A/N: Sorry for any errors. I'm currently at my school's library and I feel like if I reread this chapter I'm going to cry. That would be embarrassing and extremely weird for me.
Chapter 27
Tris' POV
It's like a never ending circle. No matter what I do, no matter how much I try, it's there.
There so much pain.
Why won't it stop? It needs to stop.
I never really understood the concept of a heartbreak. I didn't understand that a heartbreak was actually a heart break. I feel the constant constriction of my chest every time I think of Tobias.
Tobias has hurt me in so many different ways. Just when I thought things were doing great, Evelyn told me that he has been seeing Lauren for the past two months, which I don't understand because we have been dating for only like two and a half weeks.
Last night was absolutely miserable. I fell asleep at Tyler's house, and luckily he texted my parents saying that I would be staying at a friends house.
Nothing is alright.
I woke up countless times throughout the night with several reoccurring dreams. They all involve Tobias and Lauren. It's horrible. Every time I would fall asleep, I'd end up waking up again, crying for a long period of time until falling asleep again.
I don't understand. We were so happy. I was so happy. I thought that he loved me. He told me he loved me.
I chose him. I freaking chose me. But my love wasn't enough. It's never enough.
"Here. Tris, you need to eat." Tyler hands me a banana but I refuse to take it.
"I'm not hungry. I'm fine, thanks."
"No. I'm not giving you an option. Take it." He sighs when I refuse to take the fruit. So instead, he takes my hand and places the banana into the palm of my hands.
"Eat." He says before walking back to the kitchen.
I slowly peel the banana and take reluctant bites knowing that Tyler is right. I really should be eating something otherwise I'm going to go hungry throughout the day. I honestly do not want to go to school today.
I am not ready to face life's, but mostly my problems. It's bad enough Tobias cheated on me with Lauren.
Tyler basically has to drag me to go to school today.
He's has been so kind. Though what annoys me the most is that he is constantly checking if I'm okay. I understand he is trying to help and emotionalize with me, but I'm just not in he mood to do anything. I explained in detail what happened with me and Tobias and he listened very carefully. I could easily tell that he did not like what I told him, but he managed to keep a calm demeanor throughout my explanation.
"Come on." He quickly gets up from his sitting position. "We should probably go to school."
As much as I don't want to, he is right. I should probably get ready. I thank Tyler and he walks to me my house, even though it is completely unnecessary. He tells me that he's going to wait for me to finish getting ready. With a half an hour before school, I manage to do so in record time. I comb my hair, brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on a decent outfit.
My outfit literally screams, 'I don't give a fuck, why am I even here?'
I look like a mess.
But who the fuck cares? It's not like anyone actually gives two shits about me.
Why am I even trying?
I grab my bag and realize that I forgot to do my homework. I curse aloud and decide that I'll just do it as quick as I possibly can. And if I don't finish, it won't matter that much.
Tyler and I sit quietly as he drives me to school. The awkward tension is so thick and all I want to do it jump out of the car. It's not like it matters if I get hurt. I'm already emotionally hurt anyways. Every time I look at Tyler, I think of Tobias. I think of how I left him to be with someone else. I think of how Tobias told me he loved me. I think of how he used to hug me when I was sad. I think of how he bought me chocolates and this big ass teddy bear when I was on my period. I think of how he can no longer tell me everything is going to be alright. Because nothing is alright.
For a moment, for just a moment he made me happy. He made me see the good things in life. Before, everything was dull, sad, depressing.
Now that's all I see. I see nothing. Just nothing.
I thank Tyler for everything and I head straight to my first period class. The whispers, the constant chatter, I ignore all of it and keep my head down as I walk through the halls. I place a smile on my face despite how I'm feeling and continue to walk.
My teacher asks if I'm okay. She notices that that I'm not as enthusiastic about today's lesson. She says it's strange how I'm not participating as usual. She even notices how I don't correct her on her grammar anymore. But I don't say anything. I tell her I'm fine. But I'm not.
I get several looks asking if I'm okay. Apparently I look so sad. But who's to blame me for feeling this way. I don't see Tobias at all today. I know he's here, we just don't have any classes with one another anymore, which is a total relief. I'm not stable to see or talk to him.
During lunch I don't sit with my normal group of friends. Instead, I go to the front of the school and eat lunch by myself. I sit beneath the largest tree on campus and read. I read and read just so everything will go away- all my problems, all these feelings, everything. This way, I can just drown out all of my sorrows and focus on something different.
"Hey I thought I'd find you here." Dammit, I forgot that he knew about this place. After Tobias hurt me the first time, I used to come here all the time to eat lunch alone just so I could have time to think about what I did wrong.
"Hey, Uri. I forgot that you knew about this tree I always go to." I pay the tree.
"Yeah." He sits crossed legged next to me. "Are you okay, the group and I thought you were like MIA." He says.
"I'm fine. I'm just tired."
"Don't lie to me." He scolds.
"I'm just hurting, I guess. I need to be alone." I sigh and lean against the tree. It's too nice of a day to be sad. It's sunny around seventy-degrees. There's a nice breeze that comes every few minutes. The tree provides perfect shading and the grass is so soft and a healthy green.
"What happened?" Uriah purses his lips and furrows his eyebrows.
"I-Uhm." I feel the tears coming back and I let them fall. It's not like it matters, I already am broken beyond repair. "I broke up with Tobias." The pain in my chest returns and the tears start flowing. "I thought that he and I were good. I thought that he was happy. I was happy. But he wasn't. I wasn't good enough, Uri. I'm such a failure. Where did I go wrong? I thought I was doing fine. I thought that we were fine. Weren't we? Wasn't I good enough for him?" I continue to cry and Uriah takes me into his arms telling me everything is going to be okay.
Why do they keep lying to me?
"It was probably because I wouldn't have sex with him, wasn't it?" It must be. Of course Tobias would want to have sex. That's probably why he decided to date Lauren because she would give him what he wants.
"Hey, Tris. Look at me." I look at his face but everything is blurred with my tears. "You're better than this. The Tris Prior I know would just suck it up. She's strong, smart, beautiful. She can do anything, and I know you can to."
"But I'm not her. I'm this weak, pathetic, girl. I'm not that Tris. That Tris is long gone. Just leave me alone, okay? I'm tired."
I'm weak.
Uriah thinks I can do it. But I know I can't.
After school is a total disaster. The day felt like an eternity. It felt like I was being slowly sucked into a bottomless pit.
I'm miserable.
As I walk to my locker to receive my binders and textbooks, I hear screaming down the hall. I think of it as nothing because our school usually have fights, most of them being with the druggies of our school. Well, I try to ignore it u till I hear my name being shouted.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?! How could you hurt her like that!" A voice screams.
I almost want to just run away and not have to deal with this. But they're acting like children.
I run over to where all the commotion is. A huge herd of students are huddled in a large circle and in the middle is of course, Tobias and Tyler. Tyler's face is red and Tobias just stands there as Tyler yells at him.
I wiggle my way closer to them getting pushed on the way because these people want to see them fight.
For a moment, the quickest moment I forget what Tobias did to me. I forget about all the pain and suffering I'm feeling.
Tobias' shoulders are slumped and he looks tired. His shirt is half tucked and half hanging out of his pants. His hair's a mess and his fly is down. That's embarrassing.
"I didn't do anything!" Tobias recuperates.
"Fucking bullshit!" Where are the teachers, I mean seriously?
They continue yelling at each other until Tyler punches Tobias straight in the jaw.
"Hey!" I yell and run up to them in hopes they'd break apart. "Stop it! Both of you."
"Stay out of this!" They both yell. I shrink backwards feeling totally helpless.
They continue hitting one another and once again, I try to separate them apart.
"Tris, just go." Tyler says to me.
"Stop fighting!"
I manage to push them apart and they stand a few feet from one another just sending each other nasty glares. I'm so sick of everything.
"Good. I'm glad this is over. Now we can all just be friends and-" I try to say.
"How can you say that, Tris? He made you feel helpless and he broke your heart. How can you just let everything slide?" Tyler asks.
"If you would just let me explain."
"Gosh, you two are acting like complete idiots."
"Tris, you're the idiot here." Tyler spits. I drop my hands to my side and don't say anything. My lip trembles and I start to back away. Tyler's gaze then softens. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry, I didn't-"
"What the fuck is wrong with you! You're fucking hurt her!" Tobias turns red once again and he charges towards.
"Stop!" I scream. "Stop it!"
"Just off me you fucking-" I run to separate them, but as I do, I am slammed hard against the locker. My back screams in agony and I slump against the floor. Pain runs through my back and I manage to get up. The two boys look at me as if they just ran over a puppy.
"Tris-" Tobias covers his mouth. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to. I swear. I-I-"
But I don't let him finish. I grab my backpack and the group of students part and allow me to run away from all this chaos, from all my problems, from everything.
My body screams in protest but I keep running. I run until I feel numb.
I tighten the laces of my skates and wobble my way onto the rink. I am so angry- angry at myself, angry at Tobias, at Tyler, at everyone.
I'm just so tired. I skate around to the music allowing my mind to just control my movements. It's after hours but I managed to pull some strings with the manager and he allowed me to stay by myself. It's not like I've done it before, the manager is a family friend and he trusts me to lock the place up by myself.
The rink is empty so I skate everywhere gaining speed. I launch myself in the air to do a triple axel but end up falling on my butt as I land. I get up and try again, but once again, I trip over my legs and fall on the ice landing hard. I scream in frustration because usually I am able to do the jump really well. But with all the agony and everything that has happened the past few days distract me and I'm unable to do most of the jumps that I've perfected over the years. I try doing other jumps like the loop, toe, salchow, but I mess all of them up.
My frustration gets to the best of me and I just collapse on the ice and cry.
I'm just so sad. I can't deal with all this stuff any longer. I want to be done.
"Tris!" I hear the door open with a jingling noise which comes from the bell, and soft footsteps. "I've been calling your cell for the past hour. I've looked everywhere for you." Christina sees me collapsed onto the ice. "Oh fuck."
She walks onto the ice with shoes on to the middle of the rink where I am.
"How are you not freezing your ass off, literally? Oh come on, let's get you off the ice." She grabs my arm and pulls me off. We walk out of the rink and sit down onto one of the tables.
"I'm tired." I say quietly.
"I know, me too."
"No I'm tired of everything." I say. "You want to know what I hate the most? When I look at myself in the mirror, I see someone broken, lost, insecure, vulnerable. I see this sad girl and I just want her to disappear. Tobias hurt me so much. And I thought that we were okay. I thought we were going to be fine, I thought he was perfectly happy. Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these things with love, but in reality, love is the one thing that covers up all of these things and makes us feel wonderful again.
"I just feel like I'm not good enough. I try and try to be this perfect girl, but it's just so damn hard. I feel like everyone expects something from me. I try so hard to be a perfect student, a perfect daughter, a perfect sister, a perfect friend, and a perfect girlfriend but I feel like it's just not enough. And-" I cry, "and it's so hard to feel like everything is okay, because it's not. I feel like everyone is expecting something from me. But really, deep down, I'm hurt. I'm tired of all these expectations and limits and I just want it to go away. I want the pain to stop. I want everything to just stop. I thought that he and I were okay, you know? And he made me smile and he made me so freaking happy. And I thought that he was my reward. Tobias made me feel so special and being with him just made all that pain and expectations go away.
"And then there's just so much pressure. I push myself so hard and it's just tearing me apart. It's tearing me piece my piece. I thought that if I studied hard, did all of this extra curricular than I'd be this ideal child. But now, it's too much. I'm so miserable. I'm just...tired. I'm so, so tired." I constantly wipe my eyes and I rant.
Christina listens as I have a mental breakdown. She brings me into her arms and runs her hands through my hair and plays with each strand.
"I think we should get you home. You look...tired."
"No! I'm fine. I can't leave until I perfect my jumps." I get up and while my still running tears.
"Tris, I don't think that's a good idea. Let me get you home and then we can-"
"Chris, I'm fine."
"Okay, fine. Then I'll wait for you to finish." She sits back down as I run back onto the ice. I let myself skate around the ice letting the cold air hit my face as I speed around in the rink. I do several spins and jumps before messing up again.
All these frustration, all of this anger is too much. I groan loudly and try again, and again, and again.
I don't exactly know why, but I burst out crying.
I hear Christina say something but I don't exactly interpret what she says.
I try to do this one last time but end up landing hard on my ankle. The pain shoots up my spine and cry out. All of my body weight landed right onto my right ankle, so it hurts like a fucking bitch. I clutch onto it. I scream out in agony and Christina comes rushing into the rink.
"Hey, hey, look at me, okay?"
"Call Caleb!" I cry.
"I'm going to call the ambulance first okay?"
I nod my head and comply. I probably only fractured something, but with everything that has happened, the pain is worsened by a lot.
I hear Christina talking to what I am assuming to be my parents. In the background, I faintly hear sirens. Although this injury was nothing to minor, it still nice to know that Christina called for help immediately.
Several medical people rush through the door.
"Is everyone okay?" They look frantic.
"No biggy. Everyone is fine. I think I broke something." I cry.
"Oh, let me check." A medic approaches me onto the ice and crouches down. He feels around my ankle and I hiss out in pain.
"Fuck." I say under my breath.
"Is there an adult here?"
"No, not at the moment." I answer.
"If your mom and dad would like, we can take you to the ER to get it wrapped up. There is definitely some broken bone on your right foot." I give Christina a look and she nods her head.
I end up riding in the ambulance vehicle and tell Christina to go home. Nothing severe happened so she doesn't exactly need to stay, and plus I already feel bad that she had to watch me break down in front of her eyes.
Christina ends up reluctantly complying to much dismay. A woman helps me into the hospital and I sign a couple forms. I thank her and they leave me in the waiting room for the next available doctor. I text my parents who tell me they are currently on the way over.
"Beatrice Prior?"
Despite the constant stabbing sensation on my right leg, I limp over and the doctor helps me onto a bed-like thing.
"I'm going to have you come over into this room. Let's get your leg x-rayed."
After getting my leg scanned, he tells me that I fractured both my tibia and fibula.
"This is what we call a-"
"Bimalleolar fracture, yes I know." I answer before he can say anything. "Sorry, I love learning about human anatomy and osteology." Gosh, I'm such a nerd.
The doctor laughs, "no, it's fine. It's nice to know there is intelligence in your generation."
Ouch.
He wraps my leg and provides me crutches to walk on for the next six weeks.
"Have you ever broken or fractured a bone before?" I shake my head. The doctor ends up explaining to me the rules of having a cast. No strenuous activities and what not.
Both my mom and dad arrive just as I finish the appointment. "Thank you."
My mom pays for the appointment or whatever and we all drive home together.
Everything...everything I've been through finally gets to the best of my and I have a good night's sleep.
The silence is calming, and I know deep down I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I think I'm going to be okay.