amount of energy.

"Upon submitting that paper to his Board of Directors, they basically told him to revise it or else they'd cut all funding and discredit him as a scientist. Since this was all that he had, he agreed and reluctantly handed in the modified report that was later used as a basis for the first nuclear weapon test. He may have been the father of nuclear energy, but he was quick to disown it, and five years after his work was published and the first nuclear reactor was being tested, he disappeared off the face of the planet, taking all of his work with him.

"Throughout history, there have been reports of mammals of all species who donned dark robes who could be spotted at every nuclear weapon test, and at every opening of a new nuclear reactor. Mainstream media ignored it since nothing bad ever happened, but then, only a few months before the nuclear weapon in Tundratown went off, Felix Spotsmann returned to the public eye. He and his self proclaimed Order of the Atom, hijacked the media worldwide to make a statement. Spotsmann didn't look like the elderly mammal he should have been. He looked young, maybe even younger than he had been when he made his first discovery. Some people say he had a rather unhealthy 'glow' about him.

"Spotsmann told the public that he had been touched by Atom, a being that is everywhere, that makes up everything. All life, all matter was part of Atom, and that soon Atom would return. He urged everyone to repent, to beg for forgiveness for their past sins, for destroying the planet, for sowing their seeds of destruction in Atom's grasp. He told everyone that Atom blessed him, that he had not aged a day since he discovered his true meaning, how Atom washed him clean with his own essence. He urged everyone to do the same, to let Atom bath everyone in his essence before it was too late.

"Of course his whole end of the world speech wasn't taken lightly, and he and all of his followers were arrested and thrown into a maximum security prison, the same prison that centuries later would be occupied by the Legionaries, and now, the Red-Necks, but I digress.

"For a while, his outcry was ignored, thought to be that of a depraved lunatic, but when a few months later Tundratown, followed by the rest of the world, was laid siege to nuclear attacks from an unknown enemy, many started to rethink their position on Spotsmann's plea's. No one knows what happened to him, although there are rumors that he had absorbed so much radiation, willingly I might add, that he became not only the first ghoul, but the original glowing one, but that's just a rumor.

"Now we come to modern times. There are at least ten known factions within the Order of the Atom that are known. Some of them maintain their multi-species outlook, thinking species is of no importance to Atom, but others, such as the one we bared witness to, maintained an order of a singular species, in this case, mice.

"Mice are the smallest of mammals, so it was their thought that due to their naturally small size, they were closer to Atom than any mammal, unlike the Order that had only giraffes, thinking that Atom lived somewhere above and their long necks would bring them closer. They ended up being assimilated by the Red-Necks. If you ever see a Red-Neck with a green glowing plasma spewer instead of a flamer, I would advise to turn and run before you're turned to a slimy paste.

"Now, this Order, the one with the mice, they believed that since they were closest to Atom in terms of size, knowing that Atom was all around them, one of their founders came up with a prophecy that stated that one day a mouse of no color would be born smaller than any mouse before them, and that this would be the chosen one, the one to finally unite all of them with Atom. Well, when the diminutive Blanche stepped into their camp? They thought their prayers were answered. Since they believed all life was born when the first atom split, binding Atom's world with our own, that by sacrificing their chosen one through an atomic split would reverse that and bring them all into Atom's realm, forever binding them to their creator.

"Of course all they did was get everyone killed in a nice big blast. Although… reports say that the blast was rather weak compared to a full grade nuke, or even a mini-nuke, so, it's possible that the bomb was faulty… though there's still enough residual radiation there that I wouldn't venture out to those parts for at least a few months, or longer, that place had already absorbed so much radiation that it was already a hot spot. I mean seriously, what is with this world and its latent radiation? You'd think after two hundred years things would be better. Maybe there really is something to this Atom thing after all. Don't worry folks, you won't be seeing me in one of those robes anytime soon. They're too tacky for me anyways.

[Max]

"Says the zebra dressed in what has to be the tackiest, dirtiest bowling shirt I've ever seen… I swear you've never even ONCE thought of washing it have you…"

[Stripes]

"Find me some soap and I will gladly wash it. Plus, I have been waiting to find just the right outfit… Anyways, this ends today's little history lesson! I hope you enjoyed it. Join us next week when we pop into Hope to give Mayor Swift another go! Not like that! Another interview! Gah, I really should start double checking these cards. So, tune in next time, same striped time, same striped channel!"